juju705

it's been a few weeks and we've cooled down. i can't stand to be around him; it's too painful, but our mutual friends have been going back and forth. today my best friend (who says chris is like an ugly brother, so i don't worry about her getting w/ him) told me that chris said that he was thinking that he'd made a big mistake. he said that he was thinking a lot about me and didn't know what to do. he's under the impression that i'd take him back at any moment. truthfully, i would. but it's unsettling that he thinks that no matter what he can do to me, that he can have me back whenever he wants. my depression has been getting worse the past few weeks and i'm seeing a therapist, possibly getting meds adjusted. how should i approach this? we spent two and a half years together and he's been privy to every thought in my head. should i play hard-to-get? i've been so lonely these past weeks b/c over time our friends have merged into a close-nit group and b/c chris has a car, they go w/ him and hang out and i'm stuck at home. (like i said, i'd hang out w/ them, but it's too painful. i tried and had a severe episode of depression). well, in summation: he's being cocky. i want him back. do i want him to know that? i dont' appreciate being someone's "old faithful". when we were together and engaged, i then assumed that we'd be together for the rest of our lives. i made plans accordingly. now, everything seems to have crashed down...i lost my fiance, my friends, and my fiance's dog (which i took care of and loved). but i'm picking up the pieces slowly. i start school to be a veterinary technician on the 29, and so far, that's the only thing i'm holding on to. everything else was f*cked. if u want to know *exactly* how i feel, listen to the band simple plan. their songs "i'd do anything" and "addicted" describe all my emotions almosts perfectly. thanks for hanging on to this wild ride, julie

Well, after work on saturday, i was bored to tears. i called my friend nicole and she said that she was hanging out w/ my ex chris. (i don't think they like each other, for the record.) anyway, they offered to pick me up and hang out as friends. after some thought, i said yes and proceeded to dress up and make myself as hot as possible. chris came and got me and there were a bunch of ppl in the car too. we went to the mall and everything was fine, just a little awkward. well, chris dropped everyone off after and left me for last. we talked for a while in the car and someone kept calling him. he told me it was his dad and that he was in trouble and had to be home early. one of his friends kept driving by and interrupting our talking too. well, we talked and everything was fine. we kissed and hugged and he told me he still loved me, and only me, and he just needed to be himself for a while. we agreed and i gave him my birthstone ring and told him to keep it until we got back together. we kissed and hugged again and we said i love you. he left. i went upstairs to get ready for bed and a half an hour later he called me. "I dont' think this is gonna work." he said then hung up before i could respond. i called his cellphone, but he didn't answer then he turned it off altogether. i called his house, but his mother answered and said that he hadn't come home yet. i asked her if his dad had called and yelled, but she said no, that his dad had been in bed early. we talked (i love his mom. we get along wonderfully.) and she said that she didn't know what to do with him lately. he was never home and he was constantly out until the wee hours of the night. well, we hung up and i immediately called the person that had been driving past us when chris and i had been talking. by this time i was hysterical and in tears. i yelled at him, and screamed how he had broken my heart just for his new loser friends. (they dropped out of HS and drink every night. chris goes to community college and works 2 jobs.) i was so confused. one minute he loves me, and the next when he's with his friends, he could care less. well, i yelled at him and demanded that he give me back my ring. i told him to bring my friend nicole along. while waiting, i rolled some pennies and planned to punch him in the face. well, he showed up and gave me my ring. i couldn't punch him, because i wasn't fast enough, so i threw the pennies at his car and cracked off his headlight covers. then i went over to the driver's side of the car and started crying and screaming about everything. i noticed that in the pass seat was not my friend nicole, but one of his new friends. his friend threatened to call the cops on me. i don't even remember what i said. i asked him why he did this to me, and didn't he love me, and why did he let his loser friends convince him to dump me. i was so hurt and shocked. just a half hour ago everything had been fine. then suddenly he lies to me, gets w/ his friends and dumps me. i wanted to kill him, i was so hurt. well, he zoomed away and i haven't heard from him since. (his car is his baby. i could never have him back now that i hurt his car.) one of our friends at work said that chris hated me now and thought that i was crazy (chris accompanied me to a psychiatric hospital the year before when i was majorly depressed and suicidal. i say he should have already known that i have mental problems.). the friend also said that chris' parents were going to kick him out and that he was thinking of quitting school, which would also make him lose his job b/c it's like an apprenticeship. i'm trying to be strong and live my life. i start school next month. i can't stop thinking about him though and i can't stop having feelings for him. ppl that i've talked to say that the friends are only using him b/c he has a car and will ride their @sses around and that he'll realize that soon. but i know he'll never take me back now. he was my first love. he took my virginity and now i feel dirty and used. he stood by me when i went to the hospital. he helped me through everything, and i tried to help him through everything too. it feels like half of me has been torn off, and now it's only been five days and i still can't stop thinking about him. everything i do reminds me of him and for some reason/fault of mine, i can't hate him. i know he hates me, and i want to hate him, but i can't . i try to listen to alanis morrisette and end up turning it off. no matter what he's done to me, i can't stop thinking about him even though i know now that i could never get him back. maybe that's why...it's probably easier wanting something i can't have. i still feel like $hit. maybe i'll go watch grease, haha. sigh. any ideas anyone? lost and still lovestruck, julie

he finally email me today and pretty much this is what he said: all i need is some time to be 19 i will allways have feelings for you i need some time to get less stresed i still whant to talk to you and hang out i just need time. (end) first we were madly in love and now he wants to go? i don't know. this is so confusing. i don't want to 'hang out'. he just dumped me! and this is the first time he has talked/written anything since he called me saying it's over. i did write him a text message on his phone when i knew his friends were there, and they told me that he read it and wouldn't let anyone else see it, then went for a drive to cool off. i feel so unloved. and today a trusted friend told me that all his friends told him to make a list of why he shouldn't date me. i never knew he was so spineless. what happened to him? like i said, all this is so unlike him; it's scary. anytime one of us was having problems we would come talk, but instead he kept it bottled up and laid it on me one day. i love him. and this breakup is destroying me. i was diagnosed w/ major depression a few years ago and have reverted back to my old destructive habits. he was always there as a shoulder to cry on, and now i don't know what to do now that he's not there. i need him back. i feel so hopeless and helpless, juju

yesterday my fiance broke it off w/ me. completely. we met each other in 11 grade and were instantly in love. after a year, we were engaged. and now, after 2 and a half years, he came up to me and said he needed time. i told him no, thinking that 'time' meant the kiss of death, but then he said it's over. i'm so confused. all our friends say that we're soulmates and we'll get back together and that he just needs time to cool off or time to be alone. i feel so betrayed. he never showed any signs of thinking about this. he's always been there for me and i've always been there for him. lately, he wasn't talking to me about his feelings, but i just thought he was stressed out and all of a sudden he breaks it off. i asked my friends and they said that he hasn't returned the ring to the store and doesn't plan to. then today, one of our friends called me and said he wanted us all to hang out "just as friends". i said that i wasn't ready. (my eyes are puffy and my heart is still broken) i'm just so confused and i don't want anything with him unless it's a romantic relationship. he's my first true love and i really want to get back with him, but i don't know what to do. everyone says give it time, but how much? should i wait til he calls me? i miss him and i love him and this is so unlike him. i'm really worried, upset, puzzled, and heartbroken. i can't imagine life without him. i need to be with him. he's my one and only. please help me make sense of this, juju