Please interpret this the best you can- me and my ex

[mrd]

So about two years ago, my exgirlfriend and I got together and were together for 6 months. Things were really good. She and I were both pretty attached and dependant on one another. Anyway, that all ended, and the end wasn't so great. Most of it was caused by me not accepting the breakup and her continually blowing me off after making plans to do something. She would also occasionally mention getting back together during this period. When I called her on this she would just avoid the blame. What ended up happening was we hung out everyday for 6 months, and then one day we didnt really hang out anymore. we would see each other occasionally but it was always weird and we werent really friendly towards each other. It was a hard transition.

 

So, about a month ago, she starts talking to me again online. We have some really good conversations, and eventually agree to hang out. Also, one night, seemingly randomly, she tells me she's been thinking about 'us' and how things were. she talks about us hanging out and getting back together. And she talks about how we used to do it alot, and how we should try to resist 'crazy sex on the second first-date'. Basically she talks about getting together and us getting to know each other again. I like the idea, and I wanna give it a try to, just slowly. I also confess to her, that it pisses me off real bad when we makes plans and she bails out, and thats my one concern about us hanging out again. So I call her and try to make plans, and she blows me off the first few times, but with excuses. Then she asks me to hang out, and we hang out two days in a row. Things are pretty cool; we interacted the same as we did when we were together, and the conversation was good. She makes plans to hang out again and blows me off. She gives a decent excuse. Then she blows me off again and again. Everytime we're supposed to hang out, theres a pattern. She'll agree to hang out, and be real nice and receptive of the idea. Then she'll call me before hanging out, and tell me when she'll call me back so we can arrange to meet somewhere. Then she'll call me back with updated information of when she'll be done so we can meet. Then she will either A- not call me back or B- call me back and say its too late to do anything. This is obviously real annoying. The first few times this happened, I tried to take some pressure off her, and said 'hey, im glad we're friends again', just to assert what our relationship is (for the time being). then she continued blowing me off. Sometimes when she blows me off, she will make other plans with me, to make up for it. she also blows me off these times.

 

She's told me a bunch of times that she has issues with committment and stuff. her parents were getting divorced when we broke up.

 

Additional background info: We both just got out of relationships and are mutually aware of this. Hers was 18 months and bad, mine was 5 months and good. There is no way she is getting back together with her ex.

 

So I ask you, the reader:

-Overall, what is her deal?

-Why would she make plans to hang out with me when she fails to follow through, a majority of the time?

-Why is she uncomfortable, even just being friends? Its been nearly 18 months since we broke up. Why would she still have this sketchy behavior after such a long time?

 

I've wanted to ask her about this, but I'm sure it'll make things really weird. I'm not really looking for advice on what I should probably do, as I already have a good idea of what I'm gonna do. I just want to better understand how she feels . however, if you think you have good advice, I welcome it.

[xxatti]

Its obvious that you're not really a priority to her. I would be careful not to let yourself get to attached to the idea of you and her getting back together. A lot of times girls will go back to ex's, especially after a break-up to see if they can get back the feelings they had before. Re-live the good times so to say. Which would make sense seeing she's not getting those feelings anymore from her recent ex. But eventually they tend to realize why the relationship ended in the 1st place and that she doesnt have those feelings anymore. That's when they move on and find someone else who can bring those feelings back.

 

Im willing to bet this is playing a factor in things. She might even be aware of what she's doing and is uncomfortable hanging with you because she doesnt want you to get too attached.

[raider5]

I agree.

 

So you want to know what's her deal?

 

1) She really has commitment issues. Note that women don't USUALLY have direct commitment issues like men do. If she had commitment issues she would fall for someone unavailable, she wouldn't directly do the whole "fear of commitment" thing that guys do. BUT I SAY USUALLY. But don't look at commitment issues as an excuse, it's an inherent problem. Ever read the book "Men who can't love." HA! Why would you. But go to amazon and read the reviews. The point is that this maybe a problem that you just can't fix!

 

Let me ask you this, was she the one that said, "I have commitment issues" when you confronted her about her behavior. If she did I'd say she's treating this as some kind of excuse. What was her previous behavior with her ex? Did she really blow him off for 18 months straight?! I doubt it.

 

Also you should know what commitment issues amount to. It's not blowing someone off repeatedly. It's about not getting married, it's about sabotaging the relationship when it gets good or moves to the next level. But I can't see being about blowing someone off repeatedly.

 

2) You're her new rebound. She misses the attachment she had. How long was the period between her breakup and you're getting back together? Was this the reason for the breakup? Was she like this the first time you were dating?

 

 

Actually I was really searching hard for an optimistic #3, but I can't really explain her behavior in a benign way. Maybe you can. Can you really explain her behavior in a good way? As we see commitment issues isn't a good explanation it just shows there's a problem that she can't fix. So don't pretend that it's ok for you to put up with this behavior. But you tell us if you think there's a better explanation for her behavior.

 

For whatever reason she's not keeping on her promises. You've had 2 years to move on so it shouldn't be so hard to do it again if you have to.

 

Good luck.

 

My recommendation: NC

[bri]

One of my best friends acts exactly the same as your girlfriend - in fact I've noticed that the more she insists on meeting and the more phonecalls or messages we exchange prior to the planned meeting the more probable it is that she will not show up and/or switch her phone off. We've been friends for 13 years now and I must say that despite me pleading, begging or threatening nothing had changed in this department. In the meantime I got a degree in psychology so it is now quite obvious for me that she is a commitmentphobic and I just stopped taking it personally. She doesn't even realise there is anything wrong about her behaviour. And as she is already 36 chances are she will never change without therapy. And of course she doesn't thinks she needs therapy. She has also never engaged in any long-term relationship (in fact her love-life consists of short-lived sexual flings), she never had a steady job.

 

I have found that the only to still be friends with her is not to plan anything with her as this usually costs me a spoiled evening, vacation, business etc. So when she calls to arrange for a meeting I say I don't know what I will be doing and that she can visit me if she wishes but I'm not sure if I'll be home. Seems to work fine and we see each other much more than previously.

[mrd]

 

 

-She's told me about the committment issues at various times. She told me about them when we were together and things were still good. She told me about them a few months after we broke up, and about a month ago when we started talking again. When I call her on blowing me off, she usually won't say its committment issues, and give some other excuse.

-When she was with her other ex, I assume things were normal. I know she blows him off now, since he calls her and starts fights. Also, he cheated on her, so its understandable she wouldnt wanna talk to him.

-Its been almost 2 months since she broke up with her other ex. I'm not sure I understand your 1st question, as we arent back together. She was not like this when we first dated. When we first dated she would always ask me to hang out and she would make a point to spend a lot of time with me. I basically never had to initiate hanging out. When we were together she would call me everyday in the morning and we would basically hang out everyday. She didnt blow me off ever until we broke up.

 

I'm not sure how to explain her behavior. I don't understand if she could hang out twice without problems, why wouldn't she hang out more? afterall, it was her idea. She could always just not make plans with me, that would probably be a lot easier.

I'm an idiot and I like to frustrate myself, so I'm probably gonna make plans with her a few more times, and then after that I'll go with no contact.

[mrd]

anyone else have any input?

[mrd]

anyone?