Controlling Parents

[liveyourlife13]

Hi I'm new and could really use some advice. I'm a 20 year old female who will be done with her undergraduate studies in 18 months. I'm living at home right now to save money however, doing so has caused my family to still control me beyond belief. I am paying for school through loans but defiently cannot make it by myself so I understand their house their rules okay that's fine but I do expect to be treated like an adult. My father tells me that he wants me to just attend school, come home, and do homework and that hanging out with my friends, dating boys, or even vounteering at church should be avoided. The problem is, I met a really nice guy after not dating anybody for two years. He is 26 years old and very mature, treats me very nicely, and is very respectful. When my family found out his age, I was called a * * * * and a liar; however I did not lie about his age. My family forbids me to see him again. I am a very responsible person and always have been; I've never smoked, drank, recived a ticket, have even pulled over, and my first two years in college were beyond lonely; I went to school, I came home, and didn't really talk to anybody. I need some help on getting some control over my life. Right now I'm considering selling a ring that would be worth about $5,000 so I can get some independence all while looking for another job. I could really just use some help, my life right now is pretty miserable. Thank you for any help you can give me, the advice is much appriciated.

[HouseKitten]

Is this ring worth something emotionally to you? Will you possibly regret selling it one day? Furthermore, does this ring definitely belong to you?

 

If you're 100% that you are happy to part with this item of jewelry, I would seriously consider doing it. It looks like you have three options.

 

1. Stay at home, do what your parents want but potentially be very lonely.

2. Stay at home, lie to your parents and risk huge arguments if they find out.

3. Sell the ring, move out and have a shot at a social life.

 

It's really in your hands. If you can stick it out a little longer then it's certainly an option - sometimes it's better to be confined but at least with a home over your head and fewer worries, than to be trying to fend for yourself and running up huge debts.

[Speranza]

I guess things are a little different in the States - in the UK you'd be legal to drink etc and so we see our kids as perhaps older (tho that's not always good and parents can still be controlling).

 

TBH as a Mum myself I am sad to hear about the pressure on you to not be normal. I agree with the poster above. All I would counsel is, as far as possible try to put yourself in their shoes and (again as far as possible) try not to alienate yourself from them.

 

However, it may not be possible to do anything else. I'm really sorry it's so hard for you right now, you sound like the kind of daughter most parents would love to have around! PM me if you need any help on Mum-speak.

 

Just a thought - would you say your father also controls your mother? Just might help you to take it less personally if it's a family pattern.

 

I agree tho - leave if you can, though do NOT sell the ring unless nobody can accuse you of it not having been yours to sell...

[alli]

Can you get a job in the meantime before finding a new place to live? It would both get you out of the house & let you save up to be able to afford to move out. What if you did your studying at the library? Would he really have a problem with that? I know when I was in college, I had to do stuff with books that actually were not allowed to be checked out. There were also study rooms that students could use for tutoring or group study. Might be a little bit more fun to find a group of friends to study with at the library.

[liveyourlife13]

The ring is mine through my grandmothers will; it's in a safety deposit box. Right now I'm going to see about cutting down my class load so that I can work the job I'm working at now and another one. I like studying at the library and that's a definate possability. I also have a lot of support through church and what have you if it got really ugly, I could stay with one of them. My dad is controlling so much that he gets in my face and pokes my arm; I don't understand why but I think he does it so that I'll fear him so that he can get what he wants from me. Thank you for the advice, it's really helpful.

[HouseKitten]

Okay - would selling the ring cause more conflict between you and your parents than you'd get from simply trying to have a social life while still living in their home?

 

I only ask because although it's been left to you, whichever of your parents who was the child of your grandmother might not be that pleased about you selling a heirloom, especially considering the purpose.

 

I'm not trying to talk you out of trying to gain some independence, but you need to think it all through to make sure you won't be completely alienating your family for the sake of something you could get eventually once you leave college and get a job anyway.

[alli]

I would also think very carefully before selling the ring. I mean, it was your grandmother's, left for you. You might really regret selling the ring & not sucking it up for another year. After all, you've been with them all this time, it's just another year. Material things aren't everything, but unless you are absolutely certain that the ring will never be important to you, or a nice reminder of your grandmother, I wouldn't sell it. Make that a last resort.

 

Your dad sounds annoying. Hope you can get out of there soon.

[Applewhite]

I would definitely suggest finding a way to get out of that house. But instead of relying on the 5,000 from the ring, find a better, more secure way (like the second job option). do you have friends you can move in with?

 

The environment you described is unhealthy, and it can scar you for life. A similar environment has scarred me, and even now, many years after getting out, I am still dealing with it emotionally.

[arcadefire]

If your parents are not letting you live your adult life, the only option for you is to try to remove yourself from that situation. I've lived at home for more than a year after graduating college (also while working a salaried job), but my mother has proved far too controlling. She would hate it if I were dating anyone, she hated all of my friends (thought they were bad influences), and got into yelling/shouting matches whenever she doesn't get her way (as in I step foot out of the house past sundown to socialize). It has gotten to the point where I would consistently lie to her about my whereabouts just to avoid conflict. She knew I was lying, but there wasn't anything she can do about it.

 

It became an extremely unhealthy situation, when it came to the point where I realized I just was trying to avoid home (coming home late on work days consistently), I decided to just spend money on rent and get on with the life I lived while in college.

 

Speaking from my experience, it's best to move out. Even if you feel like you don't have the means to, if there's a will, there's a way. Also, this may damage the relationship you have with your controlling parent, but if you think about it, the parent has already destroyed what could have become a very healthy adult parent/child relationship by controlling you beyond belief, so the fault lies on the parent pushing his child away from him.

[candykisses]

Hi liveyourlife13, I know completely how you feel. My mom has really restricted me over the years, to the point where I scream. You are not alone!! I know how lonely it can be, going to class then coming home. And you've never smoked, drank or anything! Your parents sound really unreasonable to be honest. For me, I am going to find a full-time job after graduation and try to save money and move out asap. My mom has not reacted well to me wanting to move out at all. But it's for my sanity. I agree with the others that it's best to move out. Is it possible for you to get a part-time job while going to school? If not, I would focus on school in the 18 months that you have left, then find a full-time job. You can also consider applying to grad school out of town. Hang in there!

 

If you need to talk, PM me anytime.

[candykisses]

She would hate it if I were dating anyone, she hated all of my friends (thought they were bad influences), and got into yelling/shouting matches whenever she doesn't get her way (as in I step foot out of the house past sundown to socialize). It has gotten to the point where I would consistently lie to her about my whereabouts just to avoid conflict. She knew I was lying, but there wasn't anything she can do about it.

 

It became an extremely unhealthy situation, when it came to the point where I realized I just was trying to avoid home (coming home late on work days consistently)

 

Wow. This sounds like a copy of my life, lol

[turnera]

Advertise at your college for a roommate or two, and once you find one, find an apartment together.

[Applewhite]

when I applied to grad school and got a scholarship, and was finally moving out of my parents house, my father went ballistic one night I went out and came late (I also don't smoke/drink/have crazy friends or anything like that). He went so crazy he told me he would call the school, tell them he would not allow(!) me to go there and therefore they should cancel my scholarship and stipend. What an idiot.

 

Over the years I have lost all respect, love, and any feelings I have over him. Now he just disgusts me. Not only is he controlling but he was abusing and selfish my whole life. I see everything for what it is now.

[Speranza]

link removed

 

I posted this link on another thread - it contains some brilliantly useful insights (not to mention a description of my childhood!)

 

I think we have to be careful making assumptions and personally I don't want to be too involved in the forums there because I see myself as having moved on - but they are obviously incredibly helpful to an enormous amount of people, not least for that 'it ISN'T just me!' feeling which is what got ME through... Hope it helps someone here.

[Creative]

Is there any possible ways to just simply not follow your family's 'instructions'?

 

What do you predict will happen?

[Kerrian]

I understand how this feels completely, and a lot of conflict seems to come from the belief that if your parents are helping you with money, they have complete control over your life. And it's an unfair position...because you don't have the ability to really refuse.

 

It's happened with my parents as well, and it's currently happening with my boyfriend's parents - they want him to wake up, do university work all day, do something with them, and then go to bed early so he can do the same thing the next day, despite the fact it's the middle of the Easter holidays...

...and I don't understand why.

They make him feel so, so guilty for wanting anything outside of that routine and I can't understand it.

 

Sticking it out will cause the least conflict, as you know...but it's also going to be the most difficult.

What I tried was just talking to my parents and letting them know how I felt.

To be honest, it's worth the gamble. If the worst they can do is cut off your funding or suggest you get your own place...it'd be no different than you leaving of your own accord.

 

What happens when you tell them what you want out of life? Do they argue, or try and cut the conversation off?

Have you told them just straight out and clearly that they're being controlling? That if you do what they want you to then it's going to drive you mad, and you need some time to yourself?

[Dating Coach]

Unfortunately as much as I disagree with your parents behavior, if you want to do what's best for your life and be able to afford college and not have to be burdened with paying for housing, then you will have to abide by your parents rules. It's their house, their rules-no matter how unfair. If their unfairness is really that important to you that you're willing to go out on your own and pick up the extra debt in this economy, then do it. I advise sucking it up and sticking it through. You won't be there too much longer.

[Dating Coach]

Have you told them just straight out and clearly that they're being controlling? That if you do what they want you to then it's going to drive you mad, and you need some time to yourself?

 

Having dealt with controlling people in the past, this direct confrontation will not work. It will cause them to go immediately into defensive mode. If you want to discuss the current situation you have to use tact, not confrontation "you are being controlling" stuff.

 

I agreed with the rest of your post, especially regarding trying to sit down and discuss it with them, but IF you pursue this route tact must be used. Perhaps catching them at a time when they are in a good mood and you have been on their good side lately. Then bring it up in a manner that says; "I know you are looking out for me and I know you don't want me to make any mistakes because you love me, but I need the ability to make some of my own decisions. I may make the wrong ones, but having the chance to show that I have responsibility at my age is important to me. You raised me for 18 years and I think I learned enough to show good judgement if you give me a chance. How about one day a week that I can go out and spend time with friends/boyfriend/whatever?" Or something of this sort.

[Creative]

Unfortunately as much as I disagree with your parents behavior, if you want to do what's best for your life and be able to afford college and not have to be burdened with paying for housing, then you will have to abide by your parents rules. It's their house, their rules-no matter how unfair. If their unfairness is really that important to you that you're willing to go out on your own and pick up the extra debt in this economy, then do it. I advise sucking it up and sticking it through. You won't be there too much longer.

 

I think there is a boundary between not listen to anything and get kicked out and not listen to everything and not get kicked out.

 

It's horrible to not have your child a chance to negotiate at all.

 

You're speaking of economy, but I don't think it has to come to this extreme where she either listen or move out.

 

Personally, if I were her, and if I don't want to leave, I would not listen at all and not get kicked out. It's a matter of transitioning; some things just takes getting used to.

[Dating Coach]

I think there is a boundary between not listen to anything and get kicked out and not listen to everything and not get kicked out.

 

It's horrible to not have your child a chance to negotiate at all.

 

You're speaking of economy, but I don't think it has to come to this extreme where she either listen or move out.

 

Personally, if I were her, and if I don't want to leave, I would not listen at all and not get kicked out. It's a matter of transitioning; some things just takes getting used to.

 

You seem to be talking about something else. Of course it is horrible, of course it shouldn't have to be extreme, but what can you do? If they are being unbudging as the OP states, your logical options ARE fairly extreme. You can either abide by their rules temporarily to take advantage of less spending at the cost of some freedom, or you can take action that very likely will lead to being forced out and mental abuse.

I advised trying to approach them at the right time for some simple compromises, but in all likliness the best option the parents will leave her with is the free room and board under their rules. It's certainly better than acruing debt in this horrible economy.

[Creative]

You seem to be talking about something else. Of course it is horrible, of course it shouldn't have to be extreme, but what can you do? If they are being unbudging as the OP states, your logical options ARE fairly extreme. You can either abide by their rules temporarily to take advantage of less spending at the cost of some freedom, or you can take action that very likely will lead to being forced out and mental abuse.

I advised trying to approach them at the right time for some simple compromises, but in all likliness the best option the parents will leave her with is the free room and board under their rules. It's certainly better than acruing debt in this horrible economy.

 

exactly... to the reddened

 

I think it comes down to individual when it comes to 'crossing the line'. Some 'children' get their way, and some doesn't. I just happen to be the former when it comes to staying and not abiding to rules, so I don't see the problem.