Begging and bugging after a break up is such a waste of time so why do we do it?

[Blackey]

My ex has dumped me about 4 months ago, just like most of you, for the first month or so i kept on calling her, begging her to come back and bugging her, telling her how much i love her, need her and the rest of this bullsh*t.

It was the first time i was actually dumped, usually i did the dumping so i never had to deal with the post break up symptoms (broken heart effect), so i did not really know what should i do in this case and just went embarrassing myself and shattering me ego even more than it was already shatterd, hoping her to take me back.

 

In retrospect, i think to myself, "what the hell was i thinking, why did i do all of this begging and embarrassing myself?"

If you think about it, not only that begging and bugging the ex will not bring the ex back in the big majority of the cases, but also it will push the ex away from you because she will see how weak and pathethic you are, and nobody like weak, pathethic, needy people, that is a fact, so as a result you will just embarrasse yourself and kill your ego even more.

 

So when i look back i just think to myself how much of a waste of time and effort it was, it was completely usless and absolutely harmful, and yet i engaged in it out of lake of the proper knowledge about break ups.

I came to the conclusion that people who are going through a break up for a second time, and still bag, did not learn much from their previous break up experience.

 

Yes, i know it is hard to keep it inside, yes i know that you feel like there is a chance that the ex will come back if you gonna keep on calling the ex and tell the ex how much you need or love the ex, but NO, it will not bring the ex back, but keep the ex further away from you in the big majority of the cases.

 

I know one thing, i will really hope that i will not have to go through break ups again, and that the next person will be the person who will stay with me forever, but if i will have to go through a break up again, when i see that it is over, i will put a poker face, shut all of my emotions inside, and will not beg or contact this person anymore,i will not chase this person in anyway, and i will solve the stressed that has resulted from keeping it all inside rather than trying to beg the ex for a chance.

 

For all the newly separated people, do yourself a favour, i know it is extremely hard, but do not contact and beg your exs, it will not help you in anyway, it would only make you feel much worst and lower your self esteem.

 

How many of you looking back realizing the the begging and the bugging part during the initial period of the break up was completely waste of time and effort and completely unnecessary ?

[restingpieces]

Um, well, with this most recent break-up, I never begged - outside of the actual moment we broke up. However, I did stay in contact with him (because of the circumstances we broke up on) to check in with him and see if he was doing well, to remind him I loved him, that I'd be there for him through his hard time (I don't regret this; he loved me) but he still eventually said the more I kept talking to him (despite his lack of sass in our general post-BU contact) the more he never wanted to speak to me again and that I needed to do what he was doing: move on. It was kind of a cocky move on his end, as if I couldn't move on all the while making sure someone I cared about, romantically or not, was working on his issues. I'd love to assume what his logic is but whatever I would come up with could never be confirmed, so what would be the point? So, I can't say its the pathetic begging that pushes anyone away... it's that when someone wants to go walk away, they just do. Regardless of your reaction or actions following the break-up, they're going to keep walking and we'll never come to understand their thoughts unless they explicity explain them.

 

Just the other side of the coin.

 

Everything a dumpee does - intentional NC, LC, begging/pleading... all unnecessary. It accomplishes nothing; you aren't pushing them away, they're already gone. We just need to realize that when someone is willing to risk losing you forever and throws out the fateful words to result in a relationships end, we lose control of the situation and should focus on the things we can: us.

[jimmajam]

Just the other side of the coin.

 

Everything a dumpee does - intentional NC, LC, begging/pleading... all unnecessary. It accomplishes nothing; you aren't pushing them away, they're already gone. We just need to realize that when someone is willing to risk losing you forever and throws out the fateful words to result in a relationships end, we lose control of the situation and should focus on the things we can: us.

 

I never full out begged, but I did stay in contact and I did tell my ex I loved her, wanted her back, etc. The day of and the first week I did some begging...I dont regret it. I think it's natural to do that and healthy to do that at the start. I do regret for apologizing for everything, even things that I shouldn't have had to apologize for because she was wrong. I regret repeating some things over and over too. If I could do it all over I would do what I did the first week or two, then tell her I loved her, what she meant to me and that I didn't want the break up, and let her go.

 

Awesome point right there restingpieces. It's hard to understand, and it's even harder to follow, but it's true. I don't think anything the dumpees do helps or even hurts to be honest. They decided to leave and they do risk losing them. It might not seem like a big deal since they were the dumper, but at one point they loved the dumpee and they probably still do to some degree. If they realize they made a mistake, or they just weren't ready to settle down there is no guarantee the dumpee would take them back. In time nothing you do or didn't do will probably matter. The only thing that matters is if they get it in their mind and their heart that they want to come back and work things out. Until that happens, if it ever happens, you can only control yourself like restingpieces said.

[yonanz]

i begged for 4 days after the breakup before intiiated strict NC. i dont regret it; i think its sth natural we all do. begging shows that we do care and its a natrual reaction after all.at least i dont wanna look bac and wonder if doing anyhing could have saved that r/s, i wanted to be dead sure that despite my best efforts the r/s cant be saved.

 

looking back of course i find it kinda silly definitely. no amt of of begging [i even did a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle and drew a portrait of us together] could bring us togehter again at that point of time, but at least i knew i tried my best. no regrets.

[vonsalome]

We beg because we truly loved the person, and because we are the dumpee. Not only do we have to go through the pain of losing the relationship and this person who we have loved, but we have to go through all the self esteem issues as well of being rejected and seen as not the one or unwanted somehow.

 

Also, "bargaining" is one of the stages of grief, and as the person who is being left, you are trying anything possible to stop the pain of the breakup and avoid the grieving process.

 

Unfortunately, yeah, the begging and destructive behaviors usually only seem to damage the dumpee's already damaged self esteem and convince the dumper of the rightness of their decision. Best to live and learn and the next time, not necessarily repress the emotions (repressing isn't healthy), but at the very least, act with self respect and not beg, watch the person walk out the door, and grieve privately with friends and family, not in front of the dumpee.

[jettison]

Because you don't know any better? When we're that emotional, we lose sight of rational thinking and do and say crazy things. I know that I committed a million mistakes after one particular breakup. Two breakups later? Not a one. Really though, who cares. We're all broken up either way. So whether you go out like a drunken cowboy, or a librarian in the middle of a nap, what's the difference? Your dignity? Anyone can afford to lose a little face in this world.

 

Sometimes I almost respect the me that acted like a whackjob more then I respect the last me who went straight NC and never offered up a damaging word. At least I was honest with my craziness? Was this last time honest? Pretending to not be affected? Maybe that big lesson I learned was for nothing at all, and she was the woman who would have responded positively to a huge outpoor of emotion and caring. Every situation is different, as is every partner. Sure, the percentages are likely 90/10 in favor of some type of immediate NC, but who knows...