I dont know what to do, confused some help!

[cruze105]

okay i have been dating this girl for almost a year now, well june 12 will be a year. Well a couple of days ago she mentioned to me about marriage and getting engaged. She realllyyyyyy loves me and guess in her mind she sees us together. She wants to get engaged now and get married 2 or 3 years later. I dont know what to do. i told her i will not see marriage or getting engaged until 25 or 26(i just turned 21)(she is 20). Last night we talked on the phone and i told that i think i needed to have some space and she asked me what was wrong and i told her that i didnt get the feelings like i use to when i first met her. (she started crying like we were breaking up) She said that i was definantly the one for her and she can see herself with me for the rest of her life. She says that i make her happy. I do love this girl, i guess its that i miss the single life, and i wanna be free again. I wanna be sure she is the one for me. I think i am too young to see being engaged or whatever at this point. She said she would wait as long as it takes for us to be together. I dont wanna hurt her cuz she has been hurt lots of times in her previous relationships.

But i just dont feel the same like when i first met her. I told her i wanted to space and she said okay but that i had to call her everyday and see her at least 2 times a week.

I know that if I actually do break up with her, that i will eventually come running back to her like her ex-bfs.

Someone help! ](*,)

[gemmy]

wow, it's weird to hear someone from the other side of things. First of all, you will not feel the same way about her like you did in the beginning, because LOVE GROWS and MATURES. Those sparks and butterflies disappear because your love grows and develops into another kind of love. maybe you are losing feelings for her, but just remember that love changes and when you are married for 50 years, it is a completely different love than your first year. it's still exciting though.

 

Secondly, do not lead her on. If you are going to end it, then just do it. Do NOT make her wait or take a "break". That is just cowardly b/c you are scared to hurt her. You will end up hurting her anyway, why make it worse??? Be gentle with her and explain your feelings openly and honestly. do not sugar coat it.

 

Thirdly, if you have a feeling youre going to go running back to her DON't. that is selfish. that is selfish of you to go back to her at your convenience. don't expect her to be there waiting for you. she might move on and find someone better for her that won't play with her emotions.

 

It sounds like you truly care for her though. You recognize the fact that she has been hurt in the past and that is good of you to see. She also sounds a tad bit needy. This may not be a good combination. If she needs to see you a certain amount and talk to you a certain amount, that is not a good sign. you both need to have separate lives and live them indpendently, without depending on someone else.

 

If you are having feelings that you are too young to be engaged (which you are). you are only 21. then you need to move on. you are sooo not ready for marriage and neither is she. she needs to love herself more in order to have a healthy relationship. So......I would say maybe you should end it, but please be gentle and DO NOT go running back just b/c you are bored, cant find anyone else, etc.........if you go back and then end up breaking up again, you really could destroy this girl's heart.

 

Thanks for letting me blab and good luck

[OceanEyes]

You're young and have a right to experience and sample life before you get married. That is totally understandable, and it's good that you were honest with her. But let's be honest, you don't even really seem to want a quasi-serious relationship with her right now.

 

In situations like these, it's always best to be straight with the person, which you have been about the whole marriage issue. But at the same time, you seem to be even having doubts about being with her even if you're NOT expected to marry her. If that's the case, get out now and let her move on with her life while she is still young. The sooner you end it, the sooner she will heal and be able to enjoy her life. She deserves to be happy too. If you want to 'be free', don't suggest one of these cowardly breaks. All you do when suggesting a break is giving her false hopes and stringing her along at your convenience. Don't do this. Lay it out straight and tell her that although you will always care for her, you don't feel the same way as you did in the beginning. It will hurt her like hell, but she WILL get over it. Time heals!

 

Imagine you do suggest a break. She is still going to expect regular phone calls and face visits ... do you think you can provide that? Do you even want to? Understand that if you promise this while you're on a break, you're going to end up letting her down in some way because the feelings aren't there anymore, and have to deal with her being emotional and upset with you all the time. Is it worth it?

[cruze105]

wow you guys are quick and give awesome advice. i have decided to talk to her friday when she comes over my house because stuff like that i like see one on one confrontation.

This is one of my longest relationships. And it seems like every girl i start seeing seems to fall in love with me so quick.

This is how i feel: one side of my head wants to be single see other people go clubbing, etc, then on other side of my head i actually dont want to lose her cuz she was good to me.

and i know if we break up she will not let go. Cuz she keeps saying that i was the best thing that ever happened to her. But it also seems to she doesnt like herself, cuz she keeps saying she is fat and etc, when she aint.

she just has a big ol butt and thick thighs other than she is skinny.

ill guess ill have to see what happens when i see her friday.

[RayKay]

Hey...my dear ex-bf...is that you?

 

Hehe.

 

My ex broke up with me a couple weeks ago for very similar reasons (though he is almost 25) after 16 months together. I love him dearly, and am broken hearted, but he needs to be single and on his own - he is not ready to think in terms of "forever" yet though he does love me and miss me and realizes how awesome I am and knows the potential is great, and he does not want to lose me. He needs space and time to work these things out, and he knows he will not be ready to be in something serious until he is at least 26, maybe 27.

 

Because he did not want to lose me, but was not feeling right about being in a relationship with me since he could not promise me forever the way he was feeling, he started to look for reasons to find a way out with me - stupid little things that in hindsight KNOWS were not important. He wanted things to be wrong so he could find something wrong with me. So basically, I thought I was doing something wrong and knew what we had could end. He could see being with me short term, and long term - but not in the middle! In hindsight, he realizes he is stupid, and he cares and that I am great, but he still needs to do this -or he will always have doubts. It hurts yes, but I can't force him to stay either! The irony is, that since the breakup we have been getting along awesome, and that if things continue like that, there is a greater chance something will happen down the line. But for now, he needs to be on his own and we do have to stick to "friends" so we do not fall back into something he is not mentally or emotionally ready for.

 

So, as tough as it was, I had to let him go. No begging or pleading. Though we did talk about it a lot, and still do sometimes, so I could understand where he is coming from. I am hurt, yes, because I wish it was something we could work out together, but I can see it is not really. He was just not ready for it. So we are trying to be friends now - the love is there, and the care for one another, and the attraction is still high and we have a great time together. We miss each other, but this is best for him, and best for me whatever happens. We are both open to something restarting again with us in the future, and there is hope it will...but in the end, what is meant to be will be.

 

You are young. And she is young. If you feel you need time, then you NEED time. And she has to somehow give you that space and time otherwise if you go back because you feel bad, you will not deal with these issues and it will happen again. When you love someone, let them go...if they come back they are yours forever. If they don't they were never yours to begin with. If you love her, but feel that you just cannot commit to the relationship - YOU have to let her go just as much as SHE has to let you go. If you don't you will end up having resentment, and it will get worse for both of you. Because in the end, if you two do belong together, it will happen. But you cannot count on it either - for every couple that reunites there are dozens more that don't. I am fortunate in that I know some good stories too.

 

Good luck. If you two are meant to be together, you will be down the road. I know it will be hard for her to have faith in that...as it is hard for me to just want to "give up". But you can't hold onto someone who is not ready to be there. If they want to come back, they will - you cannot control one's heart. I have faith I will have a second chance with my ex when he is ready and if I am available, and I truly hope that it does happen. If it does not, I will be okay though - I am strong, beautiful and smart to boot, and have a lot of love for someone who opens up to it. I am okay on myself, and I am okay with someone who is READY. Until he is ready, I cannot be with him...or anyone else who is not ready!