strategy or honesty, keeping contact or no?

[kissonthelips]

Here it is: I'll try to be brief. I've been with a guy for a year and a half and he just dumped me 10 days ago. I'm in Europe, he's in the states, but I spent all year over there (after he broke up a first time last july 2003)... When I returned to the US, we got back together... I am cute, but I'm not claudia schiffer or anything... When he broke up, he invoked my not having satisfactorily lost weight in all that time . I lost 6 kilos and have a few more to go, but I'm tall and attractive, and he didn't mind.... He said: "it's not the weight, it's the fact it proves your inability to be loyal to your own goals".... vomit.... But... I could see the truth in it. I've lost 3 more since I got back to Europe and am sticking to it. I do think it's important to be beautiful. He wants to stay in contact and be friends. I know he enjoys how insightful I can be, and forthright and giving, but there's something about it that makes me feel uncomfortable. The place I'm being relegated to...I'm heading back there normally July 20 and wonder what position to adopt. Contact? No contact? be a bitch a bit, for a change... Could use wise advice... Also, he writes emails and calls a little bit, not much, just to see maybe... It was great for a while, and we thought we would marry... The he came up with "maybe I could do better" BS... I overheard him talk to a friend about how great I was, but that maybe he could find someone more attractive.... I insist that I'm not a damn sea bass and he used to find me beautiful... he's heading to law school and I think "wants to play the field". Any idea of how I could "smite" him? My dignity has really been hurt ...

[Shy_Guy]

There's two separate issues here that need dealt with.

 

1) Your self-esteem. If your seeking to improve yourself as a means of trying to lure him back, I'd say this is a mistake, plain and simple. I applaud you for being motivated to better yourself, but it should be to make YOU feel better about yourself, not just as a means to seek approval from others.

 

2) Your 'boyfriend'. Do you really want to be involved in someone who treats you like dirt? Seriously, while this is another self-esteem issue, this relationship doesn't sound like it could be truly healthy for you. You don't need his type of poison. You deserve and should demand only a supportive, mutually caring relationship, what that's built on respect on both sides.

 

 

He doesn't respect you, and the best way to 'smite' him would be to hold your head high, realize that you're worth more than what he's offering, and don't look back, look forward. You deserve nothing less.

 

Good luck to you.

[kissonthelips]

HI Shy guy,

 

Ironically, the date you joined is my birthday.. october 16... Thanks a lot for your reply. No, I'm not doing it for him. But I do have to say that time is like cotton... you get used to yourself a certain way, and you even get used to wanting yourself to be different... used to being dissatisfied... and this jarred me... I do get motivated when I'm pissed off. It's not for anyone's approval, it's to have rights: society is weird that gorgeous girls get away with a lot more.... when you're only attractive,it's like something happens that you have to "obey". A bald guy has to be nicer than Brad Pitt, because he has "fewer options"... if you know what I mean. And I'm sick of it, totally sick of it. Yes, I have a fantasy that I'll run into him in several months and his jaw will drop off his face and I'll have the right to treat him the way he treated me... Not a lofty goal, but some Kill Bill action is needed here... I know he will call or email sometime soon and I feel like smiting him... to be honest, if I say something mean, he'll never call again, and I won't get the chance ... weird dilemma...If I act bored or indifferent, he'll do the same. He's a comfort seeker, so... Maybe the best is just silence....

[EatZ]

Hi kissonthelips,

 

I agree with Shy_Guy. You deserve a lot better than this drop kick.

 

I'm totally exasperated by this whole "I'm leaving you because you haven't lost xyz amount of kg's, and that obviously means this and this and this...". Honestly, what is this guy on about?! Losing weight has absolutely NO relation to your tenacity or how you achieve your goals in life. Where does he get off saying this sort of stuff?! What an utter load of crap!

 

You deserve someone that loves you for you, kissonthelips. If you want to know how to smite him, don't give him the luxury of being able to speak to you anymore. End any and all communication with him. If he decides to contact you, either give him a cold response or don't respond at all. He'll either leave you alone (good), or feel awful for how he's treated you (even better).

 

Let him know that there's no "maybe" in all of this. If he thinks he can find someone more attractive, then fine! Good luck to him! He's only going to continue jumping from relationship to relationship, breaking hearts and carrying on as the shallow, mindless idiot that you've described him to be.

 

Good luck kissonthelips, and well done for realizing you don't need to put up with this kind of treatment. I hope you get your Kill Bill moment someday.

 

Take care.

[kissonthelips]

Hey thanks. Nice you would respond to me, I've noticed your posts before and liked them.... Yeah, there's something about telling him : "you don't respect me" that would be kind of... "yeah, I don't, and?"... a big chance to take... I find it unbelievable he would exploit my tender spot, especially after having shagged it for a year and half!!!! One wants to say: why didn't you not date me, then? Actually, I did say that and , in his own future-lawyer slime way, he said..: "I had no problem with you being like that... but you kept mentioning you were gonna do something about it, so I got my hopes up...." Mind you, I did one stupid thing: I am a fan of strip clubs and took him three times... The last time, the next morning, he tried to dump me saying: "when I think of the hot bodies I could have.." yeah, forget how cool it is to date a chick who digs creepy night places... I actually don't regret that part. I'll still go, even without him frankly... But he is SOOOO ambivalent... And it sucked, because his ocnduct always made me feel rejected but he wouldn't leave me.. "you're a part of me, I love you, I can't..." Until I hade been in France for a week, and he could... Part of the hardship is that one can't believe one actually loved a jerk. Admitting he's a jerk means admitting to one's poor judgement (again...), so it seems easier to keep trying... No worry, that feeling is passing, thank christ. Ironically, he's a branch. Tall and bony, super bony, cause he's a marathon runner. And neevr dates runners.... I think he picks chicks he can feel superior to, which is pathetic... And at first, and even now in some respects, he feels like a dwarf compared to me (on specific issues). he used ot make jokes about how much smarter I was than he and, well, not smart enough I guess since I stuck around... The only thing, and I'll finish with this, that prevents me from totally breaking it off once and for all, is that I don't want him to add me to this list of women (3 now) whom he broke up with thinking they wanted more from him than he was willing to give. Ah yeas, the easy ploy of making women pass for needy little girls to cloak your own totally ungiving and inadequate self....

[EatZ]

kissonthelips, I had 7 month relationship with a girl that was already involved with someone. How stupid must I feel?

 

I got deeply intimate with her, slept with her, even trusted her with my heart to never break it, DESPITE the fact that I knew she was being disloyal to another person to be with me. That should have been a warning sign right from the start. A sign that she couldn't be loyal. A sign that she couldn't be faithful or trusted.

 

She called me her soulmate, her one, her future happiness. She said she wanted to be with me forever and that while I couldn't have her physically right now, I'd always have her heart and soul (she moved with him to another city about 4 months into our relationship to start a 2nd degree). I fell for all of it. I fell so madly deeply in love that I could honestly see a future for us. And because of who I am, I never forced an ultimatum on her. I never pressured her or demanded that she break up with him and gave her all the time in the world to let him down as slowly as possible. I never wanted to hurt the other guy in all of this, despite the fact that he too was a total jerk and didn't deserve her. He treated her awfully and would never have been the lover that I could've been to her. I was EXTREMELY forgiving of how hard it is to break up with someone, so I kept reassuring her "I'm not going anywhere, my heart belongs to you".

 

My patience resulted in her becoming complacent. Eventually she tossed me aside when she realised she was happy to be alone with him in another city, playing "happy families" as it were. I fell apart. I felt utterly used by her and she ruined my heart as a result.

 

The point of my little story is this.

 

We all do stupid things, but you're NEVER stupid for believing or having faith that the other person was nicer than they actually turned out to be. That's NOT your fault.

 

As for not wanting to break it off because you don't want to be added to one of his little lists... Hunny, who cares?!?! He's a shallow, self-absorbed, one-of-a-kind LOSER. He's under the illusion that he can get any woman he wants. He CAN'T! He can't have you anymore for starters...

 

By the sounds of things he's going to misconstrue the facts regardless of what you do. And besides, if his friends aren't stupid they'll see past his reasoning and see him for what he really is. How could they honestly not see that if he was such a great person, why would all these women be dumping him? If these women are so needy, why is this guy not more than enough for them? If he's so unwilling to give in a relationship, why is he bothering with relationships at ALL?!

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting more from a relationship kissonthelips. Hell, I want more from my next relationship! Next time I'm GOING to be needy. Not to the extent of being emotionally dependant, but I'm certainly going to demand more from my lover. I'm not going stand for being second best, or being "a bit on the side" when I invest all my love into someone. I'm not going to consider other peoples feelings before I tend to my own. Don't worry about him anymore kissonthelips, seriously.

 

Here's two things you could do. Either:

 

A) Move on.

 

or

 

B) Deal him one last blow (your revenge), and then move on.

 

Don't delay because you don't want to be added to his little list. Breaking it off completely will be the best thing you ever do. He'll be nothing but baggage until you do. Do you honestly see yourself with this man in the future anyway? Is he father material? Is he husband material? Is he even MATURE?

 

Good luck hot stuff. Keep us posted!

[kissonthelips]

Howdy,

 

Funny.... As I was reading your thread, I was thinking to myself: "don't be mad at yourself for having had faith" and then you said it yourself.... I've been on both sides of the fence: waiting for a man to leave the woman he was with, and being with 2 people, one of whom was waiting for me to leave the other. But ultimately, I broke it off with the one who never pressured me to leave my boyfriend, because i realzied that's what he wanted: part of me, not the old adage "all of me", and I couldn't take it. I wanted to be with him entirely but realized within a month or two that he would always separate a side of himself from me, hence the convenience of being with someone who already was with someone... he'd done it for 8 years before... Ultimately, within weeks, I left both....

 

He called last night and left a message, but I was at the movies, seeing a terrible flick about a woman who sleeps with her son and kills herself as she gives him a "jobhand"... yeah, could have saved six euros on that one... I didn't call back (which never ever happens, I am so reliable that way, it's sickening....) He is definitely self-centered and the man he admires most is a jesuit professor who's never had a woman and does what he wishes with hsi time.... I did ask: why in the world do you want to bother with a relationship considering how you calue using your time? I let him come and live with me in France for 3 months and often he would want to go shopping on his own, or do stuff alone to use his language skills.... He said: "I've figured out how I can make the best of my time here: hang out with people without you". When I think of it, and as I watch myself typing these words, I realize how ridiculous it is... Naturally, I was hysterical, but he'd just gotten there and I figured he'd get over it and relax... But ultimately, I think he wanted a "host mom", like in high-school exchanges... In fact, as he heads to law school, he'll be renting a room in a house, with a family, or a widow: perfect: alone, yet not alone...

 

The problem, in my view, is this: people want all the benefits of relationships, while having one foot in and one foot out, in "case it just doesn't work out". But nothing can ever work out if you're not both feet in. I want to have my feet in, my feet tied, my hands tied, my heart tied. That's the only way to grow, to go, in my mind.... I want to be my boyfriend's best friend and vice versa and build a wonderful little life together, with activities and a complicity so complete that there is no fear of solitude from one another or separation... exquite osmosis....I know I'll get it - once I'm the kind of partner I want to attract.... I have bad memories of myself being hysterical with him, because he was so withholding... I tried to do the self-help thing, being rational, not taking any of the rejections personnally.... But ultimately, you feel the way you feel... and it's normal for a girl to feel rejected when her boyfriend won't spend weeknights with her on account of his "morning routine". I'll just listen to my feelings more next time - always the same lesson to be learned over and over again... your gut does not lie...

 

Thanks so much for your input. It's the first time I've resorted to electronic assistance and I have to say it does make one feel better. Ultimately, no need for revenge: my revenge is the fact that he has a dried prune instead of a heart and I will take my ability to love deeply elsewhere - he's stuck with being limited....