struggle

[XAmyX]

it has been about a month since the last time i cut i think i am doing quite well at the minute trying to stay positive. Its such a hard struggle doe. There has been nights i have cried myself asleep trying to resist the urges, i have even feel asleep with the razor in my hand. I have not been the happiest and It has not been easy but hopefully i can continue doing well. How is everyone else doing?

[No One]

Not as well; however, I AM proud of your resolution, strength, and good attitude!

 

Stay strong - healing always takes far longer (than the breaking)! At least, you know that you can, are capable, of improvement!

[XAmyX]

awh thank you. Im trying to stay strong and ignore the people around me that bring me down so we shall see if i can continue without cutting.

[No One]

Another day of success??

[XAmyX]

I wish i could say that i gave in and cut last night As much as i tried to talk my self out of doing it there was this voice in my head saying what harm can one or two cuts do so i cut twice. I feel disappointed with myself although i do feel relaxed and relieved. After i cut it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders and had fell straight asleep.

[mark_e]

Amy, good for you! Overall it sounds like you are doing very well resisting the urge to cut. I know what you mean about it bringing relaxation and relief. Too bad it's just not a healthy way to deal with stress. I would encourage you to keep fighting the urge, but also try to deal with the underlying problem. Find a healthy way to cope. You can't fight it all of the time; you'll get worn out.

 

Thanks for asking how others are doing. I have been doing very well for years now. The medication I take has really straightened me out. I was like you once, fighting the urge. I was doing well because I was not cutting. But, at the same time, I was not really healthy because I still felt like cutting all of the time. I was depressed, hated myself, etc... Anyway, after a few years of searching for the cure I finally found something that works for me. Keep trying!

[XAmyX]

I am trying my best to fight the urges but it is really hard when cutting is on your mind 24/7. i really wish that cutting was a normal way to cope or that i have never started. There is no one underlying problem everything in my life causes it.

I hope one day i can succeed like you have but it will be a very long road. The way i feel frequently is the exactly way you felt in the past. How did you overcome these feelings?

[mark_e]

That is ok if you cannot pinpoint a single underlying problem. We can take it one step at a time. What is something that has caused you to cut recently? What happened, and what kind of feelings did you have? Just slow down and really think it through. That is how I got on my road to recovery. The first step is to just slow down and be honest with yourself about your feelings. Do you feel betrayed, abandoned, neglected, rejected, ashamed, or anything else?

[XAmyX]

Well basically i cut last night because i was feeling depressed, alone, stressed and miserable and i needed the relief as the urges have been really bad.

[XAmyX]

im falling apart right now i feel so alone and i do not know what to do anymore having really bad thoughts right now

[XAmyX]

just want someone to hold me tight right now and tell me everything is going to be ok seriously thinking about getting help right now because i can not go on feeling like this!!

[mark_e]

Sorry to hear you are doing so bad Amy. What kind of thoughts are you having? You will make it through this. We're here to talk and listen...

[No One]

Thoughts are for you! Things were better, things are worse, things will again be better for you!!!

 

U should take care of U - seek help, share something on the board, we're here.

[XAmyX]

feeling the worst i have ever felt right now. Feeling really alone really need to talk to someone.

[No One]

anytime!

[XAmyX]

well i got a vaccination in college earlier and it had to be on our forearm so i covered my main cuts and scars on that arm with bracelets but the doctor moved them and saw my cuts and scars she did not say anything to me but i felt so ashamed and new by the look on her face she was shocked and a bit weirded out. Do you think she will say anything to anyone?

[mark_e]

It is hard for me to say. You were there; I wasn't. But, I do not think a medical professional would violate your privacy by telling anyone. Who would she tell? Also, be careful not to be a mind-reader. You don't know what she was thinking. SI is more common that most people think. I bet she has seen it before with other people. She is probably concerned about you. Most people enter the medical profession because they do care about other people. But she really has her hands tied because she cannot violate your privacy by telling anyone.

[XAmyX]

She might tell my college tutor or someone but not sure like you say she can not really violate my privacy. A part of me is hoping she does doe so i do not have to make the first move about getting help. But we have to see them again on friday for a check up and i am afraid she will mention it to me

[No One]

A real doctor is expected to deal with reality...reality involves many things, including SI. There are even worse things that physicians are expected to deal with; of course, some may fail.

 

Perhaps, you didn't fit her stereotype? You genuinely suprised her? You reminded her of something? Unless she believes that you are a real and present danger to your well-being, then, no, there isn't much that she could do without consequences for her. Of course, if you were looking for help, then, well, what a great sedgeway...

 

You could always mention it to her on Monday.

 

How have you been?

[XAmyX]

i am looking for help but i am not ready to approach someone about it or talk about it in person . Maybe if she mentions it to me i might tell her i would like to receive help but other than that i am not ready. I have not been too bad the last two days feeling really exhausted doe maybe because i am putting a lot of effort into feeling better and not cutting before friday because i do not want to have fresh cuts when i see the doctor.

How have you been?

[No One]

u r right - not until u r ready; but,there is NOTHING wrong w/ u reaching out! At worst, what? She can't help? It's hard to fool physicians, and, well, why should u? u have every right to keep u SI private, but, not 2 b ashamed of it - no, that is u, ur condition.

 

...wow - thank you 4 asking! So-so, not 2 great. Some good things, lots of grey, the bad things remain. 1 less day. tnx!

[XAmyX]

well the doctor did not say anything to me on friday thank god i guess. i have not been too bad the last few days which is discouraging me going for help although i know it won't be long before i am at my worst again. Awh i am sorry to hear you are not doing to good hope you Feel better

[XAmyX]

well i have just told my best friend that i want to get help i did not go into detail about why but she said she wanted to say it to me all along because she noticed i was not myself. she is being really supportive and said she will help me look for somewhere to go and come with me. i am really glad she understands and is being so supportive

[mark_e]

That's great! It is always hard telling friends that you cut because you do not know how they will react. It sounds like you have a wonderful friend. I'm so glad to hear it.

[XAmyX]

I did not tell her that i am cutting, i just told her i wanted to get help because the way i am feeling. She is pretty wonderful she is being really supportive just what i need.