Stupid Dater -- How DO I Get Through the First Few Dates? Arrgh!

[flyoffthewall]

Please help, the stupid dater (me) make it past the getting-to-know-you stage. I am flubbing this badly. A trusted friend who is older and wiser says that I am too quick to jump in. I hate game-playing, which seems to serve me well once I am in a relationship, but (my friend insists) is death to me at the start of the relationship. For instance, calling the day after I get a woman's number, making myself too available to a new gal, etc., etc. It is true that I am wanting badly to be in a relationship and so I do believe that I can give off the stink of desperation. However, I also am not the type to stand on ceremony, so I am reluctant to put off calling if I really want to speak to the woman the next day.

 

So, some of my questions...please answer any or all...or don't answer them and just give general advice about getting started! I don't want to go buy a copy of "The Rules," ugh, are there any protocols that I am truly stupid not to follow?

 

1. OK to ask a woman out the first time we meet or go out to lunch? Any signs to watch for that will help me decide on the spot? (I personally think that if I wait past the second time we have a quality conversation, I end up in the friend zone.)

 

2. If I am out and I get a phone number, how soon to call?

 

3. If she doesn't pick up, do I leave a number and ask her to call back? Or, do I just keep trying? Or both???

 

4. If she does pick up, how far in the future should I schedule a date with her (five days later or more)?

5. If that goes well, how long do I wait to schedule a second date?

 

Usually, if I get past these hurdles, everything tends to come a bit more naturally for me. Thanks for your help! I am really tired of being stupid about this. I feel like I have signed up for a game that everyone but me knows how to play. ](*,)

[Keyman]

Please help, the stupid dater (me) make it past the getting-to-know-you stage. I am flubbing this badly. A trusted friend who is older and wiser says that I am too quick to jump in. I hate game-playing, which seems to serve me well once I am in a relationship, but (my friend insists) is death to me at the start of the relationship. For instance, calling the day after I get a woman's number, making myself too available to a new gal, etc., etc. It is true that I am wanting badly to be in a relationship and so I do believe that I can give off the stink of desperation. However, I also am not the type to stand on ceremony, so I am reluctant to put off calling if I really want to speak to the woman the next day.

 

Yes, you stink of desperation, I am in Australia and can smell you from here (no disrespect intended - just using your analogy, apologies if it sounds harsh.). The line I have bolded above says it all. You are giving off the whole I hate to be alone, I NEED to be with someone to be happy or fulfilled smell. You'll hate the suggestion, but take some time out and get to know yourself, be happy within yourself and stop needing to be with someone, that is when the right thing will happen, but keep chasing like you just must find someone right now, will have every girl every where run in panic.

1. OK to ask a woman out the first time we meet or go out to lunch? Any signs to watch for that will help me decide on the spot? (I personally think that if I wait past the second time we have a quality conversation, I end up in the friend zone.)

 

Some place where you can have a quality discussion. It doesn't have to be flash. It can be a park bench in the sun with sandwiches. It's just so you can talk.

 

2. If I am out and I get a phone number, how soon to call?

2-3 days. To fast and you are desperate, you want her to think and hope you will call, then be excited that you have.

 

3. If she doesn't pick up, do I leave a number and ask her to call back? Or, do I just keep trying? Or both???

 

Leave a message asking her to call you back or text you. If she doesn't get back to you, wait 3 more days and try again. If still nothing. Delete number.

 

4. If she does pick up, how far in the future should I schedule a date with her (five days later or more)?

Ask her what she is up to the following weekend and aim for that.

 

5. If that goes well, how long do I wait to schedule a second date?

 

What about the following weekend after that.

 

 

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post on my blog detailing all of these questions and will be posting one shortly about what to do on a first date. Check it out. (Not trying to plug the blog, but it answers in more detail what I just responded about.)

[flyoffthewall]

That obvious ?

 

Thanks, Keyman, good advice.

[No1]

Relax. You are thinking way wayyyyyyyyy too much about this. Just breath deep, relax, and be yourself. Do what you would do naturally, if you want to call, call. If you get a girls phone number when you are out and if you call, leave a message, just say hi, this is @@@@@ and I wanted to call and say hi, call me back.. my number is. #####. Keep things lite and smile.

About the first date.. Talk to her, find out what she likes, what she doesnt like, let her talk, ask questions, let her answer. share but not too much.

A bad first 'date' is the movies. 2hrs that could be better spent because you are not talking. Do some activity, pool, or dave and busters, something that you two would enjoy.

But quit thinking about the 'what ifs" just relax and be yourself. Its not that you are a stupid dater you are over thinking and its getting you stuck. be yourself!

[Clarity]

Dating comes easiest to me when I have lots of other things going on in my life, hobbies, sports, activities with friends, busy job, etc.. The reason is that these "delays" that we are quick to call "game-playing" (calling a girl after a day or two, not constantly contacting her or being available to date, etc) are traits of a person who has a life of their own! That's part of the reason these things work. Women are smart! If you are contacting them too early or often, they can figure out that either you don't have much going on in your life (and some of them are fine with that) or you're a little to eager to jump into this thing (again, some of them are fine with that too)!

 

So, if you find the perfect lady, none of these etiquettes really matter. However, for many perfectly dateable women out there, you can give them a weird vibe if you don't follow these guidelines at least loosely and then you miss out on a chance for them to get to know you and vice versa.

 

I think Keyman has given some good advice, although my only contention is that I don't typically do weekend dates until later on. Weekday evenings at first and then we'll see if it's worth spending a weekend day (when I usually have other plans) with her.

[flyoffthewall]

Thanks, Clarity. I have added more activities to my life, and that certainly does help. I suppose I get frustrated, though, because though I am very busy -- business owner, sports team, community volunteer, etc. -- I always make time for someone that I care about -- at least a five-minute phone call!

 

What you say makes sense, though, and I can see how the wrong vibe can get sent that way.

[afguy200105]

I hate playing the game too, and I don't do it anymore. Its not about desperation...its about not playing the f'in game. If you are interested in a girl, doesn't matter who, and she gives you her number to call her, then great. There is no reason to wait to call...why not call the next day? It shows that your interested. Waiting to call her may make her think that your not as interested in her, and why would you want that...you wouldn't want that. You want her to know that your interested. As for question 3, I would call a couple of times first and try to talk to her, but if no answer, then just leave a message. If she was interested in you, she will call back. Some ladies I suppose play the game too, or just won't answer the first time. No prob..just leave a message. For the last two questions...yea just schedule on a weekend, and then the following. If it goes well the first time, you may not even need to wait a week to meet again...could be the next couple of days.

 

The point is..don't play the game. It is so stupid to do, and just doesn't seem like a great way to tell them your interested. I stopped a long time ago, and never had any issues since. Honestly, they like that I call the very next day, because it shows I'm interested.

[Clarity]

There's usually no problem with calling the next day, but being patient or "playing the game" isn't meant to win you the girl, it's just there for those guys who can't time these things well themselves. If you don't explicitly tell some guys that they should be contacting a girl every day, some of them will even contact her multiple times a day and that can feel smothering or too much early on.

 

They're not so much games as guidelines for people with little to no experience.