how do i get her to drop her guard?

[Deejmonster]

I met this girl a while ago and we are now casually dating. She likes me for sure and I like her back... but she has trust issues with men.. she has been victim to men using her in the past and finds it hard to drop her guard. I want her to trust me because I am genuine... but simply talking to her about it isn't doing anything.. is there anything that I can do that will make her trust me more? or is time the only thing?

[_Asti_]

I think until you can match your words with actions, she will still have doubts. And those actions will only come with time, consistency over time in what you say and do...may help.

 

But then again, there are people who do and say everything right and never faulter, but it doesn't matter because the issue lies within the other person. You can do and say everything right, but unless she does her part to try and trust and work through it as well..it may not go anywhere.

[Car Chick]

There is not quick fix for this. It took we a while to trust my bf too since I have also been hurt. But he has shown such genuine love, compassion, and care for me that I know he truly is worthy of my trust. If you push the issue with her, you'll just push her away and confirm her fears.

 

What really won me over with my guy is when I was sick with a really bad earache. It was so bad, I was literally deaf for two days. He helped me walk because I was so dizzy. He took me to the doctor's and the pharmacy and woke me up when my prescription was ready because I fell asleep there- and then the best part- he was willing to touch my gross, infected, ear wax crusted ears to put the drops in because the medicine and sickness had me too out of it to do it myself. I saw then that he loved me in the good and bad, so much that he could never hurt me.

 

Be patient and be the best boyfriend you can be and she'll come around.

[Maveric]

time is the only thing. I'm sure all these other men sang her the same song as you do but eventually screwed her over. She will know you're different when time has passed and you're still the genuine guy you claim to be

[Cardinal]

It almost always falls on completely deaf ears, but what I tell people is to trust with verification.

 

It is important in my mind to literally never trust someone blindly.

 

The flip side of it, however, is that it is equally important to not distrust someone. I am fairly confident she is distrusting you without cause or reason to do so. And that is frustrating. That is the point that I would stress to her if she simply doesn't know how to handle trust mentally.

 

Trust with verification works and other methods often simply fail.

[Maveric]

It almost always falls on completely deaf ears, but what I tell people is to trust with verification.

 

It is important in my mind to literally never trust someone blindly.

 

The flip side of it, however, is that it is equally important to not distrust someone. I am fairly confident she is distrusting you without cause or reason to do so. And that is frustrating. That is the point that I would stress to her if she simply doesn't know how to handle trust mentally.

 

Trust with verification works and other methods often simply fail.

 

No such thing as trust with verification. If you are verifying what someone tells you it already means you don't trust them.

[Cardinal]

No such thing as trust with verification. If you are verifying what someone tells you it already means you don't trust them.

 

It doesn't mean trust with verification doesn't exist or that there is no such thing. Car chick's example is a perfect example of trust through verification. It very much exists. It is also very common to verify trust in relationships through actions and through how the other person treats you. There may very well be no good substitute for time.

 

It is logically possible neither to trust nor distrust someone. That mindset is a workable mindset. If a step yields a high probability of either physical or emotional damage, then caution is advised. Yet you can approach most relationship issues with an open mind and a lack of negativity due to unfounded mistrust. Unfounded mistrust is often represented by this great fear and extreme caution to the point that one side won't budge. It can be a big barrier to relationship building. Hence this thread.

 

People that have big trust issues are often acting out of fear. Also, they are likely to not have any comprehension of how to build trust and don't know any of the steps. They are like a fish out of water prone to getting burned. There is a logical side of how to build trust (through direct verification) that is often completely missed and shouldn't be.

 

Think of it like a law case. You never really know beyond all doubt what happened. But you can build a lot of evidence and give a high probability of what the true case is like (and by analogy whether or not you can trust someone). My point is with those kinds of tools in your bag of tricks, people with trust issues can break those shackles a lot easier. But they need to actually be told how and know how to use logic as well as emotion when it comes to matters of love.

 

The rub happens when a girl leaps without looking. They trust but they have no logical reason to and simply hope it works out. No small surprise when it doesn't. Next relationship comes around and you get a situation like the above. Girl refuses to trust to the detriment of the relationship. Trust with verification should be an expected step, and perfectly welcomed by the guy imo.

[Deejmonster]

well the other night.. her roommate and her went to the bar and came back very drunk... they then proceeded to wake me up at a very early time in the morning... giggling and me being kinda annoyed. I was on my way with them to put them to bed safely when her roommate took off running out of the college dorm and she wanted to go eat food... my gf took off after her.. which to my thoughts i figured that she was going to bring her back... when a few minutes past and they didnt come back i went out looking for them. On the way.. i could here them talking and my gf was angry that i didnt come back to find her... little did she know i was right behind her.. once she figured out that i did come to rescue her she was very happy... i just escorted them to the gas station and allowed them to get food and a very large drunk male at the gas station proceeded to pick a fight with the both of them.. verbally... I escorted them out of the gas station and safely walked them home and the whole way back i was treated like a god. Haha... to end the story... she told me later that night/morning that at first she thought that i was just like all the rest of they guys she had been with but she wanted to apologize because after seeing that i would chase after her.. she knew i really cared...

 

So is this the kind of thing that i have to do to win her over?

[_Asti_]

So she's basically playing games and testing you? Seems rather childish, petty and immature. That wouldn't be what came to my mind when its come to winning someone over.

 

But if its working for her, then yes..play her games and show her what you got.

[Cardinal]

So is this the kind of thing that i have to do to win her over?

 

I would have let her keep running.