So I met with her after 10 months...

[JohnTheMan]

There is a lot of back story to my situation but i can't type it all out here. Basically, i was out of state for 2 months and when i got back home my gf broke up with me. I had strong suspicion my ex had emotionally cheated on me. We went back and forth talking for 6-7 months while i found more and more evidence she was seeing this guy. I then asked to see her and she said no. I told her not to contact me anymore. 2 wks later pics surface on fbook of her with him kissing each others cheeks and going out for valentines day. more and more stuff surface. after awhile she continues to try and contact me. she wants to see me before she leaves town. i ignore her for awhile and eventually decide to give it a shot...

 

We meet up. She introduces me to the dog she got when I know this guy was around. There were pictures of him and the dog and his dog and her. We talk and things seem to be good between us. She brings up some things we were supposed to do together and says she did them. They were date like things so it made me upset. But she could have easily done them alone or with friends. Talk about the family and other stuff. She tells me she isnt seeing anyone else. She isn't dating anyone else. Eventually i begin to walk her to her car and send her off. I wanted answers though. I wanted to know why she wanted to see me. So i ask what her intentions were. She says she wanted to see me and missed me. I tell her that I cant keep seeing her or communicating with her if we aren't going to work on things together. She begins to break down sobbing. She was supposed to meet with friends and ends up canceling. I keep telling her its not healthy for us to stay in touch. She is breaking down and says she cant believe that i can just erase her from my mind. I tell her its not the case but that ill always want more then friendship from her. She tells me that we cant ever work things out if we dont talk. How are we supposed to build a relationship if we dont start talking again. If she cant see that I'm making changes. That we are already making jumps instead of taking steps. I tell her thats not the case. I'm not asking for the relationship to start up again instantly. I'm only asking that we have that as a goal. That we work towards that. She says she cant make a promiss like that. She still doesn't know what she wants. I bring up that I've been the only one to work on myself. That I'm the only one in therapy. I can see she is surprised by what i'm saying and it hits her that maybe she made mistakes to. that maybe she should be in therapy. I choke up a bunch of times. And I bring up the pics. I say that the guy I thought you left me for is pictured with you. She says its not the time to talk about something like that. That this wasnt meant to be the time to talk about everything. That we cant just sit here and solve everything at once. Eventually is obvious to both of us its time to depart. I give her a hug and kiss her on the head goodbye. I walk away and go into deep thought.

 

After thinking a lot, Im thinking maybe shes right. Perhaps, we do need to start talking. That indeed I have made a bunch of changes and she will see those. That I have listened and taken her concerns seriously, and I am willing to do things her way. I txt her. I feel bad for making her so upset and putting pressure on her. I feel like things couldn't have gone any worse. I say sorry and that I feel really bad. That I thought about what she said and I would like to hear from her again. I tell her that next time we talk, I wont talk about the relationship and we can just catch up. The next morning i get a txt back. She tells me she was sleeping from the time we left until then. She tells me she is jsut as confused about everything and would like to talk occasionally but not at my detriment. She says it was really good to see me. She says shes in a huge transition right now and maybe she'll think more clearly after her move back home. She says that she will always want to talk to me and that this situation sucks. She informs me that she is going to seek therapy which for her is HUGE HUGE HUGE. That this might help clear things up for what she is thinking. I txt her back and we have a small friendly txting between us. All in all, i feel pretty good. I think that i will continue to work on myself and she will start to work on herself... Maybe therapy will help her realize she left us in a sprint and that might not have been right..., idk. I decide the best course of action is to talk to her on occasion. First in just a friendly manner, and then maybe we can work towards the relationship talk...

 

Sorry this is long... BUT HERE COMES THE KICK TO THE BALLS.

The very next day a picture comes up on fbook. Its a necklace with a peace symbol charm and looks like its silver and diamonds/maybe crystal. I cant tell if its fake or not. But she took it as a mobile snapshot so obv she liked it. The necklace seems to be drapped accross a mans arm but i cant know for sure cause its a closeup and its hard to see the picture. The complection could be his. He has a darker dominican style complection. But it also may not be. I freak out! I start telling my mom to look at it and my sister. They tell me to calm down. That I dont know anything about the situation. I finally agree. Today I wake up and I was wondering if there might be any more details about the picture that would ease my mind. Her mom comments on it and so do some friends. They say its nice and pretty. Then her aunt is the last person to comment. She writes "very nice ____ is it from ______?" !!!!! The name of the guy that I thought she was involved in!?!?!?!? Am I reading into this too much??? Could she be still seeing him and lying to me? Should I continue with my plan of low contact to check in every once in awhile?!?!?? I love this girl still, and when we met it seemed like we could easily pick off where we left off. Even so should I enter back into her life and make his hell?!? Take her back from the guy who took her from me??? I am so confused and hurt. I just prey to God she told me the truth, and that this wasn't yet another betrayel from my best friend and the woman i loved to death....

[Cadence44]

She very well could be still seeing him and lying to you. If you read stories on here, you're not the first one this has happened to. It's clear she's confused and she could have a vague status with him so technically she may not be lying. But does that matter?

 

This part really concerns me:

 

She tells me that we cant ever work things out if we dont talk. How are we supposed to build a relationship if we dont start talking again. If she cant see that I'm making changes. That we are already making jumps instead of taking steps. I tell her thats not the case. I'm not asking for the relationship to start up again instantly. I'm only asking that we have that as a goal. That we work towards that. She says she cant make a promiss like that. She still doesn't know what she wants.

 

What is that? She wants you to talk to in case she wants you, but reserves the right to not work on things. She gets to get the benefit of talking to you and you lose out because she won't say that she'll work on repairing things. That's not a good thing.

 

This sounds like she wants you as a back-up and safety if things don't work out for her either with the current guy or someone new. I think you should continue on with NC because I think she's just going to string you along.

[iBroken]

I say that the guy I thought you left me for is pictured with you. She says its not the time to talk about something like that.

 

 

In my experience, statements like this have usually meant that they didnt want to come clean just yet.

 

I dont know what to say about your meeting. She sounds confused. I think its best that you seek the answers from her to be honest. What is she thinking? Hanging out as friends?

 

Your post said she IS dating. Was that a typo for ISNT dating?

[JohnTheMan]

i agree with you cadence44 as i have most times... r u single? just joking, lol.

 

my ploy was to work on myself. improve myself as much as possible. stay in distant contact/low contact as long as it doesn't affect me negatively. if she goes to relationship, then complete shutout. if she decides through therapy and self finding she wants to be with me, then we can begin to talk. but most IMPORTANTLY, I WILL start completely moving on. trying my best to date other people and act as though she is indeed with this guy. have fun with MY life and if she wants back in... then we will go from there...

 

her relationship status on fbook is listed as single and she could very well be stringing this guy along as well... but her f'n aunt knows about him and his name. she also asks if he gave her something like that... its diheartening.

[JohnTheMan]

thanks ibroken, i fixed it

 

that could have been confusing..

[testcase]

I would just assume she is dating the other guy and move on. Actually when my ex came clean about being with someone after the relationship it was great for me. I mean sure it hurt at first but it gave me that final push I needed to let go.

 

Thing is you are working on changing yourself to maybe save a relationship that is already dead. I guess that's good... or at least at the time if your trying to get your ex back it makes perfect sense. The problem with it is... she isn't changing anything about herself she is probably taking little to no fault and is trying to find someone else who she won't have the same problems with. All the while your changing yourself so maybe you can fit "her mold" and maybe your relationship can work again.

 

The whole thing is a bunch of crapola. You have some problems, we all do... we're human. Changing for someone though, unless it's yourself, is almost never a good idea. We should constantly want to improve ourselves for us, not to show our exes.

 

I guess all I'm trying to say in this rambling post of mine is. You have made some changes for the better, for whatever reason you've been working on yourself. That is something to be proud of, something we should always do. Your ex, from what I can tell from this post, hasn't. She could be waiting for you to fix, your problems, but from the looks of it she isn't. I'd take the new and improved you, go NC and start dating again and find someone who is better suited for the new you... surely that's not your ex.

[Cadence44]

Your plan sounds great. I know you've probably read it already, but reading the thread about "reverse psychology and the rebound relationship" would be very helpful for you right now.

 

I still recommend NC for you, because I feel like if you stay in contact with her, it will just help her to wean herself off of you. NC doesn't have to be a mean thing; more like "Hey ex, I can't be in contact with you because I need to heal and move on. If you ever feel like you're serious about working toward a new relationship, get in touch. I wish you the best."

 

I'm really proud that you stuck up for yourself and told her what you wanted from her.

 

And yes, I'm single!

[lavenderdove]

OK, this is simpler than you think.

 

First, of course she could be lying to you. If you suspect she started seeing the other guy when she was with you, you could now be seeing you while she's with the other guy.

 

And of course she could start dating you IMMEDIATELY if she wanted to. Nobody starts dating with the expectation that it means you have to immediately marry. Dating IS about getting to know each other, catching up, etc. But when dating, you both need to agree to not date anyone else.

 

I think her panic when you mentioned dating/relationship again and refusing to talk about him most likely was because she IS dating him, and knows she can't be available to date you regularly while she's with him or you'd figure it out.

 

She may have hit some bumps with the new guy or honeymoon is over with her, and she's now hedging her bets with you in case that doesn't work out. Or maybe she just wants a shoulder to cry on or just your friendship.

 

So you are right to stick to your guns and say you'll only start talking with her again if she agrees to date you exclusively. You know each other too well to go back to ground zero where you both date other people as well. If she can't at least commit to exclusive dating, then she is not ready to be in your life again. You can of course DATE slowly, i.e., not spend all your time together and talk a lot etc., but if she is still dating others then there is nothing in this for you but potential heartbreak.

 

She doesn't have to promise to marry you right away, but exclusivity is essential to building trust and a relationship under the circumstances. If she's not ready to agree to that, then it does mean she is still dating someone else.

 

Just talking to you will just extend your healing period and prevent you from wanting to date other women because you are focusing your love on her. She might be happy with that, but it won't help you.

 

So i'd talk to her again and tell her you want to start dating again, being exclusive, but that doesn't mean you expect her to get super serious too fast, just normal dating etc. But she can't be dating anyone else at the same time, and she does need to explain herself.

[jellysandwich]

Definitely go NC, as LC is obviously affecting you. You can do it!

[JohnTheMan]

i am not positive... but i grow stronger every day. i think i could pull off the low contact without it affecting me. by low contact. i mean like max twice a month phone call. if that. i am a bit afraid of her using that to get over me... i'll have to see. either way she isn't going to hear from me cause i'm going to the Caribbean until june

 

she is moving nearly 4 hrs away. so the small casual dating will be hard... somehow she managed with this guy who lived 6-7 hrs away for a long time... we will see.

 

i think ill see where she is at after i get back and feel things out then. maybe more will surface or not...

 

either way, a relationship confirm on her part means i'm gone forever... if thats whats going on, i wish she'd grow a pair an let me know

[Happy Bunny]

John, I second everyone who says to go NC. IMO she's just keeping a bird in hand and is just using you.

 

There's mention of you working on your "problems". From what I'm reading, you're not the one with the problem. She is. Working on improving yourself just to impress her and to make her think she's better off with you isn't going to work if she doesn't appreciate it. And if you let her get away with it now, it'll happen again. And again. And again. Please don't put yourself through that. You deserve better.

[JohnTheMan]

if i decide to go back to nc, i dont know how to do it...

 

i told her i would get in touch with her. i told her our next conversation wouldn't be aobut relationships...

[Happy Bunny]

if i decide to go back to nc, i dont know how to do it...

 

i told her i would get in touch with her. i told her our next conversation wouldn't be aobut relationships...

 

Well, you can do one of two things. First, just don't call her. Period. Don't return her calls, don't respond to her on FB or anywhere else. Just go cold turkey.

 

Or, you can tell her that you don't want to talk to her anymore, and tell her why. Be honest and up front about it. I know you don't want to hurt her, but that's the only way she's going to get it. She needs to understand that she's hurt you, and that you can't trust her any more. Especially after the necklace thing.

 

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be harsh, but beating around the bush isn't going to get through to her. You need to be direct. And then get on with your life. You deserve someone who isn't going to cheat on you or string you along. You were out of state for what? Two months? And she couldn't wait--she was at it in two weeks. She should have been glad it wasn't two YEARS.

[JohnTheMan]

she just commented a response saying "yes" that he gave it to her!!!

 

 

waht should i do?!?!?!?

 

is it possible a guy would give this guy would give her a piece of jewelery and i'm wrong?

 

to me this is final. they have a romantic involvement

[JohnTheMan]

i am writing to her... time to go NC again...

heres what i said:

 

So i'm talking to someone today and telling them we had met... and shockingly I'm

then informed with undeniable evidence that you indeed lied to me and you STILL have

romantic interest with Matt. I gave you dozens of chances to be honest with me and

I did things YOUR way. I have changed my mind, I don't want you to have any part of

my life anymore. I am moving on.

 

Thoughts?