how soon is too soon?

[SadAndy]

some of you on here will probably be aware of my situation but for those who aren't.

 

My long term ex (14yrs) dumped me in Feb 10 for a man who is 12yrs younger than her. She is 33, he is 21 and our daughter is 8.

She has known this guy since about early Dec 09 and moved him in 2 days after I moved out. He is now in the process of taking out a large mortgage with her and they have seriously discussed marriage and having children very soon, with my daughter.

 

My ex had 2 long term affairs (1x 6 mth and 1x 18mth both with the same guy, not the one shes with now.) The last of these affairs ended only when she met this new guy.

 

What I want to know partially out of spite and partially out of concern for stability for my daughter is what is the general consensus on the speed of these decisions. Also, does the large age gap have any bearing?

 

 

 

Thanks guys.

[IGlareOften]

Well, her actions do show instability. I can tell you, as a 21 year old myself, that that's too young to be a father figure. We don't know who we are at this age, let alone enough to imprint on another human being. She's obviously in a mid life something to be doing the whole cougar thing.

 

Now for the speed of things, it is kind of curious. Not to say relationships with age gaps are unstable...but a mother, who has had many previous affairs and jumps into a serious relationship days after ONE serious relationship ends. That speaks to instability. I'm not gonna tell you what you should and shouldn't do..but I advise that you keep an eye on your daughter. Best of luck, dude. This is not a happy situation.

[BellaStranger]

SadAndy. Listen to me... I have read loads of your posts on here... loads of new threads all about the same thing and I can see a mile off how much you are hurting!! But you need to start letting go.

 

What your ex has done has been horrible, and painful, and deplorable but it is done and holding on to all this spite and anger is not going to help you. You need to accept that she is with someone else now, and it really doesn't matter if you like it or not... you need to accept the possibility that despite the age gap, they may be perfect for each other and may feasibly be together for ever.... Do you want to feel like this forever? Cos if you keep obsessing about THEM and what THEY are doing, that's exactly what will happen!

 

Stop thinking about them and start thinking about yourself and your daughter. You need to hold yourself together and let go of the bitterness for her sake. Seek out professional help if you need it, which I would suggest you do. Focus on letting go of the pain and building the strongest bond you can with your little girl, cos no one can ever take that away from you!

 

It's also... in the long run, the only way you can protect her... by being strong and being there for her no matter what!

 

All the best!

[SadAndy]

spot on. I am just hurting sooooo much and the whole injustice of it.

 

Shes caused so much hurt to so many that I just want to keep hearing how it will fail and SHE will hurt!

I cannot feel like this forever but at the moment I need to do what I can to get through each day.

 

I am genuinely worried about my ex's behaviour and the effect it will have on my daughter and I was really just after some views on the speed of their relationship, as to me it seems far to fast even though it all looks perfect at the moment.

 

Thanks for your comment, i do need a kick up the bum to snap me out of this but maybe just not yet.

 

God bless you all.

[pumpkinmoon]

Would you take her back if you could? If so, would you be able to live with what she has done? Answer honestly...

[Blue Skittles]

Your daughter is 8? This will definitely have an effect on her. One day is bye "Daddy" and two days later another dude moves in. Its tragic for a child to experience such a thing. Trust me - I work with children for a living and I see the effects of children being pulled through these situations. They are miserable, develop a hard outer shell, and it makes it hard for anyone to love them, or for them to love and trust others. I had one 10 year old girl who completely changed (for the worse) the day her step-dad walked out of her life.

 

Unfortunately- I don't know what you can really do about it now, other than maintain a strong relationship with your daughter. Be there for her as much as possible, make sure you get regular visits with her, and make sure she knows you still love her. As far as her mother is concerned, try to maintain a peaceful as possible relationship with her mother. The more conflict your daughter sees the more it will destroy her. Dont' make her feel like she has to choose between mommy and daddy. This is the best thing you can do for your daughter, and hopefully if you maintain peace and calmness on your side of things, she will get past the hurt and be able to trust other adult figures in her life.

[SadAndy]

that is exactly the sort of thing that i fear.

 

She is already saying things like 'Mummy is getting rid of me too much' when my ex goes to work or spends time with the 'boy wonder'.

I know its jumping ahead but when they have a baby (very soon apparently), my daughter will feel see 'pushed out' as all of the attention will go on the baby, the age gap between my daughter and the baby will be huge and she will never be true part of the 'family' as she is mine and not his.

My ex is not an evil person or a bad mother (despite the facts) but she does not think of her actions and will be so wrapped up in the occasion, like she is now, that i really do fear for my little girl.

 

Look at the way she has treated me (not playing the victim card, honest!) She has not considered my feelings or my daughters in any of this.

As long as she is happy.........