How to stop having crushes?

[chelsea13]

For all my life I've been having crushes on lots of guys, because I fall for guys really easily. But nothing ever worked out. It's not that I didn't initiate anything (for some of them I did), but nothing ever happened afterwards. The thing with these crushes is that I usually don't really know them well, but my current one - we know each other but are not exactly 'friends' yet.

And I feel really disappointed because because this would happen every couple of months when I fall for a new guy.

I would check out his facebook all the time, looking at his pictures repetitively, and then look at what he wrote on other peoples' walls... it's a painful process... I hate analysing it. And ultimately it makes me really disappointed.

Recently there has been this guy that I got REALLY interested in. And I have posted some threads lately (since it's been bothering me), and basically I don't think he's really interested cos he seems really neutral when we chat on msn, but anyway there were two reunion dinners and I ended up going to the one that he didn't go to.. so that was bad luck. But when we chatted I sort of semi-asked him out when he asked me whether I've seen Alice in the Wonderland, cos he wants to see it (but he never asked me if I want to see it with him, instead he switched the topic to soccer), but later I told him if he wants to see it then remember to tell me too. So we exchanged numbers and that's it.

 

Well he said he was maybe going to watch the movie today but he hasn't called me or anything. It's just hanging out, I know he doesn't think of me as more than a friend... he texted me last night and asked if I'm going to the other reunion dinner too but I said I can't cos something really did came up

 

I just feel so tired liking these guys and they are not interested to initiate anything at all. My friend told me that crushes are good but I expect things to happen (like.. just hanging out to the movies.. is that too much to ask) but when they don't, I end up feeling so bad. Why is this so hard for me..?

I'm so sick of falling for guys and vent about it and then nothing ever happens! Especially when I think about him all the time.

[Capricorn3]

I don't think there's anything wrong in having crushes. I think we all do, no matter what age. The problem is when you actually expect things to happen with your crush. Most people just enjoy the fantasy and know it's a crush where (most times) it won't lead anywhere.

 

Nothing wrong with having a crush. Just recognize it for what it is.

[Blue Streak]

Do you truly understand and know what you are seeking in a relationship? Please help me, so I can better help you.

[treeclimb]

Maybe you are a 'romantic'. It's an interesting issue. As it's an emotional issue, maybe your need to explore the world of 'emotions' and 'thinking' more. I have never actually been in love romantically. So, I'm not really sure what's going on there. But I have had crushes and infactuations. I think as I've done some 'inner work' regarding my emotions and thinking I have better control in this area. Does that make sense? Have you heard of CBT? (cognitive behavioural therapy). I'm not suggesting you're ill, but CBT is for everyone not just those who are mentally ill. It encourages you to think more rationally and laterally about thinks. So CBT would probably say you are being irrational. You are exaggerating how good these guys are and how much they would make you happy and how much you need them. You are catastrophising how bad your life is without them in it. Rationally - this is unbalanced thinking.

 

CBT also looks at 'core beliefs'. What do your crushes say? They might say...I need to have and love this person. Now analyse this belief and generalise it. I need to have and love others passionately to be happy. And more... I need to love others and be loved to be happy...I need others to make me happy...It is others job to make me happy...I can't make myself happy.

 

So your core belief might be 'I can't make myself happy, I need others to do it for me'. So this belief or thought is unbalanced and wrong. You can make yourself happy and you don't need others to make you happy. (Sure, no-one is an island, but you fundamentally need to be able to make yourself happy as others will come and go in your life and you need to be able to rely on yourself and be independent as a person.) You are responsible for making yourself happy not others (fundamentally).

 

So you need to learn to make yourself happy and not look to others to do it for you. Self help books etc are useful for learning in these areas. Gael Lindenfield's books (UK writer) are great. You need to fall in love with yourself - have a love affair with yourself. Then you won't be so needy on others.

 

Crushes are fantasy and fantasy is fine - but how much do you want to control the fantasy or the fantasy to control you?

 

A sobering thought is - often people who are not in a relationship are desperate to get in one. And often people who are in one are desperate to get out of it.

 

Of course this doesn't mean you shouldn't date these guys. But you can be more in control who you give your heart too and the degree in which you do it. Control and empowerment will make you more happy than unbridalled dizzy crazy infactuations.

[chelsea13]

It's not that I'm not happy... I count myself fortunate in most aspects of my life. But when I think about myself in the love department.. I mean I'm 21 and I've never had a relationship, all I had was this short term fling - that's all.

 

I'm just so disappointed with it, I'm at this point in my life where I feel that if I haven't experienced these things, then it's not complete.

[nimisaj]

I'm sort of in the same boat as chelsea13 - sometimes, I just can't seem to get over the negative outcomes of past infatuations/romantic-like situations... on some days, they consume my thoughts to the point where I can't help but cry it out. For me, I think it's just a sign to get a life... to keep busy, excercise, get out more and so forth.

 

On the most part I'm happy, though; I have my health and family and love is not *the* most important thing in life.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if there is something wrong with me - but I think a lot of people out there are walking around hurt by previous romantic experiences (break-ups) AND they have their own *personal* issues (be it illness/finances anything, really) that it's quite difficult to find a special someone and stay with him/her.

[nimisaj]

"It's not that I'm not happy... I count myself fortunate in most aspects of my life. But when I think about myself in the love department.. I mean I'm 21 and I've never had a relationship, all I had was this short term fling - that's all."

 

I re-read your post and realised this is a really positive statement... but you're still young and summer is coming up, you have plenty of time for love and stuff... and also, please don't be fooled by people out there in relationships... it's not always love (guess you already know but I'll type it here, anyway!) - just because two people are holding hands or say they're in love doesn't mean they'll be together forever. Blah blah blah... I don't have anything really great to say... that's about it. Be optimistic, though!

[chelsea13]

I'm sort of in the same boat as chelsea13 - sometimes, I just can't seem to get over the negative outcomes of past infatuations/romantic-like situations... on some days, they consume my thoughts to the point where I can't help but cry it out. For me, I think it's just a sign to get a life... to keep busy, excercise, get out more and so forth.

 

On the most part I'm happy, though; I have my health and family and love is not *the* most important thing in life.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if there is something wrong with me - but I think a lot of people out there are walking around hurt by previous romantic experiences (break-ups) AND they have their own *personal* issues (be it illness/finances anything, really) that it's quite difficult to find a special someone and stay with him/her.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Yes we are sort of on the same boat, but what sucks about my situation is that I don't even have to right to be sad about it, since nothing happened between me and these guys. I'd rather to have had been with them than to never have been with them, even if it means sadness.

 

For now I'm just frustrated.. like I'm not good enough or something, and I'm so negative about it - I can't get anyone to be interested or want to ask me out. What is wrong with me?

[Alabama]

I'm thinking the same thing currently. Yet I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with you. It just might be bad luck. The only cure I suppose is to just keep plugging away until you hit pay dirt. Keep getting advice, strategies, anything to keep you motivated to just keep trying.

[chelsea13]

I'm thinking the same thing currently. Yet I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with you. It just might be bad luck. The only cure I suppose is to just keep plugging away until you hit pay dirt. Keep getting advice, strategies, anything to keep you motivated to just keep trying.

 

Somehow I think that if I'm really attractive then I will get guys much easier.. I can just go somewhere and have a guy calling me. Sounds superficial but.. I think my personalities were good. And I was fairly confident. But today a male friend told me that I have to initiate more because I'm not drop dead gorgeous so I can't expect guys to just chase after me. Actually I was really hurt after hearing that.

[nimisaj]

"But today a male friend told me that I have to initiate more because I'm not drop dead gorgeous so I can't expect guys to just chase after me. Actually I was really hurt after hearing that."

 

Males can be so thoughtless sometimes. If a friend told me that, I'd ask him if he's my friend -- unless, maybe I'd blurt out an expletive or something and never talk to him again.

 

This is debatable, but drop dead gorgeousness is not always a good thing, either. A lot of males won't necessarily ask these girls out because they may think she's already taken and/or she's not in their league. They can also have one-night-stands with these girls and move on... who wants that? It can be sad to be alone for a while but I'm sure you would like something meaningful, not lustful and meaningless...?

 

At the very least, maybe your friend is correct about one thing: you need to put yourself out there, more. (I don't know where you live, or your day-to-day life and activities you pursue... maybe you need to start going to where the guys go... maybe consider working as a waitress at a sports bar, working as a cashier at a Department store - in the men's department... try to find ways to *constantly* surround yourself by males, you know? That way, you won't feel desperate (not sure if you are) for male interaction/conversation - anyway, see what I mean...? Kind of? Lifeguarding is another idea, if you're into swimming or whatnot).

 

And, there's nothing wrong with you... seriously. You're young. Flirt, go have fun... lots of people get married late or even have their first kiss at a very late age. It's not a big deal! There's nothing wrong with that!

 

Here's a short story:

 

Someone close to me (a family member) told me I was either a) playing too hard to get or b) giving off desperate vibes/chasing the guy too much or something. In hindsight, my real problem was that I really wasn't *warm* enough, I don't think I was the type to offer some baked cookies (does that sound corny...?) or give a hug to a guy I liked/peck on the cheek/lips. I was just too shy! I just really lacked experience all around, you know? I would have never thought to gently place my hand on a guy's thigh at a party or something, you know? I wasn't warm/loving, I hadn't dated in high school, I wasn't that confident, too shy, and I had gained some weight in University. I was somewhat pretty but I didn't have that much confidence.

 

Finding the right person takes time, just like anything, you know?

[chelsea13]

Thanks for your advices, I totally get what you mean .. and I'm somewhat trying to improve myself. For one thing I need to stop paying so much attention on my looks, it gets me down all the time, so that needs to be changed.

Anyway, I'm less shy now. I saw him today in the uni cafe and I gave him a hug cos we haven't seen each other for so long, so then I was going to go up for lunch but ended up coming back down and sat next to him cos 'there were no other seats'.. then we chatted but.. well again, it was so neutral that im about 98% positive that he's not interested in me other than just that. The feeling actually kind of sucked because when I asked him whether he ended up seeing the movie, he just said 'no i didnt have time'. That disappointment must have shown on my face.

 

It's hard finding someone who you fancy to fancy you back, this guy's really my type. But I know that at the end of the day I need to stop dreaming so much.... should I still go in and see how things develope? Or his disinterest really said it all?

 

(I was so bothered by this that for the last few weeks I wasn't able to fully concentrate in class)