Wow. I feel miserable.

[Juxtapoz]

This is long. I'm sorry. I hope you'll read anyway.

 

Toward the end of January--met boy, instant attraction. He pursued me. Our first date felt like our 5th, i was instantly comfortable like i had known him forever. There was one bombshell, however, and that's when he said his last girlfriend and him had broken up just days before he met me. They had been together for 8 or 10 months I think. He's 35. I'm 28. I got a little weary when he said that, but he insisted he was sincere and he really liked me. So we continued on with the evening. We were inseparable that entire weekend.

February (Valentine's Day)--he gave me a silver necklace with a globe on it (to symbolize our different nationalities and languages, and us being together). I almost cried when he gave it to me because no one's ever given me something like that before. I told him plain and simple that I wasn't interested in other boys, just him. Perhaps it was too soon to say that but I was speaking from my heart. And he responded that he wasn't interested in anyone else either.

Some Sundays we spent walking around half naked all day, eating, drinking, cuddling on the couch, having copious amounts of sex. It felt like paradise for me.

He's Spanish, doesn't speak English. We both knew going into this that the barrier would present challenges. But from day one he said he has all the patience in the world and so did I. One night late in February he told me he was crazy about me, and it takes him a long time to fall in love with someone. And that he wanted to "present me" to more of his friends as his girl.

We took a romantic trip together up north, spent nights in hotels. And I hate the cliche that this is, but looking at the photos, we look fu(king good together. The chemistry is undeniable, not just from the appearance, but the way things naturally gel when we're together. I'm crazy about him.

When we got home I felt weary again, because three consecutive days without any breaks was the longest we had spent together. I pulled away just a little because i didn't want to freak out. I sensed he did too, a little. But that's normal, we all need our space. The following weekend, I met more of his friends, but felt a little isolated and peculiar because I couldn't understand them very well and I felt like I was intruding on Guys' weekend, even though the whole time his eyes (and hands, haha) were on me.

I spent the night at his place on Sunday night, that following Monday morning, before getting ready for work, we had sex but this time, something wasn't right. I could feel a strange shift. After I left, I had this strange intuition like I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of days. I decided to accept it immediately and be courteous, and give him some space. The last thing I wanted to do was smother him.

That was Monday morning...by Wednesday night, I hadn't heard from him, so i sent him a text asking if he still wanted to go to salsa with me that night. He responded with an apology for not being able to go (couldn't leave work an hour early). I expected his response but didn't respond back. Thursday, no contact. By Friday evening I felt desperate. I had already gone through an array of emotions (sadness, fear, strength, confusion, you name it) and decided we had to talk if something wasn't right. So I texted him asking if we could talk. he said we could the next night (saturday) because he was going out with friends and that we could meet up at some point, talk and drink some tequila (like we always do on saturday nights).

So Saturday (a week ago, btw) I was out with my friends, he texted me asking where I was so i told him which bar. He showed up. I didn't know what to expect. But he was sweet, happy to see me, like nothing was wrong. Later I was ready to go home so I said goodbye, but he insisted on walking me home, so i did. And I told him, Look if you need space it's totally fine, I can give you plenty of space. But I don't like not hearing from you for a long time, makes me worry. He said he was sorry, and yes sometimes he needs more space than others and that he's strange.

We made plans for this past wednesday to meet and take photos around the city (we're both into photography, among other things). However, it rained so we just went to his house. I was very reserved, did not kiss him immediately like i normally did. We spent an hour talking about this and that, and he marveled at how much my Spanish had improved. Later, we finally did kiss and it was slow and passionate and amazing. We cooked dinner, cuddled on the couch, and honestly i PLANNED to go home but it was pouring down rain, lightning, thunder, so I stayed over and we had some of the best sex we've ever had.

Friday night (two days ago) he went out with his friends and me with mine. I couldn't stay out late because i had to work on saturday. i had a text from him really late (didn't hear it because i was asleep) asking if i was still out. Yesterday night (saturday) I texted saying I was going to a futbol game that night but wanted to see him after and drink some tequila. He said he might not be able to drink tequila that night after the night before, and I said, that's ok old man (haha), we can play chess instead because i want a rematch. And he responded (at 10 pm) that if I wanted to be defeated again we could play when I wanted. After the game (12 am), I sent him a text asking if he wanted to meet but no response.

 

Perhaps he fell asleep? But now, it's 1 pm the next day. i still haven't heard from him. I will admit, I cried a bunch over it last night. Not just because he didn't call me back but because i'm already terribly insecure over our relationship. I don't know where I truly stand with him. I'm worried I rushed things too quickly by telling him i didn't want to date other guys, I'm scared he still has feelings for his ex, and most of all I'm scared he's phasing me out. I need to communicate with him. It's difficult already but I need to. And I just don't know how right now...I know two months isn't a long time, and I'm so fu(king sick of people laughing at me when I tell them that's how long we've been together, as though I have no right to feel the things I feel. I don't want to freak him out with heavy conversation, all I want is some reassurance. And if he doesn't want to stay in it, fine, but all this stuff I NEED to know.

I'm sorry this is so long, guys....I wanted it to be short but it's not. That's just a glimpse of all the crap that's been going in my head for two weeks. What do I do? Right now I feel absolutely miserable, disappointed and miserable. And I feel toxic, like a repellent. Like no matter how sweet and awesome I am, something about me makes it impossible for someone to be with me for the long haul. Ugh....this sucks.

[getbiii]

=) you are a great person! im guessing you are a girl,

any girl that likes juxtapoz is amazing in my mind!!!!.

dont show any signs of weeknes!

if you want him! show him the Bad Ass Mother F**** you are =)

and that you can live with out him!

your confidence in yourself will get him !

you have to love yourself !!! the more you do the happier you will be and the more people will notice and want part of that happiness, after all that is what everyone is looking for in life!

[Juxtapoz]

I'm pretty content with myself, the self-loathing lines are the disappointment talking. And of course I can live without him. But I'm sick of feeling like an emotional yo-yo. Perhaps that isn't his fault, but still

 

i sent him a text today asking if we could talk. he responded saying he had just woken up recently and that he had fallen asleep last night and he hoped i wasn't angry with him and that of course we could talk, after lunch on MSN.

 

I responded with Angry, no. Disappointed, yes. If you preferred to sleep last night you could've told me and it would've been fine. MSN is impersonal, I prefer to speak face to face. Kisses

 

Waiting on his response....I'm having second thoughts about that last message......but I DO deserve some face time, don't I? Even though I don't even know what I want to say......I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!

 

Single people, save yourself the trouble and seal off your heart until he/she is at the ground begging for it. Otherwise you're in for it, breakouts and all. (i'm referring to my forehead, i never have trouble with acne but right now it looks like someone had target practice with their BB gun)

[getbiii]

tisk tisk tisk!

i could of told you myself he probably forgot to text you back,

don't let the insecurities get the best of you!

his ex is the past, and if he does have feelings for her than thats goood!

after all why would you want a man that can forget people that easily?

you are his present and the future doesn't exsist but it will be based on today,

i dated the love of my life after i just dumped a girl and i still had feelings for her at the beginning of our relation...

and don't worry about the whole emotional yo-yo thing!

you are only human!

you have feelings!

but try and think with you head and not your heart,

what i mean is when ever you get emotional, step back and relax take some time and don't text, call, or talk to him in anyway until you are calm again,

yes you deserve some face time!

you deserve the best, we all do.

but what do you want with that face time?

to let it go to waste arguing or discussing things that might not be?

or having some more fun time with him which will lead to more face to face incounters?

 

besides listen to what you are telling him...

he did nothing wrong but fall asleep,

im sure if he would of known he was going to do it he would of told you but sleeping just happens and it knocks you out!

[lavenderdove]

You need to try to relax and recognize that you are making this relationship way too important, and hence treating it's success or failure like a life or death experience and hence are working yourself up.

 

Sure, you may think he's great, but you didn't even know he existed two months ago. You're hovering over him taking the temperature of the relationship every moment, and what you should be doing is going about your life, including friends, work, hobbies, school, whatever existed in your life before him rather than making him the center of your world.

 

He SHOULDN'T be this important to you because you don't know him that well, especially with a language barrier. You're in love with love at this point and need to calm yourself down. He could be feeling smothered with all the texting and expecting to see him or be in contact with him constantly.

 

Most people who've dated a couple months will see each other a couple times of week, with a phone call or text maybe once or twice between times. If you're texting him all day, every day, or expecting him to call or be with you all the time, your rushing him and yourself.

 

Recognize if it is the right time and the right guy, it will work out. But if you're expecting too much too soon and hovering over him and the relationship, you'll spoil it for both him and yourself. You might consider some counseling to learn how to have a relationship without so much anxiety and such high expectations to totally lose yourself in the relationship when you don't really know him.

[coyote1980]

Ah...been there done that. I really hate that!!

Some guys make you totally vulnerable, don't they?

 

I'd say try not to focus on his texts and calls too much.

It could've been just the cultural differences?

He mentioned he needs space sometimes, so he may not be used to

msging people daily. He also said it takes for a long time to fall in love with someone.

Take things slow maybe??

[Kerrian]

Try not to let it bother you. I know it's difficult, and I know how you feel. My boyfriend and I are together for long periods of time without a break, and then when we're suddenly separated, I get really anxious for a while about him not responding to messages straight away, or forgetting to call me - but it isn't something to get quite so stressed over (as I have learned the slow and difficult way!) otherwise you find you're just getting angry at him or disappointed in him for something so tiny when you think of how good the rest of the relationship is.

 

I had some wonderful advice given to me at some point - that things don't affect us unless we allow them to.

You're letting yourself get stressed and worried about him not returning calls straight away, or needing a bit of space now and then, and hanging on his every action waiting for him to call is only going to make it worse every second that he doesn't.

For a while, try sitting back and letting things travel at his pace.

[Juxtapoz]

thanks for the helpful advice. i don't know what came over me this weekend, it was so difficult feeling like i felt yesterday morning. in fact, i was hesitant to revisit this thread, since this board is really the only witness to my extreme craziness i experienced.

 

what it boils down to for me is I am the type of person who needs a bit of certainty. when days go by and i don't know what's going on, my mind conjurs up plenty of ideas. i'm the type of person who likes to make decisions quickly so i won't spend any more time pondering. the feelings i had yesterday were not just because i did not see him the night before, but rather a lack of communication i had been experiencing with him for a couple of weeks. it's not often i fall for someone, i'm usually very self-protective because when i fall, i FALL. and it scares the crap out of me.

 

for the record, i'm not a serial texter/caller type. i don't flag them down with texts until they respond. but yesterday i needed to talk so i sent one. after a few sent back and forth, he made plans to see me last night. i had already taken a walk to cool off and got myself back to feeling normal (at the risk of sounding cliche, i'm also a walking ball of hormones right now), so when we hung out, i felt in control again. and we had one of the best nights because we had a heart to heart, we're two steps closer to understanding who we are as people, and we like each other more. i just have to get in the habit of keeping myself in check. i have a knack for torturing myself with limitless possibilities. it's not healthy.

 

i'm doing the best i can to focus on my life and my interests. sometimes i deal with isolation, living in a foreign country where the language is not easy for me. i've only lived here a short time so i'm still trying to meet people and make the most of my situation. fortunately i have comforts like photography to keep me busy when my mind is plagued.

 

anyway, thanks for reading my crap. i was honestly really embarrassed after the fact, but i'm glad i unleashed my "fury" on this board rather than on anyone in person, because they would've told me the same thing---get counseling. haha

 

 

p.s. getbiiii--you're great

[lavenderdove]

Everyone feels anxious in the early stages of dating someone when they don't really know what is going on, so you're not atypical at all in that way nor are you releasing too much 'fury'...

 

i think it just helps to remind yourself that relationships are meant to be about support and love and fun, and not to add more anxiety to your life, and when you find it going that way, it usually either means (a) you're getting worked up over nothing or (b) you're pushing too hard/fast and it is best to slow down and remind yourself you'll be fine whether the relationship works out or not or © something is really wrong with the relationship that you need to fix.

 

It really sounds like this is a combination of (a) and (b) at this point, so i'd try to just remind yourself that slow and steady wins the race when it comes to relationships, and that you'll be fine whether it works out or not.

[Juxtapoz]

I agree. Completely. Although I have a question....any advice on how to slow down and relax? I tell myself this daily, and sometimes this helps, but not completely. I know I can't change this overnight but this budding relationship is becoming more and more important to me and i don't want my insecurities to screw it up. Normally, I'd tell others to spend more time with their friends. But that's the problem--I don't have very many friends here. The ones I do have have very conflicting schedules, so much time is spent pondering when I'm not at work. Sometimes taking walks helps. But any further ideas are greatly appreciated.

[lavenderdove]

OK, that might explain why you make him the center of your world so quickly... you need to have friends, hobbies, other interests so that that one person doesn't become so important you obsess about him. In a way, even though you're not aware of it, you need him to 'rescue' you from whatever loneliness, boredom, etc. you have going on.

 

So the answer would be to start broadening your life as much as possible. Look for ways to make new friends, and get some other hobbies and interests going such that you're not just sitting around waiting for him to call. People who have active, full lives can have more balanced relationships not being totally dependent on their partner for attention and stimulation.

 

What do you like to do? Join a club, take up a hobby, read books or watch DVDs. And if you join clubs with shared interests you'll make new friends.

 

Also, if you're anxious, you may need more exercise to relax your body (and wear it out a bit) Exercise also resets brain chemistry to produce calm and reduce anxiety/depression in general. Why not join a health club or take a yoga class (where you can also meet people).

[Juxtapoz]

Well, as I mentioned earlier, I like photography a lot. It takes up some of my time but not all of it. I like art, music, that sort of thing. I would love to take a yoga or pilates class, but i will admit that i'm not too confident with my spanish (nor financially stable) to join a class here just yet.

 

I think a lot of it has to do with my state of mind, and to not feel so pessimistic about things. For example, on Sunday morning when I made this thread, I felt like it was all over and he wanted nothing to do with me. But I managed to change the mentality and clear my mind, and when I did see him, I felt normal, in control and not driven by my temperamental emotional side. If I can learn how to be that way all the time, or at least, most of the time, everything's good. And if I NEED to be crazy, or at least, emotionally driven like before, I'll just lash out on ENA. haha

 

thanks for the advice. i think it's gonna work out between us. i like him, he likes me, and i'm not going to make these stupid mistakes anymore.

[lavenderdove]

But a yoga class is perfect, because you don't need to speak the language. You just have to watch what the instruction and other students do, and emulate it. It could improve your spanish too, watching what the instructor says, then what the people do after she says it.

 

But you're on the right track... try to enjoy the relationship, and don't borrow trouble by assuming anything... look at his actions and see if he follows thru, and as long as he's being consistent and treating you well, you are OK>