Don't know whats going on

[TheJerseyKid]

Some of you might be aware of my situation, but here is a basic breakdown for those who don't.

 

-Dated for 5 months, broke in April of '09, Reconciled May of '09, Dated till April '10

-She's in final semester of college, very heavy work load, she's also partly depressed, and has lots of stress and anxiety

-I was in a depression also throughout most of the winter

-I lost a lot of weight, was less sociable, didn't want to go out as much, lost a lot of confidence and charisma I once had

-As a result of this, I guess I got a little more clingy and needy

-She also started slowly withdrawing which magnified the clinging and such

-Broke up exactly 3 weeks ago to the day. Phone break up, catalyst was a fight we had over which days we were hanging out this weekend- totally my fault. Not really enough of a fight to warrant a break up, but tensions had wained thin over the past months and this was enough to push us over i guess

-E-mailed her 12 hours post break-up taking responsibility for some things, agreeing with break up, asking her to keep an open mind, but did not beg.

-Immediatley went NIC, she texted me about 4 times, I responded twice, both times taking several hours to respond.

-16 Days ago I went NC completely. Around Day 10 she texted me saying "Hey just wanted to say Hi and see how you are doing".. I never responded.

 

She is a prideful person, and last time when we broke up, I went NC. She texted me the same thing, then 2-3 days later the same thing, then the next day basically 5 texts saying to the effect "if you don't want to talk to me please let me know so i dont make an ass out of myself" which clued me in enough that she was willing to listen and hear me out, and let me know that I had the upper hand back. We had a visit within a week we're pretty much back together by the end of that night.

 

At this point I don't know if its her that I miss, or just the "comfort" of having someone you are so close with. I'm thinking its just the comfort, but I don't know for sure. Anyway, I was thinking of reaching out to her via text and just saying "I'm doing well, real busy with a lot of things on my plate. Thanks for your concern." and taking it from there. Part of me feels like I'd be giving in, but then I start to feel like I'm playing a game and thats one thing we never did was play games. We were always honest with our feelings and talked about * * * * that was on our minds. I have no problem doing NC, and I've done lots of things really good for my own lately.

 

I've got a new job, I'm gaining weight and getting into shape, going out a lot more and being more sociable. Working to have a better temper and be more paitent and understanding of people. I already feel like I'm a much better person than when we broke up 3 short weeks ago.. However. Ideally I'd like to run into her 2-3 months from now, when I've really been able to make significant changes for a long(er) term in my life. And hell it wouldn't hurt that I'll probably have 20-30 lbs more of muscle by then to knock her socks off. I'm just kind of at a loss at what to do from this point out just:

A) Continue NC completely

B) Continue NC until she reaches out again, then go NIC..

C) Text her what I had suggested above tonight/tomorrow/soon

D) Who knows..

 

edit: For the record, I am handling this break up the best out of all of mine. Every break up I've had there was a period where I couldn't eat, sleep, or thoughts of my ex consumed entire days. I've been eating healthier than ever, sleeping well (I've had about 3-4 "ex" nightmares, so about 1 per week), and I haven't felt the need to constantly tell everyone about my situation. Hell, I've barely talked about it for more than a minute with anyone, and I'm honestly so proud at myself at how well I am handling this. Just.. I still think about her more than I'd like to, and I can't figure out if its the comfort I'm missing, or cause I do want to get back together with her somewhere down the road.

[TheJerseyKid]

No one has any insight? Come on..

[Tangz]

"At this point I don't know if its her that I miss, or just the "comfort" of having someone you are so close with. I'm thinking its just the comfort, but I don't know for sure. Anyway, I was thinking of reaching out to her via text and just saying "I'm doing well, real busy with a lot of things on my plate. Thanks for your concern." and taking it from there. Part of me feels like I'd be giving in, but then I start to feel like I'm playing a game and thats one thing we never did was play games. We were always honest with our feelings and talked about * * * * that was on our minds. I have no problem doing NC, and I've done lots of things really good for my own lately."

 

So early after a break up its definitely the 'comfort'. Over time you will figure out if it was the comfort or HER. The more time you wait the better you will feel, the better the reconcillation will be, the more clearer you will think and with that you'll learn if its her you miss or the comfort of being with someone.

 

Im about 7-8 weeks post breakup. Im past the initial fears and worrys but am not 100% healed. I am now going thru the phase where I figured out where I went wrong (took her for granted, got selfish), im starting to get over it and move on and working on myself.

I miss her so much but at the same time im slowly learning to live without her in my life, this is where you shed the 'need for comfort' and learn how much you love your ex. This is critical if you are to go back togeather in so many ways. 1 - You learn where you went wrong and what you need to do to make it better. 2 - the more time apart the better you will appreciate each other. YOU NEED space after a break up. 3 - If we all got back togeather with our ex's within the first month we would be such a mess! We would worry and be clingy all the time, that would never work. Both parties need to shed the initial emotion that comes after a break up. Otherwise the both of you are just acting on emotions alone.

 

You mention that you guys never played games, that you always spoke your minds. Im gathering that you guys never ignored each other etc?

Im also gathering that you didn't exactly annouce NC? IMO if you don't annouce NC then it might be best to reply every so often, otherwise you look like your doing it on purpose or being "mean". You'd rather she 'missed you' thru NC then be 'pissed off' thru NC because you don't reply right?

 

Whe nwas it taht she last contacted you? 6 days ago asking how you 've been? If you think she will contact you soon then wait for that and reply with "Im doing okay, keeping myself busy, hope you are doing okay as well"

[TheJerseyKid]

Yeah, we never didn't talk for more than say 12 hours. NC was unannounced also, and yeah, I would rather her miss me, but the reason I didn't respond is I don't want to be an emotional fallback if she is seeing someone else which I am un aware of.

[Tangz]

Do you think she is someone who is selfish and only turn to you to be an emotional fallback?

 

ENA makes it out that every dumper only contacts their ex's for emotional fallbacks. I agree that ALOT of dumpers would do that but I dont think we can assume they are all like that....

I don't think there is harm giving a little emotional support, if you give none its probable they will get pissed off with you however giving too much isn't good either.

[Adge]

For the record, I am handling this break up the best out of all of mine. Every break up I've had there was a period where I couldn't eat, sleep, or thoughts of my ex consumed entire days.

 

Sounds exactly what I went through with a couple of my last exs and am handling this current one much better. Part of me thinks that because of this, perhaps I am more rational and think things really just weren't right and can't be!

[TheJerseyKid]

I don't think she is the type to use me for emotional support.

 

So I went ahead and texted her (awaits groans of disapproval) and said "Hi, I've been doing great! Really busy with work, working out, eating healthy, and a slew of other things" she wrote back immediately "Good!! I thought you were ignoring me and then seconds later sent "If you ever want to talk, I haven't gone anywhere I'm here." and I said "thanks. feeling like the new job/eating good/working out is really helping with my depression, hell I've gained 20 lbs already" she responded "thats awesome, its really good to hear that you are doing well". I then responded "It's my day off and I've got a lot of running around to do, not enough hours in the day, See ya." and her response was "Byeeeee".

 

I def wont be initiating any contact from here on out, for now anyway, until she does. She was very responsive, but that is the kind of person she is, so I'm not jumping to any conclusions or changing my thought pattern at all here. I feel the same as before, so I don't believe it set me back yet. Ideally, I'd like to have a few more weeks to work on myself and get things straightened out, and then I'd like to see her maybe in a neutral setting. Not sure how working that whole thing out will go, but, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Right now I know its entirely too soon to even think of seeing her yet.

[Live-N-Learn]

Hey Jersey, didnt she break up with you twice now? Are you sure you want to get back into this relationship a third time?