I can't grieve the loss of my ex

[WadeCure]

I dunno, I've made countless posts about this. But I'm still haunted, day in and day out about my ex. I still hold hope that we'll still get together. In my other thread dealing with healing I posted about my letter I sent to her (Checking healing forum "A Revised Letter To My Ex") Well I sent her a text message on cell phone and three hours later there have been no replies. While I still hold hope that one day we'll get back together, the point of the letter was to gain closure and help me grieve.

 

I think what is keeping me from grieving is the fact that I just have no idea if she has gotten my letter or my messages. It's holding me back. I know a lot of you will (and have a right to say) "just assume it's there and go on." I understand the logic in this, but I just can't cram it into my head.

 

So, what now? I'm left with three options:

 

1) Give letter to her friend Brooke to give to her (rarely see her, they rarely talk)

2) Snail mail the letter (getting her address off net via phone number)

3) "Just assume it's there and go on"

 

I have been doing three (no contact) since we broke up about 2 months ago and no success. It's just not working. I feel very entrapped right now.

 

I know the only way out is to grieve and accept the loss. I don't know how to do that. I'm afraid though, I'm afraid that no one will measure up to my ex, and I know that's not fair, but we were so compatible it was rediculous. I'm afraid of never finding anyone else. I'm afraid that I'm unattractive to most since I'm an introvert and I have a very real problem meeting people, and never have a girlfriend up until now. I'm 22, I'm not getting any younger, and I'm still left with these problems. What I think would help me out in this area is for people here on these forums to talk to me regularly, just to say hi and converse or whatever. I have real bad social skills.

 

My therapist yesterday said that if I wanted to we could "process the information" (in other words, grieve) Tuesday. I want to exert that option so badly. Matter of fact, if I don't figure out what I should do of the three listed options I'm going to just do that Tuesday. I don't know if I can fully grieve unless she gets the letter. I just don't know.

 

I'm very very sorry for annoying people here, it is not my intention, I'm just desperate for some friends right now. Please be gentle in your replies. I'm having a real hard time with myself right now.

 

The only thing I'm holding onto now is my faith and I know that the Lord will find a way for me (Proverbs 3:4-5)

 

God bless you all.

[WadeCure]

I failed to mention a few things as to why I feel that she may not have received the letter/text messages:

 

The e-mail originally bounced back and my supervisor here at school said that yahoo (where her email is located) is inaccessible at the time. So I tried to e-mail again on Sunday evening and this time it hasn't bounced back, so I'm assuming she's got it... but there have been instances where e-mails haven't bounced and they still didn't get to their intended recipients. So I sent her a text message on her cell phone about three hours ago asking for her e-mail, she has not responded. That said, when we were dating we were often having trouble getting text messages to each other. So I don't even know if she got that yet. Right now, the only thing I can do is my faith in the lord and hope for the best. I hope she at least got those messages, it is difficult for me to move on without knowing she got them.

[murrayfaces]

Wade,

Here's something I posted on anothe forum:

 

"To go back to the topic at hand, lately I feel like I am not doing what God wants/needs me to do. See, in the weeks before my breakup, I didn't sit down and pray for this breakup, but I know in my heart that I had to have asked God to take this man out of my life - to let me be rid of him, for so many reasons. The reasons included to rid me of this vampire, and to save me from any more physical or emotional abuse. Well, God did this for me - he gave me the strength to kick him out of my house, and get him out of my life. But, in the weeks after the breakup, I spent many a day crying, and wondering "why did this happen", "can't I just see him", "why God me", "God, can't we just work this out, or let me see, or talk to him". But then I realized, those all defied the exact outcomes I wanted, and God gave me, because he knew how destructive the relationship had become. Just recently am I able to look back, see WHY exactly I wanted it to end, and see why God refuses to let me go back to him, and has put me on the path to no contact. I know we all use "no contact" as a sort of catch-phrase on these boards, but we really have to remember that it's a life policy, and we need to go to our most important support structures to assist us on that path. Mine, on earth is my family, but most importantly is my Faith in God and Jesus. If your's is different, then that's where you need to rely when you can't do it yourself.

 

Would God punish me if I talked to him - did he punish me any of the times that I have broken no contact? No, God did not. He(the other party), did. Because, he knows that I am destined for something great, without him, and his resentful nature comes out. Did I suffer physical abuse again, yes, but that was obviously at the hands of a human, who is not being guided by God. God doesn't give up on us, but he needs us to really try and take advantage of the chances/breaks that he gives us - his Grace. Here but by the Grace of God the red choking marks around my throat went away, and luckily have stopped. But, they've only stopped because I have stopped....stopped trying to make something work that won't EVER work. And, I am reminded to follow God's path, which keeps us away from evil, and those who do it on earth.

 

Am I the best Christian in the world - far from it(so say some). But that doesn't matter at all. I know that if I follow God and Christ's lead, I will stay out of trouble, and alive. Whatever your religion/faith is, remember that it is based on a higher power than us. Something that sees us, our lives, and will protect us, as long as we embrace it."

 

Wade, hold on to your faith, remember that God is in control, always. He gives you the power to control your daily life, and that includes getting past this relationship, as hard as it is. You need to assume that she got the messages, and that she would get in touch with you if she wanted to make it work out again. I know that hurts like a stabbing knife to the chest, but use that hurt to remind you to move on. I still hate hearing people say "just move on", but it's true. Otherwise, you'll never know if anyone will be able to stack up to her, if you don't open yourself up to someone new, and that includes closing a chapter on the old relationship. Trust me man, I fight it every day, and sometimes every minute of the day. But again, remember that God makes things happen for a reason, and I don't exactly know what the specifics of your situation was, but know that he had a reason. And stop doing something I also do constantly, and that's overanalyze the "what if's" in the world. Think of this, what if that next great person stands right around the corner from you, but you'll never meet them because you're still caught up in the old relationship and its entanglements in your life. Now that's a "what if" I don't want to miss out on, and you shouldn't either.

[AB38]

i'm sorry for what you are going through. Please read my latest post: Do you really want your ex back? or the relationship back.

 

Listen, what you are feeling is normal. It's ok to be an introvert, you are young, chances are likely you will grow out of it. As far as not getting any younger??? You are 22!! Lots of time, lots of women, plenty of time for you to break out of your shell. I was socially shy at that age too. I grew out of it, so will you.

 

As far as closure, this my friend you will have to do on your own. No contact will help you break the cycle of pain that you find yourself in. Try and make some new friends, go to the movies, go to a bookstore. Try working out, the endorphines alone will help clear your head.

 

Know that you are worthy. Know that you are capable of love again. Feel free to PM me if you like.

 

Good luck man.

 

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[lisaria]

Hey Wade,

It sounds like you've had some bad times Murray, and that maybe you're getting better, I hope so anyways.

He has some good advice there Wade. I hope you know that he is right about the no contact rule. Use it. Don't worry about her anymore. She's just not worth it. No matter how special you think she is, you have to remember that it's YOU who is even more special. And you deserve better.

Closure is something we all want because then we can move on. But it just doesn't work like that when we talk about our exes. Simply because no matter what we expect or what we would do for them they are not the same as us. They will not do what we want them to. Obviously they want to just forget about us and that hurts like hell, but we can get through this. There's nothing else we can do. We can't force them back no matter how much we want to.

Be honest Wade, how much of this email is hope? The hope that she'll call or email you back with something nice so that you can hope even more. Get off of that rollercoaster. Hope does nothing but hurt.

Forget the email. Use No Contact. Give it time. You will get past this. You will meet someone else. You really will Wade. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. Time will help alot.

Lisa

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey Wade,

 

I say continue to lean on your faith. If God could guide murray out of an abusive relationship, and give her the strength to stay away, then He can give you that same kind of strength. Pray for that strength. And if it helps pray for your ex to have strength as well. That doesn't mean you're praying for her to come back, it means that you acknowledge no ill will, and that you hope to find some kind of peace.

[WadeCure]

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

 

Well something amazing did happen today, she replied on text message:

 

"Hi, my email is --------. We are switching from earthlink to another service so if i don't answer right away don't feel ignored. Joni"

 

Well... here goes. She's going to get my letter... who knows whats going to happen. But I pray and have faith that whatever happens, its for the best. If she replies negatively, I may be crushed, but it's better to be crushed and be able to grieve the relationship than to stay in this 'gray area' that I'm in right now at the moment. If positively, well, thats great but the relationships not going to kick back in gear until both of us are ready.

 

I will post an update when it comes. I want to thank you all so much for you warmth and your private messages of encouragement. If she's not right for me, I know someone is... I have too much emotion and passion in me to not share it with someone, I truly believe that. God instilled in me the ability to have deep feelings, and I consider it an asset.

 

Thank you all

 

God bless you and keep me in your prayers!

[WadeCure]

Her response:

 

>Hey, how are you? I just wanted to let you know I got your letter. Hope it >helped you to feel better. The reason I wanted us to stop seeing each other >because I did not see us going anywhere. It just didn't feel right. It has >nothing to do with being afraid of commitment. I want nothing more than >commitment. It just has to feel right, which is impossible to explain. I hope >this makes sense and helps you to understand where I am coming from. >You are a

>good guy but it just does not work between us.

>

>Joni

 

 

 

[WadeCure]

 

 

Response letter above. Please someone... talk to me, help me out.

[WadeCure]

I just... god I don't know. I feel like I'm stuck here. I really need people right now, I really need them. I know no one is going to be able to say magic words that will make me stop hurting. I know that.

 

I know that feeling this hurt and crying it out will help me in the long run. I know it will. I needed to get out of this 'gray area,' I needed to real bad.

 

Please just someone, help me... please.

[avman]

We're all here for you. This is a rough time I know. Keep pouring out what you are feeling. Have a long hard cry. I mean a really bad one with snot running down, feel like throwing up, face red kind of crying. Let your body purge all the bad stuff inside. It helps, it really does.

 

I'm really sorry to see you going through this. But I've been where you are several times. Its never fun. But its never permanent either.

 

avman

[WadeCure]

Thank you, thank you so much. Yea I'm having a good long cry.

 

I feel like I'm such a good person, that I deserve so much better in my life, but it hasn't happened for 22 years until now, and now it's gone. I'm sorry to sound bleak but I'm trying to grieve.

 

What I need right now is God. Please pray for me, everyone here, please.

[avman]

God is always there beside you. He directed you online to us to help comfort you. And he's not going to abandon you in your hour of need. Its when we are broken and battered that we can feel him at his strongest. And its because you are a good person that God is with you carrying you right now.

 

If this was truly the right situation for you it wouldn't have ended this way. God is trying to show you another path. Something that is more in line with his plans for you. Trust him right now that he will rebuild you and you will be stronger for having gone through this.

 

I believe God put me through some of the dark moments in my life to prepare me for this task on eNotalone. I truly believe my purpose is to help others. And if I hadn't gone through some of the things in my past, I wouldn't be nearly as understanding of things as I am now.

 

Believe that he will show you why all this has happened.

 

avman

[a_little_sparrow]

I will keep you in my prayers Wade.

 

It's at times like this that we need to trust God most. He is there with you, and know that with grief comes a greater understanding. He will help you see it. Trust Him.

 

And thank you avman for this wonderful site. You touch so many lives and ease them through difficult times. Thank you.

[avman]

I'm merely a volunteer here. Thank kamurj for the site. He is the owner and inspiration behind it all.

 

avman

[WadeCure]

Thank you all so much for your responses and prayers.

 

I just wish I could make sense of it all. Nothing makes sense other than she just lost attraction for me, or never had it to begin with. She didn't even offer to try to work it out. It just 'didn't feel right?' Lame. Very lame. Just tell me you aren't attracted to me.

 

I seriously want to forget this girl but I know I can't do that. She's gone... forever. I hope that someday, somehow, I'll meet someone else that will be an even better partner for me, someone whom appreciates my value and someone whose value I can appreciate.

 

I regret sending that letter stating I wanted to be friends, because the more I think about it the more I feel she has been leading me on. I don't want to be friends with someone who leads me on.

 

I really want to grieve bad, please guys, keep in touch and continue to pray

[WadeCure]

I'm not going to send this letter, but this should detail how I feel exactly. It's pretty bad, though I mean it not to be:

 

 

[deebee]

Hi WadeCure, I think her response was pretty clear: she reiterated the fact that she has chosen to break up with you, for her own reasons (whether or not they seem valid to you). In another post, I advised you not to send your first letter, suspecting that you actually wanted to get back with her and also that it could lead to more confusion and hurt. So I would definitely advise you NOT to send the second e-mail!

 

I know this situation is painful for you - it's similar to my own. But I have found that maintaining No Contact, while difficult, has been a key factor in getting over the break. And I am starting to feel better now, for the first time in two months. Take the excellent advice that others have given you in this thread and give yourself the time you need to get over it. Because you will feel better and you will find someone else more deserving of you.

 

Don't dwell on the negatives - I did that for two days after my girlfriend told me we were splitting (well, I had to ring her to find find out where we were after a two week 'break', only to find out that she had made her mind up and hadn't bothered telling me ). Funnily enough, mine was also something along the lines of 'we don't gel, it shouldn't be this much hard work, we're too different etc'. I was so upset, confused, hurt and angry, I kept going over everything that had happened, rexamining things. I quickly realised I would go mad if I kept doing that, so self-preservation made me accept that I hated it, but that I was going to have to accept it and move on with my life. Nothing I could do or say would get back what we once had. She had taken the decision to end the relationship on her own and I didn't agree with it. Without realising, I initiated No Contact and tried to come to terms with the loss on my own. It has been hard, but like others have said, soon you will realise that you have gone one hour, then two without thinking about her. And when you do think about her, the pain will subside, slowly.

 

So keep positive, get back with old friends, do stuff just for you and maintain No Contact!! It gets better one day at a time.

[WadeCure]

Thank you all so much. If it's possible. Please someone talk to me one on one via instant messenging. I really want someone to talk to and listen to. trazAKAtarvis on AOL and email removed

 

Thank you all so much

[WadeCure]

WOW!!!!!

 

I just learned moments ago that I am going to become an uncle!!!! My sister-in-law is pregnant!!! I am joyful!!!

[avman]

HEY CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!

 

 

Told you God would take care of you. Gave you a little joy in your life!!

 

avman

[WadeCure]

Thank you very much! I'm ecstatic!

 

But anyway, God worked another wonder. He helped me realize that this girl was wrong for me, she replied and she was real hateful and said the reason why she stopped seeing me. The reason? A panic attack that I had and I accidently sounded accusatory to her, it's a long story but I'll be willing to flesh it out if someone wants to hear it. She knew I had anxiety problems before. I deserve someone much better for me than this, she couldn't accept me for who I am and I have been working on my anxiety for many months now.

 

The thing is she is also a liar. She lied to me in telling me she forgave me for the panic attack before she left me. This is someone whom I want???

 

I'll flesh out the panic attack story.

 

The week before she broke it off with me I got a prank phone call from someone claiming I was 'messing around with their girl' and other profanities. Turned out the pranker was one of my so called friends. Immediately after the call I wanted to call Joni and find out what was going on, and I was having a panic attack. I came at her accusatory, not realizing I had done so until after hanging up. But in my mind I never thought she had anything to do with it. The reason is because she told me of a huge sensational story about some stalker haunting her family and trying to do damaging things to them. I thought perhaps that this 'stalker' stole her cell phone and found my text messages on there, and decided to come after me. Plus, there have been people around town that do not like me and are always trying to physically confront me. All I could think of was defending myself and the safety of my family. Afterwards I realized what I had done and I apologized so many times sincerely and she said she forgave me. Turned out she wouldn't forgive me. She lied to me. She knew about my anxiety, and she still couldnt accept that I made a mistake even after promised her I learned from it though she said she was going to forgive and forget.

 

I do not deserve a liar. I do not deserve someone who can't accept me for who I am. Sure I made a mistake, but I was very sincere in my apology and my vow to not let it happen again. I do not deserve someone who can't forgive me when I was sincere. I deserve a better partner.

 

I hope I don't sound arrogant, the above is self-talk trying to boost myself up and get over this person whom is not so wonderful after all.

 

I hope I can keep these thoughts in my head, if so getting over her is going to take no time whatsoever, heck, I'm probably already done.

 

Thank you all for your prayers. Please talk to me on instant messenging, I wanna make new friends!

[AB38]

You are going to be just fine my friend. Keep telling yourself that you are a person of worth and principles. I think you will start having more good days than bad.

 

Good luck and congratulations on becoming an uncle!

[WadeCure]

She keeps e-mailing me and its more and more obvious that she can't accept me for who I am and she lied about forgetting. All this is doing to me is making me feel even more deserving of something better.

 

I hope this isn't a false sense of self-esteem because she tore me to shreds saying I was self-righteous intolerable and despicable when I told her of the good news that happened to me after the breakup, saying that I had recommited myself to Christ and was baptized and encouraged her (politely) to seek Him out if she didn't know Him because He could bring her joy like no other. She accused me of trying to use my beliefs to make her feel bad or guilty or going to hell, when my real intention was just trying to tell her of my good news. Oh well... I'm dead serious I was polite too. I know that sometimes there are some radical hypocritical Christians out there who do the "You are going to hell!" thing and I dont believe that's the right way to go about it.

 

Now the tables have turned, now she is the one who's accusatory, lying, not accepting of me, etc. etc. etc.

 

There's more.

 

Yesterday, when I went to my psychologist he gave me a form of Christian therapy. And I felt like I had a profound spiritual experience. I felt like there is someone else out there who is a MUCH BETTER fit for me, I felt like I was going to be a great uncle too!

 

I feel very connected to the Lord right now. This morning I turned on my television and on the television was someone explaining who is an appropriate date: someone who doesn't fornicate (Joni had sex) or someone who's sincere in their apology about fornication (she said she is not ashamed of her past)

 

A sign that I'm even more valid perhaps? Or more reason to feel like I'm self-righteous jerk?

 

Thank you all for your congratulations on my new joy in life and thank you all for helping me out, you guys have saved me from self-destructive habits. Thank you! God has truly blessed me by coming here.

[WadeCure]

Well I thought it over and thought it over and I don't see anyway I came off as self-righteous. But, I probably shouldn't have brought up the Gospel given the situation we were in. Like I told her, I just wanted to share my spirituality with someone who I thought was dear to me.

 

I never claimed to be perfect or a good person. I guess this is her attempt at a low blow to my self esteem, just even more reason why I deserve better.

 

I hope the Lord can forgive me for doing what I did, but I thought I was doing the right thing. The preacher at my church said that once you get saved you want to spread it to the world, thats what I felt like doing.

 

I left her saying that if I came off self-righteous then I'm sorry because my intention was just to spread the Good News not to make her feel guilty.

 

No contact has been initiated. Already I am over her, the only thing I'm not over is how I might have done something against the Lord.

 

Oh well... I had good intentions. I really did.