cant carry on need to say something but how?

[blueeyes83]

My patience is wearing thin now with my so called boyfriend. Ive been seeing him for 3 months and he has always remained fairly detached from bf/ gf life like there is something missing/ hes holding back e.g. ive yet to meet his friends (only met them once when we first met), I dont get invited to places which does actually hurt quite a bit I mean am i really that embarrassing as a person! AS well hes very engrossed in sports so he spends a lot of weekends away up mountains with biking people so free tme is precious.

 

Im the type of person that if I feel somethng is wrong and not right i will pull away and become distant so I have not been texting/ ringing and almost become withdrawn. He has done the same thing i think. I also have major problems communicating and the thought of mentioning something really makes me think id rather the ground swallowed me up. This as well i feel is causing issues.

 

 

So we were meant to be doing something/ meeting up this morning, i called him and he was in town shopping... great thanks for letting me know and why didnt he invite me! So im hooking up with a friend for coffee so he has suggested we meet after this, hes out in town later so ill only get to see him for an hour. Should i say something to him later about our relationship and what do i say? Bearing in mind i cant communicte! I really feel like asking if he still wants to be with me as i get hte impression at the moment hed rather be other places?

[asthesparrow]

If you can't communicate, you have to learn, or all future relationships are doomed.

I suggest you meet up with him and ask if he actually wants to be with you. Sounds like he doesn't.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know what you can say to him: "I don't think this is working out...your schedule seems to be really busy and we rarely get to see each other. I am looking for the type of relationship where the couple get together more often, even with each other's friends and it seems like we don't have the same expectations and needs in a relationship so I wish you well but I think it is best that we end things."

 

It is clear this guy wants the status of having a girlfriend without having to put much work or thought into things. You are not going to change that. It is clear he is ambivalent and it is best to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

[lavenderdove]

If you have trouble communicating, sit down and write down your thoughts. Then try to divide them into two lists, what is bothering you about the relationship, and what you'd like to have in a relationship/what could fix what is bothering you.

 

Then distill that to a couple of the most important points and talk to him about it. Tell him you'd like to see him more often and be included more in his life such as going out together with friends. Then see what he says. He'll either say OK and start to include you more, or else that he doesn't want to do that. Then you have to decide what level of contact you require to be happy, and if he doesn't want to give that to you, then you need to look for someone who has a similar idea of how much time one should spend together.

 

If he's super into one sport like biking, then perhaps what he needs is a girlfriend who is also really into biking... some people are borderline obsessed with certain hobbies, and there isn't room in their lives for partners who don't also like to do the same things. Or maybe he just doesn't want a serious girlfriend, just infrequent dates/casual sex. If that's not what you want, no point in wasting more time here.

[Unity]

Blueeyes -

 

this sounds a lot like my last r-ship (that I just ended) and I also have really, really bad problems communicating. What happened was this: neither one of us spoke, in any way or form, for FIVE DAYS. Before I finally texted him that we need to talk - "being in limbo is worse than being broken up. If we're going to break up let's just do this." And we finally talked. It only took literally 2 minutes. He couldn't care less. He too had been distant, like your boyfriend, although I had met his friends and family. He just started withdrawing and so I knew in my heart he was much less interested than he had been.

 

Point is, in my next r-ship, you bet your tuckus I'll be communicating every single flipping thing. I'm not a doormat and I don't want to be afraid to rock the boat any more.

 

Call him up. Tell him you need to talk, ask what his preference is - phone or in person? And just do the damn thing.

[catfeeder]

I'm a reasonable communicator, but I have my limits. First, I don't confront, I negotiate. But in order to do that, I need to believe that there is at least a kernel of receptivity to my position, or what is the point?

 

In a no-win, I don't play. If BF is doing all the avoiding and none of the pursuit, he doesn't include you in anything or attempt to see you even on a morning when you've made plans, something is wrong--and is it even fixable?

 

What good is communication with someone who isn't invested? I wouldn't break up with him, exactly--there's no need to. I'd just let him fade away...

 

Whenever someone shows you what he's made of, believe him.

[kendra377]

Communication is what you need to work on. Tell him how you feel, do not become withdrawn because that won't work. If you don't contact him, he might think you're angry at him so won't want to upset you more etc. But on the other hand he may not be contacting you because he literally can't be bothered.

Ask him what he wants/what he is expecting from this relationship and lay down the fact that if you don't talk openly about what's bothering each of you, there won't be a relationship much longer. Get straight to the point.