How do I get over my ex with no support?

[johnnyp]

Title says it all really. Me and my ex were together ten years and broke up nearly two years ago and while I've been NC pretty much the whole time, she's been in touch a few times and I've heard through her family that they 'think' she regrets leaving me and they think she should come back to me (more info in my other threads).

 

Anyway, since I have no real friends to speak of and no real family either, I spend 100% of my time alone when I'm not at work and when I do try to make new friends it never works out for me....I always end up getting ignored, laughed at, made fun of in public and generally treated like an outcast and a joke for reasons I - and the people I do know - can never figure out.

 

Now getting over a ten year relationship - mine and her first serious relationship - is hard enough, but doing it totally alone with nobody to talk to, at the same time as most people mock and reject me is almost unbearable sometimes, so does anyone have any tips they can give me? After nearly two years apart I feel that I should be over this by now but I think that my total lack of a social life or any meaningful human contact has prolonged things.

 

The weird thing is, I've had two gorgeous women fall in love with me over the past two years and some others even tell me that I'm the "perfect man" and offer to leave their BF's to be with me - which I of course refused - so I do get some very complimentary stuff sometimes which gives me hope that I'm not a total loser, but yet 99.9% of guys I meet take against me immediately despite how open and friendly I am, so I'm still alone most of the time with only hopes that the good points that these women see will get me some kind of contact at some point.

 

If anyone can relate to this, have you got any tips for me? Thanks.

[comicgal]

I'm sorry that you feel this way. What do you do for fun or enrichment outside of work? I just got out of a 14 year relationship. I found that finding people who enjoy the same activities as me helps. I have a few friends from past jobs that I go hiking with, another to go clubbing with, and others to have lunch with. It's always hard to make friends outside of familiar places. You should try to find people at work that you have things in common with. Also, my school friends have also had my back so maybe you can step up your Facebook presence?

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I'm really sorry to hear how cut up you are at the moment ((HUGS)).

 

It can be especially hard if you haven't got a confidant to confide in when you're in need. It can hit everyone, so don't think you're on your own. When my ex and I broke up I really only had one person to talk to because all my other friends are happily settled down, and I didn't really want them to say, "There's plenty more fish in the sea." I didn't want to be patronized by people who couldn't possible imagine what I was going through - I felt crappy enough.

 

It sounds to me like you just don't want to face any more rejection from people at the moment which is really understandable.

 

I found that for me, going out of my comfort zone was the best option. I joined a swimming team at my local pool which met 3 times a week. The team has 15 members of both male and female swimmers, and we all have at least one thing in common. That's the key. Even if we don't talk about anything else, we have that. I don't consider myself friends with all the members, but I have made good friends with two. It took a good 6 months before we started to meet up for other things, (thanks to a Christmas party), but Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

I find it's harder to make friends as adults, having been let down so many times, than it is when we were kids. Don't take it to heart, just find that common ground you need to build on and the rest will sort itself out.

 

In the meantime, stay strong, keep your chin up and know that if no one gave a damn about you, they wouldn't be replying to your thread. xxx

[johnnyp]

Thanks Comicgal. TBH I don't do much outside of work anymore, other than go to the gym, as all the frequent mockery I receive has made me very leery of putting myself in a position to get hurt again. Previously I did some evening courses but I generally got the same treatment there too - although I did enjoy the course itself.

 

I've also tried to make friends at work but had little luck. Once thing I've noticed is that the people that act weird with me are often people from a so-called 'comfortable' and well-educated background, while the people that bond quickly with me are people with a much tougher background. Since I grew up somewhat on the street and around a lot of crime, violence and dangerous people, I wonder if maybe the two worlds just cannot mix because of people's fear and prejudice?

 

I'm the nicest guy in the world, I'm friendly to everyone and never make judgements about anyone and yet it's only when I come accross other people that grew up like me, that I actually get welcomed as a friend and since I've left my past long behind me and am making a great career for myself and moving up the business ladder very quickly, I very rarely meet anyone that is like me anymore. It's very rarely women that have a problem with me either.....it's nearly always men. Is there a link?

 

As for Facebook, I lost most of my good friends over the years to drugs, jail or an early passing, so there won't be many people on Facebook I could look up (wow....this is a really gloomy post. Sorry guys

[johnnyp]

Thanks Stella. You're right, I'm scared of more rejection at the moment but it's a real help to speak here and have help from people such as yourself. Thanks so much for the tips and the hugs.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Thanks Stella. You're right, I'm scared of more rejection at the moment but it's a real help to speak here and have help from people such as yourself. Thanks for the tips and the hugs.

 

I have lost touch with friends from school too. Like I say, it can be hard but there are people out there who you share common ground with.

 

I'm from a tough city, yet I am well educated and have chosen not to take the path a lot of others in my situation have. I have always been very independent like that, and it does get a bit of a negative response sometimes, because I simply don't care what people think about me. Like you I'm a nice person, and I treat people right and try not to rise to the bait so to speak, when I'm being disrespected. You just have to say to yourself, "It's their loss."

 

Have you thought about giving back to your old community? Maybe get involved in volunteer project work, working alongside others who want to better themselves, their children and their community? It can be rewarding on so many levels, and I am 100% positive you will meet a lot of decent people who share your values.

[johnnyp]

That's definitely the right way to be....be a really good person and not care what people think about you. I'm generally like that but am taking it harder than usual lately because of my break-up.

 

Your idea of giving back to the community is a good one. I've thought of volunteer work a few times but never followed through with it. Maybe I should look back into it. Thanks.

 

The thing is, I'm a grown man in his 30's and yet in the past year I've had guys I've met and thought were cool with me invite me out on Friday nights and then not show up and then call me to laugh at me. And I've also been out with people from work and had them make fun of me, mock my voice and even throw things at my head when I'm facing the other way and talking to someone.

 

This is some schoolyard stuff and yet I always keep my cool and never react how I want to - which is to beat the heck out of them, proof that I'm not the bad guy I was raised to be anymore - and so I just end of looking like a douche, when it's these guys that are the real morons. And yet they all are in long-term relationships and have loads of friends. Crazy right?

[Stella Sleepwalks]

The thing is, I'm a grown man in his 30's and yet in the past year I've had guys I've met and thought were cool with me invite me out on Friday nights and then not show up and then call me to laugh at me. And I've also been out with people from work and had them make fun of me, mock my voice and even throw things at my head when I'm facing the other way and talking to someone.

 

This is some schoolyard stuff and yet I always keep my cool and never react how I want to - which is to beat the heck out of them - and so I just end of looking like a douche, when it's these guys that are the real morons. And yet they all are in long-term relationships and have loads of friends. Crazy right?

 

Pathetic frat-boy behavior - you're right to rise above it and not give them the satisfaction. By the way, they might appear to have it all, but you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

 

You know the one person who used to ridicule me because of my accent and where I live was my ex boyfriend. He would call me a "posh snob" in front of his friends and family. I work for the Police, and he would tell complete strangers "Don't talk like that in front of her she's plod (slang for police).", which was dangerous - they could have attacked me or anything knowing that! Just goes to show how insecure he was/is, and he put all his BS on me. Like I say, people who ridicule only do it to make themselves feel better - its sad and desperate and its THEIR problem, not yours.

 

Yeah, if you've thought about volunteer work in the past, why not put yourself forward for it? You'll be putting yourself in an environment which deals with people from all walks of life and like I say, you'll reap the rewards from it.

[johnnyp]

Wow, your ex sounds like a real jack-ass. I bet you're glad he's an ex!

 

I've always been a believer of what you just said, that people who ridicule only do it to make themselves feel better, but since its most guys I meet that do this to me these days, what could it be about me that provokes it and how does it make them feel better? I know you don't know me so this is a tough one to answer. I find women are very friendly, caring and often loving and flirty to me, so whatever it is, it's not something that women feel the need to do in order to feel better. Maybe women are just more mature than guys (not new news though I guess

 

I was very keen to go abroad and do volunteer work but it cost so much that I think locally will have to be the way to go.

[jazzbarrett]

johnnyp, have you considered book clubs or cooking classes? i have realized that doing activities to enrich yourself has one fantastic end result: you are doing something for yourself. you are finding activities to distract yourself. you are learning new things. you, you, you. and, in the event you meet people in these places, that is just an added bonus. as much as i have fleeting moments of loneliness during the day when i am at home, i love my times alone now.

[johnnyp]

Yeah, cooking classes have always been something I've been keen to try. I'm a hopeless cook and love food....perfect combo I really need to stop wallowing and just get back out there don't I!? You just put it perfectly....you, you, you! That's what I need to focus on....not her, her, her. Thanks Jazz.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I think charity begins at home. If you give back to your own community you will most likely meet people who have gone through, or who are going through similar struggles. Again, you want to give back, but you also want to share a common ground with people and become friends.

 

I personally don't think you need to examine what it is you are doing to upset these jerks. I think their behavior speaks for itself. As an adult, if I don't like someone, I leave well alone, and that goes for my male friends too. I have a lot of male friends, and they don't act like that. They wouldn't go out of their way to set someone up so they can tear them down, it's just not in them as decent people, so don't put yourself through a self analysis when it comes to these wankers! What goes around comes around!

 

You sound like a complete babe magnet - you should set up a college that teaches men how to treat women!

[johnnyp]

I'd really like to meet people that went through a past like mine and are doing great too but most times I find that people with a past like mine aren't doing so great if they're even still here. So sad for their families and friends....I'm so glad I made it through. You're right though, to give back would be amazing. I'll have to research this. Thanks Stella.

 

And again you're right, I shouldn't let these guys behaviour bother me, but if it was only one person here and there I'd find it easier. Since it's most people I meet, I can't help but wonder if I'm the problem. I can't see anything that I'm doing wrong though so I guess it is just them.

 

And thanks for the lovely compliment. If I set up a college though, then I'd have a whole room full of guys throwing things at me when I turned my head

[Stella Sleepwalks]

You know sometimes you can meet someone who have all the qualities you wish you had instilled inside yourself. That's where the jealousy and insecurity sets in and behavior like this starts to occur. Ignore it mate, they're not worth it. What I found the most disheartening was having people who called me their friend not supporting me as much as they probably should have. I felt a real sense of abandonment. That's not to take anything away from the way you're feeling, I think we all feel alone during a breakup.

 

What sort of community work would you like to do?

Agricultural

Working with kids

Working with animals

Setting up sports teams

Finance Support

Mediation

Hospital Work

 

I think the best place to start is writing to your local governor/ councillor direct and asking about up and coming projects as well as existing ones that might be of interest to you.

[spartan211]

johhnyp, I feel your pain my friend. I'm still trying to recover from having my heart crushed as well; albeit, it was a 4 year off and on relationship. you're doing the right thing, for starters, by coming on here... i'm trying to do the same. i have plenty of friends and acquaintances, but none in the close physical vicinity for me to hang out with and confide in. there's plenty of friendly ears here to empathize and sympathize with you. I'd be glad to serve as a listening post.

as for meeting new people/friends, i don't know if you have tried link removed. i just found out about it, and although i'm a bit apprehensive about showing up at a random place to meet perfect strangers, i do know it's gonna take some stepping out of my comfort zone.

hang in there johnnyp...

[johnnyp]

Sorry to hear you got let down by people you thought would be there for you Stella. I know how you must've felt. Sounds like you've really used it to better yourself rather than defeat you....loads of hugs and pats on the back for you!

 

As for which community work I'd like to do, I've always been keen to work with animals. I don't know if I could handle the tougher parts of the job - being there with injured animals and when they put them to sleep etc - but I'm sure there must be job feeding them and helping out with the admin etc. I'll have to look into it....could be really good. Thanks again for the tips and your time.

[johnnyp]

Thanks for your kind words Spartan and also for the tip about Meetup. I'll definitely investigate. Sorry to hear you're going through this tough time too....it's my first serious break-up so I'm afraid I have few wise words to share with you but it sounds like you're on a good road with it all already. All the best and thanks again.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Sorry to hear you got let down by people you thought would be there for you Stella. I know how you must've felt. Sounds like you've really used it to better yourself rather than defeat you....loads of hugs and pats on the back for you!

 

As for which community work I'd like to do, I've always been keen to work with animals. I don't know if I could handle the tougher parts of the job - being there with injured animals and when they put them to sleep etc - but I'm sure there must be job feeding them and helping out with the admin etc. I'll have to look into it....could be really good. Thanks again for the tips and your time.

 

 

Before I say good night god bless JP, can I suggest getting in touch with your local police department, seeing as you are interested in animals.

 

We recruit volunteers to walk dogs at our police dog unit as well as puppy fostering. Puppy fostering means keeping them at home, (food and vaccinations all paid for by the police), and training with other foster parents at the weekend. The hard part is letting the dog go if they are selected to join the force as working dogs. There is also the Mounted department which deals with horses. You can go down a few times a week before and after work and ride them to keep them exercised and help out at the stables. Seeing as its approaching summer, that might be a good choice.

 

I live in the UK but I can't see it being too different accross other parts of the world. Police departments usually encourage public support to keep up good citizen focus and customer relations. I'd enquire and see what it brings

[spartan211]

you're welcome johnnyp.... yeah, breakups suck. Like I actually felt I had my heart stomped on... she told me that, ' I knew one day you would ask me to marry you, and when that day came, I wouldn't know what to say,' then tried to 'make things better' by giving me the whole, 'anyone would be lucky to have you cuz you're such a great guy...' crap speech. I'm trying to get back on a good road... and you should too... it's ok to feel that pain, but learn from it and move forward.

[yonanz]

dude im sorry the way you r/s ended. 10 years ...wow thats ALOT of emotional baggage.

 

anyway, kudos to you for having survived 2 years! that said, there are a coupleof things i can encourage you to do.

 

do community service or volunteer work. you can find a sense of meaning and satisfaction helping others, and at the same tme have a sense of perspective when you see how under-privileged some people are, and hence, how privileged you are. last but not least, it will be a chance to also make friends with people who are involved in it as well.

 

alternatively, try to take up a passion. u can sign up for cooking classes, go for singing classes, whatever. the most important thing is, either for volunter work or activities, you will go through together with your fellow bunch of volunteers or classmates, and over time definitely you will develop bond. im not talking about making friends in the fleeting sense; like hanging out for drinks, dinner etc. im talking about making friends through doing activities with agroup of people over a period of time. it takes a while but soon enough u will see the bonding.

 

try to seek strength from God, or whichever faith you are, step up on your prayers and worships. seek strength from your church people or pastor, join a cell group, take part in the church ministry.

 

focus all your energy on sth. your studies. your career. your family. even on your own, focus thai nto improving yousrelf. it keep be learning a new hobby, or working out to keep yourself in shape, or learning interpersonal traits try self-help books, or finding out more about investments/finance. there's always room for a person to grow, so use this chance to grow yourself. as the saying goes "if you never grow, you are dying".

 

there are more people out that who are willing to befriend you than you think. go out and actively seek opportunities. also read some books on how to carry yourself in social situations, improve your mannerism, social etiquette and EQ. i wish you all the best dude! stay strong, and also tell yourself, you got this forum to turn to as well. you are not alone!

 

thought-wise i recommend you going through this

 

Tell yourself to that letting go is sometimes the best way forward instead of fighting against the course of nature.

 

Tell yourself that you are a great guy despite the flaws.

 

Tell yourself you are a lucky chap who has things better than many others out there who suffer worst[poverty, diseases etc].

 

Tell yourself that we shouldnt be burdened by things which we have no control over. its like pushing against the wall - a waste of time and energy

 

Tell yourself to be contented with the state of things as it is. Adjust your perspective, focus on what you can do instead of what you cant do, focus on your potential instead of limitatins, focus on what you have instead of what you dont have, focus on what you have gained instead of what you have lost. you may have lost a girl, but you gained a immense level of experience, resilience, understanding, maturity which you could never had learn in any other way. this is the proverbial life lesson essential in shaping our character and making us stronger.

 

Tell yourself to come to terms with it because we cannot have our way all the time. Life is like this, sometimse we just cant have what we want, and we have to accept it. tell yourself that if you love a person, you will want her to be happy. and if shes happy without you, then be happy for her.

 

Last but not least, tell yourself life is still beautifil despite the imperfections. one woman, or one failed love, doesnt determine you worth, your entire life. there are still many more things out there for you to experience, love and grieve, just enjoy the journey.

[yonanz]

johhnyp, I feel your pain my friend. I'm still trying to recover from having my heart crushed as well; albeit, it was a 4 year off and on relationship. you're doing the right thing, for starters, by coming on here... i'm trying to do the same. i have plenty of friends and acquaintances, but none in the close physical vicinity for me to hang out with and confide in. there's plenty of friendly ears here to empathize and sympathize with you. I'd be glad to serve as a listening post.

as for meeting new people/friends, i don't know if you have tried link removed. i just found out about it, and although i'm a bit apprehensive about showing up at a random place to meet perfect strangers, i do know it's gonna take some stepping out of my comfort zone.

hang in there johnnyp...

 

im sorry to hear about your pain, my heart goes to you as i have also lost a 4 year r/s with my first love so i know how much it hurts.

 

that said, i dont really recommend knowing people through the internet. i tihnk its better to make sincere and lasting friendships through activities, volunteer work, community service....im working as a volunteer in a child care centre and it really helps.

[amandamarie]

Johnnyp, I just wanted to write and tell you to hang in there. I can definitely relate to your post. My ex and I just moved to a new area and bought a house, and soon after he left me. So I am here really without a lot of support, and it is really hard. I have friends in other places, but not really here, and I agree it makes things so much worse.

 

I have been trying a few different things to make friends. I do volunteer work. I also work out and go to the gym, for myself to feel good but also because there are people there with similar interests. I have also attended some activities on link removed and that may be a place you could check out as well. I am actually considering taking a part-time job in something social, such as waitress/bartending to bring in some extra cash and meet people. Just something to think about. Finally, I am also taking a class right now too, just trying to improve myself. I think coffee shops and book stores and church if you are religious are a decent place to strike up conversations with people with similar interests as well.

 

One thing you mentioned in your post - that you get along better with women than men, from the sound of it. Have you tried cultivating any "just friends" relationships with women? I don't know if that would be something you are interetsed in, but it could be something.

 

Hang in there, I know it is frustrating because I am in this situation myself. I think it is a slow process to cultivate those relationships, but we just have to stick with it.

[amandamarie]

Hey Johnnyp, one more thing...I noticed that you said you may like to work with animals but not do anything like surgery or be there if they are put down. I do volunteer work with animals at a shelter. A lot of animal shelters just need volunteers to help out with walking the dogs and playing with them, so I bet if you check it out you would be able to do something like that without having to be there for the really tough moments. I can tell you from experience it is very rewarding to help out the animals and bring a little light into their day

[johnnyp]

Yonanz

Thanks for a lot for your wise words. I can certainly tend to focus more on the bad things lately than on the wonderful gifts I've been given, so you're right...I need to think more about the good than the bad. I've generally been pretty good at doing that since this break-up but lately it's got the better of me because of the new contact my ex has been instigating.

 

I've copied your post to my desktop though and will keep re-reading it. Thanks again and I hope you're doing okay with your own break-up. With such wise words, I'm sure you are.

 

Amandamarie

Thanks too to you Amandamarie. I'm sorry you're stuck away from home with little support. I'm glad the volunteer work is helping you (while you help other people). It definitely seems to be something that is helping a lot of people here and is very rewarding so I'll definitely be looking into it. Thanks.

 

As for your suggestion about amimal shelters, I've heard of similar volunteer work locally to me, so that could well be the way for me to go. As for making friends-only relationships with women, it's certainly something I've tried in a few cases but each time the women either fell for me (despite being in relationships) or their HB's/BF's didn't like them spending time with me....and I almost never meet single women anymore, I guess due to my age. I'm always keeping my eyes open though so hopefully things will get better soon. Thanks again for your help and I wish you all the best with your own healing.

[yonanz]

Your welcome, please dont mention it.

 

I do think im prob doing better than most, but still it hurts, as its only been a month, and she was my first gf and we were together for 4 years.

 

But I force myself to be disciplined and focused. Life is wholesome and holistic, and more imptly, life waits for no one. Life doesnt take pity on me or you and stop till you are OK, then carry on. Life goes on even when you are depressed or devastated.

 

So I force myself to cut short the wallowing-in-self-pity and isolate the sad/negative/dwelling thoughts. I push myself to go out and carry on with life, and go all out to build an even more meaningful existence. It's tough, because the hurt still eats at me. But life is holistic; there is more to life than just a person, or a love.I dont want one failed r/s to spillover to other areas of life and further ruin me, i know i have a great future ahead, that is if i cherish it and seize the day instead of dwelling on the past.

 

Last but not least, i tell myself that pain is a luxury i cant afford. the more i let pain take control of me, the more debts i incur. debts to my loved ones who suffer beacuse they see me in pain, debts to my friends who also suffer when they see me in pain, debts to myself because i allow my life to diminish and slide downhill due to the pain, instead of actualising its full potential. pain is indeed a luxury, and i cant afford it. so cant you. so while it definitely hurts, we have to carry on with an even greater zest than before, at the same time being thankful of what we still have.