Mama's Boy

[LilyannRose]

I recently started dating one of my closest friends...we've known each other 7 years. I am recently divorced from an abusive marriage (about a year ago). He has never had any sort of relationship. I am 21 and he is 20 and we both live at home. Things were great but we recently had our first real argument and his mother has become involved. I have found out that many of the times I have confided in him he has asked his mother advice on my problems. I have told him this bothers me. He has lied twice to me now, just small white lies trying to be polite. The second time is what started the argument because I watched him dozing when we were discussing a disagreement and when he woke up he tried to tell me he hadnt. I wouldnt have been as upset if he hadnt lied. Anyways I tried to talk to him even though it became quickly apparant I should have given him space but I was so upset I couldnt get myself to do it. So I went home with him anyways. He was trying to get some space by playing on his computer while I read a magazine but when the computer glitched he left, not saying anything. I went downstairs and found him talking to his mother about our argument we were in just then. I was mad that he wouldn’t talk to me but would talk to her and had left me sitting in his room alone, and was talking about me while I was right there in the house. I insisted on staying in his room that night and the next morning wasn’t very responsive at breakfast. He told me his parents were upset about the rules being broken (I am supposed to sleep on the couch) and I had meant to apologize but I am somewhat shy and didn’t…then I got this e-mail:

It's very difficult for me to write this, but Dad and I have made a decision that Son is not to bring you to our home anymore. Your behavior the last time you were here before this weekend was rude toward all of us, and it was very upsetting in light of how we've included you in our family. I realize that you were having a fight with Son, but we are not the enemy and didn't deserve to be ignored at the table and when we said good morning to you. Even the girls are upset about it, and they tried to consider you as a sister. We do not have many rules in our home, but one that we will absolutely not budge on is that you are not to be sleeping in the same room as Son. Yet you deliberately broke that rule because you didn't want to be separated from Son for the night and were willing to lie to us to get what you wanted. We deserved an apology, yet you went this entire weekend not dealing with the matter when, according to Son, you knew how upset we were about it and that an apology was in order. We allowed you to come here after this treatment only because we were told you needed a safe place to stay, but in the future your safe place will be someplace else.

Son shared with me some of the problems you were having that weekend, and apparently you were very upset that he lied to you about falling asleep while you were talking. It seems you value honesty very highly but only when it's convenient for you. Why was it alright to be dishonest with us about sleeping in Son's room, but it was such a horrible thing for him to lie to you about falling asleep when he had already told you he was tired? At least he apologized to you. And why was it alright for you to be sullen and rude to us in OUR home, but when we even act the slightest bit standoffish toward you, you claim we hate you?

We have bent over backward to make you feel welcome and part of our family, but we will not tolerate being lied to and manipulated in our own home. It is very difficult for us to watch how you treat Son, but he is an adult and has to make his own decisions about his relationships. I hope that you can show some maturity and realize that you have brought this on yourself and that he is not responsible for our decision. I am writing this directly to you to take him out of the middle of it, so don't take your feelings out on him.

With regret,

Mom & Dad (changed names)

I really don’t know what to do about this. For one much of what she said were feelings or problems I confided to my boyfriend in confidence, which he apparently parroted back to his mother. Also, he does not parrot what I say accurately and her opinion seems to come from a very one sided story. He has lied to his dad about coming to see me and hasn’t been forth coming about our sexual activities. They are Christians so that would not be acceptable. I didn’t ask him to lie to her- I didn’t care at the moment because I was upset with him. That is part of how it is one-sided. The hate them part was me expressing and trying to work through my insecurities about being liked and I feel very betrayed that he told her. It just seems so unfair. Also, when I asked him her opinion of me before this e-mail he said she said (I hate how that goes) she thinks I have anger issues I need to work out in counseling. Of course I do and I was in counseling up until I recently moved home and started dating him. What bothers me is that she shouldn’t be able to deduce something so personal about me when I have never talked to her about myself or my problems. His family has always been very strict the whole time I’ve known him so the reaction shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did at first. I feel like I cannot trust him to keep my confidence…and I see a relationship as a place to share emotions and support each other. I don’t feel safe to do that. If I wanted to share things with his mother I would talk to her myself. I can even understand him asking her advice on our issues (when I’m not around) because I ask others for advice and vent to them but he is sharing my personal feelings!

I love my best friend and boyfriend very much but I am very upset when I feel his family has ganged up on me without even hearing my side of the story. This response also seems like such an overreaction. I just don’t know what to do. Is this another unhealthy relationship that I should be leaving now or should I stay and try to work it out-and if so how do I fix this and deal with being with what I see as a mama’s boy? How can I continue to confide in him and have our relationship grow when he passes it on to his mother. I’m afraid I’ve gotten myself in another unhealthy relationship at the extreme opposite end of the spectrum. I am very disappointed because he really seemed like the nicest sweetest guy I’ve ever been with and I thought we could really work out a healthy relationship. But when our first real argument ends up concerning his whole family just 5 months into the relationship that seems like a red flag to me.

I feel like this problem has gotten way out of proportion and I have no idea how to handle it or what to address first.

[abitbroken]

The email mentions that you "came out of treatment" and needed a safe place to say. Was this rehab? if so, could it be possible that your boyfriend and family were trying to create a safe place for you to stay, yet keep you accountable for your actions? (that it wasn't about the two of you living together) I don't think its right for your boyfriend to tell his mom everything, but if the tone was set to help you heal and hold you accountable maybe he was looking for advice. Perhaps it would have better if someone else was his sounding board. I know a few people that were in your shoes, and even myself after a quite violent divorce easily played the blame game or lied for my own self preservation having been in a very "kept" relationship where I had to resort to telling white lies to even open the door to walk down the street.

 

I agree 100% with the mom about the sleeping in the same room thing. You are staying or visiting under their roof and they have absolute right to uphold the rule of folks that are not married or engaged may not stay in the same bed together. If you refuse to follow the rules, they are not going to change them. It is not a case where their son has brought his girlfriend home to them to live temporarily where your relationship naturally progressed for that, but the case is that you just may not have another place to go.

 

Also, you feel you are in another unhealthy relationship. I hardly find someone who has a family that was willing to take you in is completely unhealthy. I feel that you are saying so because you don't have folks here who are letting you get "your way." I think that you need to decide if you want their help with a roof over your head and getting back on your feet - or not. If you do - then it is not going to be "your way." If you were in treatment already divorced at 21, then maybe "your way" is not working and its time to try something new. It sounds like from the letter that she doesn't tolerate lying in her house, either.

 

I am not minimizing the fact that your boyfriend confided in his mother and you are mad about it - but you have to decide what this is going to be in your life. Either you have to choose pick your battles or you have to leave and figure Plan B out. I think if you were living seperately and your boyfriend told his mom stuff, you should be madder. However, under her roof, you are her responsibility and accountable to her to some extent just like the daughters and your boyfriend are.

[LilyannRose]

I am not living in his home. I was in a battered womens shelter for two months when i first left my husband and was in counseling four months prior and the year after. I moved home (diff city) to live with my mom and try to start over I guess. The 'safe place' was something I never would have asked his mother for. My mother and her boyfriend got in a fight and he broke her computer and the police were called. I told my boyfriend to go home because he had no reason to be there or witness that. I was upset about their fighting and concerned my mother and I may need a new place to stay...I wanted to get out of their way basically so I asked my boyfriend if I could spend the night after a concert we went to the next day. I didnt realize he hadnt asked (he does that a lot) until the three of us were in the kitchen and my boyfriend said "o yeah, she needs a place to stay tonight" I didnt understand why he said 'needs' until this email...noone had told me I wasnt welcome there, apparently he knew though. I am not contesting her rules and really did want to apologize. it was wrong for me to break the rules and dumb of me to come home with him in the first place when he needed space...but as i said I was upset and not acting rationally. I am not upset he goes to her for advice...its when he shares my personal problems or passes on feelings i have confided in him and gone to him to vent and work through. i actually like her a lot and have a lot of respect and admiration for her I just feel very betrayed when my personal business is spread out. i feel like his whole family has ganged up on me without even saying a word to me...everything is conveyed through greg...who downplays it. he told me they were unhappy about it but downplayed it so much...i thought more was wrong but he seemed to think it was nothing. i dont know what to do now to rectify the situation...aside from apologize (better late than never?) but how do I handle this constant breach of my confidence and his mothers involvement?? i'm concerned this may not be the healthy relationship i thought it was...im concerned that 3 is a crowd.

[DontGetStung]

Three is, most certainly, a crowd. You sound like you have gone through a lot more than he has, and have had to grow up rather quickly. I don't know how long you've been dating your friend, but I'd suggest just ending it with him, and depending on how the two you feel, put the friendship on hold for a couple months or so.

[HouseKitten]

Time to break up.

 

The chances of you having any sort of future with this guy after this are pretty low. You might be fine just dating but one day you might want to live together, get married etc, and it'll be nigh on impossible to do those things smoothly since you've made a terrible impression with his family, whoever's fault that may be. This is going to cause ructions in any relationship you have with him forever and the chances are, his parents are probably advising him that you're not the right girl for him as well.

[abitbroken]

Time to break up.

 

The chances of you having any sort of future with this guy after this are pretty low. You might be fine just dating but one day you might want to live together, get married etc, and it'll be nigh on impossible to do those things smoothly since you've made a terrible impression with his family, whoever's fault that may be. This is going to cause ructions in any relationship you have with him forever and the chances are, his parents are probably advising him that you're not the right girl for him as well.

 

I disagree with the reasoning. Break up if you want to but I don't think you should be looking at a "future" beyond just friends or casual dating right now. I agree that after being in a shelter and then having what happened with your mom and your boyfriend - where have you had time to heal from your divorce? Perhaps its too soon to jump into a relationship other than a friendship. if your mom's boyfriend smashed her computer, etc, the apple doesn't fall from the tree. I am not trying to be snarky, but could it be you are repelled from this young man who hasn't had a fast life and asks advice from his parents because it is totally foreign to you? He seems like a "safe" person whether he is the one for you or not (and right now you should probably cool off on anything serious anyhow). heck, my ex's family thought I was really crazy and really - I had a pretty stable family and they were out of control. They had no boundaries, etc and even their extended families 9cousins, aunts) shook their head at their behavior.

 

Right now, I am dating a guy who is really close to his parents and I woudln't have been able to stand that if I had met them 10 years ago - but its kind of nice. He definitely has his own space, but if he were to have brought me home to them they would have been in charge of what goes on in their house. Everyone has a pretty healthy sense of boundaries - but when there is a crisis, they do come together.