Very long post. Please read and advise.

[Edge]

I've been lurking here for a while now and I'm at the point now where I could really use some advice. So, apologies in advance if I ramble, here's my story.

 

A year or so ago this amazing woman walked in to my life and we had an instant rapport. She was funny, articulate, beautiful, intelligent, sarcastic and I was drawn to her, I couldn't help myself. The only thing was she was engaged to an acquaintance of mine. We went out a couple of times (as part of a bigger group) and we hit it off instantly. We gravitated towards one another and her eyes would light up when she would see me. We would goof off, flirt and generally have a great time. I didn't take it any further but it was obvious she liked me.

 

Fast-forward a couple of months and she broke it off with her fiancée and started hanging out with me more. She made it perfectly obvious she had feelings for me and told me that she'd liked me from the moment she met me. We emailed a lot, talked a bunch on IM, phone calls and hanging out. She would come to my apartment and we'd play video games, go to the bar together and just have a blast. I told her though that due to her recent breakup and the fact that I did know him somewhat, we couldn't have a relationship (this despite the fact that I wanted more than anything to date her). I said we could be friends and we were just that. From early Jun until mid August we hung out practically every day and we had a ball. We went on road trips, met up for ice-cream, went out for dinner, hung out after work and the times she was away on business we had daily phone conversations. August 15th of 2004 we went to a concert in Pittsburgh and we had an amazing time.

 

A couple of days earlier we were play fighting and we ended up on her bed hugging. I was laying on top of her and it felt comfortable and I looked at her and told her I could easily fall for her. She smiled at me and we left it at that. At the concert, on the way home we had a minor car accident and it shook us both up but luckily there was not much damage to the car and nobody was injured. I pulled in to a gas station to use the bathroom and while I was there I had an epiphany. Outside was the most amazing woman I know. We'd practically spent the whole summer together (as friends) and I had fallen for her. I smiled to myself as I left and rushed back out to the car and she was sat in the passenger seat crying. I opened the door pulled her close to me and hugged her, then I looked at her and told her "I love you". She looked at me and I knew she either didn't hear what I said or she didn't believe it so again I said, "Jillian, I love you." It was like the floodgates had been opened, she was so happy that the feeling was mutual and the rest of the drive home we just talked and talked.

 

The next morning I got an email from her telling me she'd waited so long to hear me tell her those three little words and how she'd loved me from day one. We spent the rest of the summer together, swimming in the pool at her house, dinner together, hanging out etc, etc and we got closer and closer. Unfortunately things took a turn for the worse the day after Labor Day and we broke up. Work was stressing her out (she was studying hard for finance/insurance exams that could make or break her career with a bank) and was also under pressure from her parents. They didn't know my motives for dating her and they put a lot of pressure on her. We broke up for a couple of days and I was heartbroken. One evening she called me because she missed me and wanted to be friends. We'd both talked about a connection between us and, as cliché as it might be, we both said how we completed one another, how we were, trite I know, soul-mates. I've had relationships before but nothing compares to what I've experienced with her. She makes me laugh like no other, she instinctively knows what I'm thinking, we have fun together no matter what we're doing and we both share the same dreams, hopes and ambitions.

 

Anyways we agreed to be friends but it quickly progressed to giving 'us' a second chance and it was comfortably familiar again. We took it ultra slowly in order to prove to her parents that she would have time to concentrate on her exams for work and we limited our time together to weekends and one or two evenings a week. Of course there were still lots of emails, phone calls and text messages throughout the day and we'd meet up for "stolen half-hours" (lunch together). I was invited to family holidays and we spent a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas together and we arranged to go on vacation to England (my home country) later - April – this year. As luck would have it, her father offered to pay for our flights using his air miles and all we had to save up for was spending money.

 

During the time prior to us going away we fell even more in love and we discussed marriage, buying a house together and having babies. As much as these things scared the crap out of me, they excited me too because I could see it becoming a possibility with her in my life. In late March though, she started to become distant and we broke up a week or so before we were due to fly to England. She cited that she's lost herself. Basically she'd come off the back of a 4 year relationship / engagement and then pretty much gotten in to a relationship with me and she needed to find herself. She said though that she still cared/loved me but wanted space and wanted for us to be friends. We agreed that we would still go to England – as friends – and, as it turns out, we had an amazing time. When we got back to America though, things went bad and we didn't hang out as much as we had. The emails got more and more formal and, in late April, she emailed me telling me being 'friends' was too hard and it was time for us to go our separate ways. She asked me not to contact her anymore either by email, phone or text and arranged for me to collect my things from her house. I was heartbroken but I was willing to honour her request.

 

Then a couple of days later she IM'd me and told me not to be afraid to message her when I saw her online to say hi, or speak to her in church and, later that day I got an email from her. Pretty much she said she couldn't help IM'img me because she felt that the silence was unbearable (she knew I would be feeling that too) and even though we wouldn't be hanging out as much, occasional emails would be nice. This carried of for a couple of weeks until the middle of May and, once again, she decided to cut off all contact. Then at the end of May, she came to my apartment one Saturday to drop off some cameras that we'd bought when I took her to Niagara Falls for Valentines Day. I'm quite a sentimental person and I wanted to keep the photographs. We sat on the steps to my apartment and talked and, I don't know how it happened but we ended up hugging. She said it was hard for her too and I started rubbing her shoulders. We've always flirted with one another and one thing led to another and we ended up making love. Since then she's called me pretty much every day, we've hung out quite a few times (each time we've ended up making love) and last night I was invited down to her house for dinner with her and her parents.

 

She's made it plain that we're not getting back together again, in fact she's emailed me at least once telling me she's confident I'll find another woman like her who will love me as much as she does and will do so in the ways she has in days gone by. Now here's the kicker, she tells me she misses me, and that we always have fun together when we're together and she loves me BUT, she's not in love with me. She emails me every day and calls me at least twice and we've made arrangements to do things this summer. Back in the spring we made plans to go to Virginia Beach for a week and we're still going and she's excited for this and has said on a couple of occasions it'll be a good time.

 

Like I said here's where I'm confused, why is she acting like this? I made it a point to ask her if I was her rebound guy and she tells me I'm not. I asked her if the connection we both felt, that we'd talked about so often was just fabricated because of the attraction between us and she said it too was real. She tells me she's still incredibly attracted to me and that I know her better than anybody else and, last night while I was at her house, the moment I got there she was flirting with me. In the phone calls we've had today she tells me she loves me (and the IM conversation last night she told me "I love you") and that I'm cute and she's looking forward to hanging out tomorrow night. Part of me is so glad she's still in my life and I figure it's a good sign that she's making plans, future plans with me (ie the beach, concerts for us to go to over the summer, hanging out at her house, day trips, camping and even hanging out with her in September when she house sits for her parents) but she keeps telling me we're not getting back together.

 

Part of me thinks I should just cut off all contact with her to stave off any future pain but a bigger part of me is still glad she's in my life. She's told me we'll always share a connection and she's glad I'm in her life (her mum even IM'd me last night and told me it was great to see me for dinner and she was glad I could come down).

 

So, after my lengthy post, if you've made it this far, well congratulations to you, any suggestions? Advice?

[tiger_lilies]

Wow, she sounds confused. What exactly is holding her back from being with you officially? Fidning herself? For me, "finding myself" means to spend time alone without the boyfriend and doing my own thing without having to answer to anyone.

 

Her actions speak louder than words. She shows that she loves you by contacting you everyday, making love to you and telling you that she loves you, etc. But then she says to you that she just wants friendship? That's really confusing. Friendship would mean that you would have to keep a certain distance between the both of you. If she can't keep her hands off of you, then she doesn't mean what she says.

 

My guess is that she's probably afraid to commit to you. Maybe she doesn't realize this for herself. I mean, if you both have such a wonderful time together and are soul mates, then why wouldn't she want to give herself completely to you?

 

Do you know if she might be seeing someone else?

[lagsalot]

I don't want to over analyse, so I'll keep it short and simple.

 

You seem to have a deep connection with this girls, and I wouldn't think there would be any reason to toss it aside just because she doesn't want to be a couple.

 

I would let things continue in there current state, only if you are aware that..

 

1. You really do not have a true future with this woman, and

2. You can't let this relationship get in the way of you finding a new love, and potential life partner.

 

Like it or not, this girl enjoys your company, but for what ever reason she doesn't see you as a potential husband.

 

So let things continue, but when another girl comes along, its time to move along.

 

BUT, and this is a serious BUT, if you find yourself turning away other women because you are holding out for this one, I would highly suggest cutting off contact with this girl all together and just moving along entirely.

 

I had a similer relationship in the past. We clicked, she told me we were soul mates and the whole shabang. However I was never quite good enough for her, and so I wasted 3 years of my dating life convincing my self that she was the "one", and that she was worth waiting for. Which, in the end, was a complete and utter waste of my time.

[MollyElise]

I think you need to continue loving her like you have been. Respecting what she needs and wants. Not all roads are smooth, be true to her, yourself and the love that you feel.

 

Find strength and peace in your feelings and try to understand that she feels torn.

 

Good luck, and remember you are not alone!

[Edge]

 

 

Thanks for the replies. I know for a fact she isn't seeing anybody else. She is so similar to me in a lot of ways and we've had the whole 'friends with benefits' conversation. We both maintain that it's making love rather than, well you get the idea. She's told me more than once that she couldn't do that if she didn't have feelings for me and last night she said "Do you honestly think I could / would do the things we do (making love) if I'm seeing somebody else?"

 

I'm trying to keep all this in perspective. I'm excited that she's making plans for the future with me and is emailing me, calling me. Just today for example she's called me five times and emailed me twice. Am I doing the right thing by not emailing her back or calling her as much. I don't want her to think I'm not interested but I do want her to know I do still love and care for her.

 

 

 

She's told me she loves me and will always love me. She tells me I get her completely and we have had pretty indepth conversations in the not too distant past about how I would make the perfect husband. We'd talked about still being flirty and silly when we're older, sitting on our deck watching the sunset while drinking tea and what it would be like to be parents etc, etc.

[wendella]

I felt like a yo-yo just reading your story. I can imagine what you feel like...

 

I think she is toying with you. I know this sounds bad and mean but I think that she is.

 

I totally used to do that to men. I would keep them around just to use when I wanted to be complimented, taken out, have attention, or even just, well, you know.

 

And it sounds like you two had a very intense fling, which you both disguised as a reltionship.

 

Real lasting love grows with time, the passionate kind is fun and enjoy it while it lasts only because it usually doesn't

 

Totally what the other post said don't let her hold you back from moving on cause real love doesn't hurt and she is using you for one thing or another even if you don't want to see it. sorry

good luck

[Edge]

I honestly don't think she's toying with me, she's not that kind of person. As I said, we've had plenty of meaningful conversations and we've both agreed on a lot of key points. One being that for some reason we seem to keep coming back to one another. Strangely enough today we both agreed we didn't know why, what it was about the other but we've both stopped trying to analyse it. I know in her previous relationship she was let down pretty badly, he was pretty much a jerk and she's told me on numerous times how wonderful I am and how much better a person she is for being loved by somebody like me. She's also told me she does want to remain friends with me because of the way we've clicked and that she wants to do things with me still (concerts, movies, vacation etc, etc).

 

I honestly don't know if I should cease contact with her though, or what to do. Thanks for the replies though guys. It does help to know I'm not alone in all this and despite me thinking I'm the only person in the world who has experienced something like this, I know other people have to. I guess time will tell.

[tiger_lilies]

It sounds like you two have good communication, but what exactly is holding her back??? My guess is that she's afraid to commit. Do you think she might think there might be someone else better than you out there for her?

If she loves you and can't stop contacting you, why in the world would she want to be just friends?

Ask her...you need an answer. Another guess is that she's hiding something....it doesn't make sense if everything is going as well as in your post.

[Edge]

It sounds like you two have good communication, but what exactly is holding her back??? My guess is that she's afraid to commit. Do you think she might think there might be someone else better than you out there for her?

If she loves you and can't stop contacting you, why in the world would she want to be just friends?

Ask her...you need an answer. Another guess is that she's hiding something....it doesn't make sense if everything is going as well as in your post.

 

I honestly don't know, which why I'm so puzzled. She tells me I'm wonderful and she loves me being romantic with her. How much fun we have when we're together doing 'our thing'. Last night she told me she misses me. I guess part of it stems from the fact that from day one when we first started dating, other than time away on business for both of us, we hung out pretty much every day. Yesterday she confessed that now, the times we do hang out (perhaps a couple of times a week), it makes it all the more special - something to look forward to - because we're not together so much. Even today, on one of her phone calls, I said I missed her and she admitted she missed me too. All I know is that I'm certain she's not seeing anybody else and, from what's she's told me, she doesn't want to date anybody right now.

 

The weird thing is, she told me one kid (he's 19) has been bugging her on IM. She said she told him about me and he - the kid - asked if we were dating and why her AOL profile said single. She said, "we're kind of dating, well I don't know what we are...." In previous conversations she said, when she thought she wanted to get married to me, she didn't know what she wanted and she just wanted time apart to figure all this out. I've been giving her space, I've always tried to finish the phone calls first and if I've replied to her email, it won't be right away.

 

I guess time will tell. She knows I love her, I know she's attracted to me and she's excited about our beach vacation in August, going to a friend of mines wedding in July and some other things we've arranged. I know though, that the more I press her about a relationship the further she'll pull back so, even though I want to know WHY we can't be together, I guess I'll have to wait for that answer.

[EatZ]

I can relate to your situation entirely Edge. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this! It's not fair at all!

 

Part of the reason that you feel so happy is because you're clinging to a foolish hope that someday something will happen. I only say "foolish" because you have no guarantee that anything will come of this, not because you're being stupid to do so. No no no, you're not stupid at ALL! Regardless of whether you believe you're chasing a dream or not, you're still going to do it because it feels good. I know I did. And well... I probably still would if I was back in that situation.

 

Why give up something that feels so good, right?

 

When something finally does happen though Edge, you're going to hurt. And it will hurt immensely. You can't even begin to fathom how much pain you will be in, so I'm fore-warning you now. I can tell that you're absolutely head over heels for this girl and it must be nagging at you -- if not tearing you up inside -- that she doesn't reciprocate your love fully. I think it's time to take a good hard look at the relationship and the situation you're in.

 

I agree with what you're doing, and you're being totally mature about it. It would be completely unfair for you to push her to an ultimatum, especially if she does just need time and space to sort herself out. One thing you need to realise though, it's EQUALLY unfair for her to string you along like this. You say she's not toying with you. No maybe not, you're probably right. I believe you're totally right in saying that it's not her intention at all... But in grand scheme of things, your heart is on the line here, and that's not something to be taken lightly. I'd hate to see another broken heart come of all of this, and I really don't think the other posters are that far off when they say she's toying with you. I think you need to know her motives before you get yourself more involved. I don't doubt that she loves you, but when you know in your heart that you love someone and want to spend the rest of your lives together, you don't need a "timeout".

 

I realise I haven't offered any real advice, and I'd rather not give any to be honest. Sorry!

 

It's ultimately up to you what you decide. Good luck Edge, and keep posting. We'll help you any way we can!

[Edge]

*sigh*

 

I've been thinking about this, the situation, a great deal of late and, as I see it, my options are:

 

1) Accept that we're not going to get back together and move on, completely cut off all contact.

 

2) Accept that we're not getting back together and accept that we'll never be more than good friends. Set some ground rules for the friendship (ie no 'friends with benefits')

 

3) Let the status quo remain.

 

Like I said I don't honestly believe she is toying with me (from the talks I've had with her mum (we're pretty close) I know Jillian loves me a great deal but right now she just needs space, whatever the heck that means).

 

The thing that is nagging at me is why is she making plans for so far ahead. I mean August, September? I'm wise enough to know that if she's toying with me, she wouldn't be thinking long term, would she? I mean why would she be the one initiating contact all the time. Yesterday alone she called me five times throughout the day and she's making plans to take me out for my birthday which is later this month.

[SeSpray]

Edge-- I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's pretty obvious that you love this woman with all of your heart and soul. However, (and I hate to bring more pain, but it's just something for you to think about) in your first post, you said that she was engaged to someone else and ended up breaking the engagement after she had met you and then after hanging out and being friends, you began your relationship. Do you think maybe she doesn't want to let you go because she's too scared to be alone and is hanging on until she meets someone new? I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I wanted to make sure that you are looking at this from every perspective. In my opinion (which may not mean much), she strikes me as someone that does love you but doesn't know what she wants. I've felt that way before and I ended up taking a break in a previous relationship and when he didn't contact me, it made me realize that I did truly care for him. Ultimately we didn't end up together, but that's a different story. So maybe if you told her that you are just too confused and that you need time for yourself to figure out if being friends is something you can handle and neither of you speak for a certain time frame maybe that will help. Don't just say, give me time, I'll let you know, but set an actual date and say okay, NC for the next week or two weeks and say that on the following Monday you'll talk again and see where each other stands. Who knows maybe it will help her make up her mind as well. Maybe she needs to miss you in order to realize how much you do mean to her.

 

Good Luck honey and keep us posted!!

[wendella]

You say she says a lot of things to you, but what are her ACTIONS. Does she act as if she loves you? Words are nice but they are only words what matters is what you do or how you act. It is obviously distressing you what exactally is making you upset?

 

that she won't commit? or that she is saying one thing and acting like another? Just be catious. and it may not be blatently obvious to you cause you are one of the parties in the situation.

 

This is why people seek advice cause it is hard to see what is the truth when you are emotionally involved.

[Edge]

I don't think she's scared to be alone, in fact, she's made it a point to tell me several times that this is what she wants, to be alone. Hence the need for space and she's told me she's not ready to date right now.

 

She's also told me she's loved me from the day she met me and will always love me. I got an email from her today where she told me, "Thank you for being so sweet. And I will always be your best friend, your biggest supporter, and your greatest fan!! I believe in you and care about you with all my heart!". A couple of times recently she's left me messages (once on my voicemail at work) telling me to smile because somebody loves you very, very much and also on IM a couple of times. Once she told me she loves me genuinely and another that she knew it was hard for me to understand - give the current situation - but she'll always love me. I used to be hopeful thinking giving her the space she desires, we'll eventually get back together (you know, the fairy tale Hollywood sells us?) but now, with her assertion that we're not getting back together, I'm not being as optimistic.

 

It's hard when she tells me she loves me and she misses me and, like she did earlier today, tells me she's excited to see me tonight (we've made arrangement to go see the latest Harry Potter movie).

 

She tells me how much fun we have together and tells me she enjoys my company, she even reminisces about things we've done in the past and talks about things she'd like for us to do in the future. I guess, for now, that's as close to a committment as she's willing to get.

[EatZ]

She's telling you exactly the things she knows you want to hear right now to ease the pain. Things like "I miss you" or "I will always love you". Those are some of the things the broken-hearted DIE to hear from their ex lovers. I know I do! I'd probably start hoping all over again myself if I was to hear my ex say either of those.

 

She's letting you down in the slowest was possible. She doesn't want to hurt you and this is completely obvious to me, but if she has said she doesn't want to get back together then you should really start taking her words seriously.

 

I'm so sorry. I know this is hard news to bear. I didn't fully accept the news myself when my ex told me it's over. None of us do... The first two stages of loss and bereavement are "Shock" and "Hope". The "Hope" stage, also being commonly referred to as "Denial".

 

I read your post and see the same train of thought I had myself straight after my break-up and it nearly makes me cry. You are reading too far into her "I will always love you and be there for you", clinging to a hope that you'll get back together someday. If she has unequivocally said it's over, then I'm afraid it is. Like I said, she's letting you down in the most humane way possible, and while I admire her for trying to do this, in the long run it's also probably the most hurtful thing she could be doing to you right now. It's terrible. It's as awful as her leading you on or delaying/compounding the inevitable pain. You will never heal if she's around giving you false hope.

 

My ex told me when we broke-up that never in her wildest dreams did she ever want to hurt me. She told me she meant EVERYTHING she ever said to me. She tried to leave me with some comforting words because she felt overwhelmingly guilty for what she was doing, and she wanted me to feel as little pain as possible. And end on a "high note", I guess you could say.

 

I took what she said completely the wrong way and clung tightly to hope for several weeks after the break-up, even though we didn't speak once during that time. I tried using NC back then to win her back, not heal, because I thought that by her saying "I meant everything I ever said to you", then she was referring to the time she said she'd always be there for me. The time she said we'd always be in each others lives. The time she said she loved me, more than life itself... This just isn't true. She was telling me something she knew I'd like to hear cause she didn't want me to hate her or feel bitter towards her.

 

Now, 4 weeks and 3 days down the track, it ends up feeling like a consolation prize that I would rather not have had.