Lost my boyfriend and a friend- nc gets lonely

[Azure13]

My boyfriend broke up with me around the end of March (I have posted about this before) basically because he said he didn't feel anything for me anymore.. that this wasn't meant to be, stuff like that. Basically I was getting mad at him cuz he just stopped talking to me like he did when we were friends around maybe a month and a half into the relationship. Anyway when we broke up, he wanted to be friends, and I am sure he meant it. We were friends for months before we went out, and we will have to see each other at school for two more years. But the reality of the situation is that he still avoids me.. he has said he needs "space" and "time" but to be honest I don't get how much space someone can really need considering I don't think I was smothering him to begin with. I don't know its just he.. hes not there, hes not a friend anymore it feels like, and its really hurting me. I never met anyone like him, and I really loved him, I loved him because he was like a good friend to me and he treated me better than I ever had been treated in a relationship before, and that felt good. He said that we could talk this over again once the summer is over, and school starts again (the relationship stuff). I asked him how do you know if something is meant to be or not (I don't believe in soulmates or fate) and he responded that if we get back together, then we'll know its meant to be. But I miss his friendship, I miss him period. He hasn't been on aim at all, I'm pretty sure hes made a new name just to avoid me; which I don't get why because I was never mean or anything to him so I don't see why hes avoiding me so much when he used to like me so much earlier on the relationship and when we were friends. It hurts I miss talking to him.. but I haven't spoken to him since the last day of the semester May 20th.. and I am sticking by it.. I saw him online maybe once since then and he immediately signed off as soon as I signed on. I have been doing no contact yet feeling bad b/c I really miss him in many ways.. and if he really wanted to be friends why is he so avoident of me.. he has said its hard for him to talk a girl hes done intimate things with bc I was the first one hes done things like that with but I think there's a limit to everything and if he really wanted to be my friend or get back with me eventually, he'd talk to me. I'm just feeling bad about this. We used to be such good friends. I miss him as a boyfriend, and a friend. But I won't contact him.. even though I wonder if thats the right thing to do. We've already drifted far enough apart in these past few months. Maybe by next semester, we'll be like strangers. Anyway he has said that if this works out again then its "meant to be" .. I don't know he has said that maybe we'll get back together or something.. its not definite.. he basically just got scared of the relationship I think because I was his first semi-serious girlfriend.. so now we have no friendship and no relationship, and it really hurts me. For once I tried doing thngs as best as I could and the relationship still fell apart; and the one thing I worried about when he asked me out originally was that it would ruin our friendship. So I'm just down about this.

[wanderingalonenow]

Azure -

 

I don't know how much good advice I can give you, but I can sympathize. I'm still working through a mess very similar to yours. My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of March/beginning of April... a lot of the I love you but I'm not in love with you, there's someone else who I'm starting to have feelings for stuff. I'll admit things weren't going well, but I honestly thought it was just a rough patch. We'd been together for awhile and been through a lot... and never for a second did I see us not being together in the future. Then, WHAM!

 

Afterwards, she said she still cared for me as a dear friend, wanted me to be well, and really would like it if we could stay in touch. But I really didn't want that, at least not for awhile. It hurt too much. She was my best friend in the whole world, and it hurt to be around her, it hurt to talk to her... that really messed me up. I mean, there was this person who meant more than the world to me, but I couldn't associate with her anymore. Talk about confusing. But I knew it was best if I just tried to distance myself from her for awhile. And now, we're actually on decent terms. I still care for her a great deal and would love a chance to be with her in the future... but that time isn't now, and I've accepted that. My acceptance, I think, was by and large a result of getting that distance and being able to regain my composure and strength.

 

So maybe in your situation... while it seems like he's being distant and it comes off as rude... maybe it's a good thing for you right now. I know exactly what it's like to feel like you not only lost your love, but you lost your best friend. But in reality, you can't go back to being best friends right afterwards, I don't think. Both parties (the dumper and dumpee) need some time apart. Use it wisely. Read all the posts here about taking this time to better yourself, for you. I know it hurts... I still hurt sometimes. I still get afraid, because part of me wants to be with her and I don't know if her relationship with the new guy is going to pan out or not. But I'm doing okay. My advice in a nutshell would be: don't force it. I know how he's cut himself off might feel rude and hurtful to you, but maybe it's a for the best. The good thing about friendships (true ones, at least) is that they don't just die (I suppose the same could be said for love... but I'm kinda cynical about love right now). So the time apart won't make a huge difference in the bigger scheme, as far as a friendship goes. And even in the case that you really would prefer to get back together with him above all else... he's making NC pretty easy for you, at least, right? My ex and I had to see eachother every weekday for two months after she broke up with me... and gosh... I really wouldn't wish that on anyone, I died all over again everyday. So use this time that he isn't in contact to your advantage. Read all the posts about people using this time for themselves. I've been working out like a maniac since it happened (although I did lose quite a bit of weight, so I really needed to put some meat back on my bones ), I'm rediscovering my passion for the piano, and I've also discovered that I'm a pretty good writer (started writing poetry). All great things. And to top it off... I came out of the semester with stellar grades, even with all of the grief. I am a much stronger, confident, and self-aware person that I ever was before. I actually think I'd be quite a catch for some girl out there someday... maybe it'll be her, maybe she'll see the new me in the fall and start to doubt her decision (I still would like to be with her)... but I have to at least face that maybe it won't be. And I can face that now. Allllllllll of this good stuff... probably due, at least in part, to being able to get some distance.

 

So while I know it might hurt... take some good away from it. And when you start to get bummed out and need some encouragement, log on here. We're all here for you! Good luck.

[Azure13]

Thanks so much for your reply, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Thats not right about your ex g/f if you're truly commited to someone then you shouldn't start to have feelings for somebody else... I haven't been with my ex for very long.. but I guess I grew attached because we were very good friends for months before hand, and for me it is hard for me to make such a good friend that I have such a nice bond with and can laugh with.. so it was really hard. Its weird that at first I only cared for him as a friend, then as time went on, I started feeling more, and I got used to being treated like a princess and made to laugh everyday. I dunno I guess I thought that when we went out, things would stay that way except obviously we'd be physical and whatnot.. things were like that for like a month and a half into the relationship.. then he started not talking to me very much, suddenly it was like he was a different guy.. just avoiding me and I didn't understand why really.. I know he can't handle relationships he has only had one g/f before me (5 yrs ago and only 3 month long rship).. but still it does hurt you expect someone to treat you the same as when you were friends, I guess. I dunno we were togehter about 3 and a half months before he broke up with me... I don't know I honestly don't think hes completley lost feeling for me or else I don't see why he'd still give some glimmer of hope for us to get back together someday.. he isn't seeing anyone else or anything (as far as I know). But he says he doesn't have feelings for me right now and that right now he doesn't want this to work (always the "right now" I'm not sure if I should like that, or dislike that..) and just wants to be friends. We have been distant ever since the end of march.. we are in all the same classes together at school but suddenly he stopped hanging out with me after we broke up.. and stopped talking.. sometimes not even a hi or bye all day.. however he would sometimes look at me randomly or when I was talking to someone else even if he didn't talk to me all day. I know its that hes not mature enough for relationships and can't handle a relationship.. but it doesn't make it any easier on me. Anyway, yeah.. thats my story..

[wanderingalonenow]

I don't think it's weird that you grew to love him. From what I understand, more than a few relationships evolve that way. That's how my ex and I got started... we grew really close as friends, and I think it got to the point where we knew eachother better than anyone else. Next thing you know... we're together, not too far from falling in love.

 

I wish I could explain why he withdrew all of a sudden. It sounds pretty strange to me, but I don't know him and I don't know what he was thinking. Heh, maybe he wasn't. I don't think my ex was thinking all that much when she jumped for her current bf. It was all about 'ease'. Our relationship wasn't easy anymore, the honeymoon was over, and we were facing some work. I don't think she really wanted that, so vroom, she was outta there. It's really ironic though... she was always harping on me about not being "committed" long-term. She worried that she was wasting her time with me if we were just going to split up when we graduate in a couple of years, and that my not wanting to say "I want to be with you forever" meant that I didn't love her enough. But never once... not when we were arguing, not when I was depressed, never did I stray from her in mind or in body. I never so much as looked at another girl. Turns out that it's her who's running from committment. Turns out it's her who wasn't really in love. But I guess that's life... I'm not so sure she even knows what love is. She just labels what she feels as love... but it isn't love, IMO.

 

Good luck with your ex. Just stay strong. Don't stress too much over the lack of contact. I know you miss him... I know how it feels all too well. But just try to stay busy. It will pass in time. I'm still working through mine and it sounds like our relationships ended right around the same time... but I'm doing better. Just keep at it, post whenever you need to, and we'll all be here