Need insight

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

Ok so I know I posted a thread about how i wanted to forget my ex but some stuff has happened lately and I just dont know what to make of it.... I tried being independent and all and it was working, she seemed to be chasing me a bit. Then last week she didnt talk to me for 4 days... so I called her and asked her what was up with that. I told her that I needed answers and that it was up to her .... either she still feels something for me, or she doesnt and I go complete NC for good.... Once again she couldnt give me a straight answer, so it turned into an argument... we finally hung up so I texted her this: Listen, i cant go on in this uncertainty, tonight after the club call me if you still have feelings for me... if you dont call I'll understand and you wont hear from me again... I care so much about you but I cant stay in limbo like this. Well she decided to call me before going to the club and asked me to go have ice cream, so I did and it was great we laughed and had a good time... then later during the night she asked me to come see her at the club where she works... I told her I couldnt and went to bed... she then proceeded to call me after work but i was sleeping so the conversation was very short.... when I asked her why she called she told me that I had asked her... so she obviously missed the point or is just protecting her ego as usual. I truly dont know what to make of this though, I dont want to be in this state of limbo because I still dont feel like I got an answer but i dont wanna ruin things... so should I ask her again once and for all? I was thinking about waiting a couple days and asking her if the fact that she called me was a sign.... She doesnt like to give herself away so it makes the whole process really confusing... Anybody know what i should do or what to make of this?

[dumped]

I would relax and give it some time and don't pressure her because if you do get back together shes gonna be like "oh, we're back together, is this the right decision?". It going to create tension and you don't want that.

 

You should try to create some excitement when you two meet up..so she wants to see you again. Because she has a good time with you. Stuff like that. Not "here comes that conversation again."

[TheJerseyKid]

I know its hard, but I feel like the bigger of a deal you make of the situation, the less likely it is to go your way. I know what its like to be strung along, believe me, but you're also making yourself very easy to read, and probably coming accross as a bit needy/clingy. All 3 of those factors are working against you. The key is to not just act, but being able to be at peace with the situation if say things don't work out. You know how when you meet someone new, and lets say you like them a bit, and you hope things work out. Now maybe you've been on a date or two, and things went well, but you realize this whole situation can end even faster than it started. If a girl didn't call you for 4 days, or was slightly on the fence about something, would you really push her for an answer? The answer is probably not, because then you'd come accross as demanding and probably a little psychotic. Most guys would have (or should have) the attitude that if it works out, great, if not, your life keeps going and on to the next one. I've found that when in the "limbo" state as you call it with my ex's, whenever it was clear I wanted to get back together, it never happened (well once, but weird circumstance). It's always been when I've finally and truly let go, and feel and act like "either you roll with me or you don't, either way I'll be fine" that always made my ex's want to come back.

[misssmithviii]

First thing, you're not truly over her and independent of her if you're saying "it was working, she seemed to be chasing me..."

 

The problem is you're still in a relationship with her, but she's not in a relationship with you. And until you truly get over her and are fine with your own life apart from her, you'll be stuck in this limbo.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

First thing, you're not truly over her and independent of her if you're saying "it was working, she seemed to be chasing me..."

 

The problem is you're still in a relationship with her, but she's not in a relationship with you. And until you truly get over her and are fine with your own life apart from her, you'll be stuck in this limbo.

 

we were in complete NC for 5 months and have been broken up for over 7 months.... Im over the old relationship but I still do have some pretty strong feelings for her...

[TheJerseyKid]

First thing, you're not truly over her and independent of her if you're saying "it was working, she seemed to be chasing me..."

 

The problem is you're still in a relationship with her, but she's not in a relationship with you. And until you truly get over her and are fine with your own life apart from her, you'll be stuck in this limbo.

 

Kind of the message I was trying to convey, but much better stated. Props.

[TheJerseyKid]

After 5 months of NC, I think your best bet would be to treat the situation as if this is someone totally new, regardless of how strongly you feel (I know, easier said than done.) Before you do anything, ask yourself, "Would I do this with a completely new person?" if you can't HONESTLY say yes, then it means you are still treating her like "your ex" and not a completely new situation.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

After 5 months of NC, I think your best bet would be to treat the situation as if this is someone totally new, regardless of how strongly you feel (I know, easier said than done.) Before you do anything, ask yourself, "Would I do this with a completely new person?" if you can't HONESTLY say yes, then it means you are still treating her like "your ex" and not a completely new situation.

 

I know I should be doing that but its practically impossible for me... I mean I need to at least know that the possibility is there... I dont wanna be around if she decides to start dating someone else... I can handle not having her in my life If i cant be with her again... but there is no way im gonna stay in between... its all or nothing

[misssmithviii]

Just because things are difficult or out of your comfort zone doesn't mean they're impossible or "practically impossible".

 

She's not giving you her all, but you're putting more effort into this than she even cares.

If you want to say it's practically impossible for you to move on or whatever, then it is impossible for you and unfortunately you will stay stuck. Sorry but I feel like after 5 months you should be over the chick.

[TheJerseyKid]

I know I should be doing that but its practically impossible for me... I mean I need to at least know that the possibility is there... I dont wanna be around if she decides to start dating someone else... I can handle not having her in my life If i cant be with her again... but there is no way im gonna stay in between... its all or nothing

 

Then really its up to you to make a decision

A) Cut your losses, cut her off, and move on for good. Always wonder if things could have worked out, but never have to worry about being hurt.

B) Treat it as a completely new situation with a new person. Take it slow and see how things go day by day. You didn't fall in love with your ex in one day, you won't get back together in one day. If you feel like you can't deal with her one day possibly deciding she doesn't want to be involved romantically with you (which it appears, at least now) then you might want to go with option A to save yourself the heartache.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

Then really its up to you to make a decision

A) Cut your losses, cut her off, and move on for good. Always wonder if things could have worked out, but never have to worry about being hurt.

B) Treat it as a completely new situation with a new person. Take it slow and see how things go day by day. You didn't fall in love with your ex in one day, you won't get back together in one day. If you feel like you can't deal with her one day possibly deciding she doesn't want to be involved romantically with you (which it appears, at least now) then you might want to go with option A to save yourself the heartache.

Im not dreaming though am I ? I mean she is giving me signs... I know I should just take it easy but thats not really in my nature.... Ill try though but obviously I would rather hear her say that she still has feelings for me. Anyway its worth a shot, thanks for the insight!

[TheJerseyKid]

She is giving you signs, I won't argue that. But the key thing to remember is it doesn't always mean they want to get back together. It's also possible that she does, its a sticky situation, as this is tough. Also consider, do you want to be with a person who is not going to be open and honest with you? It also may be hard for her to open up, since she herself might not want to put too much of her self out there and make her vulnerable. Whatever the situation or the reasons are, I am not certain. One thing I am certain of is that putting pressure on the situation is only going to make it crumble... fast.

[Tigerfan]

She's not giving you a "sign". She doesn't want a relationship with you right now. That much is obvious. If she did, you'd KNOW it, and not be in limbo. I believe there is a very strong likelihood that she want's to keep you around as a back up plan in case things don't work out with whatever new guy is in her life now. And I'd be willing to bet that there is a new guy.

 

You are making yourself so available to her and everytime you ask her for answers, you are making it less likely she will renew the relationship with you. Why? Because girls (and guys) simply don't want a needy person. She knows she can come back to you anytime she wants, so it makes it easy for her to explore the "new guy" and have you waiting in the wings "just in case". When you start to wise up and indicate to her you are moving on, then she gives you a "sign", which is nothing more than her keeping you in the picture. So she throws you a few crumbs and you keep eating them up and thinking she wants to get back together with you. UNfortunately, she doesn't. That much is very clear right now.

 

The best thing you can do is leave her alone. Don't ask her any questions. Don't have any serious talks with her. She is not interested right now. And what you are doing right now is keeping her not interested.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

Most of what you wrote makes sense and i know that she is stringing me along but youd be losing your bet because i know for a fact there isnt another guy in the picture. Actially the main reason why she doesnt wanna jump into anything is because she is very busy.... She just started a modeling agency shes got an internship at a radio station all whilr shes in college... She made a point of telling me that she wasnt even casually seeing any other guy than me. The thing that confuses me the most is everytime im ready to call it quits she asks me out to lunch or for coffee.... So now ive decided to go Nc again but i have no idea as to how i should react when she calls or if she asks me out again..

[Brownstone322]

.... Once again she couldnt give me a straight answer, so it turned into an argument... we finally hung up so I texted her this: Listen, i cant go on in this uncertainty, tonight after the club call me if you still have feelings for me... if you dont call I'll understand and you wont hear from me again... I care so much about you but I cant stay in limbo like this.

The only thing keeping you in limbo is you. Walk away already. Then and only then will you find out whether she cares or not.

 

Your incessant, whiney pursuit of her must be an awful turn-off. Why can't you see that by now?

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

Everytime i walk away she calls me as if nothing happened or asks me out for coffee which seems to be enough for me to get hooked again....what am i supposed to do when she calls me or asks me out? I dont wanna seem bitter or angry

[Brownstone322]

Everytime i walk away she calls me as if nothing happened or asks me out for coffee which seems to be enough for me to get hooked again....what am i supposed to do when she calls me or asks me out? I dont wanna seem bitter or angry

"No thanks" might work wonders.

[jimmajam]

"No thanks" might work wonders.

 

I seem to always be agreeing with Brownstone and this is no exception.

 

As I said in another thread, you never really let go of her. She has had you the whole way, even through no contact. Now that you are back in contact, nothing has changed. You seem to be way more involved than she is right now. You try to give her an ultimatum, she twists the rules by calling you before she goes out to the club ... then the original ultimatum is forgotten. She keeps doing just enough to keep you in limbo ... which you just told her you couldn't do. Is she giving you signs? Is she just messing with you? Who knows. What we do know is that she isn't ready to give up for whatever reason, but you're not getting anywhere.

 

You really need to make a decision and stick with it. That's not bitter, angry, spiteful ... that's respectful to yourself and her.

[Tired Tiger]

You are making yourself so available to her and everytime you ask her for answers, you are making it less likely she will renew the relationship with you. Why? Because girls (and guys) simply don't want a needy person...

 

The best thing you can do is leave her alone. Don't ask her any questions. Don't have any serious talks with her. She is not interested right now. And what you are doing right now is keeping her not interested.

 

^^^ This.

 

There's a 'push-pull' dynamic that occurs in these tenuous situations. Your state of mind is (and always has been) on the push end of that spectrum. It's actually surprising you're still getting the interaction you do. Keep pushing and you'll see that vanish. You need to start pulling. You do that by becoming less available (subtly). You don't have to be rude or mean about it, just remove that eagerness.

 

That being said, I believe you have the fact that you never actually 'let go' working against you. No, 5 months of "NC" doesn't equal letting go - especially if you only used that time to carry the torch...