I broke NC, and it wasn't worth it

[QuirkyCute]

Hi all. My boyfriend, the dumper, initiated NC immediately after we broke up. Whenever he has seen me since then, he walks the other way, totally ignoring me. Until today, there had not been a single peep either way.

 

I like to go through the posts here to find situations that resemble my own, and I always come accross posts from people who have been absolutely gutted by their ex, while it appears that their ex is off without even a twinge of the sadness and hurt that we, the dumpees, feel.

 

Well, I got angry. I don't understand how someone who claimed to love you could think that never speaking to you again would be the kindest, gentlest, and BEST thing. I never even got a "good" reason for the relationship to be over.

 

So, I sent a text. Just one word. It said "Coward". And he is a coward. However, it wasn't worth it. As these things go, I felt better at first, and now I want to burst into tears, not because of the text, but because of all the feelings behind the text. I just don't understand how someone could do this to another human being. To me, it's kind of pathological and scary that someone could end a relationship with someone they claim to love, and just run away, never speaking to or seeing that person again.

 

I don't get it. However, it wasn't worth it, and I won't let my feelings get the best of me again. Someone, please tell me this gets easier.

[Brownstone322]

... it wasn't worth it, and I won't let my feelings get the best of me again. Someone, please tell me this gets easier.

I don't know how or why some "dumpers" choose to be so cruel, heartless and robotic. I just know (firsthand and anecdotally) that some do. You are in fact not alone.

 

And it does get better. It'll just take all of your emotional strength to get from here to there. But you'll get there.

[majord23]

So, I sent a text. Just one word. It said "Coward". And he is a coward. However, it wasn't worth it. As these things go, I felt better at first, and now I want to burst into tears, not because of the text, but because of all the feelings behind the text. I just don't understand how someone could do this to another human being. To me, it's kind of pathological and scary that someone could end a relationship with someone they claim to love, and just run away, never speaking to or seeing that person again.

 

I don't get it. However, it wasn't worth it, and I won't let my feelings get the best of me again. Someone, please tell me this gets easier.

 

Firstly, don't beat yourself up over the text. You felt pain and anger and you acted on it....to be honest, there are a lot worse texts you could have sent and (to be honest), I smiled when I read your post - I think you did something that a lot of people would like to be able to do in your situation - vent, whilst not going into an emotional rant.

 

So, by all means, feel bad for having broken NC...but take the positive from it as well - you did not compromise your dignity and you called your ex out on behaviour that was outright rude. Well done you.

 

As time goes by, I can't see this as being something you'll regret as much as if you had sent something different.

 

To answer your question, yes...it does get easier. You'll read that and you won't believe it. I know at the moment you probably can't see an end to this darkness....but it *will* come, I promise you that.

 

Today was a blip, but if you learn from it then it most definitely was not a mistake.

[Tasha1675]

I don't understand how or why some dumpers act this way either. My ex hasn't spoken to me since he broke it off almost 6 months ago and it has been so so hard for me to stay strong and not break the NC. When he ended it he said he 'really loved me' he cried, I cried, it was just awful. He even said it wouldn't be the last time I heard from/saw him. Yet he hasn't checked to see how I am once! The only time he did, was 3 months ago when he emailed my best friend to ask if I was OK! He also said he still loved me then too.

 

I don't know about your situation but for me I think my ex had a hard time ending the relationship as I do believe he loved me and I just think the NC was for his benefit. He needed to heal from the relationship as well and he saw it as the only way.

 

I also think he is staying away now as he thinks it is for the best. I do feel he is a bit of a coward like your ex though!

 

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant wasn't it!

[Tasha1675]

Also, I forgot to say - don't feel bad about breaking NC. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and understandable.

 

It does get easier, it just takes time and these feelings and emotions that you go through are all part of the healing process.

 

You'll get there

[Is]

Is not a mistake if you learn from it. Everyone makes mistakes at times, but if you learn from it is never going to be a mistake. Even though you sent the text, you still have self control. You could have sent something nasty, but you didn't. Good Job. Continue on your NC and good luck.

[jettison]

This isn't so bad. I guarantee that sticks with him, especially if it comes with no followup up or further qualifiers to take the sting away. A simple text of "coward" is pretty powerful in it's simplicity, and although the message is clear, it will also force him to think at some point.

[Tanzi]

Some dumpers find it difficult to face up to the pain they have caused. To avoid feeling any guilt over the situation that they have primarily caused they put on a "its over, move on, get over it" exterior. That may not match how they really feel inside. I doubt your ex would have forgotten how he once felt about you and I'm sure if he were to allow himself to he would feel guilt for the pain he has caused. Try not to take his actions too personally (I know that that is easier said than done). Try to look at it that this is his way of coping with his own emotions. And as others have said, don't feel bad about breaking NC. We have all done it or something equally as regrettable but your text was very short and to the point ... it could have been far worse. In fact if anyone ever was to break NC and send a text ... its almost the perfect text to send. So don't feel bad ... let it be a lesson to you. And yes it gets a hell of a lot easier.

[deecbee]

Hi Quirky,

 

I can relate to your situation. I was “dumped” about 4 weeks ago after my ex and I had taken a trial-separation period. He had lost his job and was losing his mind, and after ONE therapy session decided that it’s best we end it for good. He claimed he was upset by his realization, but has since confused me by sending a mushy text on my birthday, and (when I didn’t respond) blocking me on Facebook. Now it seems like it’s “out of sight, out of mind” for him and it just crushes me.

 

It does suck breaking NC, but I think if you really felt you had to do it, you said the right thing. At least you weren’t begging or pleading for him to talk to you! You kept it short and to the point, and trust me, I’m sure it bothers him because he knows he hurt you. I find it so selfish that some dumpers try to smooth over their guilt by pretending that nothing ever happened. You reminded him that something did! Just be sure to leave it at that- no more contact. I noticed whenever I broke NC and didn’t hear back from him, it would start a chain reaction of more and more texts/emails from me. In the end nothing was accomplished but a deep feeling of humiliation and putting the control of the situation in his lap!

 

I'm on day 24 right now, and while I still do get those pangs of sadness, they are fewer and farther between. And even though I'd like for him to make contact, I really have no urge to contact him. I don't even know what I'd say. It will gradually get better. I promise.

[QuirkyCute]

Thanks everyone for the kind replies and understanding. I guess I'm feeling...disappointed in myself. I always thought that my resolve was stronger than that. I kept telling myself that someone so cruel shouldn't get the benefit of my communication/acknowledgement, but here we are. Naturally, he did not respond to the text (and what would he say, anyway?), and he will not receive any further correspondence from me.

 

I feel better knowing that I am not the only person to have this happen to them, and this most certainly will serve as a lesson to me. But...this still hurts, really, really bad. Granted, it hurts less everyday, but.....it still hurts.

[fLuiD]

All of this serves to teach you a little more about yourself. Amazing that you have seen each other so often and not broke NC until today. That in itself deserves all the kudos in the world, so kudos to you champ!

 

Come up with a bit of a plan on how you will deal with the urges to contact him. Analyze how you felt moments before sending the text and learn to recognize when those feelings are creeping up on you again. You need to come up with a plan and say 'Whenever I feel like I am going to break NC, I will ________________________ instead.' Fill in the blank with put my phone away, take a walk, scream, pull my hair or whatever else you want. The idea is to stop yourself short of breaking NC. When you master this ability, you will feel a HUGE rush of adrenaline knowing that you are in control of yourself. Give it a shot and practice practice practice!

 

BTW...it does get easier. But you must be patient and let time work its magic. Time is the simple solution for everything! Healing, understanding your break up, etc... It will come with time.

[QuirkyCute]

Fluid, usually when I have gotten the urge to break NC in the past, I have called a friend instead (actually, calling my mom is what does the trick). But, this time, I felt that I had to send the text. He won't get any further correspondence from me, and I know that I am in control of myself because I not only didn't contact him when I have felt the urge to in the past, but I thought about sending this text for a couple of days before I actually did it. I told one of my best friends that I sent it, and she said, "Oh, that's not so bad. Consider it a friendly reminder." That works for me

 

Oh, and about time working it's magic, I REALLY wish it would hurry up.

[StandTall]

I got dumped by phone about a week ago, only to learn that she has a date with someone new this weekend! Words cannot explain the anxiety and pain I am feeling. I have been trying to come up with any excuse in the book to call her today and see if she has come to her senses, but somehow have managed to not do it. I asked her days ago to please not call or text me as I need time to heal, yet I think I would love nothing more than a call right now. I am trying to realize that I am now dealing with a cold and abrupt person, not the loving and nurturing woman I thought I knew. Xanax isn't even doing much to calm my nerves at this point.