Am I jealous or is my marriage in trouble?

[FeelingBetrayed]

I don't want to take this to family and friends so I'm here. The conflict in my household started with a Subway coupon with an exotic email address email removed written on the back by a female. This coupon was found in my husband's wallet. I asked him about it and he said he found it on the train on his way home and wanted the discount. I told myself it sounded fishy but let it go. Later in the week I needed some cash and there the coupon was again. I took it out and began reading the discount and found that the coupon expired back in February. So I confronted him again and asked why would he be holding on to an expired coupon. He tells me as if he is shocked "Oh no I was going to use it today". I turned and walked out having lots of doubt. Then later that morning he tells me he must of thought that this year was 2003 and next year was 2004. So then I became even more suspicious it was sounding like a bunch of crap to me. So that night I logged on to his email I had to play detective. As soon as his mail box opened I see a response from email removed. The email read "WELL YOU DIDN'T LOOK SO BAD YOUR SELF. I THOUGHT ABOUT OUR PAST AND COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. I HOPE THE WIFE AND KIDS ARE FINE. I ALSO HOPE TO SEE YOU AROUND SOME TIMES WITH OUT THE GANG. MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER SOME TIME AND TALK. MY NUMBER IS ***-***-****, CALL ME SOMETIME IF YOU NEED TO TALK OR JUST TO SAY HELLO." Okay so I search a little further and find out it is a old sex buddy. That night I confront him and he keeps denying that he knows her. Then after an intense questioning he admits that he knows her and that they and 2 other guys went to a restuarant together to hang out. I happen to remember that night and he didn't say anything about her being there it was suppose to be a guys night out. We have been married 6 years and we promised each other not to keep contact with people we've had intimate relationships with because it can cause problems. I reminded him of that and he said he didn't care how I felt. The next day he apologized and said nothing is going on between them and that he doesn't want anything to happen between them. What do you think? Am I jealous? Is he up to something? Your opinion is greatly appreciated.

[tiger_lilies]

Your husband has given you reason to be jealous. Your reaction is normal, there is nothing wrong with you or how you're feeling. Your husband lied to you and only gave in when you grilled him about it.

 

I'm glad you talked to him about it though. Why did he feel that he had to lie to you to hide talking to her?

 

If I were you, I'd keep a very close eye on him. Try not to make it obvious, but protect yourself just in case....because I agree with you about this situation sounding fishy.

 

If she means nothing to him, then it shouldn't be hard for him to just waive her out of his life. He can be polite to her and acknowledge her, but to meet up privately with her would be wrong.

[NightLily]

I agree with Tiger lilies. But also, if your gut is telling that something is fishy here and you don't have a past of being overly protective, controlling, and posessive, then you should listen to it! Most woman have a very good intuition when it comes to these things and sometimes they ignore their gut because it is what they want to believe. I know... I've been there.

 

If I were you I would talk to him about your doubts and tell him what is at stake if your feelings of suspision continue--your marriage, your trust and faith in him, your love for him. Esentially, everything. If you really do think he is cheating on you.. make sure he knows what the result of such a thing could be. And if you really have to.. try talking to this girl.

 

But for now.. I would say try to protect your heart and keep closer watch on him. Deny him benifits if you have to lol. (joking of course)

 

We'll be here to help if you need,

SuzyQ

[Joanie61185]

What strikes me is that when you reminded him of a promise that you made to eachother, he said he didn't care. That seems to me like a big red flag. I agree with the other 2 comments that you need to be keeping a discrete eye on him from now on. If you catch him in another lie then you may want to consider counseling. You are perfectly within your rights to be uncomfortable with this, and I think that from your description you handled the entire situation superbly. Best of Luck!

[Ingrid]

From the facts you described, there is no proof something has happened already. But your husband's attitude shows that he is seriously looking for an opportunity to become sexually involved with this other woman who is basically, excuse my rudeness, opening her legs to attract him. There is no doubt he desires to be with her.

 

Talking to him, as Suzi said, is a very good way to solve the problem, but from his reaction when you reminded him of the promise, it seems he is seriously attracted to this woman. And she seems to want more than just a 2nd role (the fact that she pretended to care about "the wife and kids" shows that she wants him to believe she is a good person; she wants more thant just sex, money perhaps, or more).

 

If you have children, and talking did not work, a little bit of jealousy might be the solution. If he is going to "guys' night out" get a babysitter and go to girls' night out. Pretend you met someone from high school.

 

If you don't have any kids, the best solution is probably divorce. This man is a liar, you deserve better. He will never respect you.

 

Good luck!

[daisies]

I TOTALLY disagree w/ Ingrid...no offense Ingrid, but divorce, pretending to meet someone from highschool? long are the days when we played silly highschool games such as this. i say be the better person. no body said marriage was going to be easy. there are going to be ups and downs...divorce is a last resort to when nothing else has worked. and divorce only if you have kids? believe me it hurts kids more when they have to deal with 2 parents that are unhappy and would probably want you to divorce anyway...never stay because of the kids.

 

i think the first mistake here was making an agreement that you won't have contact w/ intimate people from your past. who came up w/ this idea? he married you, not them. there was a reason why both your past relationships didn't work. i say the past is the past...why hold onto old grudges or memories...it just makes them present day problems.

 

as for your hubby lying...i'm not trying to defend him, but maybe he thought nothing of it at first. maybe he was just flattered. we all are when we find someone is interested in us. that doesn't mean we want to be w/ everyone that likes us.

 

BUT, the email definitely says there has been correspondence between the 2 of them. i say be the bigger person and let him make up his own mind. we can't force another to be with us. as hard as it may be, if he wants to have a relationship with this girl, why fight? you don't want someone like that anyway. we have to love ourselves more than that. and keeping tabs on his every move (speaking from experience) will only drive him away...maybe right into the arms of this other person. is this issue resolved in your hubby's mind? you need to resolve this issue and leave it resolved. bringing it up time after time will only make things worse. i say focus on yourself...start excersising, eating right, read a good book, start spending more time w/ girlfriends doing things you like to do. if you haven't read men are from mars and women are from venus...you need to. it's changed the way i look at relationships and how i deal w/ my husband. i found there were a lot of things i was doing to contribute to why my ex's treated me the way they did. i'm in no way saying you may be at fault here...he's definitely wrong and needs to be held accountable, but better yourself and how you deal w/ relationships (marriage) in the process.

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

It has been more than a month since you posted this message.

 

I hope you found your way with it and "tensions" are solved.

 

If it's not yet solved, I wanted to ad a word.

 

I'll be direct, okay?

 

Your relationship is under attack. It's coming from a very specific threat. This is a situation where jealousy is 100% justified. It is okay to do whatever it takes to preserve your realtionship. Use whatever power is given to you to fight back.

 

In my opinion, it is okay to send a mail to that girl. A word from you and she would pull back I am sure. She seems to care about you and children (at least a bit). Send her a mail and tell her to step back. Don't beg. Don't apologize. Be direct and firm. It is your relationship. You are given the right to protect it. Now is the time to use your power. Dare to express it. Use your fighting power and clear the space.

 

Having contact with an ex partner is okay. Lying to you is not . She is temptation. Fight the battle and kick her out.

 

Other women must know that you are there and will defend your territory. Dare! You'll feel relieved and immensely empowered when you do. Stand behind your action and if your partner questions your move, tell him exactly why you did it.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[CountVonNumbaKrunch]

Sorry, but i think if his actions had any tinge of innocence, and he really didn't feel motivated to pursue this woman, he wouldn't have lied to you.

 

Interesting: if he had emails from her in his inbox, why were they still there? How old were they? And why does he need her email address in his wallet if her email address is already in his computer? He sounds like a 16 year old girl clinging to a movie stub for a flick she saw with her adolescent BF.

 

I know there's a lot at stake here. But i think he's a snake. Best wishes to you. Watch him like a hawk and don't trust him any further than you can throw him.

[hurtabandoned]

Vitalcoaching is right on this one. Letting her know that you are aware of what has gone on and that you won't tolerate this is definitely the way to go.

 

All contact with the woman that my husband had the affair with quickly ended after I found out where she worked and paid her a visit. I told her that it was over and that my husband would not be back to see her again. You should have seen the look on her face when I told her who I was...PRICELESS. My daughter was with me at the time. She got a good look at who she was going to hurt if this didn't stop.

 

I told my husband that this was something that I was going to do and he didn't even try to stop me.

 

Now I have the peace of mind knowing that it was over. If you haven't already done so. I would send her an email or see her in person if you can locate her. It's time to clean house.