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Feeling like I'm boring to most people which adds to my loneliness.


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I don't know what's wrong with me really. All of my life I've been pretty much a loner. I'm very quiet and not very social. Even when I try to be more outgoing, I never seem to make any friends. It seems like I'm invisible to most people. I don't know if it's from me being too quiet and reserved. It just seems like no one is ever interested in becoming friends with me or socializing with me. Don't get me wrong I have a couple of friends from high school but even with them, they have their own lives and I can't talk to them or hang out with them as much like we did back in the day.

 

I'm feeling really lonely, I go to work and I have no problem socializing with people.However no one seems interested in hanging out with me outside of work. I'm not a very forward person, I never ask anybody for phone numbers to talk unless they ask me lol .I just have this weird feeling of rejection if I ask. The same way with school back in the day, I don't know why it was so easy for everyone to get their own cliches of friends while it's very hard for me. Even when I make friends, people just seem to disappear out of my life as soon as they came.

 

I'm wondering if maybe I'm just a boring person?? I'm pretty much a loner and I'm not really caught up in the things of this world much. I do like to go out to the movies etc etc every now and then, but other than that I just spend most of my times home and reading a book or on the internet but now even I'm starting to get very bored with that. I'm also shy in some situations and interacting with people in a new environment is hard which is why I stay to myself most of the time. So I don't know why I can't make friends..

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This might sound weird, but if you're looking to develop some social skills it might be helpful to start with older people. Once you've enjoyed the comfort and relaxation of being yourself around mature people who you've come to admire and respect, you may find it easier to reach toward bonding with people your own age.

 

If there is a club or community group or something local you can join with older people in it, they tend to be less focused on concerns about whether you're 'likeminded' or have kids to share playdates or offer something socially to boost their own agendas. This isn't meant to generalize or imply that older people don't have standards. I've just always found older friends to be more about the heart and finding joys and humor in simple things--less about finding specific 'uses' for someone in order to incorporate them into their lives.

 

Nothing like having a team of wiser folks on your side, encouraging you to do scary things and helping you to see yourself as intelligent and generous and valid. Whenever I'm feeling stressed by the dramas of my peers, I can go sit at a table and paint a bowl with people who know how to put perspective on that stuff.

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There's nothing in your post which suggests you're boring, at all! I think it can also be useful to differentiate between solitude and loneliness; solitude being the kind of healing space where we can be true to ourselves, completely independently of others, without experiencing it as deprivation. Loneliness suggests deprivation, and is an unhappy state to be in. From your post, you have experience of both.

 

If you have always been a loner, chances are that you give off an air of detachment which means that others don't necessarily realise that you want to be friends with them; for example, if we appear very self-contained then people assume our interests lie elsewhere and it doesn't occur to them to include us in their plans.

 

As regards your high-school friends; friendships change over time, as circumstances change, and we converge and diverge over the years. For now, though, is there someone in particular you'd like to be friends with, or is it just a more general feeling?

 

If the latter, what are your interests? You say you read, or spend time on the internet, but what are you reading about? Is it something that could be shared with others? Interacting with others in a new environment can be very hard if you're just making small talk, but can be very much easier if you have a common interest or project to focus on and therefore less time to feel self-conscious.

 

If there are people at work you'd particularly like to socialise with, and they have their own friends - you will need to make the first move. It needn't be anything overly involved or heavy - just going out for a drink or a coffee would be a good start, as a natural extension from being at work.

 

Anyway, good luck, whatever you decide to do!

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Debra, I totally understand where you're coming from. I've felt that way, too. One thing that helped me was taking the Meyers-Briggs test and figuring out my personality type. I joined a mailing list for my "type" and we all seem to share a vague sense of alienation. It might not be a "type" thing, but it is somehow heartening to know that there are plenty of other people who can't seem to make friends, and they are funny, warm, intelligent, awesome people.

 

It's so hard to meet people. I'm trying to make myself a regular at the local coffeeshop, make good eye contact with people, and act open to conversation. There's also a book club I'm thinking of joining. Little things. I'm aiming to make acquaintances, so that takes the pressure off a bit. Time will tell who becomes a friend. Just go places you feel comfortable and let the universe know you are here!

 

I hope you find a way that works for you. Do you have a dog? Dogs are great for making friends. Good luck...

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WOW! This sounds just like me. Put me online and I have no problem...put me in a room full of people and I'll usually be the one standing by the food/drink table trying to figure out what spices are in the vegetable dip. In smaller groups, I usually do okay, but even if someone says "We'll have to get together sometime," I know it's just being polite because it's hard to get together if they don't even have my phone number or email.

 

The thing is I HAVE kids and have NEVER "hung out" with any of their friends' parents or anything, other than 1, and she's a social butterfly. Hubby and I joined our community bowling league and I thought maybe I'd get to be "friends" with some of the other couples there, but no such luck. Unfortunately, she moved away. I'm the parent that other parents will look at and say "Oh, you're X,Y,or Z's mom" and that's about it. We have polite conversation at games, but never more.

 

I can honestly say I have 1 "friend" that I can call up when I need to talk and I've known her almost 30 years. We truly have one of those connections where we know when the other one needs to talk, even before they call, we're THAT close, almost like twins. People even think we're sisters, even though we look NOTHING alike. If anything ever happened to her, I don't know what I would do, it would be like a part of me died.

 

I'm so tired of people telling me to join a club, start scrapbooking (the BIG thing in my area for moms--UGH!), take a class, whatever. I have 3 kids in sports and a husband who travels quite a bit for work... I have no time for a club or class, and I've tried scrapbooking-not my thing as I'm not crafty or artistic(not to mention EXPENSIVE!!!).

 

Debra, have you seen a therapist for social anxiety disorder? I have (well, I have other issues as well) and it sounds like that may be your problem too. If you have the means, it might help. Miss Macaroni had good ideas as well...I think I may try them myself

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