j.love Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 Hello All, I've been on the forum for a few days now posting since my break up 5 days ago. I figured it would be helpful to write about my experience. My boyfriend and I were friends before we started dating in October 2009. The six months we had together were wonderful. No fights and we talked about all our problems. I am Haitian-American and he's Chinese-American, people would stare but we didn't care. Race was never an issue for us until recently. But a few days ago his parents found out about us being together. They sat him down and said that he could never bring a black girl home and told him to end it. He did. I don't know what to do, i know he still cares for and i still care about him. Any advice from anyone on the situation, please. Link to comment
shessofly Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 i know of a black man and chinese woman who married against her parent's wishes. she ended up going over to hong kong shortly after they married to appease her parents. long story short she ended up gone for a very long time, and they are now divorced. the point is, there's nothing you can do when someone is that strongly influenced by the opinion of their family, unless they choose to go their own way. the choice is his, and right now he's choosing to keep his family happy. have you spoken to him since the breakup? Link to comment
sahasupa Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 I personally could never date anyone so dependent on what parents say. Move on. Link to comment
j.love Posted May 9, 2010 Author Share Posted May 9, 2010 I have spoken with him once so far and he feels miserable. So I am so confused by his actions. Link to comment
MikNomis Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 I would say otherwise if your boyfriend resisted his parents demand to end it with you, but he gave in to them. So unless your boyfriend comes back and tries to make it work with you on his own, I don't suggest you try to pursue him at all. And don't think ANYTHING of how sad he tells you he is. All it will do is bring you down and keep you hoping for more. Try to avoid conversing with him and don't let him see that you are miserable. Link to comment
j.love Posted May 9, 2010 Author Share Posted May 9, 2010 I would say otherwise if your boyfriend resisted his parents demand to end it with you, but he gave in to them. So unless your boyfriend comes back and tries to make it work with you on his own, I don't suggest you try to pursue him at all. And don't think ANYTHING of how sad he tells you he is. All it will do is bring you down and keep you hoping for more. Try to avoid conversing with him and don't let him see that you are miserable. You're right Mike, I keep thinking that he'll change his mind cause of how he feels. After talking with him I know he won't change his mind about us. He's just not that strong to go against his family. But I can't still help feeling that maybe just maybe he'll change his mind. I wish I could get rid of this hope, because its keeping me from truly moving on with my life. Link to comment
MikNomis Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 It sucks, the feeling that hope gives you. When I hesitate to make a decision because hope is holding me back, I collect opinions from outside viewpoints. I would ask my friends what they think of this situation, or ask on this forum for peoples' thoughts. Also, I would search and read other threads with similar problems to mine, and see how that person handled it and how it turned out. Unfortunately, most of the time it turns out that "hoping that they would change their mind" just doesn't happen. That helps me to stay in reality and eliminate illusions of what I wish would happen. Link to comment
j.love Posted May 9, 2010 Author Share Posted May 9, 2010 The irony of the situation is the fact that my friend's think that we'll get back together. All my friends thought we were perfect for each other and that he'll eventually come around. what do you think? Link to comment
MikNomis Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 If your friends knew your boyfriend well, then it's possible that they have grown close to him enough that they also strongly wish for you two to work out in the end. They may feel that it's such a waste for a relationship like yours to go down the way it did, so they may try to give you advice that would make an attempt to salvage it. What I'm saying is, their advice for you might also be heavily influenced by emotion, which is usually the less successful advice, so try and collect more opinions from people who are close as well as not very close with both you and your ex. Link to comment
j.love Posted May 9, 2010 Author Share Posted May 9, 2010 thank you for the advice...i am just so lost and confused Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 thank you for the advice...i am just so lost and confused I can certainly see why you would be. What a shock and betrayal. That has to hurt. I have a Korean friend whose parents disapproved of her boyfriend for similar reasons and they gave her no end of grief. She was with him for about 15 years before they married---kept hoping her parents would come around. When they finally did marry, her parents wouldn't come to the wedding and only recently acknowledged the marriage. It's taken a lot for her to be strong about this and, IMO, they haven't even pulled out the big guns (like disowning her). In some cultures, parents get to have a lot of say in their children's adult lives. It doesn't make sense to me either, but I'd say your BF is between a rock and a hard place right now and he may be making the best decision for himself given the circumstances. Know that their rejection of you is based on ignorance and stereotypes and not you. They don't even know you! Sorry this is happening . . . Link to comment
j.love Posted May 10, 2010 Author Share Posted May 10, 2010 thank you coolchick the past few times that i have talked to my ex he said that i only see the situation relating to him and me. that he has to see the situation involving our relationship and his family. due to your comment i'm starting to see thing from a different perspective. i'm not saying what he did was right or okay....but I know it was difficult for him. Link to comment
michaelhopes Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 ouch....dont take it personally.....a lot of Chinese kids and parents are connected at the hip for life. Most of the older Chinese are rascist especially if they're from the mainland. I know one Chinese lady born here in California that is 50 years old, never had a boyfriend and still lives with her parents because they want her to take care of them until they die. She has always been and probably will always be miserable......sad...... Link to comment
purplerain14 Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 i'm going through something very similar except we dated for almost 4 yrs and his parents have always been against our relationship. they told him to end it at the beginning as well but he didn't. looking back, i wish one of us was strong enough/ smart enough to end it then because it would have made things so much easier now. Link to comment
j.love Posted May 10, 2010 Author Share Posted May 10, 2010 sorry to hear that purplerain....i think that's one of the bright spots in this situation, we were not together for a very long time. cause that would be devastating Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 ....Know that their rejection of you is based on ignorance and stereotypes and not you. They don't even know you! It even goes beyond that. It's not truly a rejection of you or anything about the color of your skin, exactly, but a tight embrace of Chinese culture. You could be Japanese and it would be even worse! Chinese children are expected to marry Chinese and have Chinese grandchildren. It is expected and an embarrasment to the old school Chinese when their children marry non-Chinese. I've seen it repeatedly. I mistakenly said my Chinese doctor in Chicago was Korean while he was just starting to close me up after a c-section. He said, "Korean!!! For that you lose one ovary!" I said I was sorry very quickly. He said because I was so quick, he'd leave the ovary. He married a caucasian woman, but his family never accepted the marriage until their children were born. Link to comment
j.love Posted May 11, 2010 Author Share Posted May 11, 2010 I just want to know why me and our relationship isn't special enough to fight for. why am i not worth it? Link to comment
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