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why am i never attracted to anyone?


Mindelani

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My problem is that I never seem to be attracted to anyone, except for people who I already know really well...aka friends. Obviously that then becomes messy. So far I haven't lost any friends because I will test the waters first and only say something if I feel I have a chance AND I'm sure they wouldn't act weirdly if they felt differently...but nothing's worked because they like me AS FRIENDS which is to be expected.

 

I can see people and think they're good looking, or have a good personality, or both (so I don't think it's that my standards are too high), but there are pretty much never any sparks. In fact I can only remember 2 guys who I was attracted to without really knowing them and it turned out both had girlfriends.

 

In the past I have just given it a go with guys who had good personalities and hoped attraction would develop from that but it never did and it just felt more wrong the longer I saw them and I felt bad like I was leading them on. Although sometimes I tricked myself into thinking I did like them because I wanted to so much, but when I was honest with myself I didn't. So now I am getting kind of scared to do that.

 

Btw as a bit of context, I'm only 19, and in my circle of friends people don't really 'date' regularly, they just go out with people they actually like (question-is this normal?). Also I am not 100% over one of my friends but I'm genuinely happy for him when he's in a healthy relationship and can act completely normal around him. I'm aware this probably has something to do with my lack of attraction for other people BUT I still had feelings for him when I met my ex and was able to eventually fall in love with him (my ex) because he was very patient (and I didn't have feelings for the friend while I was officially with my ex, they just came back after he broke up with me).

 

So what should I do? Wait until I find someone who I do feel those sparks for, or continue trying with guys who seem like I COULD be attracted to? (Btw I've made it sound like there were lots of guys-there weren't. And I've never actually been asked out.)

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People don't really date regularly is a thing which is becoming the norm for people your age and early to mid twenties.

 

These people usually have quite flings kind of a FWB as they believe why settle with just one person when there are so many other people who want to be with me and people I want to be with.

 

This sort of behavior can leave people hurt and confused if they do fall for someone but that's the way it is.

 

As for you.

Are you comparing people to the one you are not 100% over?

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I don't know about FWB becoming more popular, but maybe that's just the people I hang out with.

 

And I don't usually consciously compare people to him-I used to but I've trained myself not to because everyone is different. But maybe I am doing this subconsciously and this is my problem. But like I said-I managed to fall for my ex so why I can't I do the same now?

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I had a similar problem with not being attracted to anyone. The guys that could make my heart beat faster were few and far between. I think my problem was 1. the pool of guys around me (immature--for the most part--young men who I could not establish any kind of interest in) and 2. My idealism. Even when I was single and wanting a boyfriend, I rarely envied the couples around me because I wanted WAY more for myself in a partner and in a relationship than what I was seeing around me. The girls that were falling in love all over the place hardly had the standards I did for a relationship, so they seemed to be attracted to a wider range of guys than I was.

 

I'm not sure if any of that sounds true for you, but that was my issue so perhaps it helps.

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Where I live friends with benefits, flings, one night stands with friends and people you are only acquainted with is popular.

 

It's just not talked about.

 

You forced yourself to fall for ex.

You didn't truly do so.

You can't because there is no one of similar worth or better.

 

At worst, it's a psychological thing.

I knew a person who was still hung up on the first boy who she fell for in school.

3 years ago.

He is still the only guy she would settle down with.

Anyone else is just a FWB, fling or one night stand type friend.

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teabee

yeah I can relate to the first point definitely, a lot of the guys i mix with come off as pretty immature or or a bit too full of themselves for my liking (not true arrogance, more just coming from the immaturity). And the ones that aren't are my friends! (I see so many posts on here about the 'friendzone' and how usually it's the girls who friendzone boys but I swear I am a magnet for being friendzoned).

 

And about having higher standards for a relationship-this is true but I still have to work at not being a little envious when I see those 15 year old girls who get a new boyfriend every few months, which I know is silly of me.

 

You speak in the past tense so I'm assuming you don't have this problem anymore. Can I ask what changed?

 

And thanks for the input, do you have any advice on waiting for the attraction vs trying something in the hope the attraction will come?

 

In the dark

I do not think it is true that I forced myself to fall for my ex. I do realise now that he was not all that I am looking for in a bf but at the time I did not see this (partly because I had very low self-esteem, which he helped me get over, but that's another issue). I did think that he had certain faults but this didn't mean that I didn't love him and it certainly didn't mean that I was forcing myself to love him. And it's not like the minute he broke up with me my feelings for my friend came back-it was actually later on finding out that the friend had at one point had feelings for me, which gave me (false) hope.

 

I am sorry for this person you speak of, it must be very hard for her. However unlike her, this friend of mine is not the only person I would want to be with (in theory, I mean...in practice I haven't found anyone single yet, which is my problem. Or is this what you're trying to say? Sorry I'm not quite sure if I get what you're saying)

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Don't be sorry, I gave her self-esteem the she destroyed me.

 

If I were you I would wait.

Do not get in to a relationship hoping you will find a spark.

The spark happens during the time you get to know them.

Not when you are with them.

 

Ok thanks, but the problem is if the spark is there, by the time I know them they just see me as a friend. And btw I don't really mean get into a relationship with them (I wouldn't do that without attraction it would be unfair to them) but just go on casual dates.

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I am still the same way actually! I guess I spoke in past tense because now I have a boyfriend so what I saw as a problem for myself at one point is now irrelevant. He was one of the rare ones that DID pique my interest, and I am now grateful that my heart was so choosy. I don't think of it as a problem anymore, I think it's kind of cool, like a built-in radar system that would only let me be with someone I genuinely felt compatible with. It was irritating while I was single because I wanted to be with someone, but at the same time it screened out all the brief, unsuccessful relationships I might have had if I were more easily infatuated.

 

I agree with exactly what In the Dark said. Ideally you'd feel the spark as your getting to know someone, and only then pursue a relationship out of that already-exciting energy. It's not necessary to feel magic the first time you lay eyes on someone, but as you begin relating to them and getting to know them, there should be spark and potential before a relationship.

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Ok thanks, but the problem is if the spark is there, by the time I know them they just see me as a friend. And btw I don't really mean get into a relationship with them (I wouldn't do that without attraction it would be unfair to them) but just go on casual dates.

 

As long as both people are up for it, just hanging out and casually dating can be fun. You might find it feels kind of superficial though if you don't feel a spark or feel like it's leading anywhere. But the other thing is, if you are motivated enough to want to date a person casually, chances are there IS enough spark and attraction there for you already that casual dating could develop into something deeper. So why not go for it, I say

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As long as both people are up for it, just hanging out and casually dating can be fun. You might find it feels kind of superficial though if you don't feel a spark or feel like it's leading anywhere. But the other thing is, if you are motivated enough to want to date a person casually, chances are there IS enough spark and attraction there for you already that casual dating could develop into something deeper. So why not go for it, I say

 

Yeah, it would feel superficial and even wrong for me to be casually dating someone if I didn't feel a spark, and I would only do it in the hope it would lead somewhere, not for the sake of itself. But if I was asked out by someone not dreadfully unattractive with a decent personality I would at least give it a go. That hasn't happened yet though (with the other guys where it didn't lead anywhere I was the one initiating)

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I think it's definitely a good idea to be open to the idea of dating someone if asked out. I'd give most people a chance if I found the physical attraction was at least there for me. What has happened with other guys where it didn't lead anywhere? How do you normally pick a guy and initiate, and how does that play out?

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teabee-with the other two guys where it didn't work, i met them at uni, spoke to them a little and thought they seemed nice/good looking so tried to get to know them better (study together->coffee->uni evening event together etc). Initially it was me asking them to do stuff but they seemed interested and then it became more equal, but real attraction never developed for me as it did for them. So I'm a bit wary of initiating even causal stuff now because I feel like I'm stringing them along.

 

aurevoir-no i am not asexual, there are people i've been attracted to (usually friends) but only one of them (my ex who wasn't a friend first) wanted a relationship with me

 

bingedrinking hmm maybe. i suppose it is better to be like this than to be attracted to everyone lol

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teabee-with the other two guys where it didn't work, i met them at uni, spoke to them a little and thought they seemed nice/good looking so tried to get to know them better (study together->coffee->uni evening event together etc). Initially it was me asking them to do stuff but they seemed interested and then it became more equal, but real attraction never developed for me as it did for them. So I'm a bit wary of initiating even causal stuff now because I feel like I'm stringing them along.

 

If I were you I'm not sure I'd take that route again since it doesn't seem quite like it's working. Maybe it even feels forced for you or just not quite the way you'd like it to feel? Do you think you could be trying too hard? Relationships evolve naturally all the time, there's no reason that can't happen for you too. It can happen without you or anybody else trying. I would suggest letting go more. Are you feeling a *need* to be in a relationship?

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If I were you I'm not sure I'd take that route again since it doesn't seem quite like it's working. Maybe it even feels forced for you or just not quite the way you'd like it to feel? Do you think you could be trying too hard? Relationships evolve naturally all the time, there's no reason that can't happen for you too. It can happen without you or anybody else trying. I would suggest letting go more. Are you feeling a *need* to be in a relationship?

 

I probably was trying too hard, and I know what you're saying about how it should be natural but I was just trying to be a bit more proactive. And that need for a relationship...well I'm working on not feeling that too much. I still get frustrated/lonely about being single sometimes but not as much as I used to.

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