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My first step in closure? Taking accountability.


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My soulmate (yes, I can confidently state that) and I parted ways exactly two weeks ago. At first, it was seemingly due to his pre-existing severe depression and anxiety not being able to handle the demands of a career and displaced pressures on our domesticity.

 

I was blindsided. I was being kicked out of the home I had moved accross-country to live in, losing my love and my puppy (who was too young to travel with me back to Miami; Virginia Woof). All at once. When I had been giving my all, letting him cry, sleep... I did everything I could to soothe him because I just thought it was him, not us. It took four days and my sister to fly to California to get me all out of there.

 

He knew I was thrown for a loop and provided me with an explanation when I sought one a couple of days after. I let it marinate. I appreciated that he took the time out to do so, because I know he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and to not act selfish, for the duration of the e-mail writing, in that time is admirable. I realized I had a great deal to do with the break-up, as well. It was our anxiety issues that had bonded us so closely in the beginning! We understood one another; it accelerated our communication to epic proportions and all was well. Initially.

 

My apologies in advance for how poorly written my e-mail to him was (I am a writer; this is embarassing) but I was all out of sorts and in need of taking some accountability for what I did to us, too.

 

--

 

I haven't said sorry. If I had realized I needed to, you would have

received one much sooner. I think I was too shocked to have any

rational reflection on what the hell we've been doing for 2 months.

I've finally found the opportunity to process and Alex: I, too, am

sorry.

 

The finality of losing Virginia today and failing her... It just put

this lingering pit in my stomach and woke me the * * * * up. We both

failed. Everything started to replay in my head: the good times when

we let ourselves get lost in our new, incredible love or the good

times when we were uptight and doing everything in our power to make

sure the other was satisfied. All good as you can see, but one

happened to be tiring.

 

We spent most of our relationship just worrying about the other. It

was exhausting, for us both. It didn't help that we had to deal with

such heavy things so soon, either.

 

We were so immensely in love and handled it so poorly. We didn't

understand the kind of love you and I have. We had never had anything

so intense before. So, we did everything we could to grasp onto it.

You obsessing over being persistent in thinking of what I needed and

therefore depriving yourself of what you needed to do and I was

obsessing over trying to show that while I would take what you would

offer (and offers were often, because you were trying so hard to

integrate me), I only needed it whenever you had the time, while

depriving myself of what I needed to. I was happiest when you were

happy and vice versa. But we, individually, stopped being happy (and

therefore couldn't make the other happy) because we neglected our own

personal happiness. We loved each other, unconditionally, I don't

doubt that. But I think we stopped loving ourselves because we lost

bits of who the people were coming into the relationship - you

remember those people? They were really great and fun and excited and

carefree and motivated spirits; its why we bonded so well and so

quickly.

 

We were trying so hard to reassure the other's insecurities - because

we wanted this to go for the long-haul - we never went back to those

people. Yes, we weren't all gone - I always had a blast with you and

you always captivated me mentally. I know we enjoyed each other's

company but we were too tired from our own self-inflicted pressures to

be those people. Those really passionate/"This is a new relationship!

Woohoo!" people we were when we made the decision to make a life

together.

 

And when we took that step - it stinks to say because it very much

makes me sad - we lost it. Neither of us had the energy. Our minds

were preoccupied with the other. There was no way we could have kept

going down the draining path we were on. It would have taken too much

work and a lot of strain to get what we had back if we had gone that

route.

 

The truth is: while you weren't ready, I obviously wasn't either. It

takes two for things to get so stressful and I would like to take

responsibility for that. We ran our relationship into the ground,

together. We just couldn't have this much commitment, and the

dysfunction we unnecessarily placed on it (instead of just letting our

commitment come naturally), at this juncture in our lives. And no one

deserves those pressures at any point.

 

We should have let the relationship take its course, without either

one of us feeling pressured to do anything, other than love and laugh.

 

I'm sorry we missed out on all that time leading up to such a major

commitment to just enjoy each other and what we were becoming. We just

skipped the fun steps and became. Do not get me wrong, it was romantic

and perfect as hell but it wasn't necessarily logical.

 

The heart wanted what the heart wanted; our brains just couldn't

catch up and we should have given them time to do so.

 

I do still very much unconditionally love you and don't doubt that I

always will but in having this time to myself, the time to worry about

ME, I realized I liked this very much, too. This having a moment to

feel, privately. To cry alone if I wanted to, to write, to read, to

think - anything to remember and keep in touch with me. And I should

have opted to continue doing those things - you should have, too. But

we opted to take integration to a whole new level; we were one person

and clung to one another. People don't do that! Why on earth did we

think that was okay in the first place? I know I was scared when I

first got there but I think if I hadn't developed this irrational fear

of not showing you all the love in my heart and consistently needing

to prove to you I deserved to stand by you, I would have just branched

out and got right back into my routine. And you knew I was scared, so

you gave it your all to provide me with attention, in the irrational

fear that I would be unhappy with you/us, to the point where you

stretched yourself thin, when you could have just let go and I would

have found my way. We gave too much of ourselves to the other and left

nothing for us to hold onto (in our stupid pockets? Too soon?).

 

We could have been great but we thrusted ourselves, blindly, into a

game of RUSH-IN roulette and both got the bullet. We're war buddies

and I don't want to lose that.

 

However, in light of lessons learned, let's do it at our own pace.

We'll know when we're ready.

 

His reply?:

 

Thank you for writing this email.

I started and stopped and started over in writing a response to this 3 times, but when it comes down to it, i'm just repeating everything you said.

So instead, i am just simply saying thank you for writing this.

 

---

 

At the end of everything, I'm walking away knowing every single one of our problems was rooted in this all-encompassing love for the other. And hey, those aren't some bad problems to have had. My heart is full thanks to him and it makes me feel better knowing he doesn't walk with this burden solely on his shoulders. Also, the lines of further communication (not as lovers, but those who love) is open.

 

I'm obviously still (willingly, now) mourning the loss of my better half and it's been particularly rough. I can't really sleep or have more than a couple of bites of anything. In the past two days, I have been fainting and vomiting. But, I'm not holding any malice toward him, or us. I need this time, to go through this. I'm just, simply, sad - which is a great place to start. Holding onto anger or resentment does nothing to help in moving on.

 

Maybe this will inspire some of you (aside from those left in situations of infidelity and abuse, obviously) to take a look back at what you did to encourage the crippling of your relationship? It's logical and maddening, but also, empowering.

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Good for you for holding yourself accountable. I do want to make several points: This "all encompassing love" sounds like codependency to me. Constantly being consumed with worry about the well being of the other person, even though they are right there, to the point of it being crippling, I think would qualify as that. I would really explore that before embarking on any new relationship.

 

Question: Can you get your puppy back if she was yours and not a "jointly owned dog"? There are volunteer transports that help get dogs from rescues to homes and shelters to rescues. And there are transport services that are very on the up and up who just transport dogs to their homes from cross country moves.

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We're actually both in therapy now, separately, and addressing our issues. I'm feeling better with every day, but, of course, I miss him and my heart can't help but ache, knowing we could have spotted our own issues becoming partners in our relationship, too. I have actually never experienced 'codependency' in any of my relationships prior to (which were much more long-term) and I think the position we put ourselves in allowed our own personal anxiety demons to take control. I'm mostly just trying to focus on the anxiety, as is he; when you're not with someone, it's time to be selfish. Regardless, thanks for saying that.

 

In terms of the pup, she wouldn't have been able to travel for 3 more weeks right now and he travels too much to have kept her on his own. She was taken in by our vet's assistant, who had adored her from day one. Losing her and the panic attack that followed was pretty much the wake up call I needed to realize I wasn't as in control as I used to be, prior to entering this relationship, and needed to re-visit counseling.

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All this sounds so familiar to me. I think it's great that sending that email has helped you get some sense of closure. Good luck, it sucks when you look back on your relationship and realize that maybe you met the right person at the wrong time in both of your lives.

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