I never got over him... What do I do?

[Ammy]

Hey guys,

 

I met this guy a year ago. I've posted about him before.

 

We met online on this dating site where you chat rather than send emails. Before I knew it we were chatting and texting for hours every day and made plans to meet within 2 weeks. I got sick (conjunctivitis) so had to postpone, and he then was interstate. We finally met 4 weeks in, we were already talking non stop and clearly both very compatible on a "talking" level. In person, there was instant physically chemistry (more so on his part) and he started to text more vigorously and wanted to see me a lot. Anyway after our first date, he sent me a "quirky" love letter (it was like a job offer only re dating... it was in response to some jokes we had about guys needing to write love letters and love songs). Things were going very well.

 

After the 2nd date he texted me and told me he really liked me and had wanted to kiss me and was kinda kicking himself that he didn't. I told him I really liked him too and we would have another chance anyway! He told me he thought I was great and that it was rare to find a girl who got him.

 

We went out again and he did attempt to kiss me. I was VERY inexperienced then (still am to some extent) and when he kissed me I recoiled a bit... nerves!!! The next day he asked me via chat whether I hadn't wanted to kiss him because he had a cut on his lip that might look like a coldsore. I thought that was pretty silly, but just reaffirmed that I did want to kiss him, but had been a bit nervous. He said that was fine, he was just worried that he was headed in the friends zone. I assured him that wasn't the case. That was the Thursday.

 

We went out on the Sunday and his whole demeanor had changed. He didn't attempt to kiss me. I didn't make a move either. After the date he told me we should just be friends because it wasn't headed anywhere romantically. I tried to explain where I was standing, and that I did really like him. He said he didn't think it would work. I got very upset. We never spoke again. I deleted him from my FB a few months later.

 

Now this was all one year ago. I have dated many guys since then. Tried to wipe him from my mind.. but no matter how hard I try, I can't. This guy matched my level of intensity, my humour, my topics of interest. We got on so well, I remember thinking I could never dislike him. He was amazing for those 6-8 weeks we were in contact. I know this is not reality, he could be totally different in time... but what I knew of him was amazing. I have never felt that before with ANYONE. I am an unusual girl in some ways - very few men "get me" and yet he did and he matched my enthusiasm and that is what I liked so much. I find it so hard to find men who like me for who I am, he did.

 

I went to a psychiatrist the other day, not in relation to this, but in relation to my depression. He asked me about relationships and I told him the story. He suggested I swallow my pride and contact this guy again, that if he made me happy, then I should give it another go - after all he did reject me, but I rejected him when he tried to kiss me. I thought that was ridiculous advice... but it has been playing on my mind. I can't forget this guy, no matter how hard I try.

 

What do I do?

 

Please no one judge me. I feel dumb posting this as I feel pathetic and silly...

 

Ammy

[SingleStar]

Dont feel pathetic and silly............. i have a guy like that... its like a little fairytale in your head isnt it.

 

truth is.... could you face the rejection again?

[1ncredible]

If after a year you still have feelings then I guess it's make or break.

 

Either contact him and tell him how you feel and see if he responds. If he doesn't reply then you know where you stand.

 

I personally would just try your hardest to forget about him (you may never get over him completely). Find someone who wants YOU.

 

If he rejects you again, it will be even more painful.

[Ammy]

It makes me so sad to think I might never have that again. I am pretty sure I won't... cos not many men are like that. Not many men get me, or match my intensity and humour.

 

I find rejection hard to handle at the best of times.... and I really don't think he will reply. I even considered writing an email to pretend I wanted to ask him something about his home country (he's from overseas) and tell him I'm travelling there and wanted to know the best spots to see. I am thinking of going there after all... I feel like saying how I feel will come accross as creepy given it was so long ago, and so short term back then... whereas rekindling a friendship with no expectation might work? I reckon he will see through that though.

 

I don't know what to do. I tried to push him away from my mind for sooooo long, but nothing works.

 

Ammy

[rapunzel]

If it has been one year and you have had complete No Contact with this guy then your feelings must have diminished a bit, right? You've dated other guys, you've lived your life for a whole year so you have learned that you can easily live without this guy in your life. If this is the case, then you could contact him without having any expectations of what the results will be, right?

 

If you decide to contact him you must first believe within yourself that you will be fine even if you don't hear from him or if you don't get the results you want. There is a good chance he's with someone else, not interested in hearing from you, and/or only interested in being friends. It has been a whole year after all, and people do move on.

 

If you are feeling solid enough to risk rejection and NOT take it personally then go for it. I read a book that recommends "rejection practice" which will help you learn not to take rejection personally.

 

We all have to risk rejection to find love, it's part of the package. It might be a good character building experience but it's very important to *release* expectations from ANY outcome. This way you will not be disappointed but you will be proud of yourself for taking the risk.

 

If you are really *tied* to and hopeful for a positive outcome, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. But as they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Ammy]

Thanks, this was a really comprehensive response and much appreciated.

 

The psychiatrist did tell me I need to expose myself to rejection because it is a sore point for me. I fear it so much, I dream about it, I get depressed when it happens beyond what is normal etc.

 

I don't even care so much if we don't "get together"... I guess I just want a chance to see him again to decide whether he does meet that "image" I feel I have developed based on the short time we spent together, or whether he is just as big a loser as all the other men I have dated. I have changed a lot in one year, I am more confident now and I know part of the reason he "dumped" me was because I was nervous and kinda inhibited - I'm not these things anymore really.

 

I don't know... I am leaving my decision until I think about it properly, but I appreciate all the responses, it's good to get other opinions cos sometimes I feel like I am totally out of touch.

 

Ammy

[penelope13]

I'd take the risk fully expecting a rejection. - Whatever happens in that case will be either as expected, or more positive. I agree that learning how to cope with rejections is a big part in life, in any aspect and it's better to learn this lesson as soon as possible.

 

It's of course entirely possible that your recollection of him is more romanticized than the actual version of him: it's nice when you are going through troubles in your dating life, to have a fallback fantasy to keep up your spirits. The possibility of seeing him for who he is might also help you in your future approach to dating by not having too high expectations on one side and on the other side to be more open to show who you really are, rather than trying to 'buy' a guy by being too nice to them and trying to somewhat 'earn' their affections.

[lkm370]

take the risk, rejection gives you closure to move on, i had someon like that, i pined 2 years over her, when i finally met up i was rejected and i got full closure and moved on easily

[KH26]

I agree with everyone else, contact him but be prepared for rejection. Like someone else said, he might have found a girlfriend by now or might not be interested in dating at the moment. But whatever happens hopefully it will give you some closure and maybe you can move on from him then.

 

Good luck!

[mmmd]

been there. it sucks. a lot.

 

then it sucks some more.

 

such is life.

[Shallow]

I am an unusual girl in some ways - very few men "get me" and yet he did

I've been on about this for days now, I know how you feel.

 

Please no one judge me. I feel dumb posting this as I feel pathetic and silly

No one will judge you, and don't get more down on yourself. I'm not going to go into details again here (I made a thread about it already, look it up if you want), but I let a similar opportunity go by about 20 years ago, and just recently started dwelling on it since I've been unable to really connect with anyone since. I still don't think it was to be, but I always think I could've done more. I'd say give it a go and see what happens. Living with regret is far worse, I can tell you that without hesitation.

[Ammy]

Thanks guys, yes I do think I need to contact him. I will never get it out of my system otherwise.

 

Should I be upfront or should I make it out like I'm just emailing as a friend to ask about his home country? I prefer option 2 because I think he will get scared off if I try to restart a relationship, better to start as friends, that's all I want right now anyway until we spend more time together.

 

Oh and he doesn't have a gf, he is still online on the site we met on and I can see his FB (even though we're not friends)... I'm 80% sure he won't reply anyway though, I don't know what flicked the switch between falling head over heels for me and dumping me, but I think he also has "issues" because he used to be so neurotic with me... It doesn't bother me that he has issues though as I like him the way he is... but I wonder if these were what got in the way the first time, honestly I have no idea....

 

Thanks again guys,

Ammy

[Shallow]

Should I be upfront or should I make it out like I'm just emailing as a friend to ask about his home country? I prefer option 2 because I think he will get scared off if I try to restart a relationship, better to start as friends, that's all I want right now anyway until we spend more time together.

I wouldn't be too upfront about it right off the bat . . . you're probably right about scaring him off. Just casually contact him, gauge his receptiveness, then decide when (if) to step it up.

[Ammy]

I guess I have to prepare for the worst... that is he doesn't reply or if he does it's bland and wishy washy and we never get anywhere. What do I do then? How do you get over someone who you know was exactly what you wanted when there is no one else around you that you feel can play that part again? I have been dating for years now and never found anyone even close to him in terms of interesting me.... Do some people never get over someone? I don't think I can handle that for the rest of my life.

[bebeblondie]

I guess I have to prepare for the worst... that is he doesn't reply or if he does it's bland and wishy washy and we never get anywhere. What do I do then? How do you get over someone who you know was exactly what you wanted when there is no one else around you that you feel can play that part again? I have been dating for years now and never found anyone even close to him in terms of interesting me.... Do some people never get over someone? I don't think I can handle that for the rest of my life.

 

I know it's hard to believe right now, but trust me if it doesn't work out, you will get over him! I've been there, I've met a couple of men who I thought were perfect for me and when we broke up I was devestated and thought I'd never find anyone again. It takes time, but once you find someone you're really into again (and you will) this guy will become a distant memory.

[lila...]

I know it's hard to believe right now, but trust me if it doesn't work out, you will get over him! I've been there, I've met a couple of men who I thought were perfect for me and when we broke up I was devestated and thought I'd never find anyone again. It takes time, but once you find someone you're really into again (and you will) this guy will become a distant memory.

 

I agree, I think that you will eventually get over him. I think that part of the reason you haven't gotten over him is because you haven't met someone who "gets" you like he did, who's compatible with you and with whom you share that intense chemistry. But you will. I felt the same way after a breakup and even wrote a thread about him asking whether it was possible to find someone better...because I was convinced I would never find someone as special as him. And yes, no two people are alike, you won't share the same experiences you had with that person with someone else, but who's to say they won't be even better? My ex is a distant memory now and I feel ridiculous for putting him on that pedestal, I've since met plenty of guys who have far surpassed him in every regard.

 

But, you probably won't stop wondering what if so to put your mind at ease then I think you should contact him, and regardless of what happens, at least it will help you get closure.

[tf987]

Hard to say why he withdrew but I'd say its worth a shot if you still have him on your mind. If your therapist knows you well and understands how you work then maybe the advice wasn't so bad - unless it is the very first time he/she ever worked with you.

 

Nothing ventured - nothing gained

[Ammy]

Thanks bebelondie and Bubalu, your posts give me hope that I can get over this... You're right, I just haven't met anyone decent since, and that makes me think there isn't anyone... I just need to have some faith.