Not sure what to do

[Bewildered003]

I was living with my boyfriend for two years when he said he thought we should take an indefinite break. That was about a month ago. I convinced him meet up with me in two weeks to see if anything had changed. Two weeks after, we got back together, and I did the best I could to make sure he really wanted this, and I was convinced it was what he wanted. Now, two weeks after getting back together, he says he wants another break. (I don't know if there is any possibility in his mind of us getting back together) I have made it very clear that if he does this this time, I'm not going to get back together with him. I love him and he says he still loves me. We didn't have huge problems in our relationship, just little things. He says he "needs to find himself" and when the time comes that he wants me back, if he wants me back, if I'm there, good and if I'm not it's his fault. It doesn't feel right not to be with him. Part of me tells me that I should just let him go, if he can risk our relationship like this, he's not worth it. But the other part feels like this is horribly wrong. We had a lot of good things going between us and I am not ready to let go. I have a lot of questions about why this is happening. Questions he won't answer- he says he doesn't know the answers. So do I just give it time? And after the time is up, and if he wants me back, do I take him back after telling him that I won't play the games anymore? Do I just try to forget him and try to move on? Is it common for a guy to want to "find himself" or did he get that line from a movie? I do want him back and I feel like it isn't over yet. I just don't know what to do.

 

HELP

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

I can imagine it is confusing.

 

It is okay for a guy to want space. What is not fair is asking you to wait for him.

 

You can give him the space he wants but as soon as he is not present, consider yourself free.

 

He can't put your life on hold. You have your own line and own destiny. You need to make sure you get where you want to be with or without him.

 

In a relationship, it takes two to tango, right? He wants to tango alone or be free? Then do the same: be free.

 

Is it going to take long for him to "find himself"? Well... It could take a whole life time or a couple of months, but the truth is that your life is too precious for you to sit around simply waiting.

 

Respect him, but don't take responsibility for what is happening to him. Focus on your own life instead.

 

He wants it? fine. Get your full freedom and independence back.

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[tiger_lilies]

I agree with Vitalcoaching. If your b/f is trying to "find himself" then you can't force him to stay with you. Making him feel guilty in staying with you will only cause him to resent you in the near future.

 

Generally speaking, especially at your age, it is common for people to go through a transition stage. e.i. If they have been with someone for a long period of time, people tend to forget themselves and who they used to be before getting into a serious relationship. If you lose that sense of yourself, then it makes you question your own purpose in life. Does that make sense?

 

I'm sorry that your b/f is hurting you like this. He probably doesn't know what he wants in life, which makes him want out of this relationship. He can't even give you any straight answers on why he wants to leave.

 

The above is just my opinion and assumption based on your post. If he leaves, know that you can get over this and that you can find someone "better"! Someone who knows what they want i.e. YOU!

[chikubi]

I may seem like the bad guy here, but I know what he's thinking. He is like I used to be. At least the way I read it in your post. He wants to be free while still keeping you on the back burner so to speak. For him, moving on is OK, but it would be devestating for him to see you move on. I've now learned that when 2 people aren't meant for each other, that its best to just break it off and leave it at that. 2 people can love each other without being in love with each other

 

My advice based on my sole experience, is to move on. If he has doubts now (which he seems to call needing time to find himself) then whats to keep him from having similar doubts down the road.

[a_little_sparrow]

I don't think you necessarily need to dump all hope for this guy. Sure there's that whole "back burner" thing where he thinks he can keep you hanging out for some interminable time so that he can find himself. But you can be finding yourself too. And if in the process of finding yourself you realize that you don't want him anymore, then great for you. Right now you might not see things this way, so be honest with your emotions, just don't let any desire you have to get back with him overpower you completely.

 

The most important thing to understand in a break like this, where you want the other person and the other person wants you enough that he's unwilling to completely let go, is what vitalcoaching said: you're both free. You need to do as much for yourself as possible. You can't do anything to help him, but you can do everything to help yourself.

 

Try to look at this alone time as a constructive time for you to learn about yourself. And then whatever comes next (this guy for another try or a new guy), you'll have a new perspective on life.

[Bewildered003]

this has all been very helpful. in many ways I want to move on. one (silly) reason for this is to show him that I don't need him. and i also want to experience what else is out there.

 

any tips for moving on? He just called it quits with me last night and it has taken everything in my power to not call him. It's hard when he was so much a part of my life and now he's all I can think about. Until Saturday, I am taking care of my nephews while their parents are away, so I'm stuck there, can't go out with friends, I'm basically left to dwell on alone.

 

Thanks for the replies. Although it's not what I want to hear, on some level I know its right.

[woobiegirl]

I can understand how "bewildered" you are feeling right now, especially with this "roller coatster" ride your b/f is giving you. You mentioned that the two of you didn't really have any major problems in your relationship, so I'd guess he wants a break to "test the waters" so to speak. Because you've been dating each other since 18, maybe you both are feeling a desire to explore life a bit more....which certainly is better to come to that realization now than investing more years or even worse after marriage. That may also be why he can't give you answers...(or doesn't want to tell you what the real reason is so as not to hurt you). It's harder to be direct and tell the person who loves you that you want to "explore other relationships...but if they don't work out and you discover that you really had the best person for yourself all along, they'd hope you'll be waiting to take them back."

 

Yes, it's not easy to switch from living with someone you care deeply for to coming home to what feels like emptyness everywhere. It's a huge adjustment, but can also be exciting ... as you stated in your post "I also want to experience what else is out there"....which is exactly what you should do rather than sit home and wait for the phone to ring. Particularly with his comment of "he "needs to find himself" and when the time comes that he wants me back, (if he wants me back)...it's a risk he's taking since you may not choose to take him back. You are probably full of mixed emotions right now, and that's to be expected. Although easier said then done,...try to focus on what the future holds for you, which will be whatever you welcome into your new life. The 'ol cliche still holds true...for every door that closes there are new ones that will open for you. There are reasons things happen in our lives, we don't always see the light right away or understand why, but I have come to realize something "good" happens from something "bad"....so look forward to the good.

 

As far as taking care of your nephews, it may be a good time to do some soul searching while reading some self help books on where you want to focus your energy. There is plenty of time for going out to paint the town...

 

Best wishes, keep us posted.

Woobiegirl

[das420]

Keep your head up. I am 23 and about to graduate college. I lived with a girl who I dated for 2 years. She is only 20 and we had been together since the last 3 months of her senior year of high school. We recently broke up, and I was hit with the same lines as you were. Shee needed "time and space", "need to grow up", "and needed to be on my own", blah blah. My best advice would be to keep up hope, but liveyour life. I told her I love her and I hope it works out, but I won't wait forever. I'm not saying you should date again immediatley, or that he is trying to date again. If he is like my girl, then he just wants to go out, and act his age, be irresonsible with no worries. I remember when I was 20 I went through this phase as well. It shouldn't last too long. Just be strong and try to enjoy life. the best way to get back with him is to keep your distance, and eventually (hopefully) he will see what he is missing

[vitalcoaching]

any tips for moving on?

 

Here is an article you can check on that.

 

link removed

 

Good luck

 

vitalcoach

[Bewildered003]

holy crud das420---

 

I'm 20, my now ex is 23 and we also dated for the last 3 months of my senior year (he was only supposed to be a prom date).

 

Just thought it was ironic.

 

Carly (bewildered003)