Searching for love...not lust

[lostNheartbroken]

As I wander down this path of life in search of a mate I've found nothing but disapointment.

 

I've been spending all my time trying to meet potential girlfriends. Each day I go out and initiate conversation with every young lady I can, this turns into around 5 phone numbers daily of girls who can hang out in the near future. Usually only 2 of the 5 don't flake out.

 

Of the ones that do come through, they turn out to be nothing more than sloppy seconds. I mean girls who sleep with 2-3+ different guys each week regularly. I love having sex, but with these girls who are "easy" I have no interest, if a girl has sex with me within hours of our meeting I just think of all the other guys who've been so "lucky" as myself.

 

My friend set me up with this girl who he said was a senior and 18 year old, Im 20, and I went out with her for a few weeks. Finally she told me she was only 15 and I was shocked and told her she needed to date people her own age, as will I. I like her a lot, but she's more of a little sister than future wife, and yesterday I find out that over the weekend she had a threesome with my friend and his girlfriend. Man...

 

So, to counter my disressing situation I take a lot of drugs (herb, powder, scramble, crack, you name it), but now I'm feeling really burned out both mentally and physically. I'm usually the most outgoing, spontaneous, charismatic, sweetest, laid back guy who everyone loves, girls always tell me I'm so cute, gentle or hilarious. Older ladies always say I look like Donny Osmond, girls my age say I look like George Clooney. I'm also a big dork.

 

Am I wishing for too much to want a girl who hasn't "been around" this day in age? By "been around" I mean slept with more men than the number of years in their age? Or is it no big deal?

[jasminebose]

Your situation sucks! I don't think you are asking too much to want somone who doesn't sleep around but you are also too young to be worried about not having met a 'nice' girl yet! I think its pretty common for young people to be experimental when they are young but to settle down a bit when they get older. By your age I hadn't had sex yet so it goes to show there are some good girls out there. I guess you need to look for girls with different values than the ones you are hanging around with just now. About the drugs thing...not good.

JZ

[mahlina]

Don't search for love, let it come to you. That's probably one of the best advice I've ever heard. It's true. I found one of my life's greatest romances, when I least expected it.

 

My best advice is: If it's meant to be, then it will happen. If we search, we're only looking for trouble. It's good to get to know others. But, at the same time, it's just good to leave it at that. True love will happen naturally. Focus on finding happiness within yourself, before you find it in others. Try not to depend on relationships to find personal-happiness. Your happiness is within yourself. If you dig deep enough, you will find it. I think that's the best way to deal with things in life, in general.

 

Once we're happy with ourselves, I think that we'll attract the 'right' partners along the way. By that time, more things in life will make sense to us. So with that attitude, I think that it will build on a 'strong' foundation for the new relationship. Hopefully by that time, the special person that we run into is 'the one', and we won't have to search anymore.

 

There's no point in 'searching.' (I guess I can speak for myself, because my 'biological time clock' is not ticking. So I don't have to

worry! )

 

Good Luck to Ya!

Mahlina

[goodquestion]

 

 

 

I agree with 99% of what Mahlina says, great stuff, except one point ... in this society, the male does 99% of all the initiating ... if he just sits back and waits to bump into the right person, it could happen, but it probably won't ... from a woman's point of view, mr. right just bumped into her, and everything is great ... but from the guy's point of view, he had to initiate that interaction ... drop the drugs man, and find happiness in yourself, then do what you've been doing, get phone numbers and keep going, only about 3 in every 10 chicks will actually like you, and usually only 1 out of 10 is right for you ... so keep your head down and your chin up, and you'll be alright bro ... try to avoid hoochie mama clubs, you never usually find any good in those places ...

 

l8r

[bri]

I discovered that the only way to change the type of men I used to attract was to change my own behaviour. This worked liked a miracle! Perhaps you should just try to discover your own traits that the "decent" girls don't like. I bet it doesn't help that you are using crack. Besides that keep looking - I don't believe in the "wait'n'it'llcometoyou" strategy.

[fiddler]

You are still young, just don't loose hope and you will find love someday. I'm also 20 and haven't found it yet. I also agree with Bri. You need to be the kind of person you wish to attract. If you are sleeping with these girls and doing drugs you probably wouldn't attract a "nice" girl. (I know I wouldn't want a guy like that) I undersdand that you are doing it out of despare but you have to think of the kind of message you are sending out to girls.

 

I know how you feel not having found love, it does suck! But there are other things in life you can focus on, for example your career or family or hobbies to keep you from getting so depressed. Focus on what you have insdead of what you don't have. Work on yourself and dont stop trying and you will find what you are looking for eventually.

[mahlina]

Hi Goodquestion,

 

That's so true. I never thought about it that way. Come to think about it, I have a guy friend, whom lots of girls like. He's shy, sit's at home, plays PS2, goes to work, worksout, goes home, and does the same thing over and over again. When girls approach him, he shies away. He hardly ever works up the nerves to go up to a girl that he likes. I'm starting to worry for him. I think he needs to learn how to break out of his shell, and be a little more assertive.

 

I guess it's true for women, right? I'll have to change the way that I give my advice to others, in that aspect then. I think it's true that women tend to be the receivers, while men initiiate contact almost half of the time.

 

Okay, so LostNHeartbroken, if this is your case, then I agree with the previous posters, STOP getting to know the girls who don't mind doing drugs and having one-night stands. Is this often the case? I don't understand the whole 1-night stand bit. At least, on the woman's side. I don't understand how they can do that, and actually feel proud of themselves. You see, I know this one chick in particular, who has 1-nighters. She smokes weeds, this and that, tweaks, drinks, and loves 1-night stands. When I hang out with girlfriends sometimes she'll come along, and brag about which guy she picked up at the bar to bring home to sleep with. (Personally, I can't stand her, that's why I don't hang out with her.) Anyway, I don't think that she's a nice girl. Actually, she's pretty scandelous! She's the selfish type.

 

So, be careful with those types of women. You're just wasting time with them. I mean, I don't tend to insult them if they want to have a quick lay, I just don't understand their mentality. Those women to me, aren't ashamed! If they can do something like that, enjoy narcotics/drugs/free sex, then chances are, they're probably not the loyal types in relationships.

 

Do you see what I mean? If they don't have 'Respect' for themselves, then chances are: they won't have respect for the 'Relationship,' or for you. So, to elminate meeting the bad girls, try meeting a girl who respects her body and herself. The bad girls are relentless, they'll do whatever it takes to please them, and not you. So, be careful.

 

I think that if you want a good girl, it all depends. I'm not saying that all women who use drugs, are bad women. Half of the times, I think that they do so because they want to escape from feeling their emotions. I don't understand why they have to use drugs, but that's just how I see it, as one explaination. Some of my friends who did it, did it because of depression from divorce in the family. They're still good girls, but just depressed.

 

I'm not going to preach about drugs, and don't mean to offend anyone who uses it. Some of my friends do. Even though I don't, I still respect them, and don't hold judgement against them. So, the reasons are different. Just make sure that the ladies that you're interested in, are not the types who enjoy free sex, and are 'loose' about things. That's the best advice that I can think of so far. Besides, you also want to be very careful about contracting STD's. You don't want to contract anything that's life threatening, or will require you to use meds for the rest of your life. I feel sorry for those who do, and hope that their lives are okay.

 

Hope this Helps,

Mahlina

[Scout]

Excuse me, but it takes two people to sleep together...and if you're nabbing five phone numbers a day and also sleeping with some of these girls within hours of meeting them, I think the term "sloppy seconds" can apply to you as well. Plus, you're a heavy drug user...exactly what do you have to offer that would make the girl of your dreams want you? Harsh words, yes, but please snap back to reality here...and if you want something so badly, you're going to have do some work here to make yourself desirable and worthy for the kind of girl you want. She's not just going to fall from the sky because you want someone like this. And you know why? Because that kind of girl is probably with a guy who doesn't try and get as many phone numbers as he can in a day, sitting around doing copius amount of drugs.