Am I a Bad Person?!?

[ElectricSheep123]

Ok, so many people probably already know my story. I'll give a summary:

 

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend exactly one month ago. He was my first (first bf, first first (wink), first kiss etc). He was bisexual and in his first gay relationship with me. He was also kind of a sex addict. Eventually, he cheated on me 3 times with his ex-girlfriend, with the tearful explanation that he missed sex (with a woman).

 

He confessed it to me, sobbed, told me he loved me, and begged me not to leave. I was heartbroken, devastated, betrayed. I left him and told him I f-ing hated him. I went into no-contact, and blocked him on fb, e-mail, changed my phone # etc. I also ignore his many calls to my house.

 

Now I realized something about myself-- I'm not completely innocent in all this. I guess I'll confess it here. Sometimes when I was with my ex, I'd fantasize about another guy... I have a straight friend who's one of my best friends, who always flirted with me, and I've had a crush on him since we met. And every time I, you know, get off with my ex, my friend would pop into my head.

 

Does that count as emotional infidelity? Am I a horrible person for feeling like this towards my ex, when I myself cheated emotionally?

 

Any comment welcome. Thanks!

[alli]

To me, emotional cheating is more like when you develop a relationship with someone that, while it is not physical, it is more than platonic friendship. Such as talking to someone the way you would your SO, revealing personal thoughts & emotions that you wouldn't normally reveal to a friend.

 

I don't think it is emotionally cheating to fantasize about another person. I think it's normal for people to be attracted to others even while in a relationship. The difference is if you have the self control to not allow it to develop into an inappropriate relationship. I highly doubt you have an emotional affair with someone who isn't attracted to males. So that said, stop feeling so guilty for feeling things that are normal! What your ex did- sleeping with his ex, is waaaay worse than you feeling warm fuzzies for another person but not doing anything to progress it.

[ElectricSheep123]

To me, emotional cheating is more like when you develop a relationship with someone that, while it is not physical, it is more than platonic friendship. Such as talking to someone the way you would your SO, revealing personal thoughts & emotions that you wouldn't normally reveal to a friend.

 

I don't think it is emotionally cheating to fantasize about another person. I think it's normal for people to be attracted to others even while in a relationship. The difference is if you have the self control to not allow it to develop into an inappropriate relationship. I highly doubt you have an emotional affair with someone who isn't attracted to males. So that said, stop feeling so guilty for feeling things that are normal! What your ex did- sleeping with his ex, is waaaay worse than you feeling warm fuzzies for another person but not doing anything to progress it.

 

Ok, thanks. I thought it was bad that I found my friend more sexually attractive than my bf, even though my bf was better looking IMO.

 

Also, would you be friends with an ex after sometime like this? I catch myself fantasizing about a friendship with him (platonic friendship). I don't think I'd ever date him. But he may be a good friend, sometime in the future. Bad idea?

[alli]

Ok, thanks. I thought it was bad that I found my friend more sexually attractive than my bf, even though my bf was better looking IMO.

 

Also, would you be friends with an ex after sometime like this? I catch myself fantasizing about a friendship with him (platonic friendship). I don't think I'd ever date him. But he may be a good friend, sometime in the future. Bad idea?

 

Eh, I don't know. I can't imagine wanting to be friends with someone who cheated on me. Give yourself some time apart from him. And remember, if he cheated once (well, 3 times) he will probably cheat again, so if you're ever in a situation with him where you decide to get physical again, just remember that he's probably cheating on someone while doing it & may be exposing you to STDs. Did you have sex with him again after he slept with his ex without telling you he had cheated on you?

[ElectricSheep123]

Eh, I don't know. I can't imagine wanting to be friends with someone who cheated on me. Give yourself some time apart from him. And remember, if he cheated once (well, 3 times) he will probably cheat again, so if you're ever in a situation with him where you decide to get physical again, just remember that he's probably cheating on someone while doing it & may be exposing you to STDs. Did you have sex with him again after he slept with his ex without telling you he had cheated on you?

 

Nope. He did it 3 times within a two-day period when I was not with him. He told me when we met up on the third day.

 

Plus, we always used protection (though I don't think he used protection with his ex. God I hate her).

[Citlali]

All that alli is said is spot-on. However, I am curious about something: why do you hate her?

[ElectricSheep123]

All that alli is said is spot-on. However, I am curious about something: why do you hate her?

 

 

I kinda hate them both. I sometimes despise my ex, sometimes I think I'm over it. But she is nothing but a ****. She knew me, and she knew about me. We weren't friends, but we talked. She has no self-respect.

[Citlali]

I just find it interesting that the person cheated on frequently blames the other woman or man simply because he or she was involved with the cheater. Logically speaking, she didn't really owe you anything. She wasn't the one who promised to be faithful to you or love you. You weren't friends. Nevertheless, I do understand why someone would feel that. At least you put blame on him too, which is where it should be. There's nothing more perplexing than people who blame the other person but fail to place blame on the cheating partner.

 

Having said that, try not to feel hate for either one. It just wears you down. Be angry all you want, but work on forgetting it so that it doesn't consume you.

[alli]

I just find it interesting that the person cheated on frequently blames the other woman or man simply because he or she was involved with the cheater. Logically speaking, she didn't really owe you anything. She wasn't the one who promised to be faithful to you or love you. You weren't friends. Nevertheless, I do understand why someone would feel that. At least you put blame on him too, which is where it should be. There's nothing more perplexing than people who blame the other person but fail to place blame on the cheating partner.

 

Having said that, try not to feel hate for either one. It just wears you down. Be angry all you want, but work on forgetting it so that it doesn't consume you.

 

It's easier to get angry at the person you never had feelings for. "Oh, if only that little !@#$ had minded her own business & stayed away from my man, we would be perfectly fine & happy together, to this day!" It's hard to do a complete 180 & totally forget about the good feelings you had for your partner & replace them completely with anger or resent.

 

Logic says one thing, but sometimes you just don't want to follow logic!

[eggplant47]

You did nothing wrong. I think fantasy is a private part of everyone's life. As long as you don't act on it, it's harmless.

[hexaemeron]

Hmm... would it have been (be?) a possibility for you two to have included other people in your sex lives mutually?

[ElectricSheep123]

Hmm... would it have been (be?) a possibility for you two to have included other people in your sex lives mutually?

 

Funny, we were talking about that on the day he told me he cheated.

 

I'll be honest. I was a bit sexually inexperienced; he was my first and only. He told me that I'm his 47th (or thereabouts; don't worry, I was always 100% safe), so he has a lot more experience than me. A threesome is something I had considered, but was maybe scared to try.

 

Anyway, the day he confessed it to me, we were lying in bed talking, and he brought up the idea of a threesome. It caught me off guard. As I said, I'd fantasized about my friend, but I'd never, ever get physical. The thought of my bf with someone else was a bit uncomfortable for me, but it was something I would be willing to try, because I really cared about him. Slowly, he eased me into the idea (I was still 85% unsure), but I told him there'd be rules:

 

1. No sleeping with the same person twice (since I didn't want him to fall in love with someone else)

2. If he ever decides to do it, he'd let me know, so I could say yes or no to the person; never do it behind my back.

 

That's when he said, "Well, I have to confess something to you, then..." And then my world faded to black...