Respond or not

[rapunzel]

This may belong in the "internet dating" section but it applies more to my healing after break up so here goes:

 

I've tried different online dating sites in the last couple years, including Match and some free sites. I move really slowly and often I hide my profile as I really don't like the lack of privacy and I find the pickin's in my age group to be rather slim.

 

Anywho, one of my ex's best friends, let's call him "Joe", has written to me EACH TIME I appear on one of these sites. (This ex remains my bandmate who I see about once a week). The first time I was friendly to Joe and replied and I think he knows I'm not interested. He also comes to a LOT of our shows so I see him in person as well. I do not know what if anything he knows about me and my ex, since we were not open with the two short relationships we had (3-4 months a piece).

 

So I just ventured into one of these sites in the last few weeks and there this guy is AGAIN. I avoided his profile like the plague and I noticed he was not that active which made me feel safer. Lo and behold, the other day he writes to me: "Hey, you again?' It REALLY annoyed me. I don't understand why he doesn't just leave me alone and of course, I worry he will tell my ex. Yes, I know I should not worry about what my ex thinks but I hate the thought that he thinks I have to go online to meet men.

 

And my ex is still actively online, still lying about his age on one of these sites, so if anyone should feel weird, it should be him - right?

 

So I don't see any reason to reply to Joe, his comment does not seem to invite a reply. I did not reply last time he wrote to me on POF. I feel this last incident was almost like taunting. He may even be at our show this weekend and I hope he doesn't say anything.

 

This is why I hate online dating. Thoughts? Am I doing the right thing to not respond?

[Psinic]

Yeah, if you dont feel comfortable replying then dont. Although i dont see anything in his mail to suggest anything other than friendly contact. He might wish for more, but if you have made your feelings clear then leave it at that. He might just be trying to be friendly, but doing it in an od way???

 

As for worrying about your ex knowing your online, thousands of people use online dating sites, and it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Its a good way to meet people you otherwise would not happen accross. What is to be ashamed of is lying about yourself on these sites like it sounds your ex is doing..

[rapunzel]

Thanks. Maybe I'm overreacting because of who this guy is, so close to my ex. This guy "Joe" is over 50 and you would think he would just know to leave it be. At this point, it doesn't feel friendly, it feels annoying.

 

I just feel like "You again?" is somewhat of a taunt. Again, I may just be overreacting.

 

Yeah, ex was 6 years younger at 43 than his true age (50) on the last site he was on and on this current site he's on, he's now 46. At least he is getting closer to the truth.

[rapunzel]

Also, I haven't made my "feelings clear". He never really asked me out or asked if I was interested. I did not write back to him the last time he wrote to me on another site so I did not feel I had to be any clearer than that. I just don't understand the intent behind his contact.

 

My ex told me when we were dating that "Joe" thought I was "pretty hot". I have zero interest in Joe.

[Psinic]

LOL - well that will only end up shooting himself in the foot.. I am a guy, but if i mt a girl online that lied about her age, i would immediately wonder what else she has lied about. Not a good basis for any serious relationships...

 

You sound like you are doing really well, and don't need the atention from "Joe". So dont respond. Im sure he will eventually get the message

[rapunzel]

Thanks. I am not going to respond.

 

I am biased but in my age group my ex is probably one of the more desirable, good looking men on the site. There are so few available, in shape men in their late 40's, early 50's that I think he will get away with lying about his age. His last fling was with a 35 year old. Again, out of my control and not something that should concern me. Yet here I am, writing about it. I just saw him last night at our rehearsal. *sigh*

[Psinic]

Hey, its understandable.. You had a connection, your going to always feel something for your ex no matter what. That's kinda inevitable unfortunately. But with time it should get easier and easier to put it out of your mind. Nothing wrong in talking about it though

[BlueRizla]

Hi Rapunzel

 

Glad to see you sound more positive. As for Joe.. his intent doesnt really matter. It's what you want that matters and thats nothing with him.. therefore I'll agree..no response. You can still say hello if you see him and he talks to you. I feel that's being polite though it might be best not to initiate any conversation if you can help it. It's a different ballgame on a dating site where contact is in essence 'loaded' and is usually interpreted as some form of chat up. He must be aware of this. You are most likely not the only woman ignoring him. Keep working on doing/figuring out what you want/need and less about anyone else.