i'm so confused, feeling betrayed, and lost

[juju705]

yesterday my fiance broke it off w/ me. completely. we met each other in 11 grade and were instantly in love. after a year, we were engaged. and now, after 2 and a half years, he came up to me and said he needed time. i told him no, thinking that 'time' meant the kiss of death, but then he said it's over. i'm so confused. all our friends say that we're soulmates and we'll get back together and that he just needs time to cool off or time to be alone. i feel so betrayed. he never showed any signs of thinking about this. he's always been there for me and i've always been there for him. lately, he wasn't talking to me about his feelings, but i just thought he was stressed out and all of a sudden he breaks it off. i asked my friends and they said that he hasn't returned the ring to the store and doesn't plan to. then today, one of our friends called me and said he wanted us all to hang out "just as friends". i said that i wasn't ready. (my eyes are puffy and my heart is still broken) i'm just so confused and i don't want anything with him unless it's a romantic relationship. he's my first true love and i really want to get back with him, but i don't know what to do. everyone says give it time, but how much? should i wait til he calls me? i miss him and i love him and this is so unlike him. i'm really worried, upset, puzzled, and heartbroken. i can't imagine life without him. i need to be with him. he's my one and only.

please help me make sense of this,

juju

[TearsofaDragon20]

Juju welcome to Enotalone.com. im sorry to hear that. you may feel betrayed and yes it hurts. but as it stands it seems that he had no particular reason to go about and just abruptly break it off with you. you cannot just break it off like that and expect not the other person to feel horrible. but you want to save this relationship, then you need to work hard at this and see what it is that made him do this. because you dont deserve the hurt that has been caused to you. so see waht the root of all of this is. because you never know if it might happen again and if it does you will be back at this point again. so think of what it is you need to do here. i hope you can use this advice and i hope things go for the best. but expect the worst. you will heal, but it will take time. take care.

[Ilak2helpdahelpless]

I say that you should do exactly what he says he wants you to do. Be his friend. For a while anyway. Not too long. Try some subtle ways off getting him back. I'm sure you can think of some things. But don't pour in on too strong. I don't know what's going on in his head, but I'm pretty sure he needs some time. I think he got scared. If none of this advice works, talk to him about what happened. He should at least be honest and tell you why he broke up with you. You deserve an explanation. Find out if he still desires you, even if it's a litttle bit.

If he does, than you've got him. Make him jealous by dating other people.

It'll drive him nuts. Then I'm sure he'd try and get you back.

If he dosen't.....than go for one of the guys you dated!!!

 

I hope something I've said can help ya. Best wishes!

[SwingFox]

Hi juju,

 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish things would have gone a little more as you had planned.

 

As for my advice: a lot has already been said by our previous posters. I wouldn't really like the mindgames, like Ilak2help suggested, but if it works for you, go for it. I live by a rule in life, that says: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy." That is a very important rule in life.

 

You also asked questions like: "How much time should I give him? Should I wait till he calls me?" My answer to that, is: I would rather take charge of the situation and wonder: what do YOU need? How much time would YOU give him? Set goals and deadlines, if that works for you. Then you can say: "Hey, I did my best, but it didn't work."

 

Personally, being in your situation, I would wait things out and be his friend, as long as he is NOT dating someone else. The trick is that he stays connected and committed to you, even though it's not as much as it used to be. I would give it two months and then talk to him again. See how he feels then and then make the final decision for you.

 

I hope this helped you and I wish you strength and good luck.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[juju705]

he finally email me today and pretty much this is what he said: all i need is some time to be 19 i will allways have feelings for you i

need

some time to get less stresed i still whant to talk to you and hang out

i

just need time. (end) first we were madly in love and now he wants to go? i don't know. this is so confusing. i don't want to 'hang out'. he just dumped me! and this is the first time he has talked/written anything since he called me saying it's over. i did write him a text message on his phone when i knew his friends were there, and they told me that he read it and wouldn't let anyone else see it, then went for a drive to cool off. i feel so unloved. and today a trusted friend told me that all his friends told him to make a list of why he shouldn't date me. i never knew he was so spineless. what happened to him? like i said, all this is so unlike him; it's scary. anytime one of us was having problems we would come talk, but instead he kept it bottled up and laid it on me one day. i love him. and this breakup is destroying me. i was diagnosed w/ major depression a few years ago and have reverted back to my old destructive habits. he was always there as a shoulder to cry on, and now i don't know what to do now that he's not there. i need him back.

i feel so hopeless and helpless,

juju

[Ilak2helpdahelpless]

It wasn't mind games that I was suggesting.....not at all!

I don't understand how one could come to that conclusion.

 

Anyway, all I'm saying is use whatever tactics you have to, to get him back. That's if you want him back bad enough. And me being a girl and all, unlike the "other poster," I know that what I've said can work.

 

And what I've said is all fair play and all, nothing nasty about it.

 

The part where I said date other people, is exactly that. DATING.

Not getting boyfriends on the side, and hurting them if you get back with your guy.

 

Dating isn't exactly playing head games.......is it?

Good luck!

[Carissach]

Dear JUJU,

 

I know it hurts bad....what happened with your boyfriend but I'm going to suggest you go get a book called Mars and Venus on a date by Dr. John Gray. It will help you to understand that men are like rubber bands. Many men when they experience a lot of intimacy, need to pull away to experience their autonomy for a while. Trust that he will indeed find his hunger to be with you once again. You said you suffer from depression. Well, the best thing I can say is fake it until you feel it. ACT self-assured, confident and do NOT call him. He will be back...let him long for you and miss you. Men do not want to feel too responsible for being someone's whole "world". So, show him you have a life, and can go on without him even if you don't feel it and......trust me....he'll be back. Give him his space. Support it and have faith! Good luck!!! Oh and GET THE BOOK!

[juju705]

Well, after work on saturday, i was bored to tears. i called my friend nicole and she said that she was hanging out w/ my ex chris. (i don't think they like each other, for the record.) anyway, they offered to pick me up and hang out as friends. after some thought, i said yes and proceeded to dress up and make myself as hot as possible. chris came and got me and there were a bunch of ppl in the car too. we went to the mall and everything was fine, just a little awkward. well, chris dropped everyone off after and left me for last. we talked for a while in the car and someone kept calling him. he told me it was his dad and that he was in trouble and had to be home early. one of his friends kept driving by and interrupting our talking too. well, we talked and everything was fine. we kissed and hugged and he told me he still loved me, and only me, and he just needed to be himself for a while. we agreed and i gave him my birthstone ring and told him to keep it until we got back together. we kissed and hugged again and we said i love you. he left. i went upstairs to get ready for bed and a half an hour later he called me. "I dont' think this is gonna work." he said then hung up before i could respond. i called his cellphone, but he didn't answer then he turned it off altogether. i called his house, but his mother answered and said that he hadn't come home yet. i asked her if his dad had called and yelled, but she said no, that his dad had been in bed early. we talked (i love his mom. we get along wonderfully.) and she said that she didn't know what to do with him lately. he was never home and he was constantly out until the wee hours of the night. well, we hung up and i immediately called the person that had been driving past us when chris and i had been talking. by this time i was hysterical and in tears. i yelled at him, and screamed how he had broken my heart just for his new loser friends. (they dropped out of HS and drink every night. chris goes to community college and works 2 jobs.) i was so confused. one minute he loves me, and the next when he's with his friends, he could care less. well, i yelled at him and demanded that he give me back my ring. i told him to bring my friend nicole along. while waiting, i rolled some pennies and planned to punch him in the face. well, he showed up and gave me my ring. i couldn't punch him, because i wasn't fast enough, so i threw the pennies at his car and cracked off his headlight covers. then i went over to the driver's side of the car and started crying and screaming about everything. i noticed that in the pass seat was not my friend nicole, but one of his new friends. his friend threatened to call the cops on me. i don't even remember what i said. i asked him why he did this to me, and didn't he love me, and why did he let his loser friends convince him to dump me. i was so hurt and shocked. just a half hour ago everything had been fine. then suddenly he lies to me, gets w/ his friends and dumps me. i wanted to kill him, i was so hurt. well, he zoomed away and i haven't heard from him since. (his car is his baby. i could never have him back now that i hurt his car.) one of our friends at work said that chris hated me now and thought that i was crazy (chris accompanied me to a psychiatric hospital the year before when i was majorly depressed and suicidal. i say he should have already known that i have mental problems.). the friend also said that chris' parents were going to kick him out and that he was thinking of quitting school, which would also make him lose his job b/c it's like an apprenticeship. i'm trying to be strong and live my life. i start school next month. i can't stop thinking about him though and i can't stop having feelings for him. ppl that i've talked to say that the friends are only using him b/c he has a car and will ride their @sses around and that he'll realize that soon. but i know he'll never take me back now. he was my first love. he took my virginity and now i feel dirty and used. he stood by me when i went to the hospital. he helped me through everything, and i tried to help him through everything too. it feels like half of me has been torn off, and now it's only been five days and i still can't stop thinking about him. everything i do reminds me of him and for some reason/fault of mine, i can't hate him. i know he hates me, and i want to hate him, but i can't . i try to listen to alanis morrisette and end up turning it off. no matter what he's done to me, i can't stop thinking about him even though i know now that i could never get him back. maybe that's why...it's probably easier wanting something i can't have. i still feel like $hit. maybe i'll go watch grease, haha. sigh. any ideas anyone?

lost and still lovestruck,

julie

[juju705]

it's been a few weeks and we've cooled down. i can't stand to be around him; it's too painful, but our mutual friends have been going back and forth. today my best friend (who says chris is like an ugly brother, so i don't worry about her getting w/ him) told me that chris said that he was thinking that he'd made a big mistake. he said that he was thinking a lot about me and didn't know what to do. he's under the impression that i'd take him back at any moment. truthfully, i would. but it's unsettling that he thinks that no matter what he can do to me, that he can have me back whenever he wants. my depression has been getting worse the past few weeks and i'm seeing a therapist, possibly getting meds adjusted. how should i approach this? we spent two and a half years together and he's been privy to every thought in my head. should i play hard-to-get? i've been so lonely these past weeks b/c over time our friends have merged into a close-nit group and b/c chris has a car, they go w/ him and hang out and i'm stuck at home. (like i said, i'd hang out w/ them, but it's too painful. i tried and had a severe episode of depression). well, in summation: he's being cocky. i want him back. do i want him to know that? i dont' appreciate being someone's "old faithful". when we were together and engaged, i then assumed that we'd be together for the rest of our lives. i made plans accordingly. now, everything seems to have crashed down...i lost my fiance, my friends, and my fiance's dog (which i took care of and loved). but i'm picking up the pieces slowly. i start school to be a veterinary technician on the 29, and so far, that's the only thing i'm holding on to. everything else was f*cked.

 

if u want to know *exactly* how i feel, listen to the band simple plan. their songs "i'd do anything" and "addicted" describe all my emotions almosts perfectly.

thanks for hanging on to this wild ride,

julie

[Sorrowful Tears]

I know what you are going thru. My (ex)fiancee broke up with me 3 months ago and I am also severly depressed. I too am told by people that they think my ex and I are meant to be. I still hang out with him as friends. It is painful yes but to me spending most days in pain is worth it if I get to spend a great day every so often with my ex. I also assumed that me and my ex would be together forever cuz thats how he said it would be. I too am in a situation where he knows that Id take him back at any time. Well my advice is to just keep hope for the future. Thats what gets me thru the day.