Settling or Shooting Down Inflated Expectations. Do we know the difference?

[Mauxly]

Dan Savage has in interesting column out today.

 

Here is an excerpt that got me to thinking:

 

"The way many people in long-term relationships talk about their relationships—the way I sometimes talk about mine—can do a real disservice to the single and/or dating. The further the early stages of an LTR recede into the past, the likelier the coupled are to blithely toss off bullsxxx like "Oh, I knew the minute I met him/her that he/she was the one. I was sure." In reality, of course, we didn't know, we weren't sure, we had doubts, insecurities, issues, etc. Truth is, no one in a successful LTR knew for sure that it was true and lasting love until it lasted. And after the passage of time proves that we bet on the right person, we stuff those early doubts, insecurities, and issues down the ol' memory hole and start telling people how "sure" we were right from the start. (For the record: There are lots of smug married people out there yammering on about how "sure" they were right from the start who have divorce proceedings in their future.)

 

There are too many smugly coupled-up people out there paying our partners—and ourselves—the false compliment of a backdated certainty. And that would be fine if single people within earshot weren't forced to listen to our smug bull * * * * , some of whom go home thinking, "Well, this person I'm seeing—this person I enjoy spending time with, this person I miss terribly when we're apart—she must not be 'the one' because... I'm not sure."

 

You can read the rest here:

link removed

 

You know? When I look back at the few absolutely wonderful long term relationships that I had, I remember thinking at first that it was bound to just be a fling. Sure he was hot, sure he was fun, but he wasn’t motivated enough, or smart enough…this is just what it is for now. Sure enough I wound up falling head over heels with time.

 

And I have to wonder how much self sabotage, how many awesome people we let go because we analyzed them right out the door.

[WomanWriter]

I think you make good points here, but I also think that we do fall for certain people more quickly than others. The day I met my ex fiance, I wrote 'Today I met the man I'm going to marry." That was only from observing him interact with children. Then we became friends and were together in a relationship for 7 years...so, I did feel like I "knew" he was someone special or loved him from day 1. On the other hand, there are people I didn't like at first for whatever reason, got to know them and my opinion changed...only to find out in the end, I was right all along.

 

Sometimes our intuition is better than we want to admit. I have to say that mine has been pretty spot on, but the trouble was I didn't want to listen because I wanted to be open-minded.

[DanDee]

Interesting article. But I just think that there's having doubts and then there's sheer incompatablilty - something you learn further in. Sure, these married couples probably did had doubts in the early stages of their relationships but not on a big enough scale to end them.

[Firiel]

I agree with this article wholeheartedly as I have felt the full force of the "just knowing" anxiety. Pretty soon after I met my fiance and right after we started dating, I knew he was amazing. I knew he was special. But I heard so much BS about "just knowing" when the person is "the One" that I hesitated a lot when making my decision to marry him. It wasn't until I looked back objectively at the relationships I've witnessed and/or heard about and realized that my mom wasn't sure, my sister wasn't sure, etc. that I finally was able to make my decision instead of trying to force my "gut" to make the decision for me.

 

I've already made my decision to never tell anyone that I "just knew." I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

[Batya33]

I agree too - what a great article!

[arcadefire]

That is interesting. In some of my earlier relationships, I think I severely sabotaged myself by making myself believe that the guy I was dating at that time was the one. I purposely blinded myself to just want to find the one so badly that I overlooked all flaws.

[newwave]

That is interesting. In some of my earlier relationships, I think I severely sabotaged myself by making myself believe that the guy I was dating at that time was the one. I purposely blinded myself to just want to find the one so badly that I overlooked all flaws.

 

I do this. The last guy that I really wanted (still want actually) has red flags galore. So much so that people in my real life and even people here (who don't know him) saw the red flags. Yet because I wanted him so bad I overlooked the red flags, and they are huge ones to begin with. People always tell me that the "one" won't have red flags at all.

[dr_styles]

I put the "just knew" stuff into the same junk pile as "it will happen when you least expect it" - stuff that just makes for a romantic story, typically from people in a relationship who have nothing to worry about