I am so upset at my ex for emailing me after I have been NC for 18 days. Big Setback

[Live-N-Learn]

I have posted my story in other threads but the short version is she broke up with me in Jan. Never totally went away, played games for 3 months and finally I had enough and told her nicely that it was over and I was moving on and so should she. Today I believe is 18 days of NC for me and I was doing much better.

 

I went to bday party of a friend last night with a date and we always rent a trolley bus and go bar hopping. Well I show up with my date to the trolley and my friend tells me my ex will be coming with a date. That he saw her last night and his friend invited her, and she asked if I was coming. They said they did now know if I would be there or not.

 

As you can imagine my heart started pounding in my chest. It really kinda messed with me for awhile. Well she ended up not coming (thank God)! But it stirred up a bunch of emotions in me that really hit me this morning.

 

When I wrote me ex the goodbye email she asked in her reply if she could come by and pick up her sons toy or if I would drop it off at her work. I told her I would mail it. I did and she got it 10 days ago. Well around 11am today I get an email from her, first one in 18 days. Neither of us has broke NC til today. It says.

 

Scott,

 

"Hey, i know im not supossed to be messaging you, but i forgot to thank you for mailing tristens toy, he was very excited. Thank you for that."

 

I almost lost it, I was so pissed she would cross the line and care so little for my feelings to write me this email. Don't get me wrong it's not the email that has me so mad it's the fact that she got the toy 10 days ago and could have sent a thank you anytime. She sends it the day after the party she knew I was attending , and she was not attending most likely because she thought I would be there.

 

Well a lot of our mutual friends saw my date and I having a blast! She is beautiful, fun and everything I could want in a lady. I think one of our friends told her today about my date last night and that she really is just making an excuse to to say thank you now to see where she stands.

 

I think she is fishing to see if I will take the bait cuz she thinks she might be losing her backup for good. How selfish! She could care less how much it hurts me and sets me back to have almost seen her last night with a date while I was on a date. And then getting her text today.

 

Am I losing my mind and reading too much into this? Bad day today I really miss her and hate her at the same time.

 

I don't plan to respond. Right decision?

[petite]

Oh Scott, I'm sorry this has happened after 18 days of NC. I know how hard it was for you be in NC.

Try and not read too much into it and just continue NC from your side.

 

I don't know why she emailed you, perhaps she thought it would be polite of her to thank you. Doesn't seem like there is anything else to it.

[Live-N-Learn]

It really set me back to hear from her. I know she did a lot of bad things to me but I have not fully let go, not even close. I am trying so hard to get over her. I find myself wanting to reply to her text and tell her she is welcome. I hate how I am feeling today. I was really doing good til last night. I have all these feelings about her again. It's like right now I really want her back and am not thinking clearly. My emotions are telling me you should email her so she doesn't get mad at you. This way she will keep reaching out.

 

Damn it! I can't even take her back cuz she lied, cheated and messed with my head for 3 months. Make this go away!

[RockyRaccoon]

It really set me back to hear from her. I know she did a lot of bad things to me but I have not fully let go, not even close. I am trying so hard to get over her. I find myself wanting to reply to her text and tell her she is welcome. I hate how I am feeling today. I was really doing good til last night. I have all these feelings about her again. It's like right now I really want her back and am not thinking clearly. My emotions are telling me you should email her so she doesn't get mad at you. This way she will keep reaching out.

 

Damn it! I can't even take her back cuz she lied, cheated and messed with my head for 3 months. Make this go away!

 

Well, i'd look at it like this. I'd be happy if she was mad at me, because that means she would leave me alone like i asked her to. Just delete the email and forget that she ever sent it. She'll get the message. You don't want her reaching out to you, she's just going to play you like she did before. It's good that you KNOW you're not thinking clearly, because that means you can wait until you can think a little more rationally to make a decision. I know it might seem like a big setback right now, but it's really not. It'll set you back for a couple days maybe, but you'll get out of the funk and back to where you were a lot quicker than it originally took.

[JohnTheMan]

Scott6099, i know exactly this process. it is tormenting. to want nothing more in this world than have that person back, but know it is impossible.

 

no matter how obvious or clear... each effort for her to reach me brings it all back. the hope, the feelings that you and she could be again, the fantasy in your head. i dont think they fully understand what it does to us.

 

all we want is to have what we lost, all they want is to move on and have you when they feel like it. its makes me wonder why

[ElectricSheep123]

I'm sorry that this has set you back. But there are two important points that I want to make:

 

1. Why on earth did you open the e-mail? It's understandable that you'd be curious or nervous, but next time you need to delete it immediately. This is why you not only need to break contact, but also need to cut off the channels until you are emotionally stable enough to handle messages from her (even if you decide to not respond). In other words, block her e-mail, her phone # and her facebook for now. In instances where any contact from her sends you into an emotional setback like this, you need to make sure there are no opportunities for her messages to get to you.

A few months from now, when you can handle her messages (even if you don't want to respond), that is when you can unblock her. It's for your own good.

 

I'm sure you know the story with my ex. He cheated on me three times with his ex, and had the audacity to suggest that he wants to be friends right after I dumped him. I blocked his fb, his e-mail, changed my number etc. I know he's been e-mailing me, but because I can't see them, I'm not rattled by them. He's called my house a number of times, once 6 times in a row, until I had to take the phone off the hook. That affected me, but at least I didn't answer it.

 

So cut if off and mean it! Be firm. Don't just tell her not to contact you. Nip it in the bud.

 

2. NC has not been broken. It takes 1 person to employ it, and as long as you don't respond, then you are still right on track. Emotionally, it is a setback, but your ex is still getting the message: you do not care enough, or don't feel compelled to answer her e-mail because you have moved on.

 

Hope you heal and move on from this. It's great to know you're having fun with a new girl.

[ElectricSheep123]

It really set me back to hear from her. I know she did a lot of bad things to me but I have not fully let go, not even close. I am trying so hard to get over her. I find myself wanting to reply to her text and tell her she is welcome. I hate how I am feeling today. I was really doing good til last night. I have all these feelings about her again. It's like right now I really want her back and am not thinking clearly. My emotions are telling me you should email her so she doesn't get mad at you. This way she will keep reaching out.

 

Damn it! I can't even take her back cuz she lied, cheated and messed with my head for 3 months. Make this go away!

 

I know it's hard. I'm there right now. I keep picturing my ex with his exgf. It hurts so much. When we were together, everything seemed perfect. The touch, the way they look in your eyes. Everything. I have a song that sums up everything I'm feeling after my breakup:

 

And I just wanna hold you, touch you,

Feel you, be near you

I miss you baby, baby, baby

I'm tired of tryin' to fake through

But there's nothing I can do

Oh, I can't wait to hate you

 

I can't wait to hate you

Make you pain like I do

Still can't shake you off

I can't wait to break through these emotional changes

Seems like such a lost cause

I can't wait to face you, break you down

So low, there's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you, baby

 

I'd listen to the lyrics to this song and cry. I played it 600 times in the 3 days after I dumped him.

 

Now I'm better. I adopted a personal mantra:

"We are responsible for our own happiness."

 

And even though it's such a simple line, it's helped me soo much. Because I don't need him to make me feel happy or complete. I was a whole person before him.

And you were too. She's gone now. But you can choose to pine for her. Or you can realize that you aren't going to feel better until you realize that she's gone, and realize that if you want to be happy, you need make it happen for yourself. She can't do that for you.

[rapunzel]

Hey Scott -

 

I still overanalyze and read into things my ex says and does and it's been a year and a half. We work together so this is why NC is a good thing.

 

She might be fishing, she might be trying to keep you hooked by emailing you, she might be feeling jealous OR she might just be trying to be polite. She may not even know the reason she decided to email you THEN to thank you. Our exes are people too, ya know?

 

My ex has often emailed me thanking me for things I have done for our music group. Since I know I'm going to see him, I have often not replied as it seemed unnecessary and would just set me up, hoping again for a response. Last week I was slightly injured at a rehearsal (I won't go into the details) and he emailed me the next day to make sure I was OK. It made me wonder what he was up to but he was just being a nice guy. I wrote back thanking him for his concern, he wrote back to me and that was it. I did not respond to his second email.

 

I think it's fine if you ignore. If you wanted to write back with a "you're welcome, good luck" or "take care" that would be fine too but you'd have to not THEN start projecting that it might open up some kind of dialogue between you two. It's just a polite and adult thing to do to say "you're welcome" as long as you don't have any hope that it will lead to her wanting you back.

[RobD70]

My emotions are telling me you should email her so she doesn't get mad at you.

Always do the opposite of what you feel. Our emotions like to sabotage us.

 

This way she will keep reaching out.

Ignoring her won't stop her, if anything it may make her try harder to get your attention.

 

Don't respond, it will look like you are blowing her off and don't care too much about her anymore which give you the power back. Believe me, her hearing about your date has affected her probably a lot more than you realize. You did a good thing I think so just try to keep your head together and stay silent. My guess is you haven't heard the last of her.

 

The chic you took out sounds like a catch. Hopefully she'll help you detach from your ex to the point where you really won't care about her anymore.

[Live-N-Learn]

I think it's fine if you ignore. If you wanted to write back with a "you're welcome, good luck" or "take care" that would be fine too but you'd have to not THEN start projecting that it might open up some kind of dialogue between you two. It's just a polite and adult thing to do to say "you're welcome" as long as you don't have any hope that it will lead to her wanting you back.

 

I thought about this and decided against many people's advice and maybe my own to write her back and tell her she is welcome. I have been very polite and went NC with her with a very nice but firm it's over and I am moving on email 18 days ago. I really don't feel the need to play games and ignore her email saying thank you for sending her son his toy. I am not trying to win her back. I waited a day and did not say anything in my response that would make her feel I was still around pining for her. I do not feel I have lost any of my power by responding but showed I was mature and confident.

 

I accept that it is over and will now just keep moving on as if it never happened. It was probably no big deal and she was just saying thank you. I really do not hate her but I would never take her back so no big deal.

 

I was able to send it with no expectations of ever hearing from her again but feel like I allowed myself to stay on the high road by being an adult and mature by responding. I know it took a lot for her to send the email so there is no reason for me to be rude,

 

Back to day 1 of NC

[Little lady]

I know how you feel it must be something with 18 days that make our ex's contact us. My ex and I broke up and we were NC for that amount and then she sent me a message along the lines of "I went on a walk, I thought you of, I saw this, and you always thought that was good luck so I will go with that, Hope you are doing well" I decided not to respond right away but I ended up responding 3 days later. That's when it took me to her status update page where I found out she has a new boyfriend! Whoah! Wish I would've never replied, but then again finding out has helped me to move on MUCH MUCH faster. So I'm back on day 5 of NC and hope it stays this way for awhile. I'm still hurt but I'm moving on and more and more I'm realizing I would never let her back in my life to set me up to let her hurt me again.

 

So it's a good thing that you responded, maybe she will write back maybe not. But since in your head you do not have hope of reconciling then no biggy, right? I hope the best to you, and like everyone else in the world who's had their heart broken, we will move on. We will get through this.

[Live-N-Learn]

So it's a good thing that you responded, maybe she will write back maybe not. But since in your head you do not have hope of reconciling then no biggy, right? I hope the best to you, and like everyone else in the world who's had their heart broken, we will move on. We will get through this.

 

agreed, no biggie.Thats funny 18 days for you too. I do not hold onto any hope of us getting back together nor would I be able to take her back so it really is not big deal and it shows I am a mature person that is not playing games. I know I will always in my heart feel better that I responded since her email was nothing more that saying thank you. she did not say she missed me or anything like that so it was no big deal to respond. Moving on now and feeling ok about telling her she was welcome.