I'm stupid and I can't believe the effect it's having on me!

[edsmithers]

Hello,

 

I can't believe I'm posting on this board. If someone told me this morning that I would be been searching Google for a suicide forum, I would have thought they were nuts.

 

I'm 37 years old. And I'm disgusted with myself. And when I tell you what I did just about an hour ago that made me go online and start searching the words "I want to kill myself," you're going to feel disgusted with me too.

 

I've read through a few of these posts and it seems like many of the people here feeling hopeless and suicidal are young. And that makes sense to me. Because I remember feeling that way when I was seventeen.

 

But now I'm a grown man.

 

And when I tell you what caused me to get online and find this board, you're going to think me ridiculous, especially when there are so many people here in so much real pain.

 

About a month ago we moved into this new apartment. And I was glad to get out of the other one. So many things in my life seemed to be building up and creating a pressure that has been becoming almost unbearable.

 

One of the things about the other place that always weighed on my mind was the fact that I had damaged a few of the things in the apartment. I threw a coffee cup at the refrigerator one night and it left two dents. Ridiculously enough that damaged fridge weighed on my mind for the entire four years I lived there. I caused the damage because I was in a rage one night.

 

I was constantly terrified being that the place wasn't ours, yet I had damaged it. I was always thinking about what I had done and about what the landlord was going to do when the time came that we were going to eventually move out.

 

This sounds so ridiculous to me as I'm writing it, but on top of the other things in my life, it really was a relief a month ago when I was able to leave behind the damage that I had caused.

 

Well, I've been in this new apartment for about a month. And today in a rage, I cut through a piece of chicken on the counter with a big butcher knife, so hard, that I put a huge gash in the counter top, which had absolutely no damage before this. It's a huge and deep gash and it has completely ruined the entire counter.

 

Once again it happened because I was angry. And the instant I saw that gash, I almost threw up. I told you this would sound ridiculous, but for some crazy reason I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown, and then started thinking about how I hated being alive with all the pressures in my life... plus this damage crap again.

 

I hope a few of you can see past such a seemingly small event that brought me to this board today. I can't believe at 37 years old I'm having thoughts about how things would be if I would just end it all. And especially over something so stupid as what I'm feeling about the damage that I've done once again.

 

I wish I could just go out and buy a new counter. Of course I cant. And I know this is going to eat me up. Today it brought me to a suicide forum for the first time in my life, and I can only pray that I'm having a ridiculous moment, and that later on I'll feel differently.

 

ed

[HSBoy44]

Maybe whats wrong is the thing that is making you angry in the first place to cause the damage. You said that you were angry when you damaged both the refrigerator and the counter; what is it that made you so angry? I think that if you can solve that problem then you will be less inclined to react harshly and without creating damage. Also you said you move into an apartment. When you first move in dont you have to pay a security deposit? And doesnt the landlord use that to fix anything that might have been stained, broken, chipped, etc. in the apartment? I could be wrong but thats what I thought it did. If thats the case then you dotn have to worry about what youve done to your new apartment because when you already have it covered with the security deposit.

[odysseus77]

I think it would be very beneficial to you to go see a psychologist. From how you have described your actions and responses, it sounds like you may have a form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). The symptoms of it can be thinking or doing things obsessively. This would be your obsessivly thinking about damaging things. Order to ones environment is a very common compulsion for people. Also, people with OCD know that their obsessions with these seemingly small things are stupid, but they cannot stop their thoughts...There is medication and treatment out there, and I think this problem can be solved

[Val]

Hey Ed,

Ur first line really grabbed my attention because just last year I felt the EXACT same way as you. I believed that there was nothing in my life worth living for because melancholy was everywhere before me. I had NO self-esteem. Everything I did seemed pointless, meaningless and yes I felt idiotic with myself, idiotic for the actions I did and thoughts I regularily had. . . . .

 

I needed a reality check and so do u ED! WAKE UP! You are 37 years old and still so young. The fact that you actually took the time to come on line and check "SUCH ISSUES" is a clear cry for ur life. You don't really want to end ur life because or else you would have simply done it just like i would have. The feelings you have are there for a reason. Something in ur life is bothering you and I'm sure even you urself are not completely sure what it is. Go out and do something different, whether it be going to the gym for the first time or joining a tennis club. Change ur old habits. Your problems are probably just coming from mere everyday routin bordem. I'm only telling you this as someone who cares.

 

It's now a year later and to this day i can't exactly finger point what it was that made me feel the way you do right now. But one thing is for sure, I have new friends (with a much better social life), I joined the gym and I've become quite the tennis athlete.When I look back to last yearI cry, not out of pain or anger but out of pure contentment because staying here was the best decision I have EVER made!

~I know you can get through what ur feeling right now because I did and we're never faced with ne thing in our lives that we can't handle.

[VickiRose]

It's sounds like when you got angry, you just went with your emotions, and had a huge guilt about it. We all do things, that we will regret, when we just go with our emotions.

What if you worked on the thinking aspect, the logical reaction, when you get angry, take a step back & and take a deep breath, then ask yourself what would be the right thing to do. You have already cut throught the counter top, theres nothing that you can do about it now. Try to forgive yourself and let it go. Think of it as not that big of a deal. View it as marking your territory, or look at the positive side of it, and shake it off. Good Luck...

[carterw]

Good day,

 

I think I have a bit of an idea how Ed is feeling. There is an obsessive-compulsive component here that should be recognized. This could be observed through Ed's fixation on the damage he had done to the fridge for his entire stay at the previous apartment.

 

I am much the same way. If I do something wrong, or somebody wrongs me, I think about it constantly. I keep thinking about things that happened to me ten years ago or more, even seemingly small things and they haunt me. Like getting turned down by a woman, or getting fired from a job. And it spills over into my day to day life in the form of obsessions and compulsions. For example I have trouble crossing over the threshold into my bedroom because I am afraid I will be thinking the wrong thoughts while crossing. Or if I look at something the wrong way I find myself going back to look at it again. Or if I see a bottle cap or something on the street I will feel like I have to either touch it, or pick it up and throw it out, or make sure a stick is pointed the right way. Or what have you.

 

Lately, because sometimes the pressure feels unbearable, I have begun to yell inside my vehicle alone and pound the top of the roof. I feel like I am in prison, but I am not. I might as well be in prison it seems sometimes because my mind is my prison.

 

Again, I am not sure that Ed is obsessive-compulsive, but the similarity I can see is his fixation on something seemingly small, and the feelings of anger that this generates inside.

 

Cheers,

Dan

[GODmade. . soft]

hey man dont sweat the small stuff

 

but at the same time. try very hard to control your anger.

 

i am too very very angry when i get angry. i am borderline pyscho when i get angry.

 

the trick for us sensitive people is to control those situations.

 

i think there are a few ways to approach this. first i think about "why" did i get this upset?

 

is it really this small thing that made me so angry to cut through something? or is there a deeper issue in my life.

 

if it is just your sensitive and easily lead by emotion then i see part of your solution to a better you is to being in better control.

 

also you might see a certain type of situation that puts in you in this "raged" mood. stear clear of those situations until you feel you have yourself under better control.

 

my friend i can understand you upset you damage someone elses property. but remember property is a material thing, its not eternal.

 

you on the other hand were crafted from stardust and have the breathe of life from our creator. please i tell you as a brother...DO NOT STRESS OVER THE SMALL ISSUES... WE NEED YOU INTACT TO HELP US GET THROUGH THIS LIFE. if we all just stress the small stuff in our lives then we gonna have miserable lives.

 

cya , jason AIM ME SOMETIME PLZ,i need help too lol

 

AIM = jasonelzic