What's the decisive factor for you in deciding whether to stay friends with an ex?

[OccultFigurine]

I have recently split up with my ex, and while I have no intention of getting back with him, I sometimes ponder whether we be friends in the future....

 

I guess every ex is different,different situations etc....

 

Heres my ex/friends situation so far

 

First ex....still in contact because of the kids, not really friends (not much in common) but can remain civil for parenting reasons

 

2nd Painful break-up, he NC'd and we dropped out of each others lives, had one or two occasions of contact since ,no hard feelings but not friends either.

 

Husband....I was widowed, so I have no idea what would have happened if we had split. I like to think if that happened we would have been friends (so much in common) but I'll never know on that one

 

current recent ex.... not talking, when he contacts me, its because he wants me back.... I am still really hurt by how he made me feel, and its safe to say that my self-esteem is going to need a lot of healing after this one. I guess though that we got on really well as friends, aside from the relationship, and I wonder if when I'm mended i will be able to forgive and we'll be friends...or if I'll still bear a grudge against him for how he made me feel.

 

So, what makes you decide whether to stay friends or not?

[Cognitive_Canine]

If our relationship was based on friendship. If they were completely respectful to me after the break up. And if they were good for me as friends.

 

A lot of my exes are just guys I'm on good terms with and who I can talk to if we run into each other on the street or at a party. Only a rare few are ones I can still be friends with.

[abitbroken]

Someone you run into or talk to once in a very new moon is not a friend, but an acquaintance. However, if you are thinking about a true friendship and not just a "we're civil when we run into eachother" it is not healthy to pursue a friendship if:

 

1) It hurts you to talk to them. Do you feel sad, broken, or feel your healing is on the backslide when you talk to them or see them? Are there painful memories that are always stirred up inside you?

 

2) Maintenance. If you have to "care for and feed" the friendship in a way that prohibits your chances of meeting someone new, do not remain friends. For example, if it is "work" to maintain a friendship. if you feel obligated to consider their feelings in spending no or spending less time with them in lieu of spending it with someone new.

 

3) Unrequited love. When one person has moved on, but the other has strong feelings or wishes to get back with someone. Then it is not fair to either party.

 

As far as your current ex, I would say do not pursue a friendship. There are too many feelings there right now. It is not always wrong for someone to want someone back, but if there is such a big hurt that happened that is not just a matter of not being compatible but caused a deep bruise, perhaps it is best you are not together. I find that when someone repeatedly hurts someone, it is not a matter of having tried out the relationship and you two just not being a match. They will hurt you as a friend too in most cases.

 

I think that if exes are "friends" the best friendships are with people who one dated for a short time and realized there was no spark, rather than going through the emotional mill with someone and calling a relationship where one merely doesn't have sex as a "friendship"

[OccultFigurine]

Thanks, this is really helpful advice both of you.

 

At the moment the way I feel is that he treated me in a way that you wouldn't treat your worst enemy, and that I would never treat even anybody like that, especially not a partner.

 

But part of me knows that I never stay angry at anyone for any length of time, that he did things because he was weak, and probably not out of malice.

 

But....going on his past history, I guess that any friendship from my side would probably be taken as a sign that I wanted to get back with him. So it would probably end up being unfair on him.

 

Time to cut my losses I guess!

[LoveSoDeep]

3) Unrequited love. When one person has moved on, but the other has strong feelings or wishes to get back with someone. Then it is not fair to either party.

 

@abitbroken

 

This seems to be right on so I have to ask....

 

what if one person wants to get back together and the other person (while they may not be actively seeking reconciliation) is not opposed to getting back together.

[OccultFigurine]

3) Unrequited love. When one person has moved on, but the other has strong feelings or wishes to get back with someone. Then it is not fair to either party.

 

@abitbroken

 

This seems to be right on so I have to ask....

 

what if one person wants to get back together and the other person (while they may not be actively seeking reconciliation) is not opposed to getting back together.

 

How committed is 'not opposed to getting back together'? If you genuinely think that there may be a chance for you and that past issues can be sorted, then I think that it needs to be out in the open.

 

I'm just thinking how awful it would be if you were *considering* getting back together and your ex started seeing someone else!

 

Communication is the key here I think

[lavenderdove]

The world is full of people you can be friends with... why be friends with someone you have so much baggage with, who is problematic enough that you broke up with them? It just doesn't make sense when you should instead choose a close circle of friends who add to your life and don't cause any form of distress.