t-dog Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Hi...thanks to everyone who's been helping me out through this personal crisis. I married a man who's 20 years older than me. I'm 25, he's almost 45. He's amazing and caring, but I want out. I feel like I made a mistake by committing to him so soon. I moved to L.A. to be with him and I feel lost. I don't have any real friends here and I just really, really need to be with my friends and figure my life out. I feel like I can't commit to him until I have several things worked out...friends, career, etc... I moved away to New York for awhile, lived with a friend, and I felt much more at ease. With him, I feel like I'm living my life against the grain. The thing is, in my past posts, people have told me that a marriage needs work, yada, yada. I understand this, but I honestly feel that if I spend my energy working on the marriage, I will not be able to work on myself. What's more important? Our marriage is really good, he cares about me, most women would kill to have a husband like him. But I feel like I wasn't ready to get married and now I'm paying the price. I'm miserable. What do I do? Link to comment
hurtbylove Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 I'm not sure I'm in a good position to answer your question since I'm young and haven't been married before. How long did you two know each other before you married? Have you spoken to him about this issue? I guess you have if you moved to live with a friend for awhile. How has he responded? I think it might be natural to be a little hurt, but I think he could be understanding about it. I understand that you feel like you need to discover more about yourself and explore before being commited. But I'm not sure if it would be fair for him to wait around for that. You are going through some difficult times, but it's good that you discovered this now and not have any kids invovled yet. Link to comment
amaranth_04 Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Hi there, I agree with the post above. You need to have a talk with him; tell him what you've said here but in more detail. He will feel hurt, yes, but it's more important that you don't lead him on. Perhaps you did not know him well enough before getting married, perhaps the age gap is a bit too wide in this instance as the two of you are in different phases. You need to talk it out with him. Marriage is a serious commitment as I'm sure you know, the two of you need to discuss goals, what you want to accomplish, if you didn't discuss this beforehand. From there, the two of you decide your next move. If he's such a wonderful man as you say he is, he needs to know. Give him the opportunity to try. Good luck Link to comment
lingling Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Listen, I know people have told you to work on your marriage, and that is noble, thoughtful advice. And yes, you should keep that in mind....IF that is what both of you want. Talk to him, and LISTEN TO YOURSELF. If you want to stay married to this man, then work on the marriage. If you are not happy, and if you know in your heart you made the wrong choice by marrying this man, then LET HIM GO for both your sakes. Why stay with someone you don't really love, only to grow more resentful of him as time passes? Why stay with him...gratitude, obligation, hope that things will get better, that one day you will "magically" be in love with him? Why keep yourself trapped in a situation that does you no good, and why keep him in a situation that might be depriving him of finding someone just as caring and loving as yourself that will love him the way he wants to be loved? It's not fair to either one of you... Link to comment
Mercedes Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 You're the one that makes the choice whether or not you will break up with this guy, and you know what youre going to do. You just want to make sure you're doing the right thing. Go with your heart. He may be the best guy ever, but if you dont feel that *burn* in your heart every mention of his name, it is likely he isnt the one. I am not one to speak of marriages, lol. But I'm trying to tell you what helps me out. And besides, a 45 year old man is going to have different goals in his life..a lot different than a 25 year olds. You're young, you need friends, you need to go out and have fun. You're away for a little while, thats a GREAT start. While youre gone, think of what makes you truley happy. And ask yourself, are you happier without him on your back? Is he the one I want to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with? Try and picture you with him 10 15 years from now. What will it be like? If nothing matches up, its definitely time to get over him. Link to comment
Joselito Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 Mercedes, I disagree on using that *burn* in your heart as a guage to determine love, as that burn is normal at first in a relationship but will not last. T-Dog, What do you mean by living against the grain? Have you thought of returning to school while living with your husband? would you hubby support you going to school? What do you need to do apart from your hubby that you cant do with him besides go out partying with friends whenever? I hope you try to work out the marriage first before you leave. Good Luck? Link to comment
Mercedes Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Joselito, Actually that burn will last forever.. It just wont be the same as it was. And thats only one way to determine love, not the ONLY way. I don't see you trying to help her. Link to comment
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