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Any advice about moving in with bf? :)


waytoodown

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Since my last post about possibly moving to my LDR bf's city, I have thought a lot about it and am much more comfortable with the idea. Since my previous breakup, I've been scared to get too serious with a guy, as well of getting hurt by them.

 

However, I believe that I can trust him. And when I think about moving in with him, I actually get exited. Obviously, I get nervous too ( as I will be changing city, moving in with him and leaving my university student life to enter the "real work world"...) but the opportunity of living in a different city (I've always lived in the same) and being closer to him makes me look forward to this happening!

 

I do have a few questions though...

- We haven't done the "I Love You"s yet, eventhough I can tell by the way he acts that he does. Am I wrong in wanting this to happen before I move?

- Do you guys have any advice about this situation? ( I have lived with a guy before, so I expect that we will argue for the first few months and all that stuff...)

 

...Also, in my previous relationship I would miss my (now ex)bf more than I do my current bf, but in my past relationship wasn't healthy, as he was abusive and I felt like I always had to be with him....is it normal ( in a healthy relationship) to not miss him all day everyday, or does this indicate something?...I think it just means that I trust him and am more independent, so I can have fun without him, but I'd like to hear you guys' thoughts.

 

Thanks!!!

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How long have you been together? I think it's jumping the gun a bit if you haven't even said I love you.

 

As for experience, I moved from Michigan to be with my boyfriend in England so I understand what a huge decision it is.

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I have done the moving thing too.

 

A few things I can advise:

 

What are your intentions? Is the intention to move near him so you can really see where this relationship goes or are you moving because you have met someone and its a done deal? Do you have a job already lined up?

 

I would advise if you have already decided to move to not move in with him right away. Look in the paper for a room for rent or a situation where another gal has an established apartment and is looking for a roommate. Suddenly being in the same town can be a big shock and you need time to establish the relationship and let it unfold. Also, you need to make friends, find things to do, and establish yourself in the new town on your own merit so you are not dependent on him for all of your entertainment, referrals, or happiness. It's just healthier for the relationship. There is no harm in relocating to be able to give the relationship a fair shot, but start from square one and start "dating" eachother once you are there versus being instant live-ins. The sort of dating/getting to know eachother period will be shorter than if you just met, but it still is needed.

 

When I moved to the city of my LDR boyfriend, there were "I Love Yous" said but he sort of stopped/took it back when it was apparent I actually was moving and it took some time after I arrived to start saying it again.

 

Also, make sure that you are not the one who is making all the concessions. yes, SOMEONE has to move eventually in an LDR if it is to work, but if you for the bulk of the relationship did the visiting, did the time off, and arranged the meetings and he has not really reciprocated, then you may want to re-examine thngs.

 

We ended up not working out in the end - we married and divorced. All in all - I am glad that I didn't live with him for a couple years and glad I established my own routine. But what I did regret is going there and just deciding there was no other option than to be with him rather than let things unfold. If I had been open, our relationship would not have lasted as long as it did. I sort of compromised on some areas that I would not have compromised on if he had been in the same town all along. I also depended on him too much before we were married because I didn't know anyone else and then felt bad when I knew things were just not the healthiest for me - i stuck in too long

 

I am not saying your relationship won't last forever, but really look at moving there as a "getting to know you even better" situation first.

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I think it's jumping the gun a little. I wouldn't feel secure in uprooting my life like that for someone who hasn't even said I love you.

 

I can tell you though, that if and when you do end up in the same city, I wouldn't advise living together right away. Long distance and typical relationships are very different. The dynamic of the relationship completely changes, which puts stress on the relationship. It can either bring you together or break you apart. If you add the stress of moving in together, which is stressful on ANY relationship, it's too much in my opinion. I was given that advice by the mother of the kids I used to sit for and I followed it. I'm so glad I did because it allowed me to form my own life in his city and not be reliant on him. Ultimately we did break up, although he had moved in with me before that happened.

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Perhaps this is bad advice, but I moved in right away and it turned out amazing.... but I'm fairly certain my case was a rare one--we knew each other for over 2 years, and get along amazingly well.

 

I think, though, in your situation, you need to get to know each other more. If you do decide to move, I think moving IN is too soon.

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( I have lived with a guy before, so I expect that we will argue for the first few months and all that stuff...)

 

...Also, in my previous relationship I would miss my (now ex)bf more than I do my current bf, but in my past relationship wasn't healthy, as he was abusive and I felt like I always had to be with him....is it normal ( in a healthy relationship) to not miss him all day everyday, or does this indicate something?.!

 

If you don't know what it indicates or are worried, and have come out of an abusive relationship, I suggest counseling or otherwise really digging deep so you don't repeat mistakes or get into the situation of not having your needs met.

 

If you "expect" that its normal to "argue for the first few months" of living with a guy, that is not particularly healthy. Arguing for a few months is not really "normal". The way to avoid it is to have honest discussions on a variety of topics from the mundane (is he okay with your favorite painting in his home no matter how much he hates it, are you a night owl?) to more serious (are the bills to be split down the middle like roomies?) to expectations (what does "moving in" mean to each of you) and don't be afraid if the answers point to "no" - to not moving in with him now.

 

The moving to another city and "moving in" should be treated as two seprate but important issues.

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