How to deal with falling for my best friend, need advise

[cixelsiD]

I've been friends with a girl for the better part of 10 years. I fell for her close to 6 years ago. In the past I would drop subtle hints pointing in the direction of taking our relationship to the next level, which went unnoticed. Eventually I wrote her a e-mail professing my love for her, but doing so in a way to put the ball in her court. She seemed to have no reaction, but after that tension continuously built between us. Through misguided actions on both our parts, we ended up having a nasty blow out and didn't speak to each other for 1 1/2 years. I had made several attempts to get her to talk about it after the fact, with no luck or response. After that I tried to let her go, but I never lost the love I felt for her. Then close to a year ago she contacts me, we began hanging out again, and we quickly became best friends again. Now I find myself more in love with her than before, keep in mind there were several other factors that lead to our blowout, aside from the e-mail I had sent. But now she is in an abusive relationship. I have never interfered with any of her relationships in the past, and in some cases, I put my feelings aside to try to help her repair failing relationships. To me, it was about seeing her happy, even if I wasn't. Again I have begun dropping hints, but treading carefully. And I have become quite vocal about this relationship, but in the interest of getting her o walk away from certain danger. Keep in mind that I am not a fighter, but the way her current boyfriend treats her makes me quite angry, she deserves better. And the only reason I have not hospitalized this guy is because I don't want to be the one hurting her. But her current boyfriend has potential to begin beating her. He hasn't hit her yet, but he has got into shoving matches and on one occasion pushed her down the stairs. He is an alcoholic, and a nasty one at that. Her and I know almost everything there is to know about each other, and she confides in me very frequently, mostly in tears. But yet she won't leave him, I believe because her self esteem has been shattered. I have always and will always treat her with respect and love, and I think she knows that I still love her. For many years now, I haven't even carried an interest in other women, due to my feelings for her. I want to show her what having real love returned to her is like. I ask anyone out there. Is there any possible way to get her to see me as a potential boyfriend. We are very compatible, and we see each other frequently, and enjoy each others company very much. At this point, the way I feel about her and and the relationship I have with her causes me pain on a daily basis, because I want more. But the only way I feel I can get over her, is by walking away from our friendship. But at the same time losing a best friend and confidant, would do damage to her in this trying time. Am I being selfish? Does anyone have advise for me?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you are leaving yourself very open to heartbreak. Even if she leaves this guy and falls into your arms, it will not be for the reasons you would like. She would fall into your arms out of desperate neediness, not out of love for you. You can't save her from herself. She needs to be the one to end her relationship and get herself back on track.

[cixelsiD]

I think you are leaving yourself very open to heartbreak. Even if she leaves this guy and falls into your arms, it will not be for the reasons you would like. She would fall into your arms out of desperate neediness, not out of love for you. You can't save her from herself. She needs to be the one to end her relationship and get herself back on track.

 

Thanks for your attention. And yes, you are correct about the heartbreak, only I have already been living it. In my attempts to get her to leave this guy, again, mostly for her safety. I have in fact been telling her to take the time to get herself back together, and find a happy place. I'm lost when it comes to getting her out of my head. I am having an extremely difficult time letting go of the way I feel. I really don't know any other way than leaving our friendship to the past, which I'm not to fond of the idea. I keep her best interests at heart, and I know the chances of getting what I want are slim to none. I'm lost and confused because I want my pain to come to a end, without the friendship coming to a end.

[Brigadoon]

Cix, looking at this logically I kinda feel like you need to walk away as you being supportive of her is actually enabling her relationship with him. If you weren't there who would be emotionally supportive of her? You are in a sense like the ex who sticks around while she's with a rebound. You can't make someone love you but you can increase the likelihood of them finding you attractive and at the moment you are showing her doglike devotion and an extreme lack of self respect by sticking around for whatever scraps you can get.

I feel absolutely horrible saying this to you but I really think that you need to hear it. Think about what your original post said, you've been putting your life on hold for years for this girl and although she's displaying a lot of attachment she's not making a move in your direction. That's probably because she knows she can have you at any time.

I once read that the only thing that we want more than what we can't have is what we thought we had and now don't. If you really want her, regardless of whether you should or not (bearing in mind that the heart wants what it wants) then you have to get as as far away from her as possible. Work on yourself, physically and emotionally and show her that you've given up and that you're moving on. Go NC for your own sanity and let her either come to you or else allow you to move on and start living your life to the full. You can't "save" her; she needs to find enough self respect and self worth to do that for herself. Give her the gift of allowing her to get on with that lesson if you truly care for her as much as you say you do.

[cixelsiD]

Thank you for your advise. When we had our blow out, it was her that brought our friendship to a end. It was her that also contacted me leading us to re-kindle our friendship. My worries extend to the fact that her boyfriend is potentially dangerous to her, and I honestly feel that he could go too far. Far beyond just hurting her physically, and that worries me for her safety. But walking away from her is definitely difficult, as I have already felt that pain. I have always given her support, including now, but I have not gave her support regarding her current boyfriend. Quite the opposite actually. This is the first boyfriend I have consistently pressed her to leave him, and he's the only one that I've done this with. I am in fact loyal to all my friends and family. I come to the conclusion that our friendship has with stood the tests of instability, where many of her other friends could not stand those tests, some of them are mutual friends. She has been on a downward spiral for the last couple of years, which breaks my heart. She confides in me more than anyone else including her family. I have spoke with her parents, and they, for what they do know, see the element of danger. My goal is to at least get her out of harms way. I am confused by the fact that she re-kindled our friendship, considering how very bad our last conversation went. It did take me around 3 years to initially gain the level of trust for her to open up to me. Her child hood was rough, and it shows now. since we came back together, I have noticed great improvement in area's needed. On the same note, she is just a shell of her former self. This is where I'm confused. Why or what would cause someone to re-kindle a friendship to which the last 8 months of it was extremely rocky, with a nasty blow out to bring it to a end? I'm usually very level headed, except when it comes to her. I have the problem of letting go of someone, especially when I've never felt so strongly for anyone else. I've always known where I stood, and yet I still became consumed by her. The problem is, if there is a such thing as soul mates, she would be mine. Trust me, I know I'm a idiot.

[cixelsiD]

One more thing. If I was to walk away. how do I explain why to her, when she's done nothing wrong to deserve it. Obviously sparing her feelings and my own are of great concern to me. I know I have had to endure a great many conversations that were difficult to hear and talk about. Plus the fact that I've had to play it off like it doesn't bother me as much as it does in order to be the friend she needs me to be. Ultimately, I don't want to make bad moves, especially for selfish reasons.

[catfeeder]

One more thing. If I was to walk away. how do I explain why to her, when she's done nothing wrong to deserve it. Obviously sparing her feelings and my own are of great concern to me. I know I have had to endure a great many conversations that were difficult to hear and talk about. Plus the fact that I've had to play it off like it doesn't bother me as much as it does in order to be the friend she needs me to be. Ultimately, I don't want to make bad moves, especially for selfish reasons.

 

You haven't 'had to' do any of this. You've chosen to. If you can't have the girl in your life as your lover, you're willing to settle for playing therapist. What you don't realize is that you're enabling her to vent and feel better, while you feel worse, and nothing changes. You're not helping the girl out of this, you're 'helping' her to embed herself in it.

 

You've made this girl into your private project and that's where you're focused. Nothing we can say can change that for you.

 

I would tell the girl she knows how to reach you if she ever leaves abuser-guy for good and wants a romantic relationships with you. Make up a code word she can say if she ever needs you to call the police for her, but short of that, tell her she needs to decide on her own how to live her life. Then move on with yours.

[pl3asehelp]

You've told her how you feel and she clearly does not feel the same way. I hate to be so negative here, but you're really wasting your life keeping her in the picture. I think you'd be best to just tell her that she didn't do anything wrong, but that you can't continue to have the close relationship that you do because it's hurting you and keeping you from moving forward with your life. Let her make her own mistakes with this crappy boyfriend, you should be thinking about yourself first in this situation. It's more her real friends (the ones not interested in dating her) and families role to help her now - you just can't be objective here.

[cixelsiD]

I hear you, and what your saying, and your correct. Deep down I've always known, and been aware. I think it's hope more than anything that keeps me tied in. As it stands, I am about to meet up with her shortly, for the same reasons yet again. I am her confidant, and she calls on me in almost all bad times. But we also meet plenty in good times. My difficulty lies in letting go, it's painfully obvious. I'm torn for my loyalty as a friend as well. But I'm not the reason I want her to get out of her relationship, he is. He is potentially dangerous to her safety, but far more concerning, her life. I am not embellishing on her safety, things already said and done on his part is what makes it real to me. It's a guilt I couldn't live with if something did happen that could be prevented. If I was to walk away, I would find great comfort knowing she is at least safe from him. I tend to harbor worries that shouldn't concern me, beyond her, including other's. It's the way I'm built. Maybe it's my friendly face, but people confide in me, and tend to bring me in as a solution, so to speak. I tend to get a guilty conscience when I can't do anything.

[cixelsiD]

You've told her how you feel and she clearly does not feel the same way. I hate to be so negative here, but you're really wasting your life keeping her in the picture. I think you'd be best to just tell her that she didn't do anything wrong, but that you can't continue to have the close relationship that you do because it's hurting you and keeping you from moving forward with your life. Let her make her own mistakes with this crappy boyfriend, you should be thinking about yourself first in this situation. It's more her real friends (the ones not interested in dating her) and families role to help her now - you just can't be objective here.

 

To do this and leave, would require timing. I don't want to hurt her more than she is hurting already. I don't have the heart to, also tough to give up what's been a very good friendship. I know I look like a fool, fully aware of it. The only reason why I haven't paid her boyfriend a visit (unkind one), is because I don't want to be the one hurting her, the same applies to walking away. I'm not an idiot, I know her too well. Walking away at this point in time would become a huge blow to her. It kills me because I do in fact have my own selfish reasoning for sticking around, but also unselfish reasoning too. You are correct that I need to leave her to my past to move on with my life. That's been tearing me apart for a long time. That's the dilemma, what I want, can have, and need to do. Under the circumstances, with the frame of mind she's been in, I feel I will have to ride it out till she's in a better place. She throughout her life has been prone to bouts of depression, associated with high anxiety. I know that's the wrong reasons to stick around. I also know it looks like thats my excuse to treat her like my special project. When I'm talking her through her problems, my focus has always been for her to try to eliminate negativity from her life. I've been there myself and I know how hard it can get, I was able to overcome it. All I've been doing is to try to set the path out in front of her. Hoping that she can walk into a better state of mind. I don't know, maybe I'm fooling myself there as well, time will tell. I thank everyone who has lent a helping hand, including yourself, it's all been very insightful.

[Anotherday]

You sound like a great guy, but I have to agree with the others that you are providing her with a sounding board for this lousy relationship which just means she gets to blow off steam and stay in it. There is absolutely nothing you can do to get her to see the light. She has to see it herself. I have been in my own abusive relationship so I know of what I speak. It took me four years to really realize what I was dealing with and even though he was a creep and an abuser, he is STILL the only one I would want to be with - if only he could change. See, this is most likely the thinking going on in her mind.

 

In all of this, you are just going to get older and waste more years of your life unless you walk away. It's fine to tell her that when and if she leaves him maybe the two of you can continue to be friends. In the meantime, give her the phone number to the Nat'l Domestic Violence hotline along with some names and numbers of shelters in the area. She really has to fix this one on her own. You need to take care of you and find someone who can reciprocate your love.

[cixelsiD]

You are so correct it's not even funny. As it stands I happened to be the shoulder for her to lean on again yesterday, may 9. I have a pretty good understanding of how peoples patterns and cycles work, even on the abusive end. But maybe you can help me to get a better understanding, since you've been in the abusive relationship. May I ask, if it's not to touchy of a subject. What is the attraction to the abusive a**hole sort? Why, even though you (generally speaking, many women around the country), being fully aware that it's an abusive relationship. Why do women keep going back to the abuser? I have been what is considered a nice guy all my life. And I have paid the price of it, always making a better friend than a love interest. What gets me is, I don't serve people hand and foot, thats not how it works. I don't take anyones crap, I do stand up for what I believe in. Not only that, but I simply treat others the same way as I like to be treated, with respect. This is where it gets my goat. Why is it that the "nice guy" consistently shoved aside for the guy who's the jerk? I have heard it's because of the whole "he can protect me" thing. Lets put it this way, I have seen time and time again, my girl friends go after a guy who's a jerk. Then they seem to think that the person their with will treat them good. Then when they come to realize that the jerk they have stated dating is also a jerk to them. But yet they keep thinking the jerk will change, not treat them badly, even though they do. Then of course they become unhappy with their relationship, but still convince themselves that their boyfriend will change. Also, another one that's all to familiar to me is, the girls tell me. "I don't want to break up with him, and he straightens himself out for the next girlfriend." Unlike what everyones seen with my posts, I am pretty reserved. Allot of what I've posted is only because I can do it anonymously, this stuff I usually keep to myself. I generally sit back and watch people and their patterns. One thing I have learned is people don't change unless they want to, and certainly not for someone else. It usually take them to hit rock bottom, or something drastic has to happen. Why is it, that I have always treated people with respect, and yet I have been penalized for it my entire life? Why is being a "nice guy" only keeps me single? Why it being a "nice guy" such a bad thing, and yet being a jerk a good thing till they realize that they get the results of someone who's a jerk. But yet kick the cycle off again, resulting in the demise of yet another relationship? I honestly can't understand it. What is so attractive about someone who treats you badly? Why would someone like myself end up going through life being penalized, and remain single for most of it, just because I treat people the same way I like to be treated? Needless to say, I have had an eye opener the last time I saw her, which may actually help me to let go. For allot of years I've clinged to hope, obvious waste of time. I'm asking you for feedback from the female who's been there's perspective. I'm tired of always making a better friend, because I'm a"nice guy". Could you please help me to understand a little more?

[Anotherday]

Most likely we have very low self esteem and a fear of intimacy. The jerk allows us to believe we are "trying" without really trying. Does this make sense?

 

To this day, he is the only one I want. And a wise man who was interested in me would WALK AWAY!

 

Seriously, some of "us" are not to be reached, due to having been so screwed up in life. For your own sake, walk away.

 

And just so you know, I FINALLY walked away. Yet I want no one else. You may well fall into that category for her.