I'm new to this forum

[just_G]

Hello,

I am new to this forum but have been posting on another forum for about a year.But thought I would try this forum out to see what your advise might be.

 

My husband had an affair about 17months ago and I find myself not being able to get over it.

The anger inside of me is eating me alive.I feel it may be time for me to leave but it is so hard because we have been together for 27yrs.

My kids are all angry at him,they want me to leave,I feel like my whole life has just fallen apart and I dont know how to stop it.

 

Any advise on how you start over after 27yrs??

[xxatti]

Your problem is even more complicated because you have to consider your kids. So I wouldnt feel right giving you any advice. But I dont think I would stick around and subject myself to what you're going through. I mean, Its been a over a year and 1/2 and you still havent got past it.

[lisaria]

Hi g,

I am so sorry. When someone you love cheats on you it does something strange to your soul, to your life, to YOU. It makes you feel like you are not good enough. Like you are NOTHING. HOW DARE HE DO THAT? Why do they do that? I'm sorry. I went through that and it was with my lover not my husband and it still felt like a knife through my whole being. I could not imagine someone doing that to me after so many years. How have you made it this far? What do you do to get through it?

I left my ex after I found out about his affair after only a month? I couldn't imagine living with it for a year. What have you done to keep your sanity?

I don't know what to tell you...except that if you want to talk I am here. I don't know if there is anything to say that will help you get through it, but it's hard. As if you didn't already know that....there is nothing that will make it any easier. No special words. No special prayer. No special spell that will take it away. It is all up to you. What you choose to do is up to you, but we will be here. I wish I could give you a magic formula to make it all right, but there is nothing that will. Good luck and please get up here if you ever feel like you have to vent. We are all here in similar situations of some kind. Best wishes to you.

lisaria

[1Adam12]

Have you or your husband gone to counseling or worse I guess consulted a divorce attorney..do you want to stay married to a man who cheated once and could always do it to you again??

[just_G]

Hey All thanks for the replies.

No we have not gone to councling He wont!!! Says he does not need anyone to tell him what to do and does not want to tell a stranger our problems.

 

How have I made it??

I dont know all I do know is that the anger in me is worse today than it was the day I found out.

 

I'm not sure what I want,somedays I want to try and make it because of the long history together but other days I just want out.I am afraid,I have never been alone,we were high school sweethearts I got pregnant and we have been married since we were 16 and 17yrs old.

 

I guess I just need to vent once in awhile and hate to bother the same people with it.

 

It is true this is the hardest thing in life to deal with,I think I could have gotten over his death faster than this

[OceanEyes]

Even though I am much younger, less experienced in life, and in love, and unmarried, I have a friend who went through something similar. They've been dating seriously for about 8 years (high school sweethearts like you guys), and she's said a couple of times, "I am so scared to try living my life without him, even though I know he's not the man I should be with. He doesn't make me happy anymore and I don't love him like I should." Sound familiar?

 

I doubt that there is anyone here who can actually tell you what to do. These decisions, although they may be influenced by those we love or receive advice from, are always made from within your own heart and soul. But it still helps to know that there are people out there on your side. And believe me, there are plenty of women (and men) who have been in your shoes and ARE on your side!!

 

He was unfaithful, and even after 27 years of being together, he refuses to seek professional help? Even for your sake, to help you deal with the situation? I don't want to sound bitter here, but why the hell not? What has he got to lose besides his stupid pride? He sounds selfish and arrogant. You've already been betrayed, and he isn't making the effort necessary in helping you at least try to move past it. After a year and a half, you should at least be finding it easier to cope. It doesn't sound like you are.

 

Do you want to look back, when you are an old lady and regret staying in an unhappy marriage for so long? For depriving your human right to happiness and having someone in your life who is going to treat YOU as you deserve to be treated? You sound like a lady with a lot of love to give, and definitely someone who values their partener to be honest and faithful.

 

By him refusing to seek professional help, all this is doing to you is helping you to resent him more and more every day. It doesn't even sound as if this is effecting him, but it's going to drive you insane, and waste years of your life worrying, suspecting and hurting. Is it worth it?

 

He can't just expect you to 'move on' if he's not going to help you do it. By him behaving this selfishly, he's basically saying, "it happened, deal with it". Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life? Resenting a man with no honour? I am sorry to say so, but it doesn't sound like he does. A real man, even though he may make mistakes, will do his best to make them right.

[just_G]

For being young you sound like you are full of wisdom.

 

Everything you said was so true.

I questions daily what I want out of the rest of my life.I do know I want happiness and now I am trying to figure out how to achieve this.

 

I do not know if it will be with my husband or without but I do know that I want so much more than what I have right now.

 

I want to have fun,be in love and live life to the fullest until the day I die.

 

My husband told me once that he would spend the rest of his life making this up to me,once in a while I will remind him of these words and tell him if this is his way of making it up to me I dont want it.It only makes me feel like I dont matter.

 

I want to matter,I want someone to fight for me.

 

Yes I do believe I have alot to give to a person that would want it.The problem now is I dont know if I could ever trust anyone with my heart again including my husband.

[OceanEyes]

I want to matter,I want someone to fight for me.

 

Yes I do believe I have alot to give to a person that would want it.The problem now is I dont know if I could ever trust anyone with my heart again including my husband.

 

We all want someone to be there, to stick by our side and root for us. And why not? You married this man in the first place for just that; love, companionship, protection, and compassion. What hurts the most is that someone you've depended on for these things has pretty much gutted you and left you to deal with matters on your own. You simply can't move past this without him making an effort to help you through the rough patches. If he told you this: "I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you", then hold him to it. He was lucky enough in the first place to have someone like you give him another chance.

 

He messed up. He's broken your marriage vows, and has made another one, to make it up to you. To try. If you don't see him holding up his end of the bargain at all costs, I would find some way to leave. Just get out. There is no easy way to say it, but if he doesn't make the effort you need to heal and move on, you are going to spend every day in pain and regret. Why live like that? Why waste your time and love on someone who can't reciprocate it?

 

You mentioned above that you didn't know whether or not you could ever trust someone again with your heart. If you do make the choice, and it's only you who can make it, to leave your husband, always remember that not every man cheats. In fact, in my experience, women tend to cheat just as much as, or even moreso than men do! You will learn to love again, even if it takes some very close personal reflection. It sounds dubious, but be selective and know that there is definitely someone out there who will love and respect you the way you want it, and the way you need it.

 

Life is what you make it ... if you stay with your husband, living each day unhappy, doubtful and suspicious, you're never going to be happy. Figure out what is going to make you happy! Good luck!

[just_G]

I have thought alot about leaving even talked about it w/my 16yr old after all she would have to go with me or stay with her dad.She says she will go with me.

 

I think I need to be alone,he still is making no effort at all to change and make our life better.

It is hard to think you spent your whole life with someone planned for a future together and then its just gone.

 

I guess that shows me never to put all that I have into one person.

 

I am trying to do more for me and find things that make me happy,I think a change will be the start of that.I love my job here and that is all I like about where I live.It will be hard to say goodbye to my co-workers and leave my job but it will not be hard to leave this town.I used to beg him to move and he never would.

 

He does not take me seriously about me leaving tho.He says that we will just be apart until he can get a transfer I am not sure.How hard will he really work on getting a transfer and how will I know what he is doing w/his time while I am gone.He will be alone to do what he wants.

 

I am not rushing into this descision after all like a good friend said to me,I can always leave but I may not always be able to come back I need to make sure this is really what I want.

The one thing I do know that I want and that is to be happy,I have been unhappy for so long that I really dont know what it is like to live happy anymore.

 

Thanks for all your advise.You are a very wise person.