Have you hooked up or slept with anyone else after your break-up?

[abigheart]

Has anyone here jumped to sleeping with someone (be it stranger or not) after their break-up with their ex? How long after the break-up did you do so? How did you feel afterward? I would like to hear that I'm not alone...

 

Even after posting a thread yesterday in this same forum - and receiving great support from fellow ENA users, I still feel like absolute sh*t and am in so much pain.

 

I can't stop thinking about why I chose to do so when I committed myself to not dating anyone, let alone sleeping with someone (it's just really "out of my nature" to sleep with someone who is NOT my bf) after my break-up with my ex. It's been a little more than 2 months, but I still have huge feelings for him.

 

I literally feel like I'm back at square one. I was doing generally pretty okay before this weekend but now, if I ever see my ex, I'm going to break down because he would never do this to me post-break up (I know for sure).

[CampingOnEarth]

Sounds like you are hurting a lot and probably just trying wildly to cover up that pain. Don't hate yourself for being human and hurting and making mistakes. Try to be a good friend....to yourself! Treat yourself with compassion and get your hugs in a safe situation not from random strangers. That is so risky and you know it. Just take this one day at a time and seek support in advance. Maybe make a 30 day plan of action that involves good things to do (exercise! visit good friends! activities that feed your growth not just cover up pain). Act AS IF you are feeling better and you will begin to actually feel better. I leaned on God, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through things without the love and guidance that I got from reading scripture. Open your heart to cleansing, healing, and the endless possibilities ahead. Look for the good (even if it's just a tiny bit of it) in everything. This too shall pass.

[abigheart]

I am trying to do so as well, but I honestly feel almost as if the break-up doesn't even pale in comparison to this regret I'm feeling right now because this was all MY own doing, not my ex's, no one's. I made this conscious decision to do so, and I don't know what to do now. I just dug a bigger hole and can't stop crying.

[rtyre2]

Yeah I have, and I did it the same time I knew my ex was doing it.. 2 weeks after the break-up and it didn't fix or make me feel ANY better but actually take a few step backwards. I don't suggest it to people who actually cared about their ex.. the ones who are able to rebound just don't have any standards or really didn't care as much as they thought they did. All it did was cause me to think of her more.

[hexaemeron]

After my last official breakup with my last ex, I had 4 dates scheduled for the first four days after the breakup. Honestly, I was ecstatic. I would have turned cartwheels if I could have.

[abigheart]

I don't suggest it to people who actually cared about their ex.. the ones who are able to rebound just don't have any standards or really didn't care as much as they thought they did.

 

I'm sorry but that just makes me feel doubly lousy...

 

I do HAVE standards. I don't know what possessed me to go ahead and sleep with someone when I still care about my ex SO f*cking much. I disrespected my own morals and values, AND disrespected him, too even if we are no longer together. Maybe i wanted company or attention, I don't know but goddamn I feel like I've taken so many steps back now...

[jellysandwich]

Hmm.... Interesting post. I am on the other side; I found out my ex hooked up with a guy days after. When I brought it up, she was just like, "Whatever. That's who I am. We were broken up anyway". Well, I'd like to think that she cares for me, but I don't really know at this point nor do I care to dwell on it.

 

(I had to bring it up because we planned a trip, and this crap just makes things awkward))

[hexaemeron]

Yeah I have, and I did it the same time I knew my ex was doing it.. 2 weeks after the break-up and it didn't fix or make me feel ANY better but actually take a few step backwards. I don't suggest it to people who actually cared about their ex.. the ones who are able to rebound just don't have any standards or really didn't care as much as they thought they did. All it did was cause me to think of her more.

 

Just because you feel one way doesn't make someone else who feels differently any less valid. There's a lot of judgment coming from your post.

[restingpieces]

While I haven't, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I think what hurts most people if they haven't completely healed is the realization afterward that if they could bring themselves to hook up/have sex, their ex probably could/is, too.

 

But, hey, that's life. Your ex is single. You're single. Hooking up and sex are a part of that package.

[newwave]

Sometimes sex is needed to heal the hurt. Right now I have a FWB and though we haven't done much I intend too (I did watch him have sex with a mutual guyfriend since both are bi, I am not.). In fact casual sex is going to part of my life since I likely won't find anyone again (and I am ok with this). I refuse to be celibate the rest of my life since sex is needed like food.

[OccultFigurine]

I'm sorry but that just makes me feel doubly lousy...

 

I do HAVE standards. I don't know what possessed me to go ahead and sleep with someone when I still care about my ex SO f*cking much. I disrespected my own morals and values, AND disrespected him, too even if we are no longer together. Maybe i wanted company or attention, I don't know but goddamn I feel like I've taken so many steps back now...

 

Of course you have standards. The very fact that you are feeling bad right now and *know* that this is not something that you do is testament to this.

 

Some of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life have been made when I'm coming from a place of deep hurt...it doesn't excuse it, but when you understand your reasons, it makes it easier not to make that mistake again.

 

All you can do is recognise that (which you are) and pick yourself back up and get back on track to getting over this. xxxx

[abigheart]

While I haven't, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I think what hurts most people if they haven't completely healed is the realization afterward that if they could bring themselves to hook up/have sex, their ex probably could/is, too.

 

But, hey, that's life. Your ex is single. You're single. Hooking up and sex are a part of that package.

 

I disagree with this. My regrets/realization have NOTHING to do with the possibility that my ex can also hook up with or have sex with someone else. I think everyone is different but for me, my ex is a really respectful person who would never do anything with anyone unless they were together.

 

I am hurting from my poor decision, all my morals and values went out the window this weekend. And in fact, if I heard that my ex was sleeping with someone else, it would hurt but not hurt as much as the pain I'm feeling now. Plus, it would help me move on even quicker. MY action has somewhat done the opposite, I'm worse off than I was before.

[Etoile]

You're no longer with your ex - why do you think you have disrespected him?

 

Even though you have broken up, because you have still have such strong feelings for him, did it feel like you were cheating on him?

[FathomFear]

I literally feel like I'm back at square one. I was doing generally pretty okay before this weekend but now, if I ever see my ex, I'm going to break down because he would never do this to me post-break up (I know for sure).

 

Why does it matter? I think the mistake you're making is that you still think you are responsible to each other in this manner. You're not. It's no longer his business who you have relations with, and it's no longer your business who he has relations with. Assuming you're both still friends, you should be happy for each other when moving on--you shouldn't feel guilty for moving on.

[hexaemeron]

I disagree with this. My regrets/realization have NOTHING to do with the possibility that my ex can also hook up with or have sex with someone else. I think everyone is different but for me, my ex is a really respectful person who would never do anything with anyone unless they were together.

 

I am hurting from my poor decision, all my morals and values went out the window this weekend. And in fact, if I heard that my ex was sleeping with someone else, it would hurt but not hurt as much as the pain I'm feeling now. Plus, it would help me move on even quicker. MY action has somewhat done the opposite, I'm worse off than I was before.

 

Why? I don't understand why you're worse now???

[abigheart]

You're no longer with your ex - why do you think you have disrespected him?

 

Even though you have broken up, because you have still have such strong feelings for him, did it feel like you were cheating on him?

 

not really cheating so much but I think I can't stop comparing myself to how he would approach things. He didn't break up with me b/c there was another girl, he just wasn't ready for a long-term r/s right now. So even though he broke up with me, we had a fantastic r/s, and he is such a good person who would not do something like this 2 months after the break-up. I guess I keep thinking about how much he would hurt if he heard I did this.

 

Yes, he broke up with me but we both still care about each other very much, and I still have such strong feelings for him.

 

I feel like I'll never let this one down...

[restingpieces]

Why does it matter? I think the mistake you're making is that you still think you are responsible to each other in this manner. You're not. It's no longer his business who you have relations with, and it's no longer your business who he has relations with. Assuming you're both still friends, you should be happy for each other when moving on--you shouldn't feel guilty for moving on.

 

^ Read this over and over again.

 

If you feel bad about having casual sex when you were obviously not ready to, consider this a lesson learned and don't make the same mistake twice. But you're feeling poorly should have zero to do with someone you aren't with. I know you can't see past that because you still have feelings for him. However, the fact remains the two of you aren't together anymore.

 

Once again, the two of you aren't together anymore.

[abigheart]

Why? I don't understand why you're worse now???

 

Because I went against everything I've said to myself, everything I believed. Yes, he broke up with me, but up until this past weekend, I was confident in myself and doing okay.

 

Now...jesus, I don't know. I just hate that I really hit rock bottom. I'm thinking about what my ex would have done or thought but if I remove him, I still can't believe I did what I did.

 

I mean, hooking up for some people is okay esp. after a break-up when you have no ties to anyone but for me, I'm not even healed yet I went for it anyway.

 

How do I stop beating myself up ugh..

[hexaemeron]

Because I went against everything I've said to myself, everything I believed. Yes, he broke up with me, but up until this past weekend, I was confident in myself and doing okay.

 

Now...jesus, I don't know. I just hate that I really hit rock bottom. I'm thinking about what my ex would have done or thought but if I remove him, I still can't believe I did what I did.

 

I mean, hooking up for some people is okay esp. after a break-up when you have no ties to anyone but for me, I'm not even healed yet I went for it anyway.

 

How do I stop beating myself up ugh..

 

So, welcome to the real world where sometimes we have to adapt and learn and grow from who we were to the people we need to become in order to be happier, more well-rounded adults. I have no idea why you're flipping out on yourself. To listen to you, you'd think you bit off an infant's head or something.

 

You were lonely and you had sex. It's hardly a crime. If it's not for you, that's cool, but seriously, you need to stop beating yourself up. Consider it a positive learning experience, remember it's not for you, and just move on.

 

Doesn't have to be any more or less than that.

[rtyre2]

I wasn't saying your WRONG for having a rebound, but if you feel happy and or great afterwards especially if its really short after the breakup; the feelings you had weren't there in the end meaning you emotionally disconnected a long time ago. Because I stated I REBOUNDED myself; but it only made my situation worse mentally.

[abigheart]

^ Read this over and over again.

 

If you feel bad about having casual sex when you were obviously not ready to, consider this a lesson learned and don't make the same mistake twice. But you're feeling poorly should have zero to do with someone you aren't with. I know you can't see past that because you still have feelings for him. However, the fact remains the two of you aren't together anymore.

 

Once again, the two of you aren't together anymore.

 

The two of us aren't together anymore but we have remained friendly and still run into each other. This is what I'm fearing... In fact, he bought me dinner last week so you can imagine how much worse I feel that it wasn't like I hated the guy or we had a bad fall-out.

[abigheart]

So, welcome to the real world where sometimes we have to adapt and learn and grow from who we were to the people we need to become in order to be happier, more well-rounded adults. I have no idea why you're flipping out on yourself. To listen to you, you'd think you bit off an infant's head or something.

 

You were lonely and you had sex. It's hardly a crime. If it's not for you, that's cool, but seriously, you need to stop beating yourself up. Consider it a positive learning experience, remember it's not for you, and just move on.

 

Doesn't have to be any more or less than that.

 

Haha @ the infant's head bit. yes, I do tend to overreact and be hard on myself. It's something I do want to work on but bah, this hurts.

 

I know it's not for me. I knew it wasn't for me the moment I let it happen

 

Also if you see my comment before this - my ex and I have remained friendly. I know it's not his business to know what I'm doing but I mean, can you blame me? The times we've hung out there still has been that attractive spark between us.

 

I can't even think about facing him anymore. I guess this is an opportunity for me to fully do NC huh? I was intending to do so but kept putting it off. I can't be friends with him, it is much too painful. And with this circumstance I found myself in this weekend, it'll be doubly painfully to see him around.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I had a one night stand, (not proud) about 4 months after my break-up. I was drunk and the guy did take advantage of me IMO.

 

To be honest I just put the whole thing behind me and pretended it never happened... It didn't make me miss my ex anymore than I already did, but it did make me realize that I wasn't ready to see anyone else.

[AutumnBorn]

I've had three lovers since my ex moved out.

 

My former doctor, whom I dated for six months, beginning two months after my ex moved out. He made me feel like a human being again - beautiful, intelligent, sexy.

 

A CEO of a tech firm. Unfortunately, he lives on the opposite coast and travels to the Far East extensively. He made me feel playful and sexy. Lasted about two months.

 

Pipefitter with a degree in theology, most recently. Lasted almost exactly 10 weeks. I broke his heart last week after he got kinky on me during sex and totally flipped me out. (He cut off my air supply.) He made me feel hopeful. He fell fast and hard. (I, however, didn't fall at all. I think I'm emotionally dead.)

 

I think I've healed a little more because of each one of these men. I can't wait for #4.

[Emi85]

abigheart,

 

This may sound a little harsh, but why are you even seeing him after the breakup? You will never heal if you keep 'running' into him. I have been in a similar situation before and I didn't heal until I finally cut him off after being 'friendly' for three months after the break up.

 

Also, as others have mentioned, since you are no longer in a relationship with him, it should not matter to you what he would think about you having sex so soon.

 

If causal sex is not your style, lesson learned. Forgive yourself and move on. We all make mistakes, its human nature.

 

I made the same mistake. A week after my last breakup I slept with somebody else (I also one that would normally not do this). I wasn't comfortable with it and decided not to do it again.

 

You have to forgive yourself, go NC, and move on. Good luck!