please help! i have nobody to ask about this

[janey]

Hi. I've read some posts here that have to do with jealousy and dealing with the past, and dealing with porn and other sexual issues.

I have a problem with these issues too. I'd appreciate as much input as I can get on this, especially if you have any relevant experiences to share.

 

I'm a woman in my 20's and I have a great boyfriend. Our relationship is perfect, except:

I have trouble dealing with his wild past.

He has done pretty much everthing, slept with many women, had group sex, even tried sex with men (briefly).

I, on the other hand, have very little experience.

Also, he has a really big apetite for all kinds of porn - straight, gay, lesbian, trans, bizarre things, toys, whatever.

I like that sort of thing sometimes, but not nearly as much as him. I guess that's the classic difference between men and women though, that men are very visually stimulated and women aren't so much.

 

Now, I always thought of myself as very liberal in my beliefs. I believe people should be free to experiment, to do what they want and look at what they want.

But now that I'm in a relationship with someone so free himself, I find myself obsessing about it.

 

He has never cheated or done anything suspicous, and I've never known him to have cyber sex or any of those things...

But still, I obsess about his sexual exploits from the past, especially the more bizarre stuff. I don't think of anything as gross or disgusting until I think of HIM doing it. Then I feel threatened.

The same goes for porn - even though I reserve the right to look at weird things myself, I obsess about what he watches.

 

I've told my b/f how I feel, and he does his best to please me and reassure me. But what can he do? I find myself thinking awful things about him, like that he's a pervert, or a closet homosexual, even though I've been curious about lots of kinky things myself.

I can't seem to let go of the past, and I can't seem to stop worrying about the future. This is ruining my life.

 

Please help me! Why am I so worried? I keep looking at the relationship itself and don't see any problem, neither sexually or emotionally. Why am I being such a jealous prude?

 

Please please share if you have anything that may help, and if you have any questions that may clear this up, please ask... I have nobody to turn to. This is a really serious issue for me.

[janey]

I also just wanted to mention that my b/f's "wild days" were many years before we even met. Since then he had some serious girlfriends, and now me. Which makes it even stranger that it bother me so much, because it seems like it was just a phase. Maybe it's the porn that keeps reminding me of those things... or maybe I'm just too obsessive...

Anyway sorry to ramble so much. Thanks for listening.

[Trinity1607306450]

Hi Janey. I identified strongly with your post. My boyfriend has a very

wild past also, one involving stripping, drugs, alcohol and illicit sex.

I also have a wild past, although I wouldn't say I have experimented as much as he has. I understand what it feels like to feel threatened or to feel that you won't be 'enough'. I have a double standard sometimes; I feel that I can monitor my own conduct, and feel that I am free to do what I would like, yet sometimes become obsessed with what he might be doing when we aren't together. But that's as far as I let it go. I try to practice detachment. I also stay focused on positive things within the relationship. Worrying about something that hasn't happened, or before it happens, won't help. Controlling or obsessing doesn't work either. Personally, I think it's a huge turnon for men as well as for women when their partner has healthy self-esteem, and feels good about who they are. Try to demonstrate that by respecting not only your b/f but yourself. Stay active outside of the relationship doing things that you enjoy, and it's possible you won't obsess so much anymore. If nothing else, practice acceptance. Some things just are. Everyone deserves a second chance.

Enjoy yourself! God bless.