Having a crush while in a relationship..

[Anberlin]

I've been with my bf for 3 1/2 years, and I love him very much. He is no doubt the person that I want to be with. However, we are very long distance. I don't see him until the end of summer, and it will still be a couple years before I move to where he is.

 

I've recently developed something of a crush on my lab partner. As in I keep wanting his attention, feel excited when he is around, and notice how he seems to like me too. We've had a few classes together before and I would say we are friends, but we haven't taken it any further that.

 

I am just wondering what kind of damage this can do to a relationship? I'm not going to cheat. Anything I'd want with this guy just seems like fantasy. I am probably attracted to the newness of it because my relationship doesn't feel new anymore (I feel kind of in a rut with all the stress from school, plus my bf seems to have lost himself in being in love with me and hasn't been himself). Not to mention I can't see my boyfriend in person, while I'm around this guy most days - and on the two lab days interacting with him for at least 2 hours a day.

 

I certainly don't feel like I "love" this guy (although he does share some traits with my bf that I admire) but lately he has just been on my mind a lot.

 

I feel terrible. ](*,)

[lostgurl]

I believe that it is only human to develop little crushes on people throughout life, even when you are in a relationship. There is no need to feel guilty about it as long as nothing is acted upon and you cheat. LDR's are hard... talking in class is harmless and I'd even say friendly flirting in class is harmless to be honest (as long as it doesn't lead the other person on). Just don't let it go any farther if the relationship you are in now is what you really want. Maybe casually mentioning something about your boyfriend to your friend will let him know there are boundaries, too.

[Jd1983]

If you don't plan on cheating, then it's probably best to keep your distance from this guy.

 

I know what it's like to develop crushes while in a relationship, however sometimes if you don't keep your distance it can lead to other things that you never thought would happen.

 

It's all about self control. If you value your relationship with your bf then it's best that you weigh your options. If you think that you will continue to develop more feelings for this guy, then the sooner you do so the better.

[In the Dark]

I think this says you are psychologically not ready to even be in a relationship.

 

To be able to have feeling, emotional and/or sexual for someone else regardless of the one who loves you not being there.

 

As to how much this affect the relationship is who you act on your crush.

Your crush is always there and you want his arse.

You know you are gong to see him more and he is going to be on your mind visually, while your BF will not.

 

This is where logic comes into it.

 

YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE.

 

But you are capable of having feelings for someone else.

There is no excuse for this behavior.

 

But.....

 

If you do not act on your crush with this guy, you may end up becoming cold and resentful to your ex for being a road block in the feeling you have for this other guy.

 

If you know you are going to be resentful.....dump you BF and don't put him through it.

 

Take ALL of the blame for your crush and acting on it.

 

Never make him feel bad for being in a relationship with you.

It will destroy him.

[lostgurl]

I think this says you are psychologically not ready to even be in a relationship....

 

This is where logic comes into it.

 

YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE.

 

But you are capable of having feelings for someone else.

There is no excuse for this behavior.

 

I highly disagree with this. Human beings have emotions and feelings... no one can control them but people can be responsible with them. Telling someone their feelings or emotions are wrong is not going to do anything but make them feel like there is something wrong with them personally. I see no logic in that.

 

It seems to me that you are just in need of some attention. Is there any way you can see your bf more often?

[Anberlin]

I believe that it is only human to develop little crushes on people throughout life, even when you are in a relationship. There is no need to feel guilty about it as long as nothing is acted upon and you cheat. LDR's are hard... talking in class is harmless and I'd even say friendly flirting in class is harmless to be honest (as long as it doesn't lead the other person on). Just don't let it go any farther if the relationship you are in now is what you really want. Maybe casually mentioning something about your boyfriend to your friend will let him know there are boundaries, too.

 

Thanks. I will try to mention the bf. Our conversations aren't all that personal so it just hasn't come up yet. But I would like him to know.

 

If you don't plan on cheating, then it's probably best to keep your distance from this guy.

 

I know what it's like to develop crushes while in a relationship, however sometimes if you don't keep your distance it can lead to other things that you never thought would happen.

 

It's all about self control. If you value your relationship with your bf then it's best that you weigh your options. If you think that you will continue to develop more feelings for this guy, then the sooner you do so the better.

 

This is hard because he's a really nice guy and I think we make good friends. We will be both graduating in May and I might not ever see him again though. This could also be why I've been paying more attention. I could tell he liked me before but I wasn't interested then.

 

I think this says you are psychologically not ready to even be in a relationship.

 

To be able to have feeling, emotional and/or sexual for someone else regardless of the one who loves you not being there.

 

As to how much this affect the relationship is who you act on your crush.

Your crush is always there and you want his arse.

You know you are gong to see him more and he is going to be on your mind visually, while your BF will not.

 

This is where logic comes into it.

 

YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE.

 

But you are capable of having feelings for someone else.

There is no excuse for this behavior.

 

But.....

 

If you do not act on your crush with this guy, you may end up becoming cold and resentful to your ex for being a road block in the feeling you have for this other guy.

 

If you know you are going to be resentful.....dump you BF and don't put him through it.

 

Take ALL of the blame for your crush and acting on it.

 

Never make him feel bad for being in a relationship with you.

It will destroy him.

 

I can understand what you mean about being capable of liking someone else while being in a relationship. That is why I posted this. I used to be obsessed with my bf, and still am to a degree, but I never imagined I could be attracted to another guy. Now in the past year or so it seems the balance has shifted, and he is overly obsessed with me. Sure the constant attention is nice, but after so long it seems like he's no longer himself and has no thoughts outside of me, and he's never doing much besides thinking of me and sending me messages. We've talked about this, and I told him I want to start hearing his thoughts and opinions, and his reply actually was "but my thoughts are only of you." It's getting to be a little much, although I think he is the sweetest man in the world and I love him dearly.

 

I'm not going to dump him. I just wish he would tone it down a notch. I don't know if it's the reason why I'm getting an interest in another guy. I've also been depressed for a few months and losing interest in lots of things, with the exception of my very recent interest. I know none of this is his fault.

[Anberlin]

I highly disagree with this. Human beings have emotions and feelings... no one can control them but people can be responsible with them. Telling someone their feelings or emotions are wrong is not going to do anything but make them feel like there is something wrong with them personally. I see no logic in that.

 

It seems to me that you are just in need of some attention. Is there any way you can see your bf more often?

 

Yeah, I just keep thinking something is wrong with me.

 

I'm lacking attention for sure. I have social anxiety and hardly ever make friends, very rarely go out. I just love having someone to talk to in person sometimes. My bf is in constant contact, but it's just not the same as face to face. I really can't see him much for now due to the high cost of plane tickets.

[greywolf]

OP, it is completely normal, especially in a long distance relationship. As long as you know where to draw the line, it's fine.

[greywolf]

Relationships are not about mind control. I don't expect my partner to never think about other people. It's about his actions.

[In the Dark]

I know some of use are more highly evolved than others and are able to say "I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP" and I am in a relationship with this person for a reason.

I love him/her, he/she loves me and thats that.

 

While others go....well......they aren't around and I do need attention and this guy is obviously hitting me and I like it so....tough luck.

That's the way I roll and it's time to dump the gal/guy who can not do it because of the circumstances.

 

Later....

 

Lostgurl is one of those.

Needs attention in the physical besides the words.

She needs someone to be there.

And if someone isn;'t there and someone good enough or better comes along she's gonna ditch the LDR as it meets her needs.

 

Now....for YOU to understand his behavior....

"but my thoughts are only of you".

He is saying this because he is far away and the potential of having someone else hitting on him and forgetting you is high for people how crave attention.

 

That's is why he is kicking up so strong as if he is wearing brute cologne.

He is re-assuring YOU that he is not going to end up having a crush on someone else because you are not there.

How you interpret it is clinging.

People cling when they have a feeling they are going to lose their loved one to someone who is there and trying to get into their pants.

Some people do it out of intuition or the noticing the very subtle behavior changes in the other person.

 

If this lab guy is hitting on you.....and he know you are with someone, this guy sucks basically.

 

But what if.......what if......

 

GIGS!

[Anberlin]

My boyfriend is 30 years old and I'm his first girlfriend. He says I'm the first girl to ever show interest in him in return, and that I am also so far out of his league. I don't think meeting someone else is a concern of his.

 

It's possible though that he feels threatened by other guys here. I've had multiple instances where I've had to break things off with friends because they were overstepping their boundaries.

[In the Dark]

My boyfriend is 30 years old and I'm his first girlfriend. He says I'm the first girl to ever show interest in him in return, and that I am also so far out of his league. I don't think meeting someone else is a concern of his.

 

It's possible though that he feels threatened by other guys here. I've had multiple instances where I've had to break things off with friends because they were overstepping their boundaries.

 

Well this adds a new and not so straight forward dynamic to this BS.

 

Lets get into specifics....

His first at 30 is not uncommon as it maybe portrayed.

He will be clingy because he has found it VERY hard to find someone to love him all these years.

The age gap also makes him feel inferior to the boys closer to your age as they will not be so clingy due to knwing they are able to get other women around their age.

The remedy to this is to tell him in a stern voice that he is the only one.

BUT.

It appears this is not the case as you are crushing on a guy in the lab.

So maybe all hope is already lost for him.

 

The reason why he feels you are so far out of his league is due to your age.

 

Guys who are 30 with no kids, never married, never had a steady GF for more than a year end up feeling inferior.

 

He WILL be saying thins which insinuate that there maybe other people but he will NEVER fall for them becaue he is only loyal to you.

 

The age gap makes him more loyal.

I am certain of this because the chances of him finding someone of your age is slim in his opinion.

 

I am very certain he feels threatened by the boys.

 

I am sure he is worried that you will not want stability anymore and fall for someone who is immature and a total douche becaue of your own age being closer to theirs.

 

If you mention the age he is to other guys around your age they will quietly scoff at it and hit on you.

I am without doubt.

[Anberlin]

Yes, they scoff at his age and the fact that I'm not dating someone in my own country. Certain people are very disrespectful of my relationship, and he knows this.

 

I will try to be more reassuring. It's not that all hope is lost for him. I have no desire to cheat or leave him. Stability is what I need, and I just feel like this lab partner is shaking things in a way I don't like, although his traits that remind me of my boyfriend are what I like about him in the first place.

[In the Dark]

Thought they would.

 

This is something very similar from their own heads

Whats someone who is way over there going to do?

Fly all the way over there and beat them up.

Doubt it.

Not without looking like a psycho BF.

HA HA....

Beside someone of his age should be more mature than that.

So why should I expect such a response from him?

He is OLLLLLLLDDD.

He's got everything against him.

 

Now.

 

Ask this lab guy straight up.

"Are you wanting to date me?"

This will bluntly tell you his intentions in between the lines.

STATE that you are in a relationship and this guy you are in a relationship makes me feel secure as he does not want anyone else.

 

This lab guy is not your BF, regardless of showing similar traits of your BF, this does not show the true colours unless you are wanting to go for the GIGS.

 

Which is a 50/50 chance of ending up with a loser.

 

Stay with what you know well.

 

But then again......you have a crush on this lab guy already so the cross roads is right infront of you.

 

Choose to dump your BF in the hopes of finding the same thing closer to home which may turn out to be nothing like it in the end.

 

Or stick to your BF like you should and be certain he is not going to change who he is.

[sickoflosing]

So how long has this crush been going on for now? yea not cheat yet..ya say you wont but chances could be very high. id hope ya can be a more respectable person then others about this. sure other guys are scoffing at your relationship. its called jealousy.. not having what they want. how would you feel if your BF was doing this behind your back? and girls making fun of you cuz yer younger and "immature" ?

[Dragunov-21]

~Righteous condemnation~

 

And yet somehow I wonder if you wouldn't be just as likely as anyone else to get a boner from a lapdance.

 

And if I have to explain what I just said, I couldn't make you understand.

[amipushy]

It's just a crush on a cute guy. It doesnt mean theres something wrong with you, or him, or your bf or a sign that you need to dump your partner. Millions of people all over the world are skipping a heartbeat and blushing over a cute or sexy guy/girl and yet go home to their very happy lives and the partner they love very much.

 

It's only when someone starts to or is made to feel, guilt or shame that things get messy and people get hurt. The less you worry and feel guilt and shame,, the smaller this will become... The more you worry and feel guilt and shame, the bigger it will become..... You're only human.

[Anberlin]

I don't feel at a crossroads. There's no question of who to be with. I just don't want it affecting my relationship in any way.

 

 

 

I've had this crush a couple weeks at most.

 

The chances of me cheating are slim to none. I don't believe in cheating, don't see how it's possible to do that to someone you truly love, and to put this into perspective - I have never had sex, do not drink, and don't go to parties. It's not likely that something will "just happen." This isn't so much about the physical anyway - it's just enjoying his company and thinking he has a cute personality. When I say it's fantasy I mean I think of us flirting. Lately my boyfriend's idea of flirting is waiting for me to do it first so he can feel that it's ok with me...even though we are a few years into the relationship and I tell him all the time I miss our old spontaneity.

 

I know how I would feel if he were interested in someone else. That's how I can know how he would feel if he knew, and why I feel bad about it.

 

 

 

Thank you. I don't want this blown out of proportion. I want people to understand I'm not trying to be with this new guy.

[Maya_A]

OP,

 

Nothing "wrong" with the feelings - they are just feelings that are there. However, I wouldn't flirt even one tiny bit (as someone mentioned). It is not wise when you actually do kinda fancy someone...

 

And, I would for sure, for sure not tell the bf about your feelings. What good would come of it? After all, it isn't something about your bf, so it's nothing he can change or "work on"... He'd also likely feel very vulnerable, worried, helpless, being so far away during all of this when you are spending time in the other guy's company daily. So IMHO it wouldn't do anything but introduce fear & hurt into things...

 

If you have a handle on it yourself, then so be it.

 

I also think as someone said, it may be wise to keep your distance. Spend only the necessary time for school, etc. and try to focus on other things.

 

In essence, do exactly whatever it is that you would appreciate your bf doing, situation reversed.

[ibu]

Off-topic, but may I ask how you've been with your boyfriend for 3 1/2 years but you've never had sex before?

I can understand waiting a while until you are ready, but over three years seems a bit long. But maybe that's just me. I know I couldn't wait that long.

Are you waiting until after marriage or do you not feel ready?

 

Anyway, back to the main topic. I too have been in this situation before. I think it's normal to get crushes sometimes. However, it's important to not let a crush get out of hand. But it seems like you have your mind set on not letting it. Good on you!

[aurevoir]

I have had crushes on guys, while I was in a long-term/long-distance relationship.

There really is not point in being upset and saying "im cheating" because i am really not, i can't help who I am attracted to, it's human nature. I even tell my boyfriend about it, sure he gets a little upset but I never act on these feelings because I already have someone i love and who loves me.

[Smythe]

I think there's a first time for everything. You're in a position where you have a crush on a lab partner. Why not put yourself in a position where you are not lab partners? It doesn't matter if you've never cheated before it's respecting the relationship that you have with your significant other. And if you are certain that your current bf is the man for you, then change your situation. It's your choice. That said, crushes are common. You aren't alone.