girlfriend broke my trust 3 times... dont know what to do.

[rama]

well i guess i dont even know where to start, i just feel so hurt inside. i havent yet, but i feel i will soon break up with my girlfriend who i've been dating for about a year and a month now, we lived together while in college and now we are home for the summer. she has been lieing to me a lot and i cannot understand why, i've confronted her on the subject. it first began last december, when i realized that she had been talking to her ex boyfriend behind my back (at this point we were living together). it upset me, but not too much, i didnt want to make a big deal of it, afterall it was just talk. she made me a promise saying she would never talk to him again, and she even told me he was moving to another country. well he did move there but shortly returned. when he came back they were in touch again but i did not have any idea. one day i come back to the house and her cell phone bill is sitting on the kitchen table, and i see many 100 minute or more phone calls to her exboyfriend, i immediately panic. well we got into a huge argument, i decided to trust her once more not to do this, she wrote me a long letter telling me she would never do it again.

well here is a little background on her first i suppose would help... she has some issues with herself.... she was dragged here from india by her dad and hated it when she came here (about 5 or 6 years ago).. and so she didnt really get to finish living her childhood... and she was dating a boy from india for 2 and a half years while she lived here so they just talked online and on the phone when they could... well when they were about to start college, she asked him to move here for her so they could be together.. and well he came here and they had both changed a lot over the years and things werent the same anymore and they went their own ways. about a year after this all happened to her, i met her and we instantly fell in love. well after the 2nd time she promised me that she wouldnt do it ever again, i believed her. i really thought she would change, i thought she would see how much she was hurting me and not want to do that anymore. or so i thought... i found out last night again that she had spoken to him a few times since she has been home for the summer, and well.. i didnt say anything until i was driving home late last night. and so obviously that hurt me alot that she would do that.. and then we broke up. she called me crying and crying begging for my foregiveness... now you have to understand that forgiveness is difficult for me.. i didnt know what to do, she broke my trust so many times. but i love her so much, and i understand that these calls are innocent... i believe that much. but she made the promises to me, i didnt ask for them, she called him in front of me to say she didnt want to talk to him again, i didnt ask her to do this. and then she went behind my back to him again.. and i just cant understand it at all. i asked her so many times and she says that he was just the link to her childhood and her old friends from india and how her friends hate her now b/c she dumped him and such. well, now she is going to see a counseler at my request... and hopefully we can work things out and i hope this will never happen again but i dont know how to trust her anymore... she broke my trust 3 times, and im already a person that doesnt forgive very easily. but i know she loves me, i know i love her and i know this relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to either of us. and i dont want to throw all that away b/c of this. i really dont know what to do, this is the only issue that we have ever fought about seriously. i dont want to throw it away, but i also dont want to be hurt again. what do you all think i should do? thank you for anyone that can advise

[xxatti]

I dont see what the big deal is if she talks to an ex once in a while (hear I say once in a while, not all the time). It is possible for ex's to just be friends, but something is going on if she's talking to him for over 100mins at a time. Plus the fact that she has to hide it from you brings up a BIG red flag in my book. I mean, if they are just friends then there should be nothing to hide. The way I see it she is acting disrespectful towards you. If it were me I would end it with her and let her think about things for a while. She would really have to prove herself to me for me to want to take her back. But thats just me. I say there are WAY too many women out there to let any "one" cause you too much stress. But I do wish you luck, and hope it works out for the better

[TrueHeart]

 

 

This section of your entry disturbs me... Particularily the line where you say that at YOUR request, she's seeing a counselor-- does she NOT recognize that its a problem to want to go on her own?? Also, you said you don't forgive easily??-- You did.... 3 TIMES-- and you DON'T want to throw away a relationship because of trust issues?? Why not? Seems very silly to me, that you might be hanging on to something that isn't there. I am friends with all my x's, but I wouldn't spend 100 minutes (..ahem, thats over an HOUR) several times on the phone.. and innocent?? I don't think so, friend.. I highly doubt that she's spending time talking about how wonderful YOU are to this guy-- especially over an hours worth... and hon, to point something out: She wasn't going to EVER tell you, until you found out and caught her...

 

I know you love her, and I'm sure she loves you-- but I see a disaster happening or already happened. Especially if HER friends are mad at HER for breaking up with HIM.... Gee, thats some compliment to you, huh? I think she needs, and MOREOVER YOU need to sort your life/feelings out. Breaking up with her was the best thing, because there is no other way she will learn because now she's forced to think about it, forced to make a decision about what she needs to do. She's playing you for the fool simply because she knows you love her and will eventually take her back. Thats a comfortable pillow for her to fall on--- meanwhile, still CONTINUING to talk and probably see him, no doubt. Oh, and rama.... one more thing: When she called him in front of you-- I'm starting to think perhaps she DIDN'T really call him, maybe just pretended to just for spite--- or if she did, she was quick to get on the phone with him again to explain why she would say that...

 

She needs to make her mind up, and you've made the right decision by lettin this one go. You cannot allow this to happen-- if you're not so forgiving-- don't be, despite how you feel.... because you'll only make it HARDER on YOURSELF, not her..

 

If she still carries a candle for this guy, let her sort it out. Regardless of whatever excuse she gives you-- what your feeling in your heart is what you should stick to... If you feel like you've been or are being betrayed, chances are.... You're right...

[chikubi]

I dont see what the big deal is if she talks to an ex once in a while (hear I say once in a while, not all the time). It is possible for ex's to just be friends, but something is going on if she's talking to him for over 100mins at a time.

 

See...I have to disagree with you there...sorry to only quote you part of the way. I think it really depends on the person. Myself, I don't like it when my girl talks to an ex and I tell her this. Its not that I don't trust her its that I don't trust him (them). I also think its very 90210 when people think that couples can just be friends in the end. Although it happens, I have RARELY seen it work out. Not to say that at times it doesn't.

 

Personally, when things have ended in a relationship with me, I cut all connections with her. This, I think, makes it easier for both parties to move on, and for new girls and boys to come along. I am sure my current girl is much happier knowing that I have zero communication with my ex. As I am with her having none with hers.

[TheDoctor]

Rama, WOW. Me and you came from the EXACT situation with everyone saying," Well, its just talking to the ex." But its alot more than that. First off I went through such a similair thing actually it was exact so basically I was in your situation except she broke it 2 times instead of 3. And each time she cried so hard claiming shed never do it again and many people told me its just talking to the ex no biggie. But let me tell you what happened. She went behind my back around last September and spoke to him online and I found out from him and he tried to tell me just so Id leave her and I was in shock me and her both were. Then instead of taking time off so I can make my decision I rushed into it and went ehh its not serious grounds for breakup and guess what Rama? I completley UNDERESTIMATED the reality of once trust is broke ITS BROKEN until someone they can fix it which they usually cant. I wish if I could have changed anything it would have been to left her there and then cuz clearly she had feelings for her ex and was in this relationship but it was unfair for me because I always had him swimming like a shark around us. And Rama I tried EVERYTHING to get this girl to stop talking to her ex I even said go ahead and talk to him hoping shed talk and see hes nothing special. And guess what Rama? That day I didnt breakup with her came back to haunt me and it blew up in my face and I dealt with a much harder breakup than I could have ever imagined. Oh yeah and guess what....now that me and her broke up shes back with her ex. Dont underestimate the power of broken trust. It will haunt you....picture her saying shes going out with friends and your home alone...believe me after that I never could trust her again and I know you probably wont either. Sit down and ask yourself....should I go now or enjoy 5-6 more months then have a tidal wave hit me? I say take the wave now and get a little hurt because it sure as HELL beats the tidal wave that I guarantee is coming because afterall...this girl is capable of saying I swear I wont talk to him again but she has broke your trust 3 times...what makes her trustworthy on anything anymore? Leave now brother and its totally normal to be scared

[xxatti]

See...I have to disagree with you there...sorry to only quote you part of the way. I think it really depends on the person. Myself, I don't like it when my girl talks to an ex and I tell her this. Its not that I don't trust her its that I don't trust him (them). I also think its very 90210 when people think that couples can just be friends in the end. Although it happens, I have RARELY seen it work out. Not to say that at times it doesn't.

 

Yes, I agree. It does depend on the person. I think people are misinterpreting what Im saying though. It's one thing to talk to an ex over the phone, but what this girl is doing is TOTALLY unacceptable. As I said before, if it had been me I would've already sent her packing.

[TrueHeart]

I agree 100%- I am friends with my Ex-- so when I get in a relationship with someone, they'll know he and I are just friends, but that means that I have to follow a certain etiquette when you're in a relationship. Some behavior is no longer appropriate when you're already involved... Apparently this girl doesn't seem to think so-- and she's misleading you into thinking its harmless when I guarentee its not.

 

Run away, friend.... Run like the wind...

[rama]

Sorry, haven't been back to this forum recently, I figured I should give some more explanation now. Despite what you all have said I couldn't let her go, it was too hard for me. I told her I don't want this to ever happen again, and I am going to take precautions to make sure it doesn't happen again. So I told her if the relationship she had with me was worth it, she would not sign onto her MSN account anymore. I also gave her a webcam so we could watch eachother when we are talking to eachother. Much of this chat with her Ex on the computer was also while she was talking to me. Although you all think that it is not innocent. That part I believe is true, he has moved back to India and he is living there permanently now, and has moved on from her. She keeps going back to him not the other way around, and the call that she made in front of me, he made it pretty clear that he was no longer interested in her. Its not so much him that I am worrying about, more so someone else that she may meet one day and this huge trust issue. She told me that everytime that we argued she would go and talk to him because there was no responsibiltiy or expectations of eachother and that they mostly talked about politics, stocks, and things of this nature. But of course this is just what she is saying the only fact I know is that she cannot see him because he has moved back to India permanently, this much I know. I am worried about someone else coming by now. Maybe I think too much, who knows. For now we have worked things out in this way, she got a new cell phone and I took her old one for the next week until the contract is up so I can see who is calling, she wanted me to take it. She gave me her account number and pin for her cell phone acct online so I can see the bill whenever I want. She stopped using MSN messenger (which is how she talked to him online). I mean of course she could get a new name on the service, I don't thinks she will. She does value this relationship a lot it seems if she was willing to do all of this. What do you guys think? I've made my decision but I'd like to see what everyone else thinks, thanks everyone!

[TheDoctor]

Denial......its not just a river in Africa.

[xxatti]

Denial......its not just a river in Africa.

 

Lol. Well said. I mean come on bro. Do you really want to live like this? Having to to screen all her calls and everything she does to make sure she's not cheating on you? If there's no trust the relationship is doomed. You go ahead and believe whatever you want to believe. I feel sorry for you.

[TheDoctor]

In way Xatti i feel bad for him...sounds just like me a couple of months ago....I just hope his (as I always say) "tidal wave" doesnt come.... good luck bro