How to accept a compliment from men? advice..

[aurevoir]

When I was little, i was awkward and skinny. And everyone liked my sisters more. I would always be jealous and this turned into me being very self-conscious about myself. Everyone loved them, all the guys asked them out and never me.

 

But things began to change when I grew up. As soon as I started highschool and til last year til now, i noticed many guys and girls have been complimenting me.

Guys started paying attention to me.. it was nice but at the same time I came off as * * * * * y or rude or stuck up. Only because I was never used to the compliments or guys talking to me period. I can't leave the house without at least one person complimenting me. And I feel terrible because I have no idea how to accept it. Now guys would stare at me and give me that 'look', which scared me to say the least. Guys approach me and try to ask me out and i'd turn them down asap. Not because i wasn't interested, again because how am I supposed to act? I wasn't used to this sort of attention and tbh i am still not. I dont mean to be rude but im not used to it. I want to like ACCEPT it and I want to see it but sometimes I can't. Guys are always trying to talk to me and sometimes i shy away. I have no idea how to stop this behavior because I know guys love confident girls.

 

Thing is I am confident, but when it comes to my looks and the moment someone compliments me i get upset. This is only because of how I grew up and having my mom tease and pick on me constantly.

 

Any advice..? Has anyone else been in this kind of situation?

 

 

And yes. When i was little and growing up, i had self-confidence and self-esteem issues.

It's like.. the physical part of me is changing and becoming something i only read about/see on tv you know those girls you want to date/ envy kind of, and it doesn't relate to how I feel at all. I'm sorry if that is confusing to read { i think i said why.. above. haha}

[Cognitive_Canine]

"Thank you." "aww, thanks. That's nice" and a smile.

 

Do you think you don't like it because you can't see it yourself?

[aurevoir]

Yeah.. sometimes.

[nutbrownhare]

We make a lot of decisions about the way the world is, when we're young. That includes decisions about ourselves, and they will continue to inform the way we view the world, unless we make conscious redecisions. When we're confronted with information which contradicts this world view, we either don't register it - or it can be a disturbing experience; that's where having the support of a therapist can be so useful when we're consciously trying to change. On some level, our world is being turned upside down.

 

So, if you have gone through life believing quite sincerely that you are skinny, awkward and that people like your sisters more than you - getting a load of information that this is NOT THE CASE is going to be a shock to the system. It also sounds as though you are getting too much of this information to ignore it, too - good for you!

 

What you really need is an update on this early decision, in the light of new evidence. You are obviously very attractive and striking; Cognitive Canine has given you some useful things to say on the outside, but if you can tell yourself that you are lovely, gorgeous and lovable it will not only make the compliments easier and more comfortable to receive, but in time you will come to believe it yourself. it's the 'fake it til you make it' school of philosophy! Since you are starting from a very self-effacing place, don't worry that it will make you arrogant or anything you may perceive as negative.

 

I very much hope you will be able to experience all these compliments as something pleasurable, in time!

[Ebrithil]

I found that the best way to change the way you are is to just listen to other people and react to what they say in a way that you would want somone to react. Dont worry about what they are thinking they wouldnt approch you if they thought you wernt a nice person.

 

When people compliment you try to instead of shrug it off smile at them, you dont need to say anything but sometimes the shy modist personality can be very attractive, you dont always have to be bubling over with confidence.

[aurevoir]

Yes growing up was quite difficult. Especially with everything and how my mom interacted with me differently then my sisters. Funny thing is, she doesn't recall ever calling me ugly, and other terrible things. Maybe she doesn't want to. But it is truly what I believed.

 

I do see a therapist. I should continue that though, because things are being brought back that i tried very hard to hide and it's not helping me.

Yes but when i say 'thankyou' i don't mean it. Which makes me feel even worse.

[Jake]

I can't really give on advice expect for support because I know how you feel.

 

 

I was the chubby shy kid in class that never talked to anyone. I can't say I was picked on but I was very self conscious and it made it hard to see myself as attractive.

 

That all changed in my teenage years and I look a lot better nowadays.

Problem is whenever I get a compliment I don't believe them because I don't see it myself or I viewed what they complimented as a negative thing already in the first place.

I actually got in an argument once with a friend because he complimented me...

 

 

I don't know what you should do but personally I just say, "thanks" maybe smile and move the conversation further on into something else.

 

 

-Jake

[aurevoir]

Oh my god, yeah I got into an argument as well...

[Jake]

Oh my god, yeah I got into an argument as well...

 

LOL!

 

Yea... afterwards I thought to myself, "I can't believe I just argued about a compliment!"

 

I've come to realize, slowly, that its my past and how I thought as a child that makes me act this way. However, I do NOT want to dwell on the past so I'm striving at getting better. It might seem weird but when you head out of the house for an outing quickly compliment yourself in your head when you look in the mirror. It isn't much..... but it's far better then looking in the mirror and shaking your head in disgust. And trust me I know how it feels to say, "thank you" for a compliment but you feel more like muttering "yea right" under your breath or even get angry and you want to yell, "lier!!" lol! Hang in there, you'll get used to the idea of guys finding you cute...eventually.

 

Overall my confidence is strong in almost everything, I know what I can do, I know my limits but my presumption of my looks or dating is a work in progress for now...

 

 

-Jake

[nutbrownhare]

I do see a therapist. I should continue that though, because things are being brought back that i tried very hard to hide and it's not helping me.

Yes but when i say 'thankyou' i don't mean it. Which makes me feel even worse.

If you can, get over the temptation to say (even to yourself) 'Yes, but ...'

 

It's a surefire way of staying stuck.

[amipushy]

Just say thank you and smile even if you don't mean it... Besides its more than just saying how nice you look, its about them showing you what a nice person they are.

[MakestheBest]

"Thank you" and a smile,

a smile and "thank you",

"thanks",

Big smile,

bashful smile,

"thanks so much!",

thank you" and a reciprocal compliment,

"thank you", a laugh and a joke.

 

thats pretty much how I handle compliments. Also I make self-deprecating remarks sometimes to make the person feel comfortable ( wouldnt necessarily recommend that tho). I hate to come off as full of myself or arrogant. e.g. My father's girlfriend is insecure about how beautiful my mother is. She game me a compliment saying how beautiful my mom must have been in reference to my looks. I turn to my dad and say " what she is saying is Mom had to be beautiful in order to counteract that (pointing to my dad) face". Everybody laughs and she doesn't focus on her insecurity anymore. Everyone is happy. lol

 

And its the most graceful thing to do is to make the person paying you the compliment feel like you appreciate it.

 

Always a smile, always a thanks...then ure done.

[DanDee]

I'm a bit similar to you. Was a chubby, unpopular child, a bit of a loner and unbelievably shy at school. Gradually though people started paying me compliments and I found them hard to believe, like they just felt sorry for me. Saw how shy I was and thought "this poot girl needs a compliment!" So gave me one. But this has become a regular thing now - in fact I look a little bit like you! The long black hair and pale skin.

 

The biggest problem however, is my dating life. No one asks me out - well not the one's I like anyway. I'm cripplingly shy and still think of myself as well... average most days. With the occasional, "yeah I am pretty days". My biggest problem is the guys I'm attracted to. They're the mysterious, dark, shy types and I can't help it, I wish I was attracted to the confident, outgoing types who do ask me out. But no, I like the cute, wall-flower guys, the ones who won't have the confidence to ask me out - possibly because they're intimidated I don't know... So the result? We're both too shy to do anything and unfortunately this situation keeps happening!! I need to work on my confidence so I can make the first move. They ain't going to!!

[givinggirl]

I can relate. I was not a cute kid, I was made fun of for my lack of coordination, my mom was always correcting my posture, telling me I have big hips or a bony butt. Once I hit my 20s, I started receiving compliments left and right. My great aunts thought I could be a model, I was often told I looked like Courtney Cox (when Friends was big), people like my blue eyes, my figure, even been called "smoking hot" a few times. I have guys look at me in that, I want her sort of way, yet I view myself as pretty average. I don't think that I am ugly, but I also don't think that I am beautiful. I always think to myself that I know that people think this of me, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree. They have their opinions and I have mine. When someone compliments me, I know that they mean it cause everyone compliments me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and most of the time, I will smile and say something stupid like, "Yeah?", they usually say yes back and then I say thank you shyly. It's probably not the best reaction to have, but I guess I have to own it.

[chelsea13]

Hey Aurevoir I can totally relate. Growing up my mum always call me ugly, I know that she doesn't mean it in a malicious way but the way she called me that - I really felt that I was ugly. And I never get compliments from relatives. Like you, I thought everyone found my sister much more attractive than me because people always talk about it.

 

However, as I grew up, I experimented with hair and makeup and all the rest of it... and came out with my own style. So most people I meet think I'm cute (which I believe... weirdly), and some think I'm pretty. However, I am sure that I'm not ugly but I never thought I was beautiful, I mean even if I think so then when someone else tells me that I am, I would have not believed it. Because the ideal beautiful person does not really resemble who I am now. Plus I was never so comfortable with my feminine side so I think of myself as a dude sometimes... so people calling me pretty would be weird to the ear.

 

I don't really have problems with receiving compliments.. it's not like I get them everyday but when I do, I just get this 5 minute high from it because it doesn't raise my self esteem if I don't believe that I'm beautiful.

 

But lately I'm starting to believe it myself even if I don't get compliments from others.. it really needs to come from the within

 

I guess what you can do is just smile and say 'thank you'. Often I would tell people they're beautiful and some of them just reacted with a huge shock on their face... which is kind of cute to be honest.

 

Some people probably hear it all the time so yea.

 

Just be graceful and say thanks

[aurevoir]

Wow we can surely relate. Especially the type of guys we are attracted too.

[citymouse]

I want to like ACCEPT it and I want to see it but sometimes I can't.

 

Smile and say "thank you."

 

Don't make a big deal of it in front of him even if you feel that way inside.

 

Practice smiling and saying "thank you" in front of the mirror if you have to... fake it until you make it, as they say.

 

With time it will get easier. Good luck!