Needing advice

[adviceneeded78]

Ok, before you start reading this, yes I am an ass.

 

I met my recent fiancee online about 3 1/2 years ago. About 9 months before meeting my current fiancee, my previous girlfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me. In between I was seeing a number of other girls mostly to get over the first.

 

When I met my current fiance I wasn't attracted to her physically. I was attracted to her personality and intelligence, but mostly wanted to get her in bed. Well I got her in bed but in doing so she fell in love with me. I felt bad and also started developing feelings for her too.

 

Then I thought, if she has likeable personality and intellect, perhaps I can help her with her looks. She was a pretty good size when we first met. So I started getting her to go to the gym. I also joined and have been trying to set an example by going regularly. I'm now in really great shape. She lost some lbs, but is still on the fat size and has problems consistently going without my reminding her. I don't ask her to diet, but she has tried to a few times and I try support her when she does. The fat really is a turn off for me. When she was younger she used to be really thin and she keeps saying she wants to be there again. I want to help her but don't know how.

 

The weight issue also effects our sex life. My desire to have sex is 2 or 3 times a week. However, she likes to play around when she is naked which is a turn off for me. All I can think about is her fat. She is on antidepressents (and will be for life), so her desire to have sex is pretty infrequent. We have sex maybe 1x a month, sometimes 1x every 2 months.

 

There are some other things like she has bad habits with money and buying things (about 40k in debt). I've been trying to help her with these too, but I feel like it is moving at a snails pace.

 

About 3 months ago she gave me an ultimatum to propose or she would leave. She just turned 32 and has been obsessed with marriage and kids shortly after we started going out. I tried to talking to a couple of friends and my sister, without mentioning most of the above. No one gave me anything useful. So I decided to propose. Now I don't know if anything will ever change. I keep hope that it will but I don't know if I am deluding myself.

 

Like I said in the beginning, I am an ass, but I am just being brutally honest.

 

Please help.

[Sparkly Eyes]

What are her good attributes? Are sex and her physical appearance your only problems with her?

[FrenchFries]

I don't have much advice to offer on how to talk to her about this without it hurting her feelings, but there's really no other way - you've got to find some way to tell her how you feel. Perhaps put the fact that it's not healthy in the conversation.

 

What I do know is that you'd better figure it out before you walk down the aisle because it'll only get worse from there. Maybe she is not the one for you and vice versa. I've never understood people who push their SO to marry them. That's no good.

 

Something attracted you to her before, you've either got to dig deep down and look past what you see as a physical imperfection or walk away. Maybe seek the advice of a professional on how to approach her with your feelings.

[GeneralLee]

People don't change friend, especially when they have no reason to. If someone is unwilling to improve themselves while dating, what makes you think that will change when you're married and they don't have to worry about losing the other person anymore? Make sure she is absolutely the person you want to spend the rest of your life with RIGHT NOW, because the chances of her changing after you're married are slim to nil. To me it sounds like she knows you aren't physically attracted to her, and that she isn't getting any younger and wants to seal the deal right now so you can't bolt when she starts falling apart. Thats just my opinion thought man, just look in your heart and ask yourself if you want to marry her because she is the person you want to spend forever with, or if you proposed because you were threatened with losing her and are afraid of not being able to find someone else?

[adviceneeded78]

So, I did talk to her last week about the weight and sex topics. I've hinted around both indirectly for a long time, always trying to bring them up in positive ways. It wasn't the easiest thing to bring up, but I have learned through past relationships if you don't bring something up or talk about it the other person will never know. She wants to work on the sex thing and is going to put more effort into loosing weight. I brought it up both topics about a week ago and we have had sex twice which is great. Of course I proposed before those two times, so I don't know if she felt obligated or something. She does have orgasms and enjoys it when we do have sex. Afterward she always says how we should do it more often.

 

Her good qualities are being smart and funny. I've had 6 steady girlfriends over the years and 3 have been far above average in intelligence. The other 3 were far above average in looks. I believe my current fiance has the potential to have both qualities, but the looks aren't important to her.

 

Perhaps on a subconscious level I'm afraid of being alone. On a conscious level I know women flirt with me fairly often. I know I'm a good looking guy. I'm 6'5" and in shape so I know physically I'm appealing. I have a good paying job, great health, no debt, own a home, and have a lot of other things going for me.

[Catdancer]

If you cannot accept her, love her and find her attractive EXACTLY as she is right now, then you will never be happy with her. It doesnt sound like losing weight is a high priority for her. I bet she is very happy with herself and whereas it would be nice to lose some weight, it isnt motivating enough to do something drastic.

 

So, if you marry her and have a family with her, you will have to be with her everyday and raise kids with her. You will have to sleep with her, make love to her and see her naked body ALOT.