How responsible do I hold her to her actions while broken up?

[Convict7]

So my story is all over the place on this board and you can look through my posts to get it all. I will give the short version here for background.

-With gf for 7years

-Engaged for a few of those years

-I became lazy with the effort/affection

-She looked elsewhere and had emotional affairs(physical suspected, nothing for sure)

-Lots of fights when she was caught and months of painful trying to work it out

-We finally break up because she can't take the fighting anymore and needs to reevaluate the relationship

-During the breakup she goes back to some of the actions that caused the fighting/rift between us.

-I text, she calls and we want to work it out

 

Here's the problem in my mind. When the proverbial poo hit the fan a few months ago I demanded that the calling other men stop immediately. It did. It stopped for the whole rest of the time we were together. Then we broke up and she admits to going right back to calling other guys in the night. One of the biggest problems that harmed me the most was her calling other people, especially after we got off the phone late at night. We don't live together so it's not like I would notice her sneaking off to talk. We talk at night to wind down and say goodnight when we get off the phone. It became a big issue with me that she would say goodnight and then jump right on the phone again and chat with other men all night.

 

If she went right back to doing this when we broke up how much can I really expect that it won't happen again if we get back together? During those last few months I only knew she wasn't doing it because we each had all of each other's passwords and I could check on it if I was feeling suspicious. I don't want to ask for her passwords again, I just want her to be trustworthy enough that I don't have to wonder all the time.

 

Just to make it clear, I'm not mad at her for calling people while broken up. I'm concerned that it's something she really enjoys and she can't give it up to be with me. Especially now that I couldn't catch her anymore.

 

I really want it to work this time and I don't want to leave loose ends from how it ended that could trip us up again.

[pumpkinmoon]

I really don't understand this. Why would she need to phone other men, especially late at night? Are these just male friends or people she was interested in or were they interested in her?

 

I also find it hard to believe that these men would be happy with just talking on the phone all night with nothing else on offer.

 

To me it seems she likes the attention she gets from other men even whilst she is in a relationship.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

To me it seems she likes the attention she gets from other men even whilst she is in a relationship.

 

Yes, and this is what is troubling. This woman craves attention from other men and I don't think it is a very good idea for someone to have to put a leash on their partner or else the partner because without the leash the partner will just go running after other men. If this woman is that attention-seeking and craves the attention of other men, I don't think it is a good idea to get back together with her.

[Convict7]

Honestly, I love her dearly. After years of knowing her I love the flaws and all. If the problem is really that she has some compulsion for male attention that she can't hold back, then I would want to work on it with her. Find some outlet in which she can get her fix without harming me as well. It sounds crazy but it's how I truly feel. If she loves me and would be willing to find a viable option that wouldn't harm me I would be all for it.

 

To the thought that she may be meeting these men she calls; she claims they are friendly and 99% of them live very very far away. The claim is that there is nothing romantic about it.

[Mustachio]

Well, I wouldnt hold her responsible for things she did while you were broken up... you were broken up, neither of you owed anything to the other. But yes, I would find it troubling.

 

It seems like you have already made up your mind about whether you are going to get back together with her or not (I would assume yes you are). But in this case I would say the past needs to be left in the past, but a watchful eye kept for the future. You need to bring these things up with her and try and find a compromise that will work and then set boundaries that you both agree on... and if the boundaries are broken, then you need to get out.

[pumpkinmoon]

99% of them? How many are there???

 

If they live far away too these aren't even proper friends are they? Are they men she may have met on the internet? Doesn't she have any girlfriends she can talk to at night if she's bored?

 

I really don't like the sound of this at all. If she needs the attention that much it will be very hard for her to change that.

[metrogirl]

I understand you love her, but can you honestly say that you would be comfortable knowing that she finds her pleasure with other men? You should be more than enough for her and if you aren't in her eyes, then you really need to find someone that you are good enough for.

[Convict7]

The thing of it is I don't know where the need to make these calls comes from. She says it started from me being inattentive and I can believe that. It could have started again because we were broken up and she was lonely. It just hangs there in the sky above me to know that it could very well still be going on because there was no reason for it stopping. I feel like it stops because I could get upset over it, not because the temptation has faded. I don't know how to follow this train of thought to it's conclusion.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It seems like she is truly just caught up in being needy (the second you are gone, she refills the pool by calling others) and getting attention from men. I do not feel she can really be trusted as someone who has your best interest individually and as a couple, in mind.

 

I think once a woman has an emotional affair, she is very out of the relationship. She needs to make a commitment one way or another.