He needs his space pt. 2 & I'm hurting

[Mary79]

The other day I posted that the guy I'm currently talking to/seeing found out a few wks ago that his ex is pg and it might be his or the guy she's currently with. He also is out of work struggling to find a new job so he's pretty stressed. He said that he has alot on his mind & he needs to figure out his life so he needs some space right now.

 

Coming out of a bad relationship I can be the most negative person/thinker I know. I am always on my toes & constantly thinking bad things are going to happen. With that being said I'm already starting to sabotage this (whatever you wanna call it bc we're not officially bf/gf it's just the beginning). I have known him for a few yrs now but this is the first time that I've actually taken it a little more serious however now that he found out his ex is pg his life is in his words "turned upside down". The thing that is bothering me the most besides the unknown and not knowing if it is his child what he's going to do with me more or less bc I think that's in the back of his mind, but also the fact that lately he's been adding females of all ages on his myspace page. Yesterday I went off on him bc I was so upset about it. but I know doing that is just going to make things worse. He says so what it's just myspace and some ppl request him or he might request them but it's not that serious. He told me lastnight and today bc I've been frantic about this stupid adding of these females that he's not talking to anyone else right now and he's not trying to..he keeps saying that he just needs his space. I guess I just think he's too old to really be going hard on myspace. Like instead of going on it his should look for a job but I can't tell him what to do. I'm just a little nervous and paranoid (which is the worst to show someone else bc then they sometimes see you as being very insecure which is not good at all this I know), bc I really do like him alot. I told him that I miss him, talking to him, texting him seeing him etc. bc basically he just wants me to really give him his space bc I was blowing up his phone the other day and his text messages so he was saying that he doesn't want it to get to the point where he treats me foul to the point I think he's mean person. So I'm not trying to bring that out & at the same time I really don't want him to think I'm crazy. It's got to the point that the other day I was texting him every few minutes today he said that he was so mad that he was thinking about changing his number I apologized for od'ing I told him that I'm just frustrated with this whole stupid myspace thing. Which is probably the least of the problems in the big picture.

 

This whole situation is hard bc although he says that he likes me and all this it's upsetting to see him adding alot of females to his page. I know we are not official at this time so technically I shouldn't go nuts over it..it just bothers me. Now that he knows it does I feel like maybe he's gonna go even harder at doing it to see if maybe I say anything. He said that sometimes he knows most of the ppl he's adding bc they're from around his way but I'm sure there's quite a handful that he may not know. He said that alot of them are alot younger than him & he doesn't go there bc he doesn't need more stress in his life right now. I just feel confused, a little stressed & hurt about the pregnancy also. I've never been in a situation like this before & as far as giving time it makes me nervous bc it's fear of the unknown pretty much. I just feel like in this time/space that he needs is he looking to hook up/meet other girls hence the myspace. He said no that I got everything all wrong so I have to just fall back I guess..but it is very hard bc I really do want to be with him. He knows how I feel about him, he just has alot to figure out. But when I look at his pages & check them I guess that's what eggs me on to text him & he just doesn't even wanna hear from me right now. He said that I'm pushing him further away by my actions. I know I have major trust issues & that's where alot of this stems from, I caught my ex so many times on myspace hitting up females saying that he was single so I just really don't trust all these stupid networking sites. But in the big picture I'm more worried about his ex & this kid being his. Yesterday he was talking a little bit about her & said sometimes she could be dramatic but now he considers her a mute compared to me. I'm just a nice caring person who doesn't want to get hurt. It's hard to trust but it's a risk you have to take. I am just confused about alot of things.

 

I also looked out for him a few wks ago & got him an AC I didn't pay for it bc of someone I know who works in the store & he was really greatful bc his broke. So that may also be why this space bothers me too. I saw his ex's fb page after he told me her name yesterday & she looks like a sweet girl who has her life together. I just feel so sad like I wish this wasn't happening I know I have to handle this in a mature way I just never had to deal with something like this before & I feel like if I'm such a good person how come I always get the short end of the stick. Hopefully everything will be okay soon enough. In the meantime I don't wanna be waiting for someone for that long so maybe if I give it maximum a month & then see what happens.

 

If anyone has any words pls feel free to drop me a line.

[Ms Darcy]

Mary, sweetheart, you are a mess. I say that with all love because I can certainly understand the impulse, but I really think you need to get real with yourself for a moment. There are four big truths here that you need to acknowledge.

 

1. He is not your bf.

2. He asked you for space.

3. You are being needy and insecure.

4. He is not responsible for your past.

 

He has not once made a commitment to you. He is not your bf. You are essentially in the stage where he is auditioning you for the part (as you should be auditioning him) and you are failing. When a guy who is not your bf asks you for space, that's pretty much the kiss of death.

 

Why is he asking for space? I can tell you that I'm sure all the stress he has going on in his life is a major factor, but YOUR behavior is adding to it. He told you that you are pushing him away. I suspect that he 'pushing' is complete and he's pretty much gone. You aren't his gf, at the very least he's looking at others, and he's telling you to back off. What more of a signal can he give that he's trying to extricate himself from you? Well, perhaps telling you directly that you are "drama." Ouch.

 

I'm not saying these things to hurt you honey. I know how much love means to us and how important it is. I've been with my bf for nearly two years and I STILL have (very rare) phases where I start to wonder where he is and what he's doing. Many of us have been cheated on in the past. It is not the fault of the guy you are dating; he is not responsible for healing you and making you better. It is YOUR job to heal you. So, if I have these thoughts, I have to step outside of myself and ask where they are coming from. Most importantly, I can't transfer those feelings to him ... asking him why didn't he tell me where he was blah blah. No, that is for us to deal with on our own. And when you do, sure enough, he'll open up on his own. Like clockwork, my bf will start to share ... and I suspect that if you backed off your friend might open up with you a bit more. But you cannot expect it or push it because he is not more than a friend to you sweetie.

 

I hate it hate it hate it when people say "I don't want to get hurt again." Dating is a risk, yes. More than that, dating is a recognition that you are weeding people out to find the person you want to spend your life with. You are not going to 'fit' with everyone. When you say you don't want to get hurt, it's a statement that puts oweness on the person you are dating to handle you with kid gloves. Of course you would want to be treated with respect and fidelity, and those are things you can demand. But if you don't get respect, then walk. Simple as that. Usually when people make that statement they seem more like wounded children then confident adults. You need to reframe your thinking and know that there are some bad apples out there and that you might even get hurt, but you know what you want and you are strong enough to throw the bad apples away. The guy you are dating is not responsible for healing you from your past. We all have bad pasts and if you are not healed enough to date without punishing the next guy for your ex, take a break from dating until you are.

 

Sweetie, where is your power in all of this?! You said: "I don't know what he'll want to do with me." You are not the acted upon; you are one of two main actors. You are not a victim and you do not require his love but that's all I'm reading here. Notice I haven't talked much about the girls on facebook. Who knows what it means? What you need to decide is do you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is keeping you at arms length? When you are secure in yourself, you know that you don't need to. That is a recipe for stress, heartache, and insecurity.

[Ms Darcy]

Mary,

 

I just wanted to add another note because I really do care and don't want to see you torturing yourself. You are 31. Clearly you want love and a happy relationship. What do you see for yourself in your future? Do you want a husband? Children? You need to think about your goals and a very loose timeline. Would you like to be in a serious relationship within the next few years?

 

Then you need to think about how you are going to get there. Maybe this is not the point in life to even start dating someone who does not have the mental and emotional will to be with you. You should feel loved every day. And when you are dating, the guy should LOVE being with you ... not pushing you away like you are trash.

 

Mary, you put yourself on a pedastal. No one else. That doesn't mean you are better than anyone, but it means that you recognize your worth. You are too good to blow up anyone's phone and go off about other girls. You need to see yourself as a lady with dignity and self-respect.

 

The most powerful thing you can do is to choose to walk away when something is not working for you. I have done that and it gave me the confidence to realize what I deserve and did not deserve. I walked from a cheater and I never looked back. I don't blame him. I think I was only hurt for a couple of months. The more lasting impression was a feeling of power and empowerment. Men will start treating you with the respect that you bestow upon yourself. Remember that.

[Mary79]

Thanks Ms Darcy! I guess sometimes I find that I have a hard time controlling myself or my emotions. Maybe I let him know how I felt too quickly and that may make things harder for him and all these things that he has to deal with.

 

To be honest before I started talking to him again I stayed to myself. I didn't talk to any guys for a while and I really was focusing on myself. He was actually frustrated with me bc he kept trying to make plans and I kept turning him down. Then finally after we started hanging out this happened..leaving me where I am now. I kick myself bc I feel like if I wouldn't have fell off the path I was on and continued to get my life in order I wouldn't be going thru or feeling this way right now. It's not hard to get back on I just have to do it.

 

The problem is that it is hard at times to not check his pages and wonder what he's doing. I've been there done that a few times in past relationships and only made myself more stressed and upset. It's just hard when you have deep feelings for a person and things don't always turn out the way you'd like them to. I know that's life I'm old enough to know right from wrong and if something isn't good enough or good at all for me. Sometimes I just put those things to the side and let my emotions take over like I use my heart instead of my head.

 

I'm not sure if for right now I should just give it a few wks and see if he contacts me or what. I just don't wanna make myself crazy or upset if I see him doing things online bc I know that he has friends and obviously he is going to try to distract himself at times from dealing with what he needs to. I just feel so hurt, I know I'll be okay with time it's just I have to get there again..and this is the part I hate.

 

I hope this will get better for me..and I hope it doesn't take that long. I don't want to be sad or depressed over someone else so I just have to stay strong and take care of me. I know I'm worth alot it's just I fall hard and I might scare people away bc my heart is so big and ready to love someone and it's always nice to feel love back.

 

Thank you again.

[Ms Darcy]

I hope this will get better for me..and I hope it doesn't take that long. I don't want to be sad or depressed over someone else so I just have to stay strong and take care of me. I know I'm worth alot it's just I fall hard and I might scare people away bc my heart is so big and ready to love someone and it's always nice to feel love back.

 

Thank you again.

 

Blowing up at someone? Checking their webpages? Calling over and over? Mary, that's not love that's controlling and insecure. Your heart is not ready to love when you are doing these things.