No Sex This Month or Last Month....

[sayer7]

Well I've been with my bf for about 2 years now. Sex was great in the beginning lust period but soon after dropped down to about once a month at max.

 

We've talked about it and basically he's either too stressed about work to do it. And the more we talk about it the more sex feels like a chore. Sex lasts for about 10 minutes max-- long enough for him to orgasm and if I don't then it's too bad- have to wait for next month.

 

This has been an issue for over a year and a half now. I want more sex but whenever I try to initiate he moves away or moves me away and says he's too tired or it's too late.

 

I've been refused and turned down so many times I no longer have a sex drive, I feel down-right ugly, I feel unattractive, my self-esteem's plummetted, and I don't have the confidence I used to have. Now when he tries to have sex that once-a-month chore, I feel absolutely nothing, no passion, no desire, no nothing. The last time we tried to talk about it he told me he felt like he was just going through the motions just to please me once a month which felt like the ultimate rejection. Since then I've had no desire to even make-out or kiss him. It feels kinda repulsive even.

 

On the other hand, when I fantasize I'm back to my normal self except I feel guilty. I feel so terrible. I love him, but I don't think I can stand feeling so ugly and unattractive to him and that having sex with me is like a chore anymore. I used to be a very sexual person and loved sexual intimacy and now I feel as pretty and sexxy as a slug.

 

What do I do? This relationship has been very hurtful to me. Should I wait it out and hope it improves or leave him?

[RayKay]

It would seem to me the "waiting out" has not worked, nor has the talking (I assume you have talked about it?).

 

If you are seriously committed to this, and so is he - counselling is probably in order. If not (and it does not sound like you are happy, and it is emotionally hurting you)...time to walk. You deserve better. There is something more to this than just sex...and if he is not opening up about it...time to move on. Be strong.

[densil]

Yeah, if you haven't done so already, I would make sure you tell him! Recite the post that you have just written. Tell him how it makes you feel. I mean this is a serious issue for you and its really getting you down. If he goes mad or doesn't want to know due to work etc. then maybe you have to question things. If he loves you he will understand and will make every effort to comfort you and sort things out!

 

Steve

[philo]

Your 25!!! It has been a year and a half!?!?!? Either run to see a counsler or run the other way...........away from him. Do you want to live this way forever? No you don't. So fix it now cause life ain't getting any shorter You'll be glad you did

[laurag78]

We have similiar problems and maybe you should read my post about it. I know exactly how you are feeliing and we are not the only ones check out some comments from other women feeling the same thing:

 

· "I felt like I was begging , really begging for him to touch me, show me some affection...I just felt like such a loser, such a chump."

 

· "I feel rejected and not accepted by my husband, and, as someone else said, 'unattractive, unloved, uncared for..' etc."

 

· "It's difficult to be married to a wonderful guy whom I love and respect, yet he has little interest in intimacy. We've slept apart for 15 of our 16 year marriage, with occasional sex. We get along well, share similar interests, rarely argue. But in the bedroom, the deep sadness I feel has become more than I can bare. Everyone thinks we're the perfect couple, and it's all a sham. I've had several deep heart to heart talks with him about my needs, only to have a loving, polite "we'll work on this" response, and no change in the relationship at all. Being lovingly ignored is agony, there is no place to release my frustration. I have finally accepted the fact that my husband and I are just wired differently. It doesn't mean he is a bad person, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It just means he shows love differently and has different needs than I do. Having said that, it also doesn't mean I can live like this for another 15 years. That's where the sadness comes in. I don't want to leave him and give up the life we've built together, but this is a big part of life, and not having it is a big price to pay."

 

· "It's such an embarrassing , humiliating experience."

 

· "For so many years, I thought it was my fault that my husband wasn't as interested in intimacy as I am. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough or sexy enough. Maybe I wasn't a good wife. So I tried and worked to perfect being the ideal wife. My self esteem got lower and lower, but I kept myself busy building my business. Two years ago, there was nothing left to sink myself into...In this last 2 years I've had to face my sadness and depression about it all. Some people call it a mid-life crisis, I call it a reality check. I even went into counseling for a couple of months. I was still trying to fix ME, I thought it was MY problem."

 

· "The rejection is the worst part. Or is it the kindness that's the worst part? Sometimes I wish he would do something that I could be angry about, other than the hurt of rejection. It's the niceness, the politeness, the honest love my husband shows that makes this so difficult. When he does wonderful things it makes me feel guilty for wanting more."

 

· "My husband would be totally happy if I never came to him for sex and he doesn't like to talk about how much it bothers me. He just says he is sorry! I love my husband very much and I feel that if the shoe were on the other foot I would do what ever it took to make things right between us. I would never want him to feel the way I do right now. I feel if he truly cared about my feelings, he would help work this out because it really hurts when he turns me away!"

 

· "Most men don't want to admit they have a problem. I think either they have it in them or they don't. You can scream blue murder or swing from the chandelier, when his libido is gone, it's gone. But I guess one has to go on trying before taking any drastic steps."

 

· "When i express my love in the way I want to, I begin to feel empty and rejected after a while. When I notice that no love is coming back to me sadness, confusion, and rejection set in, then a deep dark desolate loneliness. I got to where i just couldn't tolerate the pain any more. Worse was the realization that I guess it wasn't so great for him or he'd do it more, or he didn't really love me, or I was too fat, too skinny, not pretty enough, smelled bad, looked bad. Something must be wrong with me. In other words, I would begin to not like me, to feel something was wrong with me. But there isn't anything wrong with me. I know that. Being with him was causing me to not like myself. When I realized that, I had to decide if it was worth it. "

 

· "It's a big part of life to be missing. I am facing the fact of our differences, but it's so sad, so very very sad, because I love him so much, and I know he loves me too. I know he does, but I just can't live that way. It hurts too much. It's too sad. It began to just spill out and poison other parts of our really good relationship. Now there is almost nothing left. I feel nothing. But I still love me. I still have me."

 

· "I also wanted to bring up the emotional strain of being the 'sex driven' partner. Even if the problem is medical or hormonal or whatever else, you still get a feeling of self doubt and insecurities like why don't they find me attracive any more etc. These can eat away at you and your relationship big time!"

 

 

 

Reading this made me cry,my intentions were not to make you cry or anything like that, just so that you can see that you are not alone.

 

It really may help to talk to him about it, i think if some 1 really loves you and they know that they are hurting you, they will try to work it out somehow. Me and my husband had a deep discussion the other night and i feel as though he is really trying to work this out.

 

I can't give you a solution, since i am still searching for one myself, but if it makes you feel better, you are not the only one.

Good luck to ya

[GeeCee]

Hmmmmm ... this is interesting Sayer. I would agree with all that has been said before. Of course, you have to talk through the problem, be creative and imagintive with your sex life, learn what does and does not turn him on. However, if you are reaching out on this forum, I would assume that you have done all of that common-sense stuff.

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not let your self-esteem suffer as a result of it. And while I agree with Beec in the advice he has given. All of that would work in a healthy sexual relationship. You do not have that at the moment.

 

I also think that there is an implied message that this is your fault. YOU need to dress up, YOU need to write him little sex notes, YOU need to be more imaginative. When in fact HE has the problem.

 

And HE needs to get professional help before it ruins your relationship. I think that you have been patience personified. Sit him down for a talk, and insist that there is a problem that needs professional counsel to resolve.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[Beec]

I see no fault in anyone wanting sex from their mate. I do see something wrong when someone does want sex, and the other does not. And I don't think anyone is necessarily to blame. When it does become an issue, the way someone acts can be blameworthy, but someone's level of desire is not something to blame them for. Although in some instances there may be blame, such as where the man is spending all of his time, efforts toward sex and everything else checking out porn.

 

Talking about it, I really see as something which if you can avoid. I would make sure I tried a few different things before I talked about it. Talking puts the pressure on. It can take sex away from what it should be and towards a chore. Instead of talking to him, I would try and turn him/her on through whatever means necessary. With a recent ex, I went over her place one night and knew I just had to have it. Instead of putting pressure on, I grabbed her and gave her a huge kiss when she opened the door, and I kpet at it for a few minutes. Then, we went out and I snuck up on her a few times to land ones on her ears and neck, and I was just very affectionate. Sex was on my mind front and center, but I wanted to make her want it, not tell her I wanted it tonight. So, my initial idea is to try to make him/her (whichever) want sex with you.

 

If you have tried and tried different things, and sex is just not happening, then you do need to talk and may need some counseling.

 

One other thing to remember is that there is a difference between loving contact and purely sexual contact. Someone can kiss you in way that says I love you, and someone can kiss you in a way that says jump my bones. Finally, build up to the jump me contacts. Sitting down next to him and grabbing the crotch of his pants is a big no-no.

 

Does any of this pertain directly to Sayer or any other woman posting here, maybe not. But it may help someone else reading.